Went seperate ways after 6 dates, she asks playful if i miss her. What do I do?

[Elephiant]

Hey people,
I recently went on 6 dates with a girl. 
I enjoyed it and I think she did too. I felt warm feelings sometimes, but I didn't feel a big sparkle. I'm also doubting we have enough big interests in common. Our livestyle is pretty matching and big views on spending time and money or how to present ourselves where quite well matched.
Wanting to be honest about this I talked about this with her and said I wanted to be honest, didn't want to keep her waiting, but would like to see what's there between us. She said she also didn't feel a big sparkle but we both expressed that we would like to keep seeing eachother to see what's there. 
We are both newish to dating and we also talked about not knowing how to feel or what exactly we seek (roughly we both seemed to know of course). This was a very nice conversation.
Afterwards, just after the date, she messaged me that she thought about it well and decided that she wanted someone who goes for this completely and thought it better to stop seeing eachother. She thanked me for the nice time and send a really nice message. I answerred her with a similar message, thanking her.
That was last Saturday. It's now Thursday and she sent me a message like "So do you miss me a bit already ;)". This is quite playful for her doing I think, she is quite calm. I messaged her back "Haha, yes I do miss you a bit ;), you?". She answerred "I also do miss you a bit :)".
What does he mean with this? Does she want contact again or is this just casual talk? She's not the type of person to play with my feelings (far from it). My experience with dating is almost none, so I'm not that good at hints, but to me this seems like a big hint. On the other side, if she really wants to see me, she is also the type to just say so I think. What should I make of this? I'm mostly worried about making her uncomfortable if she doesn't mean anything with this.
Thanks for the advice!

[yogacat]

She's curious - maybe she's regretting letting you go - and her message is a way of probing to see if you still have feelings for her.

And, it kind of sounds like you're both keeping the door open a bit. 

Is that a good thing?? 

It could be a mistake, because you're not 100% thrilled with her, you already told her that there was no big spark. And you really can't find common threads (although that isn't as important as being truly interested in each other otherwise).

When you look at all of that, what are you cooking up in your brain? Maybe each of you will have a better time with someone else. If that happens, it'll simply fizzle out.

[Elephiant]

3 minutes ago, yogacat said:

She's curious - maybe she's regretting letting you go - and her message is a way of probing to see if you still have feelings for her.

And, it kind of sounds like you're both keeping the door open a bit. 

Is that a good thing?? 

It could be a mistake, because you're not 100% thrilled with her, you already told her that there was no big spark. And you really can't find common threads (although that isn't as important as being truly interested in each other otherwise).

When you look at all of that, what are you cooking up in your brain? Maybe each of you will have a better time with someone else. If that happens, it'll simply fizzle out.

Yeah I'm wondering about that. I kinda feel like I want to see her more. I said so to her at our last date, but that I didn't want to keep her waiting because I find it harder to figure out what I feel. I would have liked it if she just said she wanted to keep going and we would see what's in it. I would kinda still like it, but I don't know if that makes it sophisticated, because we both said we weren't over the moon about eachother. After she said she wanted to stop seeing eachother I felt worse than i expected, considering I wasn't in love. I wonder, is it still possible to develop such feelings over a longer time? We already dated 6 times in 5 weeks. I don't know what I should feel or expect since I have barely any experience in this. My gut feeling is conflicted however. Mostly because I don't want to give wrong idea to her If i dont completely feel it. I'm not shure if that's my giant allergy for fake behavior speaking though...

[HeartGoesOn]

39 minutes ago, Elephiant said:

I'm mostly worried about making her uncomfortable if she doesn't mean anything with this.

If she were serious about getting back together, she'd make it clear, with the fear of losing you. rather than make that clear, she chose to play silly little games.

Why are you stooping to the level of participating in this?

[ShySoul]

47 minutes ago, Elephiant said:

would like to see what's there between us. She said she also didn't feel a big sparkle but we both expressed that we would like to keep seeing eachother to see what's there. 

Relationships are about feelings. If your initial feelings were that you both wanted to see each other more, then see each other more. I've never regreted following my gut instinct and keeping an open mind, letting things develop naturally and fall where it will.

The biggest problem I see people make is overthinking. There is no correct way to feel or right steps to follow. There are no expectations to have. Every relationship is different and follows its own unique path. For some they feel that huge spark right away. For others it's slow burn. Some start big and fizzle. Some you feel nothing but friendship and then it grows into more over time. There are no rules, there are no guidelines,

So don't worry about what you should be feeling. Just focus on what feels right for the two of you.

If you are both new to this, you are both still figuring out what you want. So she was conflicted. Part of her wanted a full committment right away, But when she got it she realized maybe she didn't want it. So missed you and wanted to be around you. And that's okay. Things happen and we're not always sure what we want. You're feeling that as well.

Seems you both still want to go out. So go out. Have fun. Stick to the original plan and keep seeing each other to see what is there. Maybe it will lead to more, maybe it won't. But there is no harm in trying and you can have a lot of fun together in the process.

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, Elephiant said:

Yeah I'm wondering about that. I kinda feel like I want to see her more. I said so to her at our last date, but that I didn't want to keep her waiting because I find it harder to figure out what I feel. I would have liked it if she just said she wanted to keep going and we would see what's in it. I would kinda still like it, but I don't know if that makes it sophisticated, because we both said we weren't over the moon about eachother. After she said she wanted to stop seeing eachother I felt worse than i expected, considering I wasn't in love. I wonder, is it still possible to develop such feelings over a longer time? We already dated 6 times in 5 weeks. I don't know what I should feel or expect since I have barely any experience in this. My gut feeling is conflicted however. Mostly because I don't want to give wrong idea to her If i dont completely feel it. I'm not shure if that's my giant allergy for fake behavior speaking though...

Essentially both of you were in agreement that you want to take this slow and see what happens next...

Well, that's what we DO!! We all want to SEE where this next connection of hope ends up and when we're aroused and start hearing enough confirming evidence, BAM, that sparklesville thing is in our rear-view getting smaller and our focus shifts to more vivid aspects of a truly wonderful person. Sometimes the other person gets there first or decides that the other person is too much of a risk and withers up.  

She decided to pull the plug after five weeks of dating to find "someone who goes for this completely" meaning she wasn't happy with anything less than a guy who was really over the moon about her and who isn't a tourist in terms of commitment.

My opinion, what you reported above is a big hint to have an honest conversation with yourself. You're now at the opportunity to double-check whether you're kinda still wanting to see her because you like her-that-much or because you want to chase someone who's iffy about you hoping for some positive juju to hit. 

Of course, it's definitely possible to develop feelings over time, but usually, there is a natural curving of feelings; they peak in a new relationship and then ebb after that. The general rule of thumb is if it doesn't feel great at a certain point, it probably is never going to.

I'd say on average 6 to 8 weeks is a good amount of time to have at least a modicum of progress, 3 months is DEF. when feelings ought to start feeling like more than just hopeful waiting. Of course, your mileage will vary!

[SophiaG]

Depending on what exactly you said when you shared your feeling she might have felt rejected.

I'm not sure why it was needed to share you didn't feel a big spark in 6 dates. What is this "big spark" anyways? How big is big enough? Some people want quick, intense feelings in the first couple of dates and if they don't see that they're out. Clearly that's not the case for both of you. And there's nothing wrong with going slow. I develop feelings over time. Not necessarily with a set timeline but 6 dates or 5 weeks aren't that horribly long. I've met so many guys who are set in their ways "if there's no kiss by the third date she's not into you" or "no sex in 6 dates/2 months/etc? what a tease" - obviously they'd never work for me. To me there tend to be moments (often well after the first few dates) when a gesture, a remark, a certain way they look at me, etc. makes my insides melt and suddenly the guy I'm seeing who'd been just "nice and cute" becomes smoking hot in my eyes and the next thing I know I'd be daydreaming about him. Until that moment I don't make a big deal to tell them "I don't feel any big spark about you, but perhaps I will... one day." Even the most patient guys would probably feel a bit hurt by that!

 

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, Elephiant said:

is it still possible to develop such feelings over a longer time?... Mostly because I don't want to give wrong idea to her If i dont completely feel it. 

On multiple occassions it's taken me six months to go through the stages from friend to feeling something more to really being in love. So yes, feelings can develop over time. 

No way to know if they will for the two of you. Realize they might not. But if aren't around each other, then you never even give it a chance to.

Don't go into things with expectations. Just enjoy what is there at the time. If it becomes more you will know and be swept away by it. If if doesn't grow, you'll still know and can at least just have some fun times together.

And as long as you are being honest with her about your feelings, you won't be giving her the wrong idea.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

Seems you both still want to go out.

Huh? 

I'm curious why you think this^^ Shy. 

SHE pulled the plug after six dates.  Which tells me she did/does not wish to go out for whatever reason. 

Did you think she was lying or testing him?  Playing the hard to get game?  

Now she sends him a "playful" message asking him if he misses her?

I totally understand people having second thoughts and changing their minds in which case they message expressing that.  In some form or fashion. 

Here it just seems like she misses your attention OP and is throwing you a bone to see if you'd bite.

This is not uncommon, and my advice is to not read too much into it or expect anything. 

If she in fact has changed her mind and wants to still see you, she will or should let you know.

Not by sending ambiguous "do you miss me"? texts after she flat out dumped you.  A mixed message if there ever was one. Sigh.  It's also insensitive and frankly mean.  

Decent people do not toy with people's emotions like that. 

Please don't allow yourself to be messed with like that, have higher standards for yourself.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, HeartGoesOn said:

If she were serious about getting back together, she'd make it clear, with the fear of losing you. rather than make that clear, she chose to play silly little games.

Why are you stooping to the level of participating in this?

^^My sentiments exactly...

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, Elephiant said:

What does he mean with this?

It means her other option didnt come through. Usually when they came back, it means that. I mean she literally told you

3 hours ago, Elephiant said:

she messaged me that she thought about it well and decided that she wanted someone who goes for this completely

But now when that man is gone, she wants back to the option who she casted away. Dont let her take you out of the reserve bench. She wanted to explore other options so she alone did stumble and fall. Its not on you to pick her up, especially when she was the one who didnt wanted you.

[tattoobunnie]

I remember when an old buddy told me this guy she was dating was creepy.  They are now since happily married with a kid.  Do you both like spending time together, get each other's joke, enjoy when you touch, think of fun things to do together?  That's your spark.  If you don't get any of those things from each other, I would not respond further.

[smackie9]

You can assume all you want...the best thing is go with your best interest and communicate that with her.

[ShySoul]

19 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

SHE pulled the plug after six dates.  Which tells me she did/does not wish to go out for whatever reason. 

21 hours ago, Elephiant said:

we both expressed that we would like to keep seeing eachother to see what's there. 

she sent me a message like "So do you miss me a bit already ;)".

Don't think it's testing or throwing a bone. Think it's someone young, in his words "newish to dating," and still trying to figure out what she wants. She said she wanted to keep seeing him, changed her mind, then changed back. 

Not sure why people's first thought is to jump to her playing mind games and messing with him, or that she put him on the backburner for someone else and now is going back to him. Think sometimes people own experiences cloud their judgment and they project it onto situations when we have no proof any of that is happening.

Simplest solution is often the right one. And the simplest answer is that she changed her mind. She thought she could go without seeing him, then realized she didn't like it. Now she wants to see him again.

Regardless the reason, fact is she initiated contact when she was the one who said to stop. She broke her own rule and is seeking him out. That says to me she wants to talk to him. He wants to talk to her. So why not just talk and let whatever happens, happen.

[ShySoul]

I remember when someone I liked said we shouldn't be together. Then proceeded to contact me and change her mind, thinking we were good for each other. Wasn't a game. Wasn't disrespect. Wasn't putting me as second choice after seeing someone else. It was her honestly struggling with her own emotions and trying to figure out what she wanted and needed. 

If I hadn't talked to her, I would have not got to experience many great moments. But in giving things I chance, I was rewarded.

1 hour ago, tattoobunnie said:

Do you both like spending time together, get each other's joke, enjoy when you touch, think of fun things to do together?  That's your spark

Precisely. If you enjoy being around each other, be around each other. Forgot all the speculation and endless questioning. Just enjoy the moments and have fun together.

[rainbowsandroses]

Requoting a comment @MissCanuck posted on a different thread that is quite appropos on this thread as well imo.  At least as it stands now.

>>There's a lot be said for learning how to recognize very low interest, and not wasting more time or energy on it. <<

P.S. OP, is there an update? 

Has she responded to your response to her "do you miss me yet?" text?  Has she/you scheduled another date? 

I withhold further opinion and insight until you respond to this question.

 

 

[Andrina]

Perhaps she was drunk when she sent the text. IMO, her intent really doesn't matter, though.

To me, chemistry, is an important base. After that, you establish if you match in all the major ways. Without that strong spark, I would guess you'd each kick yourself when down the road, you happen upon someone who you're wowed by, but can't pursue them because you've tied yourself to someone whom you've settled for.

My suggestion is to just block her. Hold out for a person you have 100 percent confidence in moving forward with.

[ShySoul]

On 9/12/2024 at 12:54 PM, Elephiant said:

She answerred "I also do miss you a bit :)".
What does he mean with this? Does she want contact again or is this just casual talk? She's not the type of person to play with my feelings (far from it).

She did respond to your text. Did either of you contact the other again? Have you been able to talk and reconnect?

If she isn't the type to play with someone's feelings, probably means she did miss you, no games involved.

Just my opinion, but why block someone who reached out to you and indicated she missed you? Why block someone you feel like you want to see more of? Wouldn't that be the opposite of seeing more?

And just because you keep talking or even dating doesn't mean you are tied together forever. If someone comes along that one of you is more interested in, be honest with each other about it. You can always mutually agree to keep it as friends and let each other be free to see someone else.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. You can still talk to people and be friends no matter how things go relationship wise. 

[rainbowsandroses]

They only had 6 dates before she dumped him; OP has no idea what "type" she is.

And there can be numerous "probably's" here other than she "probably does miss you."

Like Andrina said, she was 'probably' drunk. 

Or it was 'probably' meant for another man.

Or she was 'probably' bored and seeking attention, which is my guess.

But who knows. 

They are all possible.

I'm still waiting for an update! 

[ShySoul]

Anything is always possible. Though if the person literally types "I also miss you a bit," I'm likely to believe that before coming up with alternatives such as being drunk or messaging the wrong person.

I've never told anyone I missed them if I didn't, I've never tried to contact someone as part of a mind game to make myself feel better. And no one has ever done that to me.

I have reached out to a person that I genuinely missed and whom we didn't part ways on the most ideal of circumstances. And I've had someone reach out to me because they missed me.

Six dates over five weeks - plus who knows how much time communicating between dates - can cover a lot of ground and be enough time to know a person pretty well. He's also the only one here who has spent any time with her at all. If he says that's her type, I've no reason to doubt him. And I certainly would trust his view over anyone else's

Not sure why people seem to want to make it more confusing or assign motivations to people rather then just trust the words that are right there. Majority of the time things are a lot easier then people make it out to be...

 

[MissCanuck]

12 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Requoting a comment @MissCanuck posted on a different thread that is quite appropos on this thread as well imo.  At least as it stands now.

>>There's a lot be said for learning how to recognize very low interest, and not wasting more time or energy on it. <<

Yes, we often see people on these threads hanging on to malarkey that isn't worth it. 

It's incredible how many excuses we sometimes make for what is simply low interest. I don't believe this is going be worth your time, OP. 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 9/12/2024 at 12:54 PM, Elephiant said:

She's not the type of person to play with my feelings (far from it). My experience with dating is almost none, so I'm not that good at hints, but to me this seems like a big hint. On the other side, if she really wants to see me, she is also the type to just say so....

@Elephiantadmittedly you have very little experience so it's understandable why her text confused you. 

It's not impossible that it was some sort of "feeler" text for the purpose of trying again.

Anything is possible.

You said she's not the type to play with your feelings, and that could very likely be true!

However it still doesn't mean she wants to try again, see you or even continue talking to you. 

Perhaps she felt lonely that night and was feeling nostalgic; I've felt that way at times after ending a relationship or dating experience.  And tbh I have also reached out. 

But it didn't mean anything other than how I was feeling in that moment, nothing more, nothing less.

And as I've matured, I don't do this anymore as I realize it can be confusing to the recipient just as it is to you.  And that's unfair. 

On the other hand, you also said if she really wanted to see you, she is the type to just say so!

So I was right, you really don't know what "type" she is, which is understandable you've only had 6 dates!

It takes a lot longer than 6 dates to determine what type of person someone is, sometimes years!

And even then, we still may not know!

That said, when I receive a mixed message and confused, I always go by what makes the most sense versus what I'd like the answer to be.

In this case that would be "if she wanted to see you, she's the type that would just say so."

Given everything you have posted and how honest and direct she's been, this is what makes the most sense imo.

But hey I could be wrong!

Still waiting for that update! 😀

 

[The Shark101]

On 9/13/2024 at 5:24 AM, Elephiant said:
"So do you miss me a bit already ;)". This is quite playful for her doing I think, she is quite calm. I messaged her back "Haha, yes I do miss you a bit
😉

Nothing to think about, she just wanted a boost to her Ego. Nothing more nothing less. Move on. 

Btw, it's not your job to bring the "talk", your job is to arrange a fun dated that'll leave her wanting more of it and more of you.

 

[Elephiant]

@The Shark101 @rainbowsandroses @MissCanuck @ShySoul @Andrina @smackie9 @tattoobunnie @Kwothe28 @SophiaG @yogacat @HeartGoesOn

Sorry for the delay in an update guys. 
I first want to say I really really appreciate everyone who took the time to comment and try and help.

I messaged her back and we went on a walk to talk about this. We both talked about what we feel about eachother, what we expect and what we find confusing about our own feelings (since we are both new to this). It was a really warm conversation and I think it made it clearer for both of us what we feel and what we want further. We both agreed to actually go on further dates. I myself feel much better about this because we had a deep conversation about it and, judging on her verbal and non-verbal communication I think she does too. 
 

I know people make a lot of excuses to keep contact going and I know people also cut it off to early sometimes. I do very much weigh my own thoughts on those 2 things and am not an impulsive person, so I don't make choices easily or try to convince myself one way because it feels better short term. I just want to say for some commenters that the cases of wanting attention or being vulnerable in one way or another at that moment of her sending the message were really not the case here (and that's not me convincing myself). But I do really appreciate the view on my situation from that perspective. So keep it going and thanks all.

Thank you all :).

[SophiaG]

32 minutes ago, Elephiant said:

I messaged her back and we went on a walk to talk about this. We both talked about what we feel about eachother, what we expect and what we find confusing about our own feelings (since we are both new to this). It was a really warm conversation and I think it made it clearer for both of us what we feel and what we want further. We both agreed to actually go on further dates. I myself feel much better about this because we had a deep conversation about it and, judging on her verbal and non-verbal communication I think she does too.

Sounds great, OP! Nothing wrong with going slow. Be patient with each other and good luck!