How can I tell if someone is genuinely interested in me or just wasting my time?

[never_mind]

I'm 19 and I've been in a talking stage with someone for 6 months, but we haven't met in person yet and things seem to be stagnant.

 I've also had past experiences that haven't turned out well, and l'm worried about finding something genuine.

I basically will be going to an event in November that's closer to where he lives and he's told me that he'd come see me if he's able to but didn't really promise anything.

What do you think would be sensible for me to do next?

I remember they mentioning I just wasn't their gf yet because we still can't see each other consistently in person. I haven't seen much action from his end though.

I've already told him that I'm looking for something genuine and real rather than casual so I've made my intentions clear since a long time ago. 

[yogacat]

21 minutes ago, never_mind said:

I basically will be going to an event in November that's closer to where he lives and he's told me that he'd come see me if he's able to but didn't really promise anything.

"If he's able to" is not high enough interest. I would keep him as a prospect at best and not much more than that. I would also limit my investments in him and talking about the useless "gf" and "bf" titles. He's right that you're not his girlfriend which means you're a free agent. 

[SophiaG]

Personally I don't take anything serious until we meet in person.

17 minutes ago, never_mind said:

we still can't see each other consistently in person.

You said you've never met? But here he sounded like you've met just not consistently hanging out in person

If you've never met or video called, etc., for all you know he may not even be the person you think he is. Keep your expectation low - zero if possible - and when November comes just try to meet up. You can also suggest a video chat if you are both open to that.

If he can't meet in November and won't make alternative plans then you'll have your answer.

Assuming everything goes well, you still will be long distance and won't be able to see each other very often (I assume). Is this something you want? If not, cut this off and meet people who live closer to you.

[butterfly1990]

31 minutes ago, never_mind said:

I'm 19 and I've been in a talking stage with someone for 6 months, but we haven't met in person yet and things seem to be stagnant.

 I've also had past experiences that haven't turned out well, and l'm worried about finding something genuine.

I basically will be going to an event in November that's closer to where he lives and he's told me that he'd come see me if he's able to but didn't really promise anything.

What do you think would be sensible for me to do next?

I remember they mentioning I just wasn't their gf yet because we still can't see each other consistently in person. I haven't seen much action from his end though.

I've already told him that I'm looking for something genuine and real rather than casual so I've made my intentions clear since a long time ago. 

Long distance relationships are complicated. That is great you set your standards that you are looking for something genuine. Actions speak louder than words and men tend to show with their actions when they really want us. I would give it a little more time to see if things change, but I wouldn't spend too long like months waiting. Your time is precious and I'm sure there are many men willing to give you all the time and availability you deserve 🙂

[Kwothe28]

47 minutes ago, never_mind said:

I've already told him that I'm looking for something genuine and real rather than casual so I've made my intentions clear since a long time ago. 

Then why are you with somebody cant see you since you are long distance, isnt even enthusiastic to do so and doesnt even want to call you his girlfriend?

If you wanted to know what "time wasters" are, you are pretty much dating one.

[shouldhavelearned]

Drop him and move on.

 

If that was me and she said she would be close, I'd be like great...let's meet up.

[never_mind]

I'm not really dating this guy, just talking. He's indeed flirty with me and all but it's not as if we've met in person yet and established that we're official. I've been on a few video calls with him and we mainly communicate through voice notes but I don't consider this dating. Fr though, I don't even know what to call it lol. Might just be a waste of time as you said.

I know he's got some financial restraints which make it harder for him to meet up but I'm really considering setting this November event as a possible meet up date and if he's not able to come again I'll walk away from whatever this is. That's what I've been thinking of. 

Right when we started talking he's suggested I go visit him and stay at his place for as long as I need or he could visit me and stay at my place. He's still looking for jobs and that's why he was suggesting this type of meet up. I instantly disagreed with his suggestion though because I definitely wouldn't  meet someone for the first time at their place and I know he lives with his family and I'm not ready to see them yet. I also live with my parents and I'm sure they wouldn't let a stranger stay over lol.

I'm currently in quite a dilemma as in things don't seem to be progressing like I wish they were, even though he keeps telling me he's interested in me but I don't see much action; but meeting someone locally wouldn't be advisable fir me either as I'll most likely be moving out next year for uni. So if this doesn't work out then I guess it'll probably be better for me to just take a break from the dating scene. 

I would be lying if I said I'm not even a tad but attached to this guy emotionally after 6 months but I think it's time I prioritise myself and the people that also prioritise me and put in the same effort.

[SophiaG]

1 hour ago, never_mind said:

I instantly disagreed with his suggestion though because I definitely wouldn't  meet someone for the first time at their place

Good call. Don't invite what's basically a stranger to your home and most definitely don't stay with them in a private space, be it their place or yours. He sounds socially inept at best for making those suggestions if not actually suspicious/sketchy.

1 hour ago, never_mind said:

I know he's got some financial restraints which make it harder for him to meet up

So even if you meet in November and things go well, you'll still always struggle to meet or spend time in person. Do you have the means to go visit him regularly - and more importantly, do you want to?

[never_mind]

31 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

So even if you meet in November and things go well, you'll still always struggle to meet or spend time in person. Do you have the means to go visit him regularly - and more importantly, do you want to?

I'll move out for uni next year and the unis with the course I want happen to be closer to him so it wouldn't be much effort to meet up. Ofc, supposing we do meet up in November and I see he's actually genuine. 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, never_mind said:

Right when we started talking he's suggested I go visit him and stay at his place for as long as I need or he could visit me and stay at my place.

That would be a hard no. C'mon with the spontaneous last minute efforts. The right guy will plan and make it happen. Same thing I commented on another thread about exchanging a couple messages and meeting last minute. 

[Andrina]

I have a hard time fathoming why a 19 year old needs to even do OLD. At your age, I was meeting guys left and right, going to parties, in my college classes, through friends, going to dance clubs.

You seem to be holding onto some emotional baggage, speaking how past relationships didn't turn out well. A lot of relationships during the teen years are short-lived during this period. That's probably more a norm than longterm, as a lot of teens aren't quite ready to settle into a forever thing just yet. IMO, that's usually the smart thing, as you'll keep acquiring dating experiences and learn about what you feel are must-haves and what are dealbreakers.

Think about if psychologically you've used the computer screen  as a shield, if local dating hasn't panned out as you've wished.

I believe the sensible thing would be to go no contact and look toward meeting oodles of guy locally when you begin uni. 

[never_mind]

22 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Think about if psychologically you've used the computer screen  as a shield, if local dating hasn't panned out as you've wished.

I think I've probably never even tried local dating tbh. I'm not sure as to why but I know I'm definitely not too into parties. I might give it a try once I start to go to uni though, regardless.

In my whole life I've moved a lot so every time I'd make friends I would need to move again and we'd eventually lose touch, so I guess that might be why I subconsciously always tried to meet someone online. Because I probably still think I won't stay in one place for long enough anyways. Needless to say I don't really have a strong social circle, only colleagues that I don't really hang out with. Basically, no social life.

You're right though, I do believe I have some emotional baggage...

[SophiaG]

40 minutes ago, never_mind said:

I think I've probably never even tried local dating tbh. I'm not sure as to why but I know I'm definitely not too into parties. I might give it a try once I start to go to uni though, regardless.

Not a party girl here either. Those are definitely not the only places you can meet people - there are also book clubs, sports clubs, volunteering, pet owners, etc etc. where you can find people with similar interests. You can meet local people online by using facebook groups at your uni, for example. If you are fine with  dating long distance already why worry about moving after meeting people locally? The point is to have a chance of spending plenty of time and getting to know each other in person before you get emotionally invested in the wrong guy.

[Andrina]

Well, what you've been doing hasn't been working, so now's a good time to change the way you do things. I belonged to the snow skiing club at my college. Made buddies in my soccer class that I chose as a physical ed requirement and had one flirtation from that class that didn't go anywhere, but I enjoy the memory. You can join a club according to what you're majoring in, if one exists. A lot of people meet their future spouses in college.

I'd also even make friendships at college a priority over romance. Best to be fulfilled in all areas of life so a man doesn't become the only joy in your life. Too suffocating if he's the only good thing going on in your life.

Enjoy university. As my mother once said, I would be a perpetual student if I could, since I enjoyed college life so much, even with the amount of coursework and studying. I also made friends by joining study groups. Helping each other made life easier, since two heads are better than one. Good luck!

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, never_mind said:

I'm 19 and I've been in a talking stage with someone for 6 months, but we haven't met in person yet and things seem to be stagnant.

 I've also had past experiences that haven't turned out well, and l'm worried about finding something genuine.

I basically will be going to an event in November that's closer to where he lives and he's told me that he'd come see me if he's able to but didn't really promise anything.

What do you think would be sensible for me to do next?

I remember they mentioning I just wasn't their gf yet because we still can't see each other consistently in person. I haven't seen much action from his end though.

I've already told him that I'm looking for something genuine and real rather than casual so I've made my intentions clear since a long time ago. 

I knew someone was interested in dating me when he asked me out on a date he planned in advance time and place.  I didn't care really if he was interested in me otherwise -like attracted to me/found me attractive/wanted to hook up - so the only sign he was interested in dating me was if he asked me out (or I guess he responded with enthusiasm if I asked him out).

When I was 19 in the mid 80s I met a guy through a friend one night.  He was shy.  I pointed to the office building I worked in -I worked in a daycare part time.  After the outing I asked my friend if he asked about me.  She said no.  So I forgot about him.  I had flirted some and he "seemed" interested.  2 days later there was a call for me at work during nap time at daycare.  I had forgotten about him and he spent a lot of effort reminding me.  He asked for my landline phone number and I gave it to him.  He called within 24 hours and asked me out on a date for the following week.  We dated seriously for a year.  That is how I knew he was interested in dating me.

In my late 20s I met my future husband at work -he was very very shy.  9 months later he asked me out for lunch during the work week despite being extremely shy. We'd seen each other 3 times at work events prior to that and did not work in the same department.  He was really nervous when he called me in my office.  After the lunch he called again to ask me out for drinks.  Within less than a week.  That is how I knew he was interested in dating me. 

It really is that simple and does away with looking for signs when you are "talking."  I do not think this person is interested enough in meeting you to see if you should date in person and I'd stop having contact with him since you are interested.  I'm sorry!

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, never_mind said:

I think I've probably never even tried local dating tbh. I'm not sure as to why but I know I'm definitely not too into parties. I might give it a try once I start to go to uni though, regardless.

In my whole life I've moved a lot so every time I'd make friends I would need to move again and we'd eventually lose touch, so I guess that might be why I subconsciously always tried to meet someone online. Because I probably still think I won't stay in one place for long enough anyways. Needless to say I don't really have a strong social circle, only colleagues that I don't really hang out with. Basically, no social life.

You're right though, I do believe I have some emotional baggage...

A number of friends have met friends and significant others by volunteering backstage at community theater.  At your age  I met guys at college, singles events, set ups by friends -I set them up too - my place of worship. 

[Cherylyn]

If he's unenthusiastic,  you're wasting your time.  Consider him "never mind."  😒  Move on.