Have the conversation?

[MCsquared]

Is it worth it to have a conversation with a guy? We started talking on a dating app so obviously we were both looking for a romantic connection. At some point things became more of a friendship, more on his part pulling back on the romantic flirty-ness. But he says he values our friendship and I’m a friend that he’s always wanted but felt he never deserved. Do I just accept that this will only ever be a friendship or do I push for clarity that it could ever become romantic? I feel like I already know the answer but something in me feels I need to hear him say that we will never be dating or more than friends. Is that stupid to seek that clarity or just let things go along as they are? He deleted his bumble acct and when I asked him why he said its just bad news or he could say that he met his person, that person being me. Not sure if he was just saying that or really meant it. I feel like forcing the issue is going to push him away and I definitely don’t want to lose him as a friend, but I want more. Feel like I am giving him the girlfriend treatment of caring about him so much and he’s able to keep me at arm's length.

I'm not sure what to think or do.

[asena]

i think u should ask him. Some people don‘t look for serious romantic partners on dating apps, which is odd but unfortunately a thing.

Id be careful, he might be looking for a friends with benefits, so please just ask.

U have nothing to lose 

[TeeDee]

What do you want to do?  If you want the romance, then you need to speak up.  But understand, the minute you say something if he wants friends only then you will have to pull back & minimize the friendship for your own sanity.  Also sticking around puts you in the realm of orbiter -- the person who is there, hoping one day he will notice you, which never happens except in Rom-Coms.  The minute he gets a SO, you have to go because you wanting him makes you a threat to that new relationship. 

If you are genuinely OK with friends only and never more, you can stay silent, do nothing & continue talking to him but that sounds like you are selling yourself short.  Also if you are on the hunt for romance, keeping this friendship comes with opportunity costs.  the more time you waste with him, the less time you have to find your Mr. Right.  

[smackie9]

If I was looking for romance, I would drop him like a hot potato. Don't waste anymore of your time. 

[MCsquared]

This all started because we were on the phone last night talking and he’s traveling for work right now. I asked him if he ate dinner and he said no…and I said ok where are you now? He said he was sitting inside his car outside his hotel and that he hasn’t gone in because he spent the last hour talking to me. I don’t remember the exact wording but it was like I was holding him back from getting on with his evening. I don’t think he meant it that way, It was supposed to be a joke but I said oh well now I feel guilty for holding you back, forcing you to talk to me. And he said well I voluntarily offered it up (since he called me). I jokingly/not jokingly said oh well thank you for suffering through that for me, very self sacrificing and he was laughing so I guess it was all in jest. But truthfully I felt hurt. Like he doesn’t enjoy our conversations but he’s just calling, going through the motions with me? Why would he do that?

We hung up and then I replied to a text he had sent me while we were on the phone. And I texted him thanks again for suffering through that phone call with me, you are a noble man with a teasing smiley face. He responds you’re welcome with a smiley face and then a gif of someone like shaking their head sighing.

Then he sends me a long text saying “just so you know I am very grateful for your friendship if it wasn’t for you I would be in a very rough place with this job, truthfully I’m not sure what it would have looked like or if I could have done any of this without you so there, ty for being the friend I never deserved but always wanted”. We talk all the time and I keep him company with texts/calls while he is on the road. So now I feel like he just appreciates me because I make handling his job easier? That makes me feel super crummy and like I’m nothing more to him than a road trip friend. I thought he wanted to talk to me and enjoyed talking to me. Maybe I’m taking it all wrong and this is when I say I want clarity. But I’m scared. As far as he is concerned this is status quo you know?

We don't talk about our dating lives..maybe he has a g/f, trying different dating apps? He has previously said he ruins important relationships so I think he'd an avoidant. He must know how I feel so maybe he's protecting me? But why start out romantic and now be like this?

[MCsquared]

Yesterday we were texting and I sent him a selfie, he didn't comment but sent me a selfie of him. I said oh you clean up nice..and those blue eyes don't hurt.

He replied ohhhh...ty.

I'm the past he might have said how beautiful I am or pretty etc. Just all seems weird. Why send one back to me if we aren't being flirty?

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, MCsquared said:

We started talking on a dating app so obviously we were both looking for a romantic connection.

To clarify, have you been on dates with him? 

[Coily]

1: Just ask him point black if he wants to go on a date, a real romantic date, not a hang out.

2: If you two have only spoken on the phone/texted he is probably unsure where you stand too.

Having spent a lot of time traveling for work in my past, it can play with your mind a bit; and can leave things seeming open ended to the person on the other end; as one often crams a lot into conversations. At the risk of not really getting feedback.

Have the conversation, see what happens and decide from there.

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, MCsquared said:

At some point things became more of a friendship, more on his part pulling back on the romantic flirty-ness. But he says he values our friendship and I’m a friend that he’s always wanted..

3 hours ago, MCsquared said:

Feel like I am giving him the girlfriend treatment of caring about him so much..

I am wondering if these^ two things are related?  

When did you start giving him the "girlfriend" treatment? 

I ask because it's possible he felt an interernal pressure due to your expectations and thus thought it best to be friends.

I do not think you should have this conversation; it's clear (at least to me) from his own words that right now he sees you as a friend and if you try to pin him down for something more definitive, he may feel even more pressure and you're correct you'd lose him as a friend or whatever may possibly happen down the road.

Can you try to relax with it for a while and simply enjoy the journey?

Without needing an exact destination?  Right now? 

Have you even been on a date? 

No one knows what could happen down the road, slow down!  

Relax and enjoy!  Let it take you wherever it's meant to take you.

But for right now, given the fact I'm assuming you have never even met, best to stop giving him the "girlfriend" treatment, and allow things to take their natural course. 

Stop pushing. 🙂

[Batya33]

Have you met him? Ask yourself if you are really interested in putting in the effort to date someone - typing and talking to a stranger isn't dating especially one who has told you he doesn't want to meet to see if you two should date.  Chatting to strangers on dating app has nothing to do with dating and wastes precious time  you could be using to meet people through a dating app who want to meet you to see if  you two should date in the future. Also to me you're coming across as a bit desperate.

[MCsquared]

Thanks for the input. We haven't met but I recently asked him if he still wants to meet and he said yes, he also makes jokes when he responds so it feels like I don't get a definitive answer. He says like yeah it's been 13 yrs we should probably meet...meaning like yeah we've been talking a long time at some point we should meet. It been about 4 months now. 

This is where my hesitation comes in, should I be content with those answers and that he does continue to make time to talk and connect and see where it goes? Or make my stance on what I want more clear?

Like on Friday he was flying all day, his flight landed at 3 pm and he calls me 30 mins after he lands..calling me troublemaker affectionately and telling me I should be happy because he made it safe and sound <I always respond with that when he tells me he lands>. Would I be the first person he wants to talk to if I didn't mean anything to him?

 

 

[MCsquared]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Have you met him? Ask yourself if you are really interested in putting in the effort to date someone - typing and talking to a stranger isn't dating especially one who has told you he doesn't want to meet to see if you two should date.  Chatting to strangers on dating app has nothing to do with dating and wastes precious time  you could be using to meet people through a dating app who want to meet you to see if  you two should date in the future. Also to me you're coming across as a bit desperate.

How so?

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, MCsquared said:

Thanks for the input. We haven't met but I recently asked him if he still wants to meet and he said yes, he also makes jokes when he responds so it feels like I don't get a definitive answer. He says like yeah it's been 13 yrs we should probably meet...meaning like yeah we've been talking a long time at some point we should meet. It been about 4 months now. 

This is where my hesitation comes in, should I be content with those answers and that he does continue to make time to talk and connect and see where it goes? Or make my stance on what I want more clear?

Like on Friday he was flying all day, his flight landed at 3 pm and he calls me 30 mins after he lands..calling me troublemaker affectionately and telling me I should be happy because he made it safe and sound <I always respond with that when he tells me he lands>. Would I be the first person he wants to talk to if I didn't mean anything to him?

 

 

Here's how I operated on dating sites which I was on to meet people in person ASAP.  I exchanged one or two messages.  Then we had a phone call -for me as a safety screening plus to see if I thought we could have a good conversation in person for about an hour. If he didn't suggest a first meet I did. If he said no I ended contact.  If he wouldn't make a specific plan it had to be for a good reason like vacation, illlness, work trip.  We made a plan to meet in person to see if we should go on a real date in the future.  I let the man ask me out

I met over 100 people in person.  I didn't want to date "online" (because that is not dating) and I had enough friends.  I strongly suggest since you seem to get attached to strangers through typing and talking that you take this approach if you actually want to date people.  I'm not so sure you do.

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

13 minutes ago, MCsquared said:

We haven't met but I recently asked him if he still wants to meet and he said yes, he also makes jokes when he responds so it feels like I don't get a definitive answer.

Again I ask (see previous post) why do you need a "definitive" answer?  Girl you've never even met the guy.

No doubt he can sense your expectations and as such feels pressured which anyone would. 

And yes it does make you sound completely desperate, I'm surprised you can't see it.

Please relax and stop pushing for a definitive answer, goodness gracious.

At least meet the man first, have a few dates, YOU may decide after meeting him HE isn't what you want! 

I do now believe your expectations and desperation in this regard are very much related to why he pulled back and only wants friendship.

 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, MCsquared said:

How so?

He knows you're into him- into potentially meeting and dating him, he's told you he is not and yet you're spending all this time chatting and sending photos to try to get him to want to meet and date you.  He is likely flattered and likely wondering why you are settling for scraps.  Cyber-scraps.

I have several online friends some of which I've met in person-only one was originally from a dating site and that was because I realized I couldn't do long distance.  We stayed in touch as friends and met -after I was married!

[SophiaG]

3 hours ago, MCsquared said:

when I asked him why he said its just bad news or he could say that he met his person, that person being me.

What does this mean? He said meeting you as "his person" and it's "bad news"???

 

Have you met this person at all? Are you going on dates? If you never met in person I wouldn't take him seriously. If you are spending time offline, ask him out and specify it will be a date.

[MCsquared]

22 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

What does this mean? He said meeting you as "his person" and it's "bad news"?

No that the apps are bad news...and then he said or I could say that I met my person, that person being you.

I didn't think I was coming off as desperate...just interacting with someone I want a relationship with and wanted to keep guiding it forward to the next steps. I guess I want clarity on what exactly this is or isn't. I should just take it as friendship and nothing more?

[SophiaG]

Sorry I commented too early before seeing your other responses.

2 hours ago, MCsquared said:

ty for being the friend I never deserved but always wanted

Sounds like you are friendzoned. You two also don't seem to align in the ways you joke/tease - I don't see any need to feel bad if he plays along with a joke YOU INITIATED about him "suffering through" talking to you, or that talking to you helps him with long trip/drive. I hate to play the armchair psychologist but I wonder if you feel confident that talking/spending time with you is a privilege that anyone should enjoy and appreciate, especially if they called for it?

32 minutes ago, MCsquared said:

He says like yeah it's been 13 yrs we should probably meet...meaning like yeah we've been talking a long time at some point we should meet. It been about 4 months now.

Oh gosh. 4 months in this limbo? 4 weeks will be too much. I'm not as strict as Batya33 but typically I won't give a guy more than a week to ask me out after we match unless I really, really like their profile, and even then it won't be much longer. And for god's sake, "we should probably meet"? That's about as non-committal, unenthusiastic as I can think of. You've given this dude way too much of your time and attention IMO.

38 minutes ago, MCsquared said:

should I be content with those answers and that he does continue to make time to talk and connect and see where it goes?

Not at all. It's already eating at you and clearly you are not content (nor should you be!) He might have low value for his time as he has nothing better to do. You should value your time better than pointlessly entertaining him.

40 minutes ago, MCsquared said:

Would I be the first person he wants to talk to if I didn't mean anything to him?

Again, why not? He flies a lot. Maybe he just doesn't have that many friends/family/wannabe girlfriends who care enough to want to know if he landed or not?

32 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Again I ask (see previous post) why do you need a "definitive" answer?

Respectfully disagree. She asks a clear question - do you still want to meet? He can just answer yes or no but instead he's joking around it and deflecting. He's wasting her time, as he has been for 4 months now. Time is precious!

[MCsquared]

So how should I proceed? I feel kind of stupid now like I've done something to self sabotage this. 

Just hang back and see what he does?

[rainbowsandroses]

5 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

Respectfully disagree. She asks a clear question - do you still want to meet? He can just answer yes or no but instead he's joking around it and deflecting. He's wasting her time, as he has been for 4 months now. Time is precious!

^^Fair enough. 

OP also posted she acts like a "girlfriend" giving him "girlfriend treatment" and wanted a definitive answer as to where things were going and if their talking would ever lead to a relationship.

I was just posting my opinion as to why he might have felt pressured by that and pulled back to only wanting friends.

They have never even met, it all sounds too intense.

Jmo we can agree to disagree.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 minutes ago, MCsquared said:

So how should I proceed? I feel kind of stupid now like I've done something to self sabotage this. 

Just hang back and see what he does?

If me? 

I would relax, enjoy the journey and not worry so much about the destination at least until you've met, dated and have mutually established feelings for each other. 

In truth I don't ever worry much about the destination and have been in several LTRs and one marriage with the men typically asking/pushing for more..

[SophiaG]

10 minutes ago, MCsquared said:

So how should I proceed? I feel kind of stupid now like I've done something to self sabotage this. 

Just hang back and see what he does?

You did not sabotage anything. If anything I'd say you should have asked the questions you are asking now, way earlier into this "whatevership" than right now.

As for him I think he's shown you enough for you to make a decision. Personally I don't think there can be any meaningful/lasting relationship or friendship coming out of this and I'd be dating other people. I might continue talking to him if I'm bored and he's entertaining, but won't invest any more time than I would an online friend/acquaintance. If he gets annoying or the interaction stresses me out, I'll stop talking to him.

[SophiaG]

13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

wanted a definitive answer as to where things were going

That's a fair question to ask at at point in any situation IMO. People need to know what they need to know in order to properly proceed. Wanting an answer is not the same as wanting to force someone into a relationship - "I dunno" is an answer too and even that can give OP more information than she has now.

I would not worry about the other person feeling "pressured" and wanting to back out if a relationship was previously on the table. If a simple question like that makes them want to bail, then they are no good for you either way!

 

[MissCanuck]

Has he ever come right out and asked you to meet, OP?

How far apart do you two live? 

[rainbowsandroses]

@MCsquaredhow long have you been talking?  If already posted, apologized, I missed it. 

I was under the impression it had not been very long however if it's been months, then agree may be a waste of your time.