Dating someone long term but sleeping with someone else behind her back

[Evie1]

We have been dating for 7 months. Talking every day (with him initiating it most of the time), seeing each other regularly by spending weekends together (we don’t live in the same city), holding hands, meeting friends and colleagues, he even took me to his work place and went on a little holiday together too. Liked one another and said it out loud since day 1. Because of his past trauma (military, PTSD, still scarred from a painful divorce where his wife cheated on him in 2020), I respected his “taking things slow” (despite him going on full speed in the very early stage but then sort of wanting to take things slowly a bit) - no exclusivity talk. I am from Europe (Italy/ UK) and he’s American. After starting to behave strangely and getting harder and harder to see him in person while he was saying he was only “busy with work” I found out he has been dating and sleeping with "a friend" behind my back (and her back). Apparently, she found out about me and she got mad so he quickly discarded me out of the blue the day before a planned weekend together and I just could not understand what had happened. Only weeks later, I found out by chance from a mutual friend what had happened. When I found out, he blocked me on everything and took her on holiday. Apparently, he has been telling people around that "this was never a relationship and we were never exclusive". Feeling completely heartbroken. Am I being unreasonable? To me, this is cheating but apparently not because "we were never exclusive". I never had to have the exclusivity talk anywhere in Europe and after all these months and everything we shared I took for granted that even without verbalizing it, we were on the same page and going in the same direction and I did not expect him to have someone else at the same time.

[Kwothe28]

15 minutes ago, Evie1 said:

Am I being unreasonable? Would you ever trust him again?

I dont think you are being unreasonable. But I also dont think you should have contact with this person ever again. There is simply no need after what he had done. 

15 minutes ago, Evie1 said:

I never had to have the exclusivity talk anywhere in Europe

Might be that. I also never had to have "exclusivity talk" ever here even though Americans and some others like that all "Oh we are not exclusives so its fine to do whatever" stuff. But, in most cases, that is just excuse. See, people dont like to be a villains in their own head. So they pull up a stuff like that to excuse themselves from their bad behavior. "Oh its OK that I am seeing somebody, taking her to holiday and all, but we are not "exclusive" so I would also do that with this other woman who i presented as friend". In short, I think you just stumbled on some player without genuine intentions toward you. I dont really think "exclusivity talk" will help when he stringed you along with psychobabble like "OMG I have divorce PTSD, we need to take things slow". 

[Batya33]

If you had sex did you discuss at least monogamy for safety purposes? I've never had sex with someone until we were in love and exclusive and it was never ever assumed (including for health reasons and to be on the same page were there an accidental pregnancy).  I never assumed exclusivity in dating but I am in the US.  Were you afraid to ask him -did you sense he was not all in? I'm sorry about the situation and I'd stop contact and get tested for STDs. I'm sorry you're hurting!

So he wanted to take things slowly but not sexually or from reading -you weren't yet having sex?

[Evie1]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If you had sex did you discuss at least monogamy for safety purposes? I've never had sex with someone until we were in love and exclusive and it was never ever assumed (including for health reasons and to be on the same page were there an accidental pregnancy).  I never assumed exclusivity in dating but I am in the US.  Were you afraid to ask him -did you sense he was not all in? I'm sorry about the situation and I'd stop contact and get tested for STDs. I'm sorry you're hurting!

So he wanted to take things slowly but not sexually or from reading -you weren't yet having sex?

Things were progressing well and as I mentioned, exclusivity talk is not really a thing in most Europe. You assume that after 7 months of dating and going on dates, trips ecc. you guys are on the same page. And yes, we did sleep together.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Evie1 said:

Things were progressing well and as I mentioned, exclusivity talk is not really a thing in most Europe. You assume that after 7 months of dating and going on dates, trips ecc. you guys are on the same page. And yes, we did sleep together.

Yes so he wasn't looking to take things slow sexually. Huge red flag IMO.  I dated a few Europeans back when (when I lived in NYC) so yes I know how it works and totally respect that! 

[MissCanuck]

Eh, he was being shady and he knew it. 

He was dating you both at the same time, evidently, and chose the coward's way out of it when he got caught. I dont think you're being unreasonable. He's not a clueless kid who thought this would be fine since you two never formally defined this as a relationship. That's a cop-out (for the record, I live in Europe too and know exclusivity talks are not really a thing) 

1 hour ago, Evie1 said:

After starting to behave strangely and getting harder and harder to see him in person while he was saying he was only “busy with work”

How long ago did this behaviour start? 

[TeeDee]

2 hours ago, Evie1 said:

. You assume that after 7 months of dating and going on dates, trips ecc. you guys are on the same page. 

That is where you went wrong:  assuming.  Nobody is exclusive until both people have the Talk, say it out loud & make mutual promises. 

Because you were long distance, in American culture that almost defaults to NOT exclusive.  Sorry. 

He's made it painfully clear that he's done so you need to shut that door & turn the corner.  heal & move on.   

Best wishes. 

[Evie1]

6 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

That is where you went wrong:  assuming.  Nobody is exclusive until both people have the Talk, say it out loud & make mutual promises. 

Because you were long distance, in American culture that almost defaults to NOT exclusive.  Sorry. 

He's made it painfully clear that he's done so you need to shut that door & turn the corner.  heal & move on.   

Best wishes. 

WOW - again, just completely different to how things are done here in Europe. Thanks for replying.

[Evie1]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Eh, he was being shady and he knew it. 

He was dating you both at the same time, evidently, and chose the coward's way out of it when he got caught. I dont think you're being unreasonable. He's not a clueless kid who thought this would be fine since you two never formally defined this as a relationship. That's a cop-out (for the record, I live in Europe too and know exclusivity talks are not really a thing) 

How long ago did this behaviour start? 

I am not sure, probably months. Again, he did not even admit this, I found out via a mutual friend. 

[TeeDee]

1 minute ago, Evie1 said:

WOW - again, just completely different to how things are done here in Europe. Thanks for replying.

It's a cultural thing.  Trust me I look like the buffoon American when I'm in Europe.  🤪

I'm sorry you go hurt but he sounds like he's rubbing salt in your wound.  That's just so wrong & mean.  Yes, break ups hurt but there is no reason to make things worse.  I value kindness despite my blunt on line communications style. 

Best wishes.  

[SophiaG]

You are not unreasonable at all. I'm sorry you are hurting and he's the a$$hole here.

I'm in the US but to me exclusivity is only relevant when you are getting to know people, going on the first few dates, etc. In this day and age with online dating people have way too many options so it is almost a given your date is probably talking to other people at the same time. But if you like each other usually after a few dates or at most a couple months the conversation should come up that you'd like to "get off the app" or stop seeing others. Or when the relationship talk happens and you start using the bf/gf label it usually comes with exclusivity.

I agree it's the best to be upfront and not assume when you date Americans but a decent monogamous person will start feeling ***ty before they drag the "non-exclusive" status too long being intimate with multiple people at the same time. Simple rule of thumb, if he has to hide/lie to a partner he knows he's doing something wrong. He was taking advantage of your being long distance and from a different culture. I would consider this cheating too.

[Evie1]

1 minute ago, SophiaG said:

You are not unreasonable at all. I'm sorry you are hurting and he's the a$$hole here.

I'm in the US but to me exclusivity is only relevant when you are getting to know people, going on the first few dates, etc. In this day and age with online dating people have way too many options so it is almost a given your date is probably talking to other people at the same time. But if you like each other usually after a few dates or at most a couple months the conversation should come up that you'd like to "get off the app" or stop seeing others. Or when the relationship talk happens and you start using the bf/gf label it usually comes with exclusivity.

I agree it's the best to be upfront and not assume when you date Americans but a decent monogamous person will start feeling ***ty before they drag the "non-exclusive" status too long being intimate with multiple people at the same time. Simple rule of thumb, if he has to hide/lie to a partner he knows he's doing something wrong. He was taking advantage of your being long distance and from a different culture. I would consider this cheating too.

Thank you for replying and for sharing your point of view. I never used online forums before but I was keen to see people's point of view on this situation I found myself into. We did not even met on Apps/ online (I don't use them) but we met in the "real life", in a random way. I did learn my lesson and I will be super clear from day 1 from now on - it is just interesting how different US vs EU dating world is but also I think he has been using the whole exclusivity talk as an excuse for his scummy behaviour ... 

[ShySoul]

It's not a country or culture thing. It's a person thing. People are individuals. A person who is going to cheat will find a way to cheat. A person who will lie will find something to lie about. You unfortunately found someone like that.

I am in the US. I've never had to have any kind of exclusivity talk. It's been mutually understand when it is, that it is. I have known other people who have felt the same. Things natural grow and you don't need to do more then admit you're feelings for each other and be honest with one another.

For others, they need to have that kind of talk. And that's fine for them. Even then, it's no guarantee the same thing won't happen.

There's no rule anywhere and it varies from person to person and relationship to relationship. So do what feels right for you. In general, I would say slow and steady wins the race. But it really is all about what you are comfortable with and finding the right person for you who will match that speed.

Sorry this happened to you. There is a better guy out there who will respect you a whole lot more.

[Evie1]

1 minute ago, ShySoul said:

It's not a country or culture thing. It's a person thing. People are individuals. A person who is going to cheat will find a way to cheat. A person who will lie will find something to lie about. You unfortunately found someone like that.

I am in the US. I've never had to have any kind of exclusivity talk. It's been mutually understand when it is, that it is. I have known other people who have felt the same. Things natural grow and you don't need to do more then admit you're feelings for each other and be honest with one another.

For others, they need to have that kind of talk. And that's fine for them. Even then, it's no guarantee the same thing won't happen.

There's no rule anywhere and it varies from person to person and relationship to relationship. So do what feels right for you. In general, I would say slow and steady wins the race. But it really is all about what you are comfortable with and finding the right person for you who will match that speed.

Sorry this happened to you. There is a better guy out there who will respect you a whole lot more.

Thank you so much for replying to this - I appreciate it. As I mentioned to someone else above, I never ever wrote in any online forum but this situation left me in disbelief especially when I have heard from a mutual friend who confronted him about this that he said "I never said it was a relationship nor exclusive" - then I started questioning myself I missed something here but as I mentioned, I spent time and lived for years in several countries in Europe and never ever had this exclusivity talk as a "rule" so I was keen to know what your opinion was on the other side of the pond too. I feel exactly like you, it's a persona thing. Because of things going well, just at a slower pace, I took for granted we was not messing about but again, lies lies lies. It hurts, you think you know the person and then it's a nightmare. Maybe I will realise one day I dodged a bullet here.

[ShySoul]

4 hours ago, Evie1 said:

I took for granted we was not messing about but again, lies lies lies. It hurts, you think you know the person and then it's a nightmare. Maybe I will realise one day I dodged a bullet here.

Think most of us experience that nightmare at least once before we can get to the real dream. Not the same scenario, but I certainly had my nightmare. 

You did dodge a bullet. Be grateful and see better is out there. Hope it comes your way soon.

[TeeDee]

On 9/13/2024 at 1:48 PM, Evie1 said:

 I think he has been using the whole exclusivity talk as an excuse for his scummy behaviour ... 

Probably.  My point stands that if you have these discussions early on you can avoid some heartbreaking problems later on.  

Be well.  Enjoy having him in your rear view mirror.