How to deal with super obnoxious new co-worker?

[Seymore]

I work in an office on-site.  I really enjoy my job and always loved every single one of my co-workers - a rare thing - and I always considered myself lucky to have such a job.  

In May, one of my favorite people there retired, and they had to replace her with two people to do her job. One is a complete idiot, which I can tolerate, the other (James) constantly needs praise for everything he does, knows or says, and is a know it all...he's not mean or anything, very friendly but just doesn't seem to respect anyone's boundaries.  He speaks super loud to people he's standing 5 feet away from, so everyone will hear him brag about himself.  The main problem I have with him is that he constantly interrupts me.  If I go into the owner's office and talk to him about something, James will often get up from his desk and stand behind me while I'm talking to the owner, being super nosy.  Many times if the owner comes to my desk and asks me to do something, James will butt in from across the room and talk about how he can do it and give his opinions.  It drives me absolutely insane.  If I share a joke with someone and am clearly having a conversation with only that person, James will chime in and try to be funny and hijack the conversation.  He also has to announce every task he is doing, as if he expects everyone to get up and applaud him. He does this with a lot of people, and they kind of roll their eyes. But one thing that's really been getting to me is feeling like I can't have a conversation with anyone in my department anymore, because he will inevitably inject himself into the conversation and I will just give up and back out.  So I just go to work and focus on what I'm doing, and I no longer really talk to anyone in my department unless it's work related. The owner has noticed me being distant and asked me what was wrong, and I said nothing because I didn't want to stir up any problems and be a whiner, even though I know the owner thinks he's a suck-up.  James' boss is Janet, who I've always gotten along well with, and is also HR.  She doesn't like him either, but she always jokes around and talks with him anyway because she's a friendly person, and it encourages him.  I had talked to her about his behavior and she simply said "You have my permission to say whatever you want to him".  

Since James also does this at lunch, I decided to just go home for lunch this past week (which is only 5 minutes away), reflect on my feelings and calm myself down. One thing I have always done for my coworkers is on their birthday, I bring in donuts for everyone out of my own pocket.  Usually we will all have lunch together and sing to the person.  Last week there was a birthday, but James got on my last nerve before lunch, so I brought the donuts in the morning, but skipped the birthday party and went home.  I felt bad about it since I NEVER miss a birthday.  When I got back, I got a million questions from the production department, who I'm closest with.  They all seemed disappointed, and I was disappointed in myself.  I got a text from one of them that I've always gotten along well with, saying how she can't believe I would abandon my friends whom I've known for years because of some idiot who hasn't been there long at all. That stung, but she was right.  Since then, I've tried picturing myself going into work and just being my old self again, where I would laugh and joke around without letting James get to me.  I try to visualize being that person again instead of this stupid, bitter person I've become.

How can I get past this?  

 

 

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, Seymore said:

How can I get past this?

Stop handing over your power to this person to control your feelings. 

For example:

5 minutes ago, Seymore said:

James got on my last nerve before lunch, so I brought the donuts in the morning, but skipped the birthday party and went home.  I felt bad about it since I NEVER miss a birthday.

What the heck, OP? You cut of your nose (and your friends') to spite your face there. You are allowing this James person to have way too much impact on your mood, and now, also your relationships with coworkers. 

6 minutes ago, Seymore said:

he will inevitably inject himself into the conversation and I will just give up and back out. 

Find your backbone here. Stop just giving up and backing out. With professional respect, use your voice: "James, I am speaking. Please let me finish." 

Yes, we sometimes need to be direct with people who lack social graces. And it can be uncomfortable when we're not used to standing up for ourselves. But you're letting this person dictate your interactions and performance at work now, which is doing a disservice to yourself. Be your own best friend here. 

[Seymore]

Thank you, I know you are right. I've spent the last week trying to to visualize myself enjoying my time with my coworkers regardless of his presence, the way I always used to. I promised myself I'd never miss another birthday, at the very least, but to try and stand up for myself more. 

I guess I'm used to harmony in this workplace. Since he came in, nobody seems to shut him down and I feel like nobody understands, which is isolating me even more. It's a cycle I need to break.

[Starlight925]

I agree with @MissCanuck, stop handing your power over to him.  Bring the birthday donuts, participate like you always have.  Don't let James steal your work joy.

Sounds like others are aware of James' irritating personality.  From someone with many more years of work experience than you, I can tell you:  Be patient.  The Jameses of the work world don't last.  

But this may last a year, two years, or longer.  At some point, James will think he's so great, too great for this "stupid place", and he'll move on.  You'll finally have peace.  Trust me, I've worked with Jameses a million times.

So for now, be patient, nod and slowly go back to your work when James annoys you.

My advice is to say nothing to him that could be considered adversarial, because it will turn on you.   Oh, I guess @Seymore isn't having a good day.  

Just nod, be polite and courteous, and let him do his stupid shtick of popping up every time his insecurity thinks he's not getting enough attention.  I promise you, everyone else feels the same, even if they're being polite and going along with him.

I once overheard the President of the company I was in speaking with our manager about a similarly annoying coworker who had announced, very loudly and proudly, that she had found a new job.  We could all tell she was hoping we'd all be envious of her.  The President's exact words to the manager?  "Good riddance".

Be patient.  This is the stuff of sitcom skits, except you're in it.  Trust me....you won't end up working with him forever.

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Seymore said:

How can I get past this?  

 

Assert yourself? 

If he stands behind you while talking to Boss, you say "Excuse us James, this is between two of us". If he tries to hijack the conversation say "Excuse us, we are talking". If he tries to say how he will do it you say "Thanks, but we are doing it my way". Narcissists are like that. Expect constant praise and always try to but in a conversation how they would do stuff. And you need to nip that through. And not hide from him and allow him to do whatever he wants. 

Your coworkers arent really helpful either. Heck, if I have to notice, they also tend to get advantage of you. Do they also do stuff for your birthday? Bring donuts for everyone from their own money? So yes, this might be on you and your inability to do that assertion. But you need to get that over. You cant hide from people you dont like. 

[Seymore]

36 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

I agree with @MissCanuck, stop handing your power over to him.  Bring the birthday donuts, participate like you always have.  Don't let James steal your work joy.

Sounds like others are aware of James' irritating personality.  From someone with many more years of work experience than you, I can tell you:  Be patient.  The Jameses of the work world don't last.  

But this may last a year, two years, or longer.  At some point, James will think he's so great, too great for this "stupid place", and he'll move on.  You'll finally have peace.  Trust me, I've worked with Jameses a million times.

So for now, be patient, nod and slowly go back to your work when James annoys you.

My advice is to say nothing to him that could be considered adversarial, because it will turn on you.   Oh, I guess @Seymore isn't having a good day.  

Just nod, be polite and courteous, and let him do his stupid shtick of popping up every time his insecurity thinks he's not getting enough attention.  I promise you, everyone else feels the same, even if they're being polite and going along with him.

I once overheard the President of the company I was in speaking with our manager about a similarly annoying coworker who had announced, very loudly and proudly, that she had found a new job.  We could all tell she was hoping we'd all be envious of her.  The President's exact words to the manager?  "Good riddance".

Be patient.  This is the stuff of sitcom skits, except you're in it.  Trust me....you won't end up working with him forever.

Come to think of it, a couple of months ago the owner asked what we think of him (while he was gone of course). I had said that he seems to have an excessive need for validation, and the owner did say "I definitely do not disagree". It turns out he had been job hopping before here, so I can't help but wonder if they couldn't tolerate him either. Thinking about that, I don't feel so alone in my thoughts.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Seymore said:

Since he came in, nobody seems to shut him down and I feel like nobody understands

What is it you want them to understand, exactly?

They seem to realize how annoying he is, but they choose to ignore him and get on with their day. I am not sure what else you expect them to do in a professional setting. 

Do you feel like people are overlooking you now in favour of him? I am trying to get at the deeper issue here, beyond this man being a bit of tool. There is something more plaguing you, it seems. 

[Seymore]

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

Assert yourself? 

If he stands behind you while talking to Boss, you say "Excuse us James, this is between two of us". If he tries to hijack the conversation say "Excuse us, we are talking". If he tries to say how he will do it you say "Thanks, but we are doing it my way". Narcissists are like that. Expect constant praise and always try to but in a conversation how they would do stuff. And you need to nip that through. And not hide from him and allow him to do whatever he wants. 

Your coworkers arent really helpful either. Heck, if I have to notice, they also tend to get advantage of you. Do they also do stuff for your birthday? Bring donuts for everyone from their own money? So yes, this might be on you and your inability to do that assertion. But you need to get that over. You cant hide from people you you dont like. 

Thank you. As I mentioned, I really like all of my coworkers. It's a small company but it's like family in that way. Yes, they try to do things for my birthday too, but I don't like my birthday being celebrated. But I like to do it for them. 

[Seymore]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

What is it you want them to understand, exactly?

They seem to realize how annoying he is, but they choose to ignore him and get on with their day. I am not sure what else you expect them to do in a professional setting. 

Do you feel like people are overlooking you now in favour of him? I am trying to get at the deeper issue here, beyond this man being a bit of tool. There is something more plaguing you, it seems. 

I don't feel like people are overlooking me. He doesn't do my job so in a way they can't...although he has plenty of input on how I do things🙄

I guess what I feel is that nobody in management or anywhere else pulls him aside and says "look, this is annoying. Knock it off and get back to work". So then I feel like the crazy one. 

[MissCanuck]

3 minutes ago, Seymore said:

I guess what I feel is that nobody in management or anywhere else pulls him aside and says "look, this is annoying. Knock it off and get back to work".

That's frustrating, but it's also their call. I don't think they're quite as bothered by all of this as you are, unless they're poor managers and afraid to rock the boat. That would be a whole other issue. Keep in mind that even if they do talk to him, you might not know about it. That would be between them and him. 

4 minutes ago, Seymore said:

So then I feel like the crazy one. 

You're not crazy, but you are letting it bother you far too much. 

[Batya33]

Agree with Miss Canuck.  Practice being polite, but firm.  And use a compliment sandwich.  "James- I really appreciate your input on this.  If I don't finish my thought I'm likely to forget what I was sharing.  Can you wait to share until I'm done.  Thanks again!  Then right away continue.  Say this quickly, directly and politely.

[Cherylyn]

Each time James cuts you off during your mid-conversations with others,  say, "James,  you're interrupting me."  If he refuses to stop interrupting,  don't stop every single time he interrupts,  continue speaking to whomever you're speaking to and if the listener cannot hear you,  repeat yourself without stopping whenever James interrupts you.  I've done this and it works.  Sooner or later,  James will stop interrupting and better yet,  the listener will chime in and tell James to be quiet because you and the other person are engaging in a conversation.

Attend birthday celebrations.  Never allow James to ruin your plans.  Keep on going.

[Kampuniform3]

As I’ve always stated, being proficient in a workplace is mostly a function of interpersonal acuity, because you can be brilliant with your specificity designated responsibility, but still be a monumental failure if your people skills are lacking. 
 

The number one rule of all workplaces: There’s always at least one on the payroll whom everyone has to tolerate. 
 

This is what you don’t do: JADE

Justify

Argue

Defend

Explain

This is what you do: BIFF

Brief

Informal

Friendly 

Firm

You also minimize contact, as contact is an obvious flash point. 

[yogacat]

I agree with the good suggestions already given, and if I may just add to it, I would reframe and look at this James character as a 21-year-old James, too full of hormones, too full of his perceptions, and eager to make something of himself-feeling that the way to advance is to be noticed.

The seeking of recognition, in general, is uncomfortable when his efforts become self-centered. These don't listen, don't care, only see himself, and it has got to be a game of competing for attention.

It should not be this way and doesn't have to be.

What I am rather hinting at is that a change of attitude and approach is needed here. No elaboration is necessary, but just keep this idea in the back of your mind when you come to him: you are talking to the kid he is, and it's a bit hard for the time being, in that he's busy trying to make friends and be noticed.

Make sure the 'interrupting' if it is affecting your work is in your documentation more explicitly. You're basically covering your butt. When/if HR comes to you and asks what's happening between you two, you are returning with great recollection, facts, data and etc.

Sometimes too, there are actions or traits that bother us and they very well are valid and true but may also indicate something is being awakened inside of US that needs to be addressed. Try to use the individual as a reflection whereby you understand yourself and improve. It gives you self-awareness, which will, in turn, be for your good and provides an opportunity to grow into a better leader.

[Batya33]

Also as my mama would say consider yourself lucky that till now you've had an unusually collegial workplace.

[Seymore]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I got up an hour early to reflect, get in a positiv mood and get myself excited to go to work and be the person I used to be, and just enjoy my day without letting someone have power over me. I am invaluable to this company and there is a reason why everyone here likes me.

I feel good so far and am not afraid to simply raise my hand up if he interrupts. Thanks again!