what do I do if she feels lonely but I feel suffocated

[rainbowsandroses]

Have you considered getting a dog?  Like a lab or something?  I'm not even kidding.

She (or both of you) can take her/him to the park or beach and it would be something to fulfill her time, focus on and love other than you. 

Thus you can get your much needed space from time to time.

Such a simple solution but seriously dogs are amazing and may change your lives in a very positive way. 

Visit a dog shelter, there are so many and see if she/both of you can connect with one. 

I dunno, something to consider. 

[ShySoul]

48 minutes ago, beamingsoleil said:

I tried to talk to her about this earlier and she told me that whatever I want to do, I can do in front of her, and that I don't love her as much as she loves me if I don't want to be around her, and that space is for single people. 

she has "trust issues" from a previous relationship

What are the "trust issues?" You might be paying for the sins of others.

You are perfectly right about needing time to yourself. You seem to have a good view of what makes a healthy relationship. So don't feel bad about wanting this or think some of the things she is saying - you don't love me - are true. It's finding a way to deal with whatever issues and hang ups she has regarding relationships and managing time and expectations together. 

Hopefully if she is taking to someone they can help her. If you think it would be beneficial for you as well, do it. At a minimum you can learn coping skills for how to handle the situation when she says things like that, doing it in a way that doesn't leave either of you feeling hurt or misunderstood.

Maybe don't make it about your relationship. Find things that show how a little space can be good for couples. Reassure her that you love being around her, but that it's also good to have your own lives. Being a couple doesn't mean you are tied together all the time. You can each have your own thing and come together in a way that is even more beautiful for the time spent apart.

Think it would be good to have a specific date night each week, as well as separate alone time. You could encourage her to pursue her own thing, something she's wanted to try and then when you meet up after you can become even closer as she shares it with you.

[ShySoul]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Such a simple solution but seriously dogs are amazing and may change your lives in a very positive way.

More of a cat person, but actually a really good idea. Having a pet to bond with can take away feelings of being alone and give her something to focus her attention on so she isn't relying solely on you.

[beamingsoleil]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So she told you before you married that there would be no "space" because that is for single people? If that was true and ok with you why is it a problem now? Sounds like otherwise you two have a lovely relationship and good for her for seeking therapy -is it related to her needing to have you around all the time?

nope. she didn't. before we got married, there's been times where she said things like "you shouldn't complain about x, we're in a relationship" or "why are we dating if you don't want to do y" but it was never anything that was worrying or that made me feel the way that I feel now, she still gave me time and space for myself.
im not *exactly* sure why she chose to start therapy. she can be extremely anti therapy at times. she mentioned that it was to work on herself though. 

[beamingsoleil]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Have you considered getting a dog?  Like a lab or something?  I'm not even kidding.

She (or both of you) can take her/him to the park or beach and it would be something to fulfill her time, focus on and love other than you. 

Thus you can get your much needed space from time to time.

Such a simple solution but seriously dogs are amazing and may change your lives in a very positive way. 

Visit a dog shelter, there are so many and see if she/both of you can connect with one. 

I dunno, something to consider. 

she keeps talking about how much she wants a golden retriever, but we don't have enough room for that right now. also, sadly for her, we already have a cat.
it is a good idea though! it seems that he brings her immense comfort with the amount of videos I get of him while im gone
 

[beamingsoleil]

3 hours ago, ShySoul said:

What are the "trust issues?" You might be paying for the sins of others.

You are perfectly right about needing time to yourself. You seem to have a good view of what makes a healthy relationship. So don't feel bad about wanting this or think some of the things she is saying - you don't love me - are true. It's finding a way to deal with whatever issues and hang ups she has regarding relationships and managing time and expectations together. 

Hopefully if she is taking to someone they can help her. If you think it would be beneficial for you as well, do it. At a minimum you can learn coping skills for how to handle the situation when she says things like that, doing it in a way that doesn't leave either of you feeling hurt or misunderstood.

Maybe don't make it about your relationship. Find things that show how a little space can be good for couples. Reassure her that you love being around her, but that it's also good to have your own lives. Being a couple doesn't mean you are tied together all the time. You can each have your own thing and come together in a way that is even more beautiful for the time spent apart.

Think it would be good to have a specific date night each week, as well as separate alone time. You could encourage her to pursue her own thing, something she's wanted to try and then when you meet up after you can become even closer as she shares it with you.

she's scared that im going to cheat on her. oh I know I am🙃

thank you for the reassurance and your kindness and empathy towards both of us. 

we do have a designated date night.  it might be hard to convince her to agree to spending an hour apart everyday though. I can't even use the bathroom without her trying to follow me.
 

[beamingsoleil]

4 hours ago, SophiaG said:

 

Sounds like you should have a conversation with her and get to the bottom of these issues.

Did anything change around this time in her life or your relationship?

Any reason she doesn't like your friends, apart from them being girls? Has any of your friends be disrespectful to her, flirty with you in front of her, etc.? It sounds like she's trying to distance you from (some of) your friends so that the friendship eventually dies.

That's a very reasonable need. You said you do go to gym alone - maybe also schedule time to go for walks or runs in the park or sign up for classes like crossfit - activities that you can decompress alone that she takes no interest in?

This is not true and an important point to address with a calm conversation or maybe marital counseling.

Why would she prefer this especially given her trust issues? Could some new friend or recent behavior of a female friend triggered those concerns?

 

4 hours ago, SophiaG said:

 

Sounds like you should have a conversation with her and get to the bottom of these issues.

Did anything change around this time in her life or your relationship?

Any reason she doesn't like your friends, apart from them being girls? Has any of your friends be disrespectful to her, flirty with you in front of her, etc.? It sounds like she's trying to distance you from (some of) your friends so that the friendship eventually dies.

That's a very reasonable need. You said you do go to gym alone - maybe also schedule time to go for walks or runs in the park or sign up for classes like crossfit - activities that you can decompress alone that she takes no interest in?

This is not true and an important point to address with a calm conversation or maybe marital counseling.

Why would she prefer this especially given her trust issues? Could some new friend or recent behavior of a female friend triggered those concerns?

as I mentioned before, besides one of her best friends moving, I don't think so...at least not any changes that would make her behave in this way

if they ever tried anything with me, they would be gone from my life in the blink of an eye, her and my friends know that. long story short, she doesn't like my friends because she thinks that they don't like her.  she's actually the one who thinks that they're trying to distance me from her.

she prefers guys that...are less likely to be toxic, controlling,  possessive, aggressive, etc,  or as she likes to say, she likes guys to be "a little gay" so she's suspicious of my guy friends too in fear that we're listening to andrew tate together or talking about how much we love cheating when we hang out.

again, I don't think that any of my female friends would've done anything to make her uncomfortable, and if they did she definitely would've said something by now

(thank you for the advice!)

[shouldhavelearned]

Volunteer at an animal shelter 

 

[MissCanuck]

I don't think finding her hobbies or activities to take up her spare time is going to help here. 

Why? Because it's not a boredom problem, from my point of view. It's an insecurity problem. She has deep anxiety and insecurity about the marriage, to the extent that she follows you to the bathroom, and worried you're listening to cheating podcasts, OP. She doesn't trust you. This is not someone who's going to be soothed or distracted by a new extracurricular activity. 

Until she gets to the root of her insecurity, this won't get better. 

[Cherylyn]

Before pet ownership,  try fostering a cat 🐈 😼or dog 🐶 🐕 or both at different times.  As cute as they are,  animal ownership is a huge responsibility for approximately 14 years give or take. 

Work on your marriage.  Sure,  animals are a diversion but they're a lot of work.  Someone has to pick up dog waste outdoors in all sorts of weather or clean the cat's the litter box.  Who will walk the dog daily once or twice a day throughout its life?  Animals need to be fed several times a day and given fresh water.  There is animal grooming especially for a dog such as baths,  nail trims and brushing to control shedding.  There is extra vacuuming for animal fur.  How will the animal fare when no one is home?  Or, if you're on vacation?  Who will tend to the pets?  There's annual animal licensing fees,  veterinary care,  vaccines and they're almost like little people.  Animals are a lot of work and they're expensive.  Unless you have monthly pet insurance,  veterinary bills are very costly if animals get sick,  need medicines,  require surgery or any type of veterinary care.  It's not cheap. 

Animal ownership can be overwhelming if you're unaccustomed to taking care of another life. 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, beamingsoleil said:

she's scared that im going to cheat on her. oh I know I am🙃

thank you for the reassurance and your kindness and empathy towards both of us. 

we do have a designated date night.  it might be hard to convince her to agree to spending an hour apart everyday though. I can't even use the bathroom without her trying to follow me.
 

My sense is before you married you saw her neediness as how into you she was and you were flattered/liked it.  Now you see the downside. Do you really think she is following you around because she loves you or because she's triggered by irrational thoughts of you leaving her or cheating?

When our son was almost 2 we took him to a party at my husband's colleague's home - adults and kids.  HIs colleague wanted to give us a bit of a break so she asked if she could give our son a "tour" of her house -holding his little chubby hand.  He went with her all excited smiles.  They returned in under 3 minutes and he was sobbing -once he turned the corner with her and didn't see us he freaked out.  Separation anxiety- which is most of what your wife seems to be experiencing.

[yogacat]

12 hours ago, beamingsoleil said:

she's scared that im going to cheat on her. oh I know I am🙃

Where is this coming from, exactly?

The dog suggestion, as sweet as it is, really does nothing to address the situation you're having trouble dealing with. It's just a codependent dynamic plain and simple, and yes, she absolutely is trying to control her environment as a way of avoiding the problem she is having w/you spending time away from her outside the home.

You said that most of your friends are females.

Do you feel more drawn to female friendships? Was she cheated on by an ex? Or does she have some other experience, or some other life event, that made it difficult for her to trust you?

Is this really an issue of loneliness, or one of trust? She seems to have a decent social life going on-with friends, family, and things she can do on her own.

What's her tipping point; why is it a problem that you're spending time away from home? Does she express fear that when you're out, she wants to reach out-call you or text you-and you won't answer her?

It means that something in the give and take of the relationship is fundamentally out of balance.

That's why she feels so easily thrown off balance by your spending time away from her outside the home. Otherwise, two people can do things separately and still feel supported and loved while spending time in a healthy manner. 

There's a lot to unpack here.

[SophiaG]

On 9/14/2024 at 1:44 AM, beamingsoleil said:

the only (guaranteed) places I usually go everyday are to the gym, the library I volunteer at, and my part time job, and my time there is *very* brief.

Having another look at your OP and got a bit confused - do you do all these things everyday? If that's the case, gym, volunteering and part time job/hobby probably already add up to a few hours a day at least. Does she have any problem with you going to those places? If not, I suspect the problem lies with one or more of your female friends.

On 9/14/2024 at 1:44 AM, beamingsoleil said:

I used to go to this walking group too where id join my friend and her mom, which was the only place where I had a friend that she didn't disapprove of me going to, but she started going with me. I don't mean to be mean when I say this, but it stopped being as fun, and it felt like she was chaperoning me.

Why was it not as fun when your wife join your walking group? Sounds like a good chance for your wife to socialize with your friend. Does your wife act possessive or unfriendly to the friend on the walks? If not, it sounds weird to me that you would feel she's "chaperoning" you by joining your activity. Is your wife welcome at most of your friend gatherings?

Your wife's trust issues are probably something she has to overcome herself with her therapist. Meanwhile, you can reassure her by inviting her to join you and your friends, basically introduce all your female friends to her, let her know when & where you'll be so she doesn't feel you are trying to hide something/someone from her. There has to be a balance for sure - but if my partner routinely does stuff with female friends that he finds "less fun" once I start joining, I would feel strange too.

[beamingsoleil]

4 hours ago, SophiaG said:

Having another look at your OP and got a bit confused - do you do all these things everyday? If that's the case, gym, volunteering and part time job/hobby probably already add up to a few hours a day at least. Does she have any problem with you going to those places? If not, I suspect the problem lies with one or more of your female friends.

Why was it not as fun when your wife join your walking group? Sounds like a good chance for your wife to socialize with your friend. Does your wife act possessive or unfriendly to the friend on the walks? If not, it sounds weird to me that you would feel she's "chaperoning" you by joining your activity. Is your wife welcome at most of your friend gatherings?

Your wife's trust issues are probably something she has to overcome herself with her therapist. Meanwhile, you can reassure her by inviting her to join you and your friends, basically introduce all your female friends to her, let her know when & where you'll be so she doesn't feel you are trying to hide something/someone from her. There has to be a balance for sure - but if my partner routinely does stuff with female friends that he finds "less fun" once I start joining, I would feel strange too.

sometimes the library will call me to say that they don't need me if there isn't an event or no work to do, so it's not exactly everyday. im only at my part time job for 2 - 3 hours. then with the gym that's only an hour. she has to work during this time of the day or she takes that time to pursue her hobbies, so there isn't an option for her to come with me most of the time.  sometimes she'll come with me to the gym if she has the time or extra energy, same thing goes for my part time job. 

me and my friend don't take the walking group seriously, and that annoys my wife. most of the time we would be in close proximity, talking, but not exactly walking with the group. so when she started going with us, she would yell at us "what are you guys doing?!? come on" or she'd walk to us to tell us to pick up the pace. a few times, I would try to signal to her that we want to stay where we are, but it resulted in her yelling even louder, which made everyone start staring at us. then when she did decide to walk in the back of the group with us, she would keep repeatedly slapping my butt or trying to kiss me. I don't mind a little peck, but this was way beyond that, and it clearly was making my friend uncomfortable, and me too. there were a few other minor things that bothered me, but those are the two things in particular that made me want to stop showing up completely. I did tell her how uncomfortable her doing these things made me, but I never told her that it was less fun when she was there.  

she knows that she's welcome on most of our outings, she just doesn't want to go. the times where she does go, she complains the whole time and tells me to take her home. she's also already met all of my friends, and she doesn't like most of them.

[beamingsoleil]

7 hours ago, yogacat said:

Where is this coming from, exactly?

The dog suggestion, as sweet as it is, really does nothing to address the situation you're having trouble dealing with. It's just a codependent dynamic plain and simple, and yes, she absolutely is trying to control her environment as a way of avoiding the problem she is having w/you spending time away from her outside the home.

You said that most of your friends are females.

Do you feel more drawn to female friendships? Was she cheated on by an ex? Or does she have some other experience, or some other life event, that made it difficult for her to trust you?

Is this really an issue of loneliness, or one of trust? She seems to have a decent social life going on-with friends, family, and things she can do on her own.

What's her tipping point; why is it a problem that you're spending time away from home? Does she express fear that when you're out, she wants to reach out-call you or text you-and you won't answer her?

It means that something in the give and take of the relationship is fundamentally out of balance.

That's why she feels so easily thrown off balance by your spending time away from her outside the home. Otherwise, two people can do things separately and still feel supported and loved while spending time in a healthy manner. 

There's a lot to unpack here.

her ex cheated on her twice and did a lot of toxic or even abusive things. I honestly think that this made her believe that all guys are inherently bad, besides her family members or ones that she's known for a long time.
uhh? I do feel more drawn to female 
friendships, I guess because im use to being/feeling more comfortable around girls.
I don't know what the issue is...my original thought was that it was simply her feeling lonely, but im starting to question if it's *just* that.
 she just keeps telling me that she doesn't want to be alone.  she does call or text me while im out, maybe 3 to 4 calls every hour depending on where im at, and I always answer. there has been a few times where I declined her call though or left her on read because I couldn't talk, and she gets angry when I do that.
if it isn't just her feeling lonely, I don't know what im gonna do or what im supposed to do. 

[Batya33]

You can only control you.  Tell her in advance what your boundaries are. Like with the texting/calling - and if she gets angry -oh well. My husband  travels and also goes with colleagues for lunch and dinner including single female colleagues.  I only text if it's urgent.  because I love him and I want him to have a good time and not feel on some sort of short leash. 

[beamingsoleil]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You can only control you.  Tell her in advance what your boundaries are. Like with the texting/calling - and if she gets angry -oh well. My husband  travels and also goes with colleagues for lunch and dinner including single female colleagues.  I only text if it's urgent.  because I love him and I want him to have a good time and not feel on some sort of short leash. 

thank you

[SophiaG]

15 minutes ago, beamingsoleil said:

when she did decide to walk in the back of the group with us, she would keep repeatedly slapping my butt or trying to kiss me.

Oof. The butt slapper! 😁

I think the PDA is a way to assert "this is my man" in front of your friend, and obviously your wife feels uncomfortable with the two of you strolling behind the group, perhaps she'd suspect you might be talking something inappropriate. I do think all this stems from some underlying insecurity and trust issues your wife has. She will have to work on them on her own and with her therapist, though couple counseling could help as well if you can find a good professional.

[ShySoul]

6 hours ago, beamingsoleil said:

her ex cheated on her twice and did a lot of toxic or even abusive things. I honestly think that this made her believe that all guys are inherently bad, besides her family members or ones that she's known for a long time.
uhh? I do feel more drawn to female 
friendships, I guess because im use to being/feeling more comfortable around girls.
I don't know what the issue is...my original thought was that it was simply her feeling lonely, but im starting to question if it's *just* that.
 she just keeps telling me that she doesn't want to be alone.  she does call or text me while im out, maybe 3 to 4 calls every hour depending on where im at, and I always answer. there has been a few times where I declined her call though or left her on read because I couldn't talk, and she gets angry when I do that.
if it isn't just her feeling lonely, I don't know what im gonna do or what im supposed to do. 

I am also drawn more to female friendships, so I know that it doesn't have to mean anything more. Unfortunately, with her past that is not going to help matters. Doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong or should give them up. Doesn't mean she can't deal with it. Just means it's going to add to what is a complicated situation.

There are short and long term solutions. In the short term are the solutions mentioned of getting her things to do, of trying to create separate times, even the pet. They can help her feel better about herself, occupy her time and distract her from the insecurities.

Long term though, sounds like she needs to address the issues within her, most probably coming from those past relationships. That's what the therapy is for. Be it individually or together, there are deep issues that need to be resolved. She's the one that will have to do it for herself. All you can do is try to be supportive and understanding, gently nudging her to get help and reassuring her you are there. And talking to someone yourself could help you deal with everything you are feeling and will be feeling if you stay with her through it all.

[beamingsoleil]

 I tried to ask her if she doesn't want me to hang out with my friends alone because she's worried that I'll cheat on her, but she got extremely upset about it. I couldn't even get out the rest of what I was about to say. she took my phone and hid my keys because I was "being suspicious" and told me that I shouldn't have any good reason to use them and that she could drive me anywhere that I needed to go.

it was my fault though. I was trying to be reassuring, but my phrasing was awful, and I wasn't getting my point across effectively. I told her that she shouldn't worry about me cheating on her because if I truly wanted to, id find or had found a way to by now, so it's pointless and doing more harm than good to stress out about the possibility of me cheating on her... which I guess does sound suspicious.  she did eventually give them back to me and apologize for the way she initially reacted though, and she let me talk once she calmed down.

one of the things that she explained was that I plan to go to university next year, so this is the last year that she has with me where my schedule will be more flexible, and she feels that me spending too much time with my friends will waste it. I honestly wasn't regularly thinking about the effect that would have on our relationship or putting two and two together that it could've been the reason why she started acting this way. also, today is friday, which is the day that she agreed that I could spend my time how ever I wanted but she most definitely has my keys. I can't find them and she keeps laughing every time I ask her where they are🙃 im skating on thin ice with her though, and I want to stay on her good side, so I won't make a big deal out of it.

I also finally got accepted to volunteer at a boys and girls club, so she wants me to stop volunteering at the library because she feels like me volunteering at both places will take up too much of my time.

I don't think that she'll be entirely on board with me spending more time than she feels is necessary outside of the house any time soon. im still a tad upset that we didn't come to an agreement where she can feel more comfortable with me going out more. I understand that she's more important than anything or anyone, and I don't want her to feel like im choosing her over my friends, but I feel like constantly being together isn't doing any favors for our relationship. she agreed to give me a little more time to myself though, so a win is a win. anyway, thank you if you gave me advice or your perspective. it was much needed
 

[SophiaG]

3 hours ago, beamingsoleil said:

she took my phone and hid my keys

3 hours ago, beamingsoleil said:

im skating on thin ice with her

3 hours ago, beamingsoleil said:

she feels like me volunteering at both places will take up too much of my time.

I'm sorry OP but this sounds like your wife is getting too controlling and your relationship is bordering on abusive now. You need to be firm about individual and/or couple therapy to work things out. I'm afraid this will not last otherwise.

[MissCanuck]

18 hours ago, beamingsoleil said:

she took my phone and hid my keys because I was "being suspicious" and told me that I shouldn't have any good reason to use them

If the tables were turned and a man was doing the same to his female partner, what do you think the advice here would be? 

 

[beamingsoleil]

11 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

If the tables were turned and a man was doing the same to his female partner, what do you think the advice here would be? 

 

I'm not sure. that's sort of different though? I think because of the huge strength disparity (usually) and since women are more vulnerable, it's a little off putting and sounds worse than it is with me...so to do something. tell him that you're leaving or divorcing him if he doesn't stop. (assuming you're talking about the keys and phone situation) again, im not sure though. im not wise or good at giving relationship advice, so I can't predict what the advice would be. I don't even know what to do.

but if one my (girl) friends told me that her boyfriend or husband did that, id be livid... but again, it's just different.

[MissCanuck]

9 minutes ago, beamingsoleil said:

but if one my (girl) friends told me that her boyfriend or husband did that, id be livid... but again, it's just different

No, it is not. You're making excuses. 

This is borderline emotionally abusive behaviour on her part. The fact that you minimize it is deeply concerning but it's also indicative of how lost you are. 

[rainbowsandroses]

12 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

If the tables were turned and a man was doing the same to his female partner, what do you think the advice here would be? 

^^Bears repeating.