I stumbled on what I think is my ldr bf’s ex’s reddit account and i’m hurt

[Holssi]

How do you deal with insecurities in a relationship after romantic trauma? 
 

I struggle with retroactive jealousy and insecurities along with trust issues due to repeated betrayals, men not being over their exes and constant lying in my past relationships and situationships. It took a massive toll on my self-esteem and idk how to bounce back and not let it affect my current relationship. Im in therapy but money is a struggle right now so i feel so alone in this. I’m very insecure about my partner’s exes and i wanna get over it and focus on the present.

[Holssi]

My bf and I are open with each other’s Reddit profiles and we would read each other’s posts and comments. I stumbled upon a post he made years ago and a girl commented on it to which he replied with a nickname that she has. I had a weird feeling about it along with curiosity so I decided to check the profile out and I felt my heart drop…

A lot of things line up to the stories he told me about their relationship and her posts and comments- LDR (France and NY), meeting irl at the end of December 2022, staying in Staten Island, him coming from a strict family, her having BPD, her quitting painkillers due to suffering from headaches and antidepressants cause of him, her looking for love for her loneliness, her ethnicity.

Her posts and comments show how absolutely in love she is with him and I felt like what I have with him isn’t special because the way she talks about him shows an intense and passionate love. I talked to him about it and despite the similarities, he doesn’t believe its her because of the differences:

-Her age doesn’t match his ex’s age, they never talked about marriage and moving in unlike what the Redditor said, they never played A Way Out (redditor said they did), they met on CSGO lobby unlike the posts that said they met on the confessions subreddit, his ex was never a sex worker or at least not to his knowledge, his ex is not bisexual, the poster saying that he comforts her when she’s down but him saying that she prefers taking up space, them being in love but not having a passionate relationship unlike the posts, the posts saying that they discussed an open relationship as a solution to cheating while his ex only mentioned it in passing as maybe wanting it, he never snuck out to see her

Despite the differences, the similarities are just too eerie and I struggle to believe it isn’t her and that our relationship and even me isn’t good enough because of what the posts show. My bf kept reassuring me that it isn’t her because despite the similarities, the differences are just too many, but i’m in pieces right now….he also said that if its her, then its likely a burner account filled with lies and inconsistencies. he just kept saying that he loves me more than he ever loved anyone and what we have is very special and unique. how do i move on from this? I have been so depressed, insecure and distrustful of him since it happened.

[MissCanuck]

45 minutes ago, Holssi said:

I have been so depressed, insecure and distrustful of him since it happened.

Even if it is her, why do you choose to believe that everything she has written is gospel truth, even from his perspective? You're letting your fear steer this ship rather than trusting in the secure connection you have with your boyfriend. Why this level of scrutiny over some Reddit posts? 

I think there must have been some pre-exisitng insecurity in your relationship if this has managed to rattle you so deeply. Rather than grilling him about the details and essentially punishing him for this, explore why this has triggered you so much. 

[Kwothe28]

Lots of people are “shady” about exes. Precisely because reasons like this. You dug up his entire history with her. While she is his ex and he probably never hears from her again. 

What I dont condone is him lying to you about it. It is probably her and not her burner account. That does cast suspicion about him. He probably did it because you play police inspector with his past. Though, a lie is a lie.

Will read the other thread for additional context. But your insecurities shouldnt be transferred to your relationship.

Are you also a Reddit couple or you know yourself in real life? And why obsessive behavior about his past?

Edit Ah, I remember. The race stuff. We already told you about that and that this has “red flags” all over it.

[MissCanuck]

18 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Edit Ah, I remember. The race stuff. We already told you about that and that this has “red flags” all over it.

Yes, I also just realized what OP's first thread was about. 

@Holssi, I hate to be blunt, but your relationship with this man is just not viable. You two have only met in real life twice, and it's already plagued with insecurities, mistrust, problems....to the extent that you want to do couple's counselling  - this isn't normal and not what a relationship meant to last looks like. Not after just two meetings offline. 

I'm sorry. This isn't going to end well for you and it's not a healthy relationship at all. I can't in good faith suggest anything else but breaking up and pursuing more realisic relationships with someone who doesn't live clear across the world. 

[Coily]

What's the "happy little" phrase on here. His dating past non of your business. or something like that

 

[redswim30]

41 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Yes, I also just realized what OP's first thread was about. 

@Holssi, I hate to be blunt, but your relationship with this man is just not viable. You two have only met in real life twice, and it's already plagued with insecurities, mistrust, problems....to the extent that you want to do couple's counselling  - this isn't normal and not what a relationship meant to last looks like. Not after just two meetings offline. 

I'm sorry. This isn't going to end well for you and it's not a healthy relationship at all. I can't in good faith suggest anything else but breaking up and pursuing more realisic relationships with someone who doesn't live clear across the world. 

^ Is this all true, OP?   You and this guy have only actually met up twice?   

I'm sorry to say this, OP, but you aren't really in a relationship.  This now makes way more sense to me why you're feeling jealous over old online stuff, because online is all you have with him. 

This relationship is not realistic at all.  Now that we've gotten that out of the way- 

I don't think you're ready for a mature relationship, OP.   IMVHO, since you struggle w/insecurity and jealousy, it makes sense that you would pick someone who is totally unavailable and therefore "safe".  The same way that people who struggle w/commitment tend to pick unavailable people. 

Anyone you meet is going to have some sort of past that doesn't include you.  If you cannot handle this simple fact, then maybe you simply aren't ready to date seriously.  You have to remember, if that relationship was so wonderful and perfect, they'd still be in it.  It's common for some people to remember relationships with rose-colored glasses sometimes, that doesn't mean that was the reality of it.   You really can't get a fair picture of that from some words online. 

You describe your issues as jealousy and insecurity, BUT IMVHO, your issues run deeper than that.  You need to start thinking about why you get THIS attached this fast to someone (let's face it) that you barely know.  You brought up couples counseling about someone you've only met twice.  Please really think about that.  That, and you are not good at resisting temptation. You clicked on her stuff, knowing full well it would upset you.  That's a form of emotional self-sabotage.  Why is that your inclination?  

If you can get to counseling, great.  But I also suggest you do some soul searching.  You need to confront what's really going on inside you. 

Do you feel the need to be attached but actual attachment scares you?

Do you feel like you need to be possessive of someone in order for them to love/care about you?

Do you pick unviable people because you want easy distance in case it doesn't work out?

Are you so afraid that someone won't be loyal to you that you go looking for proof that they won't be?

Do you feel like you have to make a huge commitment right away as opposed to actually taking the time of seeing if you're compatible for fear that you won't be?

 

I don't know.  But these are just some things to think about.  If and when you do get into therapy, if you can pinpoint more what's going on inside you, the more the therapist will be able to suggest appropriate plans to you.  

Meanwhile, just leave this situation-ship.  It's clearly not healthy for either of you and you already know there's no future there anyway. 

[TeeDee]

2 hours ago, Holssi said:

I struggle with retroactive jealousy and insecurities along with trust issues due to repeated betrayals, men not being over their exes and constant lying in my past relationships and situationships. It took a massive toll on my self-esteem and idk how to bounce back and not let it affect my current relationship. Im in therapy but money is a struggle right now so i feel so alone in this. I’m very insecure about my partner’s exes and i wanna get over it and focus on the present.

You have to get over these things before you can ever be fully happy in a safe, mature, healthy relationship.  While you are still broken & healing you will not attract a good partner.  You will get what you give out:  insecurity & fear or worse, somebody looking to take advantage of that. 

If money is tight, adjust your budget & figure out ways to improve your income. 

Get your therapist to recommend books or authors so you get FREE resources from the library & do the work on your own to help yourself.  Getting meaningful exercise every day will increase endorphins.  You don't have to train like you are going to be in the Olympics but at least go for a walk every day

You also need to stay off redit & garbage forums like there where you can read stuff that makes you insecure.  

You may also want to consider stopping all LDR relationships.  When you & your SO are apart that takes a tremendous amount of trust & self confidence. You have neither.  You are setting yourself up for failure.  If you dated somebody local who you could see, touch & spend time with, without a device in your hand 

[Holssi]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

Even if it is her, why do you choose to believe that everything she has written is gospel truth, even from his perspective? You're letting your fear steer this ship rather than trusting in the secure connection you have with your boyfriend. Why this level of scrutiny over some Reddit posts? 

I think there must have been some pre-exisitng insecurity in your relationship if this has managed to rattle you so deeply. Rather than grilling him about the details and essentially punishing him for this, explore why this has triggered you so much. 

Thank you, this is good advice

[Holssi]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Lots of people are “shady” about exes. Precisely because reasons like this. You dug up his entire history with her. While she is his ex and he probably never hears from her again. 

What I dont condone is him lying to you about it. It is probably her and not her burner account. That does cast suspicion about him. He probably did it because you play police inspector with his past. Though, a lie is a lie.

Will read the other thread for additional context. But your insecurities shouldnt be transferred to your relationship.

Are you also a Reddit couple or you know yourself in real life? And why obsessive behavior about his past?

Edit Ah, I remember. The race stuff. We already told you about that and that this has “red flags” all over it.

Idk if he’s lying for sure or she was…he seems really convinced it’s not her or that she’s lying…

we met in reddit, did ldr and met twice. I feel obsessed with his past due to retroactive jealous and trauma from past relationships 

 

 

[Holssi]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

Yes, I also just realized what OP's first thread was about. 

@Holssi, I hate to be blunt, but your relationship with this man is just not viable. You two have only met in real life twice, and it's already plagued with insecurities, mistrust, problems....to the extent that you want to do couple's counselling  - this isn't normal and not what a relationship meant to last looks like. Not after just two meetings offline. 

I'm sorry. This isn't going to end well for you and it's not a healthy relationship at all. I can't in good faith suggest anything else but breaking up and pursuing more realisic relationships with someone who doesn't live clear across the world. 

Thank you 

[Holssi]

51 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

^ Is this all true, OP?   You and this guy have only actually met up twice?   

I'm sorry to say this, OP, but you aren't really in a relationship.  This now makes way more sense to me why you're feeling jealous over old online stuff, because online is all you have with him. 

This relationship is not realistic at all.  Now that we've gotten that out of the way- 

I don't think you're ready for a mature relationship, OP.   IMVHO, since you struggle w/insecurity and jealousy, it makes sense that you would pick someone who is totally unavailable and therefore "safe".  The same way that people who struggle w/commitment tend to pick unavailable people. 

Anyone you meet is going to have some sort of past that doesn't include you.  If you cannot handle this simple fact, then maybe you simply aren't ready to date seriously.  You have to remember, if that relationship was so wonderful and perfect, they'd still be in it.  It's common for some people to remember relationships with rose-colored glasses sometimes, that doesn't mean that was the reality of it.   You really can't get a fair picture of that from some words online. 

You describe your issues as jealousy and insecurity, BUT IMVHO, your issues run deeper than that.  You need to start thinking about why you get THIS attached this fast to someone (let's face it) that you barely know.  You brought up couples counseling about someone you've only met twice.  Please really think about that.  That, and you are not good at resisting temptation. You clicked on her stuff, knowing full well it would upset you.  That's a form of emotional self-sabotage.  Why is that your inclination?  

If you can get to counseling, great.  But I also suggest you do some soul searching.  You need to confront what's really going on inside you. 

Do you feel the need to be attached but actual attachment scares you?

Do you feel like you need to be possessive of someone in order for them to love/care about you?

Do you pick unviable people because you want easy distance in case it doesn't work out?

Are you so afraid that someone won't be loyal to you that you go looking for proof that they won't be?

Do you feel like you have to make a huge commitment right away as opposed to actually taking the time of seeing if you're compatible for fear that you won't be?

 

I don't know.  But these are just some things to think about.  If and when you do get into therapy, if you can pinpoint more what's going on inside you, the more the therapist will be able to suggest appropriate plans to you.  

Meanwhile, just leave this situation-ship.  It's clearly not healthy for either of you and you already know there's no future there anyway. 

Yes, we only met twice in person due to circumstances. 
 

Thank you for the points you raised, I would love to reflect on it and write about it. 

[Holssi]

52 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

You have to get over these things before you can ever be fully happy in a safe, mature, healthy relationship.  While you are still broken & healing you will not attract a good partner.  You will get what you give out:  insecurity & fear or worse, somebody looking to take advantage of that. 

If money is tight, adjust your budget & figure out ways to improve your income. 

Get your therapist to recommend books or authors so you get FREE resources from the library & do the work on your own to help yourself.  Getting meaningful exercise every day will increase endorphins.  You don't have to train like you are going to be in the Olympics but at least go for a walk every day

You also need to stay off redit & garbage forums like there where you can read stuff that makes you insecure.  

You may also want to consider stopping all LDR relationships.  When you & your SO are apart that takes a tremendous amount of trust & self confidence. You have neither.  You are setting yourself up for failure.  If you dated somebody local who you could see, touch & spend time with, without a device in your hand 

Thank you for the advice

[lostandhurt]

Okay I need to be blunt with you.

You live in the Philippines and he lives in New York and have only met twice.  This "relationship" is going nowhere fast which is increasing your negative tendencies.  

 What is the plan to be together?

Did he travel to you or did you travel to him?

Has he proposed marriage?

Without moving forward anyone would feel worried and unsure but in your case it compounds your go to feelings.

 These other relationships where you were cheated on, were they in person relationships or online like this one?

Lost

[Holssi]

25 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Okay I need to be blunt with you.

You live in the Philippines and he lives in New York and have only met twice.  This "relationship" is going nowhere fast which is increasing your negative tendencies.  

 What is the plan to be together?

Did he travel to you or did you travel to him?

Has he proposed marriage?

Without moving forward anyone would feel worried and unsure but in your case it compounds your go to feelings.

 These other relationships where you were cheated on, were they in person relationships or online like this one?

Lost

We plan on being together in person after he graduates law school. We technically both travelled to each other- we both went to California, i chose the location so i can be with family members as well. These relationships where I got betrayed where in person but one was another LDR.

[SophiaG]

5 hours ago, Holssi said:

after romantic trauma?

What trauma?

5 hours ago, Holssi said:

My bf kept reassuring me that it isn’t her

Why does it matter if it's her or not? What's past is in the past. In my experience when an ex of my partner bothers me it's always because of something HE is doing or not doing in the current relationship. Is there some aspect of the relationship that you are not satisfied with? Is he not showing enough love? Poor boundaries with ex or other female friends?

[SophiaG]

5 hours ago, Holssi said:

he replied with a nickname that she has.

So he clearly knew who this person was, right? Not that it has anything to do with you, really. You don't want to go down the rabbit hole of digging up his entire dating history unless he's doing something shady NOW - but then you should simply dump him.

[Batya33]

It's also kinda simple-if you get to this point of sleuthing, digging -and then -confronting -please know it means there is no real potential for a serious romantic relationship.

[Holssi]

6 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

So he clearly knew who this person was, right? Not that it has anything to do with you, really. You don't want to go down the rabbit hole of digging up his entire dating history unless he's doing something shady NOW - but then you should simply dump him.

His explanation was the nickname he commented was because of her user flair in Reddit and that he does not know about this account, is convinced its not her or is using a burner account. I do see why people would think its shady

[SophiaG]

3 hours ago, TeeDee said:

You also need to stay off redit & garbage forums like there

Sorry, why is reddit a garbage forum? 😅 It can get overwhelming for sure but I found it a good resource sometimes and many friendly supportive people there

[Holssi]

10 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

What trauma?

Why does it matter if it's her or not? What's past is in the past. In my experience when an ex of my partner bothers me it's always because of something HE is doing or not doing in the current relationship. Is there some aspect of the relationship that you are not satisfied with? Is he not showing enough love? Poor boundaries with ex or other female friends?

Romantic trauma that I had where exes cheated, lied or were not ever their exes.

For the most part, im happy with him as long as my insecurities dont get in the way. He does have strong boundaries with other women and has no contact with exes.

[MissCanuck]

You're pain-shopping at this point, OP, and looking for reaons to feel even worse about yourself. 

This is why I say this relationship is really not good for you. He's too far away, you see each other too rarely, he's not very mindful of his bone-head commments about other women checking him out (according to your previous thread), and you're operating from a place of extreme insecurity. 

It's all a recipe for even more romantic trauma for you. 

[SophiaG]

16 minutes ago, Holssi said:

I do see why people would think its shady

By shady behavior I don't mean his explanation regarding this reddit account but other behavior in your relationship. If you weren't concerned to begin with you wouldn't even need to know if the reddit account is his ex or not. But now that others mentioned your previous thread, I agree that online relationships like that fuel insecurities as there's not much foundation to build trust on. Either end your long distance situation or end the relationship or you'll continue to be tortured by these thoughts.

[lostandhurt]

10 hours ago, Holssi said:

For the most part, im happy with him as long as my insecurities dont get in the way. He does have strong boundaries with other women and has no contact with exes.

Have you heard the saying  "If you look hard enough for trouble you will find it"  I agree you are looking for trouble either to feed your insecurities or validate your feelings of mistrust and jealously. I am not sure why you agreed to be in a relationship or what ever this is if you do not trust anyone.

  I agree you a LDR is the last thing you need to be in.  It is like an alcoholic working at a bar.  Not a good idea.

Lost

[ShySoul]

Long distances relationships with few (or none) in person meetups are not an automatic guarantee that things are doomed. If you both care for and have feelings or the other, it is worth exploring. If you are both willing to put in the time, effort, and communication necessary for any relationship - be it in person or long distance - then you can make it work. 

18 hours ago, Holssi said:

How do you deal with insecurities in a relationship after romantic trauma?

I'm reminded of a quote from one of my favorite shows:
"If you could see anything you wanted, what would you do?"
"I'd learn to close my eyes."

If you are not able to hear about his past relationships without being insecure or jealous, don't ask about or go looking for information on those relationships.

This other woman is not you. There relationship is not your relationship. The way she talks or thinks about him is her opinion. It is NOT HIS. If he was in love with her, he would still be with her. But they broke up. He is with you. He is willing to have couples therapy with you, and was the one who offered it in an attempt to make things better between you. He apologizes for mistakes. You've said he lovingly takes care of you. Those are the actions of someone who cares about you and wants this to work. That is not the sign of someone who is hung up on an ex.

Doesn't even sound like he was interacting with this person. Anyone can post anything online. There are trolls and crazy people everywhere. Engage the internet world as little as possible and you'll have a much happier life.

12 hours ago, Holssi said:

For the most part, im happy with him as long as my insecurities dont get in the way. He does have strong boundaries with other women and has no contact with exes.

This is what you need to focus on. When you start to feel insecure, pause and remind yourself of all the good things in the relationship. Remember the boundaries he has. Realize he isn't your exes. He is a different person, and that person you are happy with.

Hope you can conquer the anxiety and the two of you can continue to have a strong relationship.