what do I do if she feels lonely but I feel suffocated

[beamingsoleil]

what am I supposed to do when my wife says that she feels sad and lonely when I leave her but constantly being at home is affecting my mental health?  every time I try to go anywhere I feel guilty and end up staying home. she keeps telling me that I can go out on friday's, but there's always an issue when I start getting dressed or remind her that im leaving. I can't keep spending this much time at home.

the only (guaranteed) places I usually go everyday are to the gym, the library I volunteer at, and my part time job, and my time there is *very* brief. also, while im friendly with a few people at these places, I don't consider them friends, and even if I wanted to consider them friends, a friendship is unlikely to form when we don't socialize outside of these places. I used to go to this walking group too where id join my friend and her mom, which was the only place where I had a friend that she didn't disapprove of me going to, but she started going with me. I don't mean to be mean when I say this, but it stopped being as fun, and it felt like she was chaperoning me.

anyway, the last time I *told* her that I was going out with my friends, instead of asking her, knowing that she'd probably convince me to stay home, she said  "so you're ditching your wife who's actively telling you that she feels lonely to hang out with another girl. okay. gotcha. " when I realized how distasteful and sad it was after she said it out loud, I started apologizing and telling her that I would stay home. but she kept giving me cold replies, like "no. it's cool. go" until she eventually forgave me.

it's not even just the social aspect that im bothered by, I don't feel that im getting enough alone time, as she brings me almost everywhere with her.  a time before that I decided to walk to the park just to get sunlight and get away from my laptop for a bit while she was running errands, and she got home before me and started crashing out, blowing up my phone that I didn't have with me. then when I got home she started yelling at me for "only thinking about myself as usual"

  anytime I bring up going out with my friends she goes to another room to ignore me and pout, then when I try to talk to her about why she's upset, it always ends up in an argument. or she nicely asks me to stay with her and tells me that she's going to be lonely and sad if I leave, which I almost always immediately tell her that I'll just stay home with her, but if I hesitate with saying yes, she gives me the silent treatment. either way, it ends in an argument.

things are going great other than that, so I hate bringing it up in the first place. every time we fight, I go into a downwards spiral and convince myself that she's going to leave me, and all these other horrible things, just for us to be fine 5 seconds later. im tired of feeling insane from an argument that I started.  on the other hand, being home this much is affecting my mental and social health. I haven't had this many anxiety attacks since the lockdown. staying inside this long is depressing and I think it makes me more anxious. especially with the constant, confusing, sudden highs and lows of our relationship. I just need an escape sometimes.

ive also been a horrible friend and the guilt has been weighing on me heavy. my friends just think im being a bad, flakey friend for no reason because I can't tell them that she wants me to stay home.

the previous argument I mentioned ended on her saying "why aren't you listening to me? im telling you why im upset, im telling you what I need. you simply aren't listening" and me telling her that I'll listen to her and try to fulfill her needs, so I don't want to mess up again for her to feel like we're taking steps backwards or that im not hearing her. what would you guys do? 

[smackie9]

You need couples counselling to solve this matter. This goes beyond her "being lonely". Meaning she uses that as an excuse...there's more to it.

[MissCanuck]

Does she has zero friends of her own? 

Does she work? It appears she has no life outside the marriage, which is a huge problem. It's not fair on you to demand round-the-clock emotional baby-sitting. 

[beamingsoleil]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

Does she has zero friends of her own? 

Does she work? It appears she has no life outside the marriage, which is a huge problem. It's not fair on you to demand round-the-clock emotional baby-sitting. 

she has friends...a lot more than me. one of her best friends just moved to another country though and that's contributed to how she feels. I remind her all the time that she has other friends to spend time with and that im sure that they don't want to be around me all the time.

her argument/response to that is always, "it's not the same thing!", and if it is, she should get to do everything that she does with me with them🙃 I see where she's coming from though, my friends can't replace her either. another thing, she thinks that since she's not that close with my friends, but ive known hers for a while, it makes more sense for us to hang out with her friends.

her, that best friend, and another friend of hers used to hang out together, but ever since her best friend moved, it's just the two of them, and she always vents to me about how awkward it is without the other best friend being there. so she always makes me come with her every time they hang out to "make it less awkward"

she has hobbies, family, and friends. I guess it's still possible to feel lonely or depressed with those things though

[beamingsoleil]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

You need couples counselling to solve this matter. This goes beyond her "being lonely". Meaning she uses that as an excuse...there's more to it.

im not sure what more there can be...?
thank you for your suggestion though. it's a great idea with everything going on. im not confident that she'll be open to it though

[MissCanuck]

8 minutes ago, beamingsoleil said:

she always makes me come with her every time they hang out to "make it less awkward"

She can't "make" you do anything. It's up to you to say no and stand firm in that. 

Part of the problem is you. You seem to concede to her demands an awful lot. I get that saying no probably leads to a headache and emotional blackmail from her, but what is your alternative? Continue to live life the way she wants it, without much regard for your own needs and desire? 

The whole marriage sounds quite unbalanced, with her not respecting you as an individual. 

[Andrina]

Perhaps if you spoke up about what this is actually doing to your marriage, she'd finally listen.

What would I say? Something like: I believe in a successful marriage, there should be a healthy balance of time together, time alone, and time apart to spend with friends and hobbies and careers. To me, our balance isn't right and I'm feeling upset and frustrated by that. I'm afraid for the state of our marriage when all this bitterness is building. I'm especially miserable when you say XYZ whenever I make plans with friends. I want this marriage to work, but for that to happen, there needs to be improvements.

Then let her reply. What she says will speak volumes. If she argues the point and refuses marriage counseling, I'd no longer live this life of manipulation and misery. She needs to stop punishing you for normal behavior. She should be amenable to hanging out with your friends such as a double date. Surely one of your friends has a gf or wife? It's healthy to prevent boredom to have couple friends. Tell her you want to invite another couple over for a meal. There's too much compartmentalization in your lives right now. And she made a comment about you hanging out with a girl. Are you on the same page about hanging out, one-on-one, with a friend of the opposite gender? Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

[smackie9]

6 hours ago, beamingsoleil said:

im not sure what more there can be...?
thank you for your suggestion though. it's a great idea with everything going on. im not confident that she'll be open to it though

Then you talk to a therapist yourself to learn how to approach, communicate, and follow through with support for her.

[ShySoul]

You have someone who cares for you and wants to be around you. First, appreciate how special that is. Rather then see it as sign of trouble or a problem she has, see it as her wanting to be with the person she loves. So many people are aching to have anything like that or feel like they are ignored by a partner. You actually have someone to be with. That's something to cherish in itself.

When people have an issue it's often helpful to not look at the present, but look at the past. Does she have abandoment issues? Did someone do something to her, leave her or ignore her? Has she had issues with self esteem, and thus needs someone there to reassure her and help her feel safe and calm? Getting to the why of the situation is the only real way to address it.

What are your personalities? Would you say you are more extroverted? You seem to feel the need to go out more then she does. Meanwhile she seems to get attached to specific people and prefers to focus more on them.

In general, approach this with empathy and understanding. Try to see it from her perspective. Talk and work together. Set up separate "together times" and "individual times." Make sure she knows you are there and really focus on her when together. And when you are separated, come back enthused and happy to see each other, having more to share with each other. 

https://www.regain.us/advice/general/6-tips-to-get-some-space-when-you-have-a-clingy-girlfriend/

[rainbowsandroses]

11 hours ago, beamingsoleil said:

things are going great other than that...

Can you share some of these other things that make your marriage so great?  

Also, how long have you been married?

Was she always this clingy, controlling, guilt-trippy or is this something new?

More context would be appreciated but in any event, I think marriage counseling would do you both a world of good.

In order to bring to light and discuss in a neutral setting some of the things @ShySoulmentioned in his post re possible abandonment issues etc. 

I don't think your marriage stands a chance if you don't.  You can mention this to her as well as she may not realize the seriousness of it.

 

 

[SophiaG]

Has she always been like this since you moved in together? Or was this a recent problem?

Have you ever negotiated or reached a comfortable balance of time together vs. alone time earlier in your relationship?

Do you invite her to join activities that you go out for or hanging out with your friends? If she never spent much time with them she wouldn't be close to them or feel comfortable with them. Why can't your wife come with you on some of those outings? Is your main concern about staying in so much or being around her so much? Do you work outside the home? Do you go out with your wife often when it's not just hanging out with her friend(s)?

It sounds like your wife doesn't like you hanging out with a female friend alone. Do you have mostly female friends? Have you had conversations about boundaries around those?

[Batya33]

I wouldn't assume that she wants to be around you because she cares about you - maybe partly but obviously she sees that you'd prefer to have private time or go out more on your own but demands that you hang out with her.  I agree with counseling and also being polite but firm. 

[beamingsoleil]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I wouldn't assume that she wants to be around you because she cares about you - maybe partly but obviously she sees that you'd prefer to have private time or go out more on your own but demands that you hang out with her.  I agree with counseling and also being polite but firm. 

that's very petty. I don't think that she would ask me to spend more time with her just because I want to hang out with my friends for a few hours or drive alone for a few minutes

[shouldhavelearned]

Do things together 

[Cherylyn]

Both of you need balance in your lives.  Aside from doing your own thing whether it's volunteerism,  a walk by yourself,  meeting friends and the like,  do more things together.  I'm not referring to accompanying each other only for mundane errands either.  🤨

I met a local,  childhood friend yesterday.  We ate meals together,  took walks,  enjoyed breaks,  shopped and spent the entire day together.  Then I drove home at 6PM.  We meet on the average of once or twice a month throughout the year.  I do the same with another local friend.  Both ladies are very dear friends of mine. 

During other times aside from our careers,  we maintain our households whether we're together or not. 

My husband takes his own walks.  I don't need to accompany him.  We enjoy our solitude and alone time separately.

Other times,  we enjoy our downtime at home and have in depth discussions without feeling rushed or limited with our time.  We enjoy our home cooked meals.  We cook together which is enjoyable.  We have a happy medium.  It's not enjoyable to feel smothered.  We space everything out accordingly.

Also,  it's not good to overbook your schedules.  Find time to be together either at your leisure or do something enjoyable together such as getting out of the house.  Either socialize together with mutual friends,  introduce her to your friends (individuals or couples),  perhaps enroll in a fun class for the day or do something to break the monotony.  Volunteer together at a soup kitchen. 

Too much separation isn't good either.  Find common ground.  Enjoy being together and make her feel included and wanted.  Space is good but too much space builds resentment.  ☹️

I wouldn't approve of my husband getting all dressed up for the evening to socialize on nights without me and him sharing laughter with others including females.  Something about this picture doesn't set well with me.   Include your wife or take her out for dinner and have a date night.  Have her look forward to special time with you.  Make her feel as if she matters.  Don't appear as if you're always escaping otherwise naturally,  she will feel as if you're deliberately avoiding her whenever it's convenient for you. 😠

Prioritize your marriage.  Don't spread yourself so thin.  Slow down. 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, beamingsoleil said:

that's very petty. I don't think that she would ask me to spend more time with her just because I want to hang out with my friends for a few hours or drive alone for a few minutes

No it's not petty it's selfish and self-absorbed. She's triggered by you wanting to do something alone and you're her security blanket.  Being needy to that extent is not caring. When my child was younger he'd notice if i was on the phone and want mommy all of a sudden.  Caring people -adults- care also by giving space. My husband and I do that. I just listened to a podcast episode on the show How to Be Fine where a woman wrote a book about friendships and explained that sometimes it's not good if your spouse is your only friend or has to be your BFF.  Really interesting.

How to Be Fine Podcast Series - Apple Podcasts

[beamingsoleil]

5 hours ago, SophiaG said:

Has she always been like this since you moved in together? Or was this a recent problem?

Have you ever negotiated or reached a comfortable balance of time together vs. alone time earlier in your relationship?

Do you invite her to join activities that you go out for or hanging out with your friends? If she never spent much time with them she wouldn't be close to them or feel comfortable with them. Why can't your wife come with you on some of those outings? Is your main concern about staying in so much or being around her so much? Do you work outside the home? Do you go out with your wife often when it's not just hanging out with her friend(s)?

It sounds like your wife doesn't like you hanging out with a female friend alone. Do you have mostly female friends? Have you had conversations about boundaries around those?

no, she hasn't always been this way...or at least not to a point where it bothered me. it started becoming a problem for me 4 months ago.
 I make an effort every time to get her to become closer to my inner circle, and they also try to include her in our plans, but she doesn't like my friends. she can't be bothered with them, and she thinks that we'll eventually stop being friends. she's caved multiple times though and hung out with them when I chose to follow through with plans we made.
 im mostly concerned about being home this often. I love, love, love being around her 24/7 but I need at least an hour to myself just to "decompress". I tried to talk to her about this earlier and she told me that whatever I want to do, I can do in front of her, and that I don't love her as much as she loves me if I don't want to be around her, and that space is for single people. 
 I work from home. (besides my part time job, which is more of a hobby and doesn't take up too much of my time)
yeah we go out very often alone, so I personally don't see a reason for me to constantly be around her friends as a way for us to spend more time together.
most of my friends are girls (not by choice) it never bothered her this much before though. if anything, I thought that she would prefer it to some extent?

we've had conversations about it, and I know what lines not to cross. no matter how many times we go over these boundaries or rules though, I think that she'll worry about me cheating or crossing a line. I don't blame her though. it must be tiring to feel like you have to worry about that. she has "trust issues" from a previous relationship

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, beamingsoleil said:

. I tried to talk to her about this earlier and she told me that whatever I want to do, I can do in front of her, and that I don't love her as much as she loves me if I don't want to be around her, and that space is for single people. 

So this was not her belief before you married? So she is being honest and transparent -to her you are married to her and marriage means you don't get me time.  Private time -(does she follow you when you take a shower?).  If two people want that that works for them but you don't want that. It's sweet to say you'd love to be around her 24/7 but obviously you don't -you want me time too.  Decide whether you can accept her restrictions -because they feel restricting to you.

[Cherylyn]

Most of your socializing friends are with women? 🤨  For me,  if it were my husband,  it's not a trust issue at all to be clear.  It's a respect issue.  For example,  I wouldn't go out to socialize with men.  I have nothing against what other people do or what other couples do regarding genders.  That's on them.  I'm saying it's not what some couples habitually do.

Even though you need to decompress which is natural,  also do something enjoyable with your wife.  Have something to look forward to whether it's random dine out meals,  an outing of some sort,  getting together with mutual friends,  perhaps start a new or existing hobby or something fun. 

Being together 24 / 7 is a bit much though.  At the same time,  don't appear as if you're running away because it's perceived as rude and neglectful. 

Get creative without spending so much time at home together.  There's plenty to do.  Go out for a picnic at some scenic location,  plan something regularly and change it up. 

[SophiaG]

 

Sounds like you should have a conversation with her and get to the bottom of these issues.

3 minutes ago, beamingsoleil said:

it started becoming a problem for me 4 months ago.

Did anything change around this time in her life or your relationship?

4 minutes ago, beamingsoleil said:

but she doesn't like my friends. she can't be bothered with them, and she thinks that we'll eventually stop being friends.

Any reason she doesn't like your friends, apart from them being girls? Has any of your friends be disrespectful to her, flirty with you in front of her, etc.? It sounds like she's trying to distance you from (some of) your friends so that the friendship eventually dies.

6 minutes ago, beamingsoleil said:

I need at least an hour to myself just to "decompress".

That's a very reasonable need. You said you do go to gym alone - maybe also schedule time to go for walks or runs in the park or sign up for classes like crossfit - activities that you can decompress alone that she takes no interest in?

8 minutes ago, beamingsoleil said:

I don't love her as much as she loves me if I don't want to be around her, and that space is for single people. 

This is not true and an important point to address with a calm conversation or maybe marital counseling.

9 minutes ago, beamingsoleil said:

most of my friends are girls (not by choice) it never bothered her this much before though. if anything, I thought that she would prefer it to some extent?

Why would she prefer this especially given her trust issues? Could some new friend or recent behavior of a female friend triggered those concerns?

[beamingsoleil]

9 hours ago, Andrina said:

Perhaps if you spoke up about what this is actually doing to your marriage, she'd finally listen.

What would I say? Something like: I believe in a successful marriage, there should be a healthy balance of time together, time alone, and time apart to spend with friends and hobbies and careers. To me, our balance isn't right and I'm feeling upset and frustrated by that. I'm afraid for the state of our marriage when all this bitterness is building. I'm especially miserable when you say XYZ whenever I make plans with friends. I want this marriage to work, but for that to happen, there needs to be improvements.

Then let her reply. What she says will speak volumes. If she argues the point and refuses marriage counseling, I'd no longer live this life of manipulation and misery. She needs to stop punishing you for normal behavior. She should be amenable to hanging out with your friends such as a double date. Surely one of your friends has a gf or wife? It's healthy to prevent boredom to have couple friends. Tell her you want to invite another couple over for a meal. There's too much compartmentalization in your lives right now. And she made a comment about you hanging out with a girl. Are you on the same page about hanging out, one-on-one, with a friend of the opposite gender? Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

I know, I know. im just scared that if I have a conversation with her about how I feel, it'll become a bigger issue and she'll be more upset, part of me would rather suffer in silence. it seems easier that way.
oh wow. very spot on to how I feel. thank you. 
I mentioned in a previous comment that my wife isn't too fond of my friends, so there's a slim chance that the double date idea will work out. it is a good idea though, and I'll at least try to see if she will be willing to try that out, im sure that one of my friends will agree to it.
I think ive gathered some good advice, especially yours, ill try to utilize it when I talk to her.

im going to talk to her about this later tonight or tomorrow. 
 

[Cherylyn]

Don't fear the conversation.  It needs to be had.  Silence is far worse.  Nothing gets resolved with silence.

A double date or more time with your wife outside the house is enjoyable. 

Make sure when you have a talk with her,  ensure zero distractions.  No radio,  TV,  put the cellphones away,  no PC's, no nothing.  Give her your undivided attention. 

Your wife sounds bored and needs outlets even if it's with you.  Even though you work from home,  it's still important to be with her outside working from home.  Switch it up. 

Have something both of you can look forward to every week. 

[yogacat]

Your wife doesn't feel connected to you. This has less to do with you hanging out with friends and more to do with the lack of emotional connection in your relationship. 

I don't know how or when that started for y'all, but it's clear that she cannot find comfort and companionship with you. There is a deep and understandable doubt in your wife's subconscious that she cannot rely on you for love and emotion. So she's looking for ways to feel secure.

You need help.

You and your wife need help. However this isn't going to happen until she stops isolating you and forcing you to stay home. You both need a therapist.

Take one evening a week (or whatever you're comfortable with) and plan out together. Maybe include everyone. Go to dinner, or board games, or an activity that requires you work on a task as a team.

Then make a couples date night. Obviously she's insecure so be careful how you choose to spend that time.

Lastly, recognize that this is not healthy and it's really her responsibility to work through her issues, and that this is *her* behavior. But *you* can help by understanding what is going on and trying to work with her. Even though it's not your problem, you both know she's angry at you for finding a life outside of her. Why? 

Why did you choose this person to marry? What did you love about her? Are those things still there? Or has life and this insecurity watered it down and now it's barely holding on?

And then look at you. What do you want? Try having the relationship you want to have without worrying about what kind of guilt trip she's going to put on your shoulders. You are allowed to make plans, and keep them. You're an adult and she's got a safety problem you can't solve. 

But there is a way to be respectful about it. And keep showing her that she can relax, it doesn't mean you're leaving her. If she needs reassurance, do that separately - not by controlling you. And it does not mean you need to miss out on life because she's chosen to live in fear. You decided to marry her. Do the same for you, or at some point you are going to find yourself divorced with "what the hell happened?"

[beamingsoleil]

5 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Can you share some of these other things that make your marriage so great?  

Also, how long have you been married?

Was she always this clingy, controlling, guilt-trippy or is this something new?

More context would be appreciated but in any event, I think marriage counseling would do you both a world of good.

In order to bring to light and discuss in a neutral setting some of the things @ShySoulmentioned in his post re possible abandonment issues etc. 

I don't think your marriage stands a chance if you don't.  You can mention this to her as well as she may not realize the seriousness of it.

 

 

honestly, I don't feel that much has changed since we got married😶 but I just love life with her. she understands me in a way that no one else does, she helps me grow, keeps me motivated, and I have all the unconditional love that I need. we have a few issues that we need to work out, like this, but in the end it's all love. that's more than great to me.
"smackie9" suggested that I go to therapy on my own, and I wonder if it's better to work on ourselves separately first before even considering marriage counseling? she's recently started therapy already, so that might make more sense for now.  anyway, while id consider marriage counseling, I think that it'll take a more complicated issue to get her to agree to it

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, beamingsoleil said:

honestly, I don't feel that much has changed since we got married😶 but I just love life with her. she understands me in a way that no one else does, she helps me grow, keeps me motivated, and I have all the unconditional love that I need. we have a few issues that we need to work out, like this, but in the end it's all love. that's more than great to me.
"smackie9" suggested that I go to therapy on my own, and I wonder if it's better to work on ourselves separately first before even considering marriage counseling? she's recently started therapy already, so that might make more sense for now.  anyway, while id consider marriage counseling, I think that it'll take a more complicated issue to get her to agree to it

So she told you before you married that there would be no "space" because that is for single people? If that was true and ok with you why is it a problem now? Sounds like otherwise you two have a lovely relationship and good for her for seeking therapy -is it related to her needing to have you around all the time?