what do I do if she feels lonely but I feel suffocated

[rainbowsandroses]

15 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

No, it is not. You're making excuses. 

This is borderline emotionally abusive behaviour on her part. The fact that you minimize it is deeply concerning but it's also indicative of how lost you are. 

Denial? 

[ShySoul]

The advice most people would give would be the same regardless of what genders are involved, not because of the gender or even because of the circumstances. It would be to end things because it is easier to end things then to put in the hard work necessary to do something about it and make it better. 

I, for one, appreciate that you are trying to find a middle ground so that both of you can be happy and get what you need.

1 hour ago, beamingsoleil said:

but if one my (girl) friends told me that her boyfriend or husband did that, id be livid... but again, it's just different.

It is different. It is always different when it is your relationship. When it's an outsider looking in it is easy to jump to an answer, say it's abusive and they should just run. It's easy to be outraged because you don't see all the nuances involved, all the particular quirks in a relationship. You don't have the full backstory or understanding of why a person is behaving in some manner. And you don't know the particular dynamics of that relationship, of everything they have been through together.

Everyone has there threshold of what is acceptable and they can tolerate. That varies from person to person, and relationship to relationship. Only you can say what is okay for you. I don't see you are in any physical danger, so if you still want to work things out with her, that is your call.

On 9/20/2024 at 4:06 AM, beamingsoleil said:

I told her that she shouldn't worry about me cheating on her because if I truly wanted to, id find or had found a way to by now, so it's pointless and doing more harm than good to stress out about the possibility of me cheating on her... which I guess does sound suspicious.  she did eventually give them back to me and apologize for the way she initially reacted though, and she let me talk once she calmed down.

So she got upset because you brought up how easy it would be for you to find a way to cheat? I think that was pretty reasonable actually. 😉

Seriously, it was good of you to bring it up. That was just a poor way of doing so. Yes, she overreacted in taking the keys, but it also was a predicable response given someone as highly emotional as her on this topic. Talking with her requires a delicate touch. And when you were able to let the emotional response pass, you were able to have a calm talk and reveal more about what is going on with her. That's progress. It's not going to be an easy solution. There will be ups and downs. You'll both do and say stupid things. And that's fine. But you can work through it with some patience and understanding.

On 9/20/2024 at 4:06 AM, beamingsoleil said:

one of the things that she explained was that I plan to go to university next year, so this is the last year that she has with me where my schedule will be more flexible, and she feels that me spending too much time with my friends will waste it.

 So there is a reason behind her actions, a reason that makes some sense. She wants to maximize your time together while she still can. And note, she isn't trying to control you going to university. She is okay with you spendng time with friends, just not too much of it. 

Yes, set boundaries. Yes, have your own space and time. Strike a balance. For many valid reasons, this person you care about is someone who needs more time and emotional investment then average. Try to be understanding to those needs, just as she should try to be understanding to yours.

And hope you enjoy your volunteer work. I've volunteered both at libraries and a Boys and Girls club. They were both enjoyable and rewarding experiences. Nice to see someone getting involved like that.

[ShySoul]

I know I'll be alone in saying this, but if a woman wanted to spend all that time with me, I'd be hiding the keys myself and shutting off the phone. Sometimes too much of a good thing... can be a good thing.

Find the right balance for you. Incremental progress is good. Work together and see how things go. Hope you can work it out.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 9/20/2024 at 4:06 AM, beamingsoleil said:

I tried to ask her if she didn't want me to hang out with my friends alone because she's worried that I'll cheat on her, but she got extremely upset about it. I couldn't even get out the rest of what I was about to say. she took my phone and hid my keys because I was "being suspicious" and told me that I shouldn't have any good reason to use them and that she could drive me anywhere that I needed to go.

Generally I dislike the standard advice "run for the hills" too (unless one is in physical danger) for some of the reasons Shy mentioned (not all), however...

A couple cannot work together to resolve an issue without first acknowledging the issue and what's quoted above is a HUGE issue!

What she is saying is she doesn't even allow for normal communication between you without flying off the handle, taking your phone and hiding your keys. 

That's just flat out toxic and should NOT be tolerated in any way, shape or form and you should have made that 100% clear right there and then!

Instead, you rationalize and find excuses for it, blaming yourself for saying the "wrong" thing which I personally thought was fine! 

Not to mention true!  Nothing "suspicious" about it whatsoever and only a severely paranoid and extremely insecure and highly dysfunctional person would think so and take your phone and hide your keys, that's just plain nuts. 

IOW your enabling it.

This will not resolve anything OP, I can almost promise you that. 

[redswim30]

OP as others have pointed out.  It is NEVER the current partner's job to "make up" for the mistakes of others. 

Her trust issues are hers, alone.  Something inside her will not disappear no matter what you do.  Because someone as insecure as your wife is, you are always going to be guilty until proven innocent.  Not only is that unfair to you, it is unhealthy and frankly, abusive. 

She calls 3-4 times every time you are gone?  That is extremely unhealthy.   

We live in a co-ed world.  No one can be with you 24/7.  She either trusts you or she doesn't.  But part of this is also in your hand.  Are you okay with your wife being your babysitter or not? 

If not, then YOU need to set some boundaries and not be concerned if it upsets her or not.  Because right now, she is calling all the shots in your relationship and acting more like your parent than your partner. 

Unless someone is on their deathbed, no one needs their spouse home with them constantly.  Don't let her justify this being about "love".  It's not.  It's about control.  

Only you can determine if you are fine with letting her control this the rest of your life or if you plan to do something about it. 

Personally, I would get to couples counseling.  And tell her with love, " This cannot continue.  While I love you and I love our marriage, this issue is driving a wedge between us.  I do not want that.  Would you be willing to work through this with me?' 

See what she says.  But this conversation must happen.  The longer you let this continue, it will simply become an expectation and then a demand (and kinda already has become that).  

[rainbowsandroses]

Too add, I also think her behavior re shutting down communication, taking your phone and hiding your keys is a symptom of a much larger issue, and at this point would not rule out the possibility of some sort of mental illness manifesting. 

How old is she?