I stumbled on what I think is my ldr bf’s ex’s reddit account and i’m hurt

[Holssi]

20 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Have you heard the saying  "If you look hard enough for trouble you will find it"  I agree you are looking for trouble either to feed your insecurities or validate your feelings of mistrust and jealously. I am not sure why you agreed to be in a relationship or what ever this is if you do not trust anyone.

  I agree you a LDR is the last thing you need to be in.  It is like an alcoholic working at a bar.  Not a good idea.

Lost

Thank you for this, lots to think about

[Holssi]

19 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Long distances relationships with few (or none) in person meetups are not an automatic guarantee that things are doomed. If you both care for and have feelings or the other, it is worth exploring. If you are both willing to put in the time, effort, and communication necessary for any relationship - be it in person or long distance - then you can make it work. 

I'm reminded of a quote from one of my favorite shows:
"If you could see anything you wanted, what would you do?"
"I'd learn to close my eyes."

If you are not able to hear about his past relationships without being insecure or jealous, don't ask about or go looking for information on those relationships.

This other woman is not you. There relationship is not your relationship. The way she talks or thinks about him is her opinion. It is NOT HIS. If he was in love with her, he would still be with her. But they broke up. He is with you. He is willing to have couples therapy with you, and was the one who offered it in an attempt to make things better between you. He apologizes for mistakes. You've said he lovingly takes care of you. Those are the actions of someone who cares about you and wants this to work. That is not the sign of someone who is hung up on an ex.

Doesn't even sound like he was interacting with this person. Anyone can post anything online. There are trolls and crazy people everywhere. Engage the internet world as little as possible and you'll have a much happier life.

This is what you need to focus on. When you start to feel insecure, pause and remind yourself of all the good things in the relationship. Remember the boundaries he has. Realize he isn't your exes. He is a different person, and that person you are happy with.

Hope you can conquer the anxiety and the two of you can continue to have a strong relationship.

Thank you so much, this actually made me feel better

[lostandhurt]

What are you doing to work on your issues?  Clearly this relationship is bringing out all of them so is it good for you?

 If there is no plan in place and I mean a real plan in place with definite times and dates to occupy the same place you will continue in this cycle until he grows tired of it.  I know that is not what you want.

 To be in a long distance relationship takes a lot of trust, a strong feeling of security in the relationship and a definite future together.  Do you feel like you have that?

Lost

[Holssi]

8 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

What are you doing to work on your issues?  Clearly this relationship is bringing out all of them so is it good for you?

 If there is no plan in place and I mean a real plan in place with definite times and dates to occupy the same place you will continue in this cycle until he grows tired of it.  I know that is not what you want.

 To be in a long distance relationship takes a lot of trust, a strong feeling of security in the relationship and a definite future together.  Do you feel like you have that?

Lost

I’m mainly working on my issues through individual and couples’ therapy along with medication for mental illness. It only gets truly hard when my insecurities get hit. There are moments where I trust him while there are moments where I don’t when i feel insecure 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Holssi said:

I’m mainly working on my issues through individual and couples’ therapy along with medication for mental illness. It only gets truly hard when my insecurities get hit. There are moments where I trust him while there are moments where I don’t when i feel insecure 

Then that is your answer. Overall there should be a foundation of trust with someone you are planning to be with long term.  Whether the lack of trust is because you're that insecure or because he's not trustworthy- really doesn't matter -it all adds up to this is not a good fit for you.  And for sure if you need couples therapy this early on I can't imagine a genuinely professional therapist would want to treat a couple who met twice.  Indeed I had a friend who's ex husband wanted to remarry ASAP and he was very religious so he was matched with a lady on the other side of the world, they met once or twice then did couples therapy to see if they were suitable for marriage.  But they were both on the same page -in their world you didn't  date for long before getting engaged and married so the therapy was to see if they were a good enough match for marriage.  They've been married many years.  You want a love match not something arranged.  I'm shocked a therapist would suggest counseling if after meeting twice you have this many issues.

[MissCanuck]

30 minutes ago, Holssi said:

There are moments where I trust him while there are moments where I don’t

It's not very realistic to expect yourself to trust someone when you have spent so little time together in peron. It would be unwise to put your blind trust in his hands at this time. That's why these ridiculously long-distance relationships often suffer. You aren't together enough to properly know each and establish that trust. 

You speak abuot this like you two are a long-term couple. But you're not, really. You have met two times. 

You are over-invested and putting the cart before the horse. 

[ShySoul]

You've known him a year and a half. You've met up in person twice. If you both travelled to see each other, I'm guessing those weren't quick two hour dates and there was a lot of time spent together. There is probably countless hours of phone/text/email/video calls. That is plenty of time to develop a relationship, gain trust, and be a couple. Not everything needs to be in person in order for it to be real.

What counts is what the two of you feel. If you feel a connection and believe you are a couple, then you are. If you feel it is real, then it is.

I've had a case where mutual feelings developed long distance and we had only seen each other twice in person, each travelling to the other once. That was completely real. And we remain close to this day. So it is possible.

We all have insecurities and doubts. We all get a little jealous at times. That is okay. What you shouldn't do is let your insecurities control you, causing you to do things you will regret. Try to focus on what is there that is real instead of what your wild imagination creates. Focus on the good that you have between you.

Hope you are doing well.

[lostandhurt]

9 hours ago, Holssi said:

I’m mainly working on my issues through individual and couples’ therapy along with medication for mental illness.

For me to tell you to just work through this and everything will be fine would be a huge disservice to you.  With your past, your insecure nature and embedded trust issues a long distance relationship is the worst thing for you right now.  It is like trying to put out a fire while simultaneously pouring more fuel on the fire.  In this case the distance and disconnect is the fuel and your insecurities and mistrust is the fire.  The only way I could think that this could be more of a bad deal is if he worked at a strip club or something similar surrounded by women all day.

  It appears that you are well aware of your own issues which makes you miles ahead of many people so my next questions are:  Over the previous 5 years before you met him do you think your mental health was improving?  Next is: Since you have fallen for him do you feel like you have stayed the same, improved or regressed?

  To be sure many suffer from insecurities (some on this forum) when they see their partner daily and feel their touch, feel the bond and most importantly the feeling of togetherness. At this time you do not get to feel all of those things making things so much worse. 

Lost 

[Holssi]

15 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

It's not very realistic to expect yourself to trust someone when you have spent so little time together in peron. It would be unwise to put your blind trust in his hands at this time. That's why these ridiculously long-distance relationships often suffer. You aren't together enough to properly know each and establish that trust. 

You speak abuot this like you two are a long-term couple. But you're not, really. You have met two times. 

You are over-invested and putting the cart before the horse. 

Thank you for this

[Holssi]

10 hours ago, ShySoul said:

You've known him a year and a half. You've met up in person twice. If you both travelled to see each other, I'm guessing those weren't quick two hour dates and there was a lot of time spent together. There is probably countless hours of phone/text/email/video calls. That is plenty of time to develop a relationship, gain trust, and be a couple. Not everything needs to be in person in order for it to be real.

What counts is what the two of you feel. If you feel a connection and believe you are a couple, then you are. If you feel it is real, then it is.

I've had a case where mutual feelings developed long distance and we had only seen each other twice in person, each travelling to the other once. That was completely real. And we remain close to this day. So it is possible.

We all have insecurities and doubts. We all get a little jealous at times. That is okay. What you shouldn't do is let your insecurities control you, causing you to do things you will regret. Try to focus on what is there that is real instead of what your wild imagination creates. Focus on the good that you have between you.

Hope you are doing well.

Thank you so much. While I definitely agree that meeting in person is different from online interactions, I can’t just discount the moments i spent with him remotely. Yes, in person is different but i still managed to develop a connection with him prior to meeting in person but i do see where the other commenters are coming from. I appreciate the advice you gave

[Holssi]

16 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Then that is your answer. Overall there should be a foundation of trust with someone you are planning to be with long term.  Whether the lack of trust is because you're that insecure or because he's not trustworthy- really doesn't matter -it all adds up to this is not a good fit for you.  And for sure if you need couples therapy this early on I can't imagine a genuinely professional therapist would want to treat a couple who met twice.  Indeed I had a friend who's ex husband wanted to remarry ASAP and he was very religious so he was matched with a lady on the other side of the world, they met once or twice then did couples therapy to see if they were suitable for marriage.  But they were both on the same page -in their world you didn't  date for long before getting engaged and married so the therapy was to see if they were a good enough match for marriage.  They've been married many years.  You want a love match not something arranged.  I'm shocked a therapist would suggest counseling if after meeting twice you have this many issues.

Thank you for your input

[Holssi]

12 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

For me to tell you to just work through this and everything will be fine would be a huge disservice to you.  With your past, your insecure nature and embedded trust issues a long distance relationship is the worst thing for you right now.  It is like trying to put out a fire while simultaneously pouring more fuel on the fire.  In this case the distance and disconnect is the fuel and your insecurities and mistrust is the fire.  The only way I could think that this could be more of a bad deal is if he worked at a strip club or something similar surrounded by women all day.

  It appears that you are well aware of your own issues which makes you miles ahead of many people so my next questions are:  Over the previous 5 years before you met him do you think your mental health was improving?  Next is: Since you have fallen for him do you feel like you have stayed the same, improved or regressed?

  To be sure many suffer from insecurities (some on this forum) when they see their partner daily and feel their touch, feel the bond and most importantly the feeling of togetherness. At this time you do not get to feel all of those things making things so much worse. 

Lost 

To answer, over those 5 years, my mental health was up and down but for the most part, im stable and improving. Since i fell for him, my mental health has mostly been heavy, not necessarily because of him but because of past experiences 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Holssi said:

Thank you so much. While I definitely agree that meeting in person is different from online interactions, I can’t just discount the moments i spent with him remotely. Yes, in person is different but i still managed to develop a connection with him prior to meeting in person but i do see where the other commenters are coming from. I appreciate the advice you gave

That sort of connection has very little relevance to compatibility in a romantic long term relationship.  Yes if you see each other regularly in person then it enhances and grows the connection in a different way but otherwise you're relying on a connection not based in experiencing daily life together.  You don't have to live together -we did not - but when we were long distance we'd been serious in the past plus saw each other at least every 11 days.  As a married couple I love our online "connection"- we joke around, use cute emojis, share articles, songs, videos, and when we were long distance we had long phone calls daily, emails etc but I never ever based our relevant connection on our online interactions.  

How often are you around him in person when he has a bad cold, when he just had an awesome day at work or a terrible one? How is he to be in the same room with but working on different things (welcome to my world lol) - how does he react when you want to watch a show and are engrossed but he wants to chat or vice versa? How is he on a week long vacation or a weekend with his family?

How is he when he wants to switch jobs, to interview, when he is worried about being fired or reprimanded at work -in person? What about when you get home from a date night and he gets an important work or family email and instead of the planned cuddling he now has a really stressful situation to deal with? How do you two interact in person in general in daily life which has stressors, joys, chaos, spilled milk and annoying sniffles and snoring?  Yes if  you love each other much of the minor stuff gets worked out quickly but not because of an online connection. 

But if  you don't get to see a person regularly in person over the better part of a year- all the seasons/holidays/birthdays, friends' birthdays there is no substitute to see if you are compatible for marriage.  For dating -sure maybe -for casual sex -why not -but not for marrige/long term IMO.

[yogacat]

So, do you feel he's being 100% truthful? This is going to be an uphill battle for you not just in terms of managing the RAJ but knowing when to trust that he's being honest with you. Especially that you're long distance and have only met twice...

So I don't know. I don’t know her from a hole in the wall and at the end of the day you’re going to know better than us whether or not details ones real vs ones fake, but certainly we are in agreement with each other that this road is going to be similar to walking on eggshells, you’re going to have to learn 100% when to fall back on the idea something is possessing vs reality.

In the end, nothing about this is a reflection of YOU. You don't need to compare yourself, how could you possibly? You don't know her? Your position for comparison is-as you've seen herself-a loss-causing one, and limiting yourself in this fashion or by allowing yourself to get to that place is damaging.

Its far easier to move past something like this if you don't give yourself permission to take residence in a proverbial empty apartment that's never been yours before. Let it go, for now, do not waste yourself. No reason to let a wolf that may or may not have been an imposter draw blood, it may JUST be a vapor.

Do you feel that you can move past that and trust this man? The amount of distrust and questioning that it's going to create will be exhausting.

What can you get out of this? That he's been with other women before you. That he's been in love before you. That he's had a life before you. Everything he's done before you has led him to you, your relationship, and him being with you. It's all a journey.

The hard truth is eventually, anybody with self-worth will eventually grow tired of this. I know from first hand.