Wife is having a hard time and I can't help...

[Mr.Mister]

10 years ago, I moved to Japan, met a woman, got married, had 2 kids, and everything was going reasonably well.

But, we started struggling financially during covid times, so we decided to move our lives to America. I thought I could get a better paying job and I thought having the kids' grandparents around would be helpful. We couldn't afford the trip to America, so my parents paid for the whole thing.

Turns out my mother and America, for that matter, has changed a lot since I left. Covid really took a toll on things here, much more than it affected Japan.

The first few months staying with my parents were Hell on my wife. She tried to run away a couple times, but I convinced her to stay. My mother is so toxic now, and is racist toward my wife. It's sad. She also only accepts one way; her way.

Anyway, I got a good paying job and was finally able to get us an apartment, so we could get out of there. Things improved a lot, after that. However, more and more, my wife just wants to return to Japan. I do as well. The kids are enjoying their school life here and have friends here too. But, they are very young still (6 and 4), so I think they'll be fine to move back to Japan.

So, as soon as we can save up around $20,000, we'll move back. The issue is that I make good money but it covers our expenses, and that's about it. We don't really have a way to save much. We are kind of trapped here.

Even so, we are trying to make the best of it. My wife, however, has started to really hate America and she is also really upset being a stay-at-home mom. Our kids don't appreciate her cooking or all the things she does for them. She is frustrated and aggravated, and just wants to go home.

I don't know what I can do to help her. The only thing she wants is to move back to Japan, but I can't give that too here, unless a miracle happens, so what can I do?

I love my wife so much, but I don't know how to help her. I will continue to be there for her and support her the best I can. Then again, Japanese people are very restricted, even with their significant others, plus my wife is very independent, so it's best to just let her deal with it on her own, usually. Still, it makes me sad that I can't really help.

Any ideas on what I can do to make her feel better?

 

 

[Andrina]

Your 4 year old should be in pre-school and the older one in elementary school, so why can't she work part-time while they are in school? 

Sounds like she doesn't partake in any expatriate group. Research to see if any groups from her culture exist near you. If not, there are usually Meetup.com groups where mothers and children get together at parks, etc. 

As for the kids, they are of commonly sometimes bratty, but usually also loving. Are they being disrespectful to your wife? If so, where did they learn this behavior and why aren't they being taught to not hurt their mother's feelings?

[SophiaG]

Are you okay with moving back to Japan and potentially living there for the rest of your life? Never moving back to America again?

Why do you need $20,000 before moving? Can you and she start looking for jobs over there? Or maybe you can find a remote job that you can do from Japan?

Apart from your mom what are the reasons of your wife hating America? Is this a language issue? Does she want to work or do anything outside the home?

[ShySoul]

Which part of the US are you residing in? That can have a huge impact on how she is feeling about the country. Some areas will be much welcoming and have more people that are of her culture that she can relate to. Other areas will be as racist as your mother sounds like. Sorry you've had to struggle this much.

I think she needs to find something to occupy herself with. Can she work or volunteer part time? Is there a hobby she is interested in that she could do to make herself feel better? Getting out and doing something with her time would help her feel more productive and happier. It would get her out of her head and less focused on what she misses about Japan.

Every little bit saved helps. Have you spoken with a financial advisor who might be able to help you invest those savings and raise the money faster?

As for the children, that is what children are like. They are just at the age where it's old enough to give some break, but not old enough to care more for themselves. School brings a wave of new concerns that a parent has to deal with. They do appreciate her, they are just at the stage of not showing it. Maybe you could try talking with them if they get out of line and teaching them just how hard it is to be a mom and do all the things that she does. Or try doing some of those things together to teach them how challenging the responsibilities are. Might at least get the older one to think before he says or does something.

As for you, just be there for her and do what you can. Work hard to get yourself able to move. But also take the time each day to show you appreciative you are of her and how much you love her. I'm sure you are, but it never hurts to reinforce that with your partner.

[Batya33]

I am not in your home but your kids sound like typical kids who can be bratty especially about food.  I know she is japanese but I highly recommend the original version of the book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk.  Really great strategies and tips that likely will decrease her frustration.

I know they don't get along but can your mom watch the kids so your wife can have a break? I relocated for my husband's career to a new city -not country - 800 miles from where I'd spent the last 43 years with an infant and as a newlywed but I wanted to be a SAHM at least for a couple of years. I will tell you that when he was 4 and in pre-k 8-2:45 I couldn't have done a part time job unless it was very few hours and just a job -meaning not requiring availability outside specific hours, not intense brain work etc.  Not like my pre-SAHM career. 

My husband traveled a great deal, worked more than full time and with drop off and pick up from school, regular illnesses so my son missed school like many 4 year olds I had on a good day around 4 hours to get housework/cooking/shopping done so really the time to work part time was limited without someone who would have picked him up from school and/or after care at school.

I did resume my career part time when he was 7 and even that required once a week or twice of after care at school. To me it's not a mathematical "oh young child is in school 6 hours a day so of course you can work part time."  My son missed 22 days of kindergarten for various illnesses and the requirement of fever free for 24 hours.  

All of this to say -she needs some sort of outlet - and if your mother can pitch in to help her get more time to herself to do something volunteer -even at the kids' school- or maybe a small part time thing -I think her outlook will improve.  I'm sorry you're struggling.  Did you move there because of her or you moved there and then met her? Meaning was it one of those long distance sort of arranged things?

[Mr.Mister]

16 hours ago, Andrina said:

Your 4 year old should be in pre-school and the older one in elementary school, so why can't she work part-time while they are in school? 

Sounds like she doesn't partake in any expatriate group. Research to see if any groups from her culture exist near you. If not, there are usually Meetup.com groups where mothers and children get together at parks, etc. 

As for the kids, they are of commonly sometimes bratty, but usually also loving. Are they being disrespectful to your wife? If so, where did they learn this behavior and why aren't they being taught to not hurt their mother's feelings?

The 4 year old goes to half day preschool, so my wife only has 3 hours total to work or do anything. She does some part-time delivery work on those days, if the offers she gets are reasonable.

We do meet with the Japanese community here, but she said they make her miss Japan more.

As others have said, I think kids are just a bit disrespectful at their ages. Not much we can do about that, but to try and encourage good behavior.

Thanks for the reply.

[smackie9]

Things will just take a little longer than expected is all. A move like that is going to take a few years at least....that's the reality of it. I'm from a generation of "harden the f up, stop your whining, pull up your boot straps and get to it." To get to your goal, it's gonna take a lot of hard work, and discipline from the both of you. That means living in a cheaper place, living without, living with less, buying clothes from a thrift store, taking side work, be more creative in how to earn extra cash, etc. Have to be willing to make some sacrifices. Communicate positive thinking with your spouse.

[Mr.Mister]

15 hours ago, SophiaG said:

Are you okay with moving back to Japan and potentially living there for the rest of your life? Never moving back to America again?

Why do you need $20,000 before moving? Can you and she start looking for jobs over there? Or maybe you can find a remote job that you can do from Japan?

Apart from your mom what are the reasons of your wife hating America? Is this a language issue? Does she want to work or do anything outside the home?

I would be happy to move back to Japan for the rest of my life. It's a really great country, though the work culture is pretty tough. Also, most of the reasons I wanted to move back to America have changed and it's not really something I want so much these days. And, to be honest, I'm happy to live anywhere, as long as I'm with my wife and family.

Plane tickets for 4 people to Japan cost around $10,000. On top of that, we'll need some money to get started there. We'll also need money to send some of our stuff from America to Japan. And we have some debt we've accumulated here in America, so we'll have to pay that off too, but that's not much.

Where can I start... There are so many reasons that it'll be hard to list, but I'll write a few. First, Americans are very dirty. That's a big one. Americans wear their shoes inside and don't wash their hands when they go out to restaurants.

My sister gifted us YMCA memberships, so that was really nice and my wife enjoys that she can go to yoga occasionally there. But, people walk around on the floor with their shoes on, so she has a hard time focusing on the poses if she gets off the mat slightly and touches the gross floor.

Those are just a few examples. Those things would never happen in Japan. Japan people take their shoes off at the door, everyone is given oshibori (like a wet napkin) at restaurants to wipe their hands, etc.

My wife also hates how disrespectful Americans typically are. Even if they are nice, they tend to be sarcastic or joke around too much, which she doesn't appreciate.

She's fluent in English, but it's still not her first language, so sometimes it's difficult for her to understand people that speak just way too fast. I get it, as I experienced the opposite in Japan. Still, I believe it bothers her more than it bothers me.

Also, my youngest daughter was in preschool at 2, and then we came here and she couldn't go back to preschool until 3. And, in Japan, it was an all day preschool, so my wife could work. That doesn't really happen here. My oldest is on 1st grade, and my youngest will be in kindergarten next year, so things will get better, but Japan seems to have more options for childcare while you are at work.

If that's not enough, there's the obvious stuff, like how crazy expensive doctor's visits, insurance, etc. is. I make a lot more than I did in Japan, but I spend like $150 a week for health insurance alone. In Japan, I paid $100/month. Here, we have a copay of like $30 every time we see a doctor, and then there will be a bill for the rest later. In Japan, it cost like $8, total, for the whole thing. Also, dentistry is included on the national health insurance in Japan, so that doesn't cost an arm and a leg like here.

I'm sure there are a million other things too, but I will stop there.

[ShySoul]

If she is stuck at home with the four year old most of the time, can she do something from home? Work or volunteer? Or even online social groups. Doing things virtually is more common these days and plenty of places would love the help. There are many causes she could get involved with that might make her feel better and could be done from the comfort of your home (or at least as much comfort as a four year old will allow).

I'm also with you on how frustrating some parts of American culture may be, especially for her. They are frustrating for me and I've lived my whole life here. I have an Asian roommate and we never wear our shoes in the apartment. She made clear how dirty she found that. Health costs and insurance are crazy. And I would recommend daycare for the children, but that doesn't really help you get closer to your goal because of the cost. Perhaps look into it to see if it is viable or if there might be some local low cost option to occupy your children and give your wife some more free time.

Hope you can figure it out.

https://jessieonajourney.com/easy-ways-to-volunteer-from-home/

 

[Mr.Mister]

16 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Which part of the US are you residing in? That can have a huge impact on how she is feeling about the country. Some areas will be much welcoming and have more people that are of her culture that she can relate to. Other areas will be as racist as your mother sounds like. Sorry you've had to struggle this much.

I think she needs to find something to occupy herself with. Can she work or volunteer part time? Is there a hobby she is interested in that she could do to make herself feel better? Getting out and doing something with her time would help her feel more productive and happier. It would get her out of her head and less focused on what she misses about Japan.

Every little bit saved helps. Have you spoken with a financial advisor who might be able to help you invest those savings and raise the money faster?

As for the children, that is what children are like. They are just at the age where it's old enough to give some break, but not old enough to care more for themselves. School brings a wave of new concerns that a parent has to deal with. They do appreciate her, they are just at the stage of not showing it. Maybe you could try talking with them if they get out of line and teaching them just how hard it is to be a mom and do all the things that she does. Or try doing some of those things together to teach them how challenging the responsibilities are. Might at least get the older one to think before he says or does something.

As for you, just be there for her and do what you can. Work hard to get yourself able to move. But also take the time each day to show you appreciative you are of her and how much you love her. I'm sure you are, but it never hurts to reinforce that with your partner.

We are living in a small city in the Midwest. My family lives about 30 minutes drive away from our apartment. There is a small Japanese community here, but they don't really get together very often.

She does delivery driving whenever she has a chance, but she really doesn't have much time. Usually only a couple hours while the youngest is in preschool.

We have not spoken with a financial advisor, as we have a bit of debt and nothing to invest. Right now, my job is able cover our expenses, and that's about it. So, it's very hard to save. I believe we can actually start saving, once the kids are both in full-time school next year, and my wife can get a job. She'll enjoy that more too, because she always wants to work more and make money for herself.

Thank you for the advice and the reply.

[SophiaG]

I see, it sounds like moving back to Japan is best for your family then. Try to make it happen asap and until then just be understanding and supportive to your wife. Can you stay with her family for a bit or get some help from them when you move back?

1 hour ago, Mr.Mister said:

Plane tickets for 4 people to Japan cost around $10,000

You might want to revisit this. Unless you want to fly first class you should be able to get much cheaper tickets, especially if you are flexible with dates. On google flights there seem to be a lot of under $1,000 one-way flights from New York to Tokyo for example. I would think flights for the four of you should cost $5,000 tops considering connection flights etc. If there's no international airport where you live shop around to find the cheapest deal from an airport you can drive to. It can make a huge difference in costs.

 

[Mr.Mister]

21 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I know they don't get along but can your mom watch the kids so your wife can have a break? 

...

Did you move there because of her or you moved there and then met her? Meaning was it one of those long distance sort of arranged things?

My parents live about 30 minutes away, which my wife says is too far away, plus she doesn't want to talk to them, usually, so they aren't much help. I drive the kids there on weekends sometimes, though they are retired and enjoying their lives now, so it's not every weekend.

Still, even if the kids go to grandma's or not, my wife usually works on the weekend, so it's not help to her.

I moved to Japan as a student, met her within a few months and we dated for a year, before I had to return to home. I worked really hard to find a job in Japan so that I could move back to Japan, to be with her, and I got one. Returned to Japan after 6 months. The rest is history.

Thank you for your reply.

[Mr.Mister]

6 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Things will just take a little longer than expected is all. A move like that is going to take a few years at least....that's the reality of it. I'm from a generation of "harden the f up, stop your whining, pull up your boot straps and get to it." To get to your goal, it's gonna take a lot of hard work, and discipline from the both of you. That means living in a cheaper place, living without, living with less, buying clothes from a thrift store, taking side work, be more creative in how to earn extra cash, etc. Have to be willing to make some sacrifices. Communicate positive thinking with your spouse.

My parents are like that. They are Republican and that whole "pick yourself up by your bootstraps" thing seems to be really associated with that political party. I'm more of a democrat, and I feel that the government should help those in need more, as being poor and having to struggle is really hard and it's not healthy.

Also, America has changed a lot since my parents were working age, and it's a lot harder to pick yourself up by your bootstraps these days, at least the way they did. My dad retired with a pension. Good luck finding a job that give those these days. Also, they both make good money via social security, yet people keep saying we'll be making a fraction of what they make, as the amount of people giving will be less of something.

It's a different world these days, so you have to roll with the times and not live in the past.

Thanks for the reply.

[Cherylyn]

Let your finances dictate decision making which it normally does for the majority of cases.

Make the best of your life in America.  Same with your wife and children.  It's time to toughen up.  No sense complaining because it will do no good and get you nowhere. 

Live a good life to the best of your ability and your wife should do the same.  The more whining and complaining she does,  the more detrimental it is for her mental and physical health as she drags the rest of the household down.  👎 ☹️

Aim for financial security and make this lead your trajectory.  Survival comes first and then tailor the lifestyle accordingly.  It is what most people do.  Roll with it.  Instead of waffling back 'n forth regarding what to do,  live with what you have. 

Hang onto your good paying job. 💰 The whole family should be grateful and thrive.  Think positively and remove the negativity. 

There are benefits and disadvantages to every country.  Embrace advantages in all situations and let this be your guide.

[Mr.Mister]

4 hours ago, SophiaG said:

I see, it sounds like moving back to Japan is best for your family then. Try to make it happen asap and until then just be understanding and supportive to your wife. Can you stay with her family for a bit or get some help from them when you move back?

You might want to revisit this. Unless you want to fly first class you should be able to get much cheaper tickets, especially if you are flexible with dates. On google flights there seem to be a lot of under $1,000 one-way flights from New York to Tokyo for example. I would think flights for the four of you should cost $5,000 tops considering connection flights etc. If there's no international airport where you live shop around to find the cheapest deal from an airport you can drive to. It can make a huge difference in costs.

 

Her parents are deceased, and all that's left is her brother, whom has a bit of a mental problem, so he is no help, and her older sister, whom is a nurse and has a busy life of her own. So, we won't get any help there at all. But, my wife will be happier, so it's a better option.

You are correct about the price of the tickets. I guess the $10,000 estimate was for round-trip tickets that are last minute. If we plan ahead, it looks like it's about $1,000 a person or less. Not too bad.

Thank you for your reply.

[Wonderstruck]

22 minutes ago, Mr.Mister said:

My parents are like that. They are Republican and that whole "pick yourself up by your bootstraps" thing seems to be really associated with that political party.

Yeah, there are unfortunately a LOT of Boomers and Gen X-ers who still have that outdated, embarrassing mentality, and will try to elbow it down everybody's throats.

 

24 minutes ago, Mr.Mister said:

It's a different world these days, so you have to roll with the times and not live in the past.

I agree 100%.

I definitely think that you should try to move back to Japan as soon as possible, especially since you said that your Mom is racist towards your wife.

[Mr.Mister]

35 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Let your finances dictate decision making which it normally does for the majority of cases.

Make the best of your life in America.  Same with your wife and children.  It's time to toughen up.  No sense complaining because it will do no good and get you nowhere. 

Live a good life to the best of your ability and your wife should do the same.  The more whining and complaining she does,  the more detrimental it is for her mental and physical health as she drags the rest of the household down.  👎 ☹️

Aim for financial security and make this lead your trajectory.  Survival comes first and then tailor the lifestyle accordingly.  It is what most people do.  Roll with it.  Instead of waffling back 'n forth regarding what to do,  live with what you have. 

Hang onto your good paying job. 💰 The whole family should be grateful and thrive.  Think positively and remove the negativity. 

There are benefits and disadvantages to every country.  Embrace advantages in all situations and let that be your guide.

My wife definitely is trying to see the advantages in America, but the negative is way more than the positives lately.

Also, there is a saying, "happy wife, happy life". It's hard to live and be happy when she is so miserable here. Still, she has a smile most days and is trying to make the best of it.

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, Mr.Mister said:

My wife definitely is trying to see the advantages in America, but the negative is way more than the positives lately.

Also, there is a saying, "happy wife, happy life". It's hard to live and be happy when she is so miserable here. Still, she has a smile most days and is trying to make the best of it.

Let the money and jobs or lack thereof be your determining factor.  Then deal with daily life and go from there.  In the meantime,  everyone in the household needs to make the best of the situation whether you or her like it or not. 

Yes,  happy wife = happy life within reason.  Bread 'n butter issues come first.