dumper ex refuses to be friends after NC, wanted it right after the breakup

[SophiaG]

11 hours ago, fuzzy said:

i was starting to do better after no contact, but when he unblocked me only 49 days after he blocked me.. i started to overthink it  and wait for him to reach out, it was torture. i waited one whole month and nothing from him.. so i had to reach out because i just couldnt keep wondering why did he unblock me. now i regret it... i should have never reached out, and i should have said "sorry for bothering you, bye" and deleted him when he was so cold in replying to me, but i kept talking to him..

I know how painful it can be, trust me I know. A lot of us have had those experiences.

How did you know he unblocked me, if you don't mind me asking?

After my most recent breakup, I was determined to not reach out or take him back again (we'd been on and off for a few years). But I missed him terribly. It's a habit. Even though I wanted the breakup I still very much felt the pain. I couldn't help but log into the chatting app that both of us used only to talk with each other daily. I saw him online there all the time and I knew he was also thinking of me. It's comforting to just see him there, almost as if we were still talking and still together. See, it's a natural instinct - like your body is producing all the signals to push you to reach out, to check on him, to get closer to him because it can't deal with the pain. It wants that familiar comfort, the cozy, safe feeling of being with him no matter what consequences there might be. But YOU are stronger than that. Again, don't seek comfort from the person who caused the hurt.

I kept logging into the app daily for a month or so. Then I forced myself to check it less often. Then I deleted the app.

Easy to say now that it's been a couple of years and I've found love again. But at the time? It took all my mental resolve to do so. With quite a few setbacks. 

All that just to say I can relate to what you're feeling now. And to an extent what he might be feeling. Even as the dumper he might as well be in a ton of pain. Not that it excuses his insults to you. But he could have unblocked you in a weak moment when he gave in to the urge to talk to you again. Then he might have checked himself and decided not to reach out. Or he could be testing if you'd talk to him and repeat your previous behavior that "pushed him away" and help him make up his mind to stay away. He could be as conflicted as you are. But as you've learned the best way to move on is to stay no contact and stop checking on him. It will take time. And that's fine. Block him if it helps.

Good luck and keep us updated!

 

 

[Jaunty]

On 9/13/2024 at 6:32 AM, fuzzy said:

 he was the one who wanted me to stay a friend back when we first broke up, and he wanted it a lot. now its been almost 3 months after the break up and i reached out to him and asked if we could be friends and he firmly refused etc of what i said in the post.

Well, he moved on. That's what people do.  And it's time for you to do it too.

Remember that people are allowed to change our minds.  So if he thought he wanted to be "friends" with somebody he dumped, evidently he thought better of this.  Wise move on his part, in my opinion.   You can't hold him to what he said months ago.   Those days are over.

Realistically, this type of situation (an intense online connection) almost never really leads to a "real" relationship of any kind including friendship.   It peters out eventually.

[rainbowsandroses]

14 hours ago, fuzzy said:

it was more like he was frustrated and hurt, blaming me for what happened. 

^^Bolded, I agree and pretty much what my post stated.  

Hurt?  That's a stretch, and not saying that to be hurtful to you.  

I'm just trying to be real with you fuzzy on the off chance you might learn something from this experience.

When someone breaks up with you, no matter how hurt you are, best to respect their decision and take steps to move on yourself.

All the best. 

 

 

[lostandhurt]

20 hours ago, fuzzy said:

i don't see " idiot" as a big deal. its something i need to work on.

I think you nailed it right here.

A man dying of thirst comes upon a muddy puddle in the desert and drinks his fill thinking "this is the best water I have ever had in my life"

 You have been conditioned to believe this is normal.  There is nothing normal or okay about any of the treatment you have endured.

Please focus on what a healthy relationship should be like.  Get help, join a support group, spend time with people that are in healthy relationships so you can experience what it should be and feel like.

  Your ex is an abusive jerk plain and simple.

Do you want an abusive jerk as a friend?

Lost

[ShySoul]

On 9/13/2024 at 10:28 PM, fuzzy said:

why accepted my friend request when he can go back to blocking me or rejecting it in the first place without having to talk to me. maybe he needed to make it final for his own sake idk. 

its been 3 months already,  and usually i am in a better place after 3 months almost over a breakup.. but with this one i feel like i am back to square 1

You can spend a lifetime trying to figure out why. It won't change the situation. People do what they do for their own reason, based on their own internal feelings and logic. If what they do is only causing you pain, then the best thing for you is to remove yourself from them entirely. 

Breakups are all unique. It depends on the people and the strength of connection. Sometimes you are fine and barely feel it. Other times you are a mess for months and months. And it's all normal and natural. The heart heals at its own pace. You must go through your own process, however long that takes. Keep focused on doing positive things for yourself, pushing your forward and doing what makes you happy. In time it gets better.

And three months isn't all that long in the scheme of things. I've taken six before I really felt better, and that wasn't even something "official" (long story). 

On 9/13/2024 at 10:52 PM, fuzzy said:

people commented if we were to meet we would have done it by now, i wish it was that easy, but real stuff get in the way sometimes, and this is not an excuse. and like i just said we were going to meet eventually. 

honestly i dont think its fair to say he isn't a good person just because he called me an idiot. everyone has flaws. i have them too. 

You are right. It's not always that easy. Every situation is different. Life throws us curve balls and some things are out of our control. Which is why online dating and relationships are real and valid. You had plans to meet in person, but didn't have a chance to. And in a way, it might have been for the best you didn't. 

People are also a mixed bag. Someone can still be a good person while being terribly flawed in some areas and not a good fit for you. I am sure he was a good person, otherwise you wouldn't have been attracted to him in the first place. Unfortunately those flaws outweighed the good. So while you can still remember the good parts of him, please don't let it cloud your opinion and lead you ignore other parts of him. Ultimately, he shouldn't have said the things he said and that means he is not the right person for you.

On 9/13/2024 at 11:54 PM, fuzzy said:

my previous irl relationship was x100 more abusive and I've been called way worse than an idiot. maybe thats why i don't see " idiot" as a big deal. its something i need to work on.

Sorry you've had such terrible luck with men. Please know the real idiots here are the men who would treat you so poorly. You deserve better. And there are men who would love and respect you, who would never think to do anything abusive or call you any name that wasn't sweet and romantic. Don't lose hope that those men are out there.

On 9/14/2024 at 11:25 AM, Jaunty said:

Realistically, this type of situation (an intense online connection) almost never really leads to a "real" relationship of any kind including friendship.   It peters out eventually.

Sometimes it leads to a 23 year relationship/marriage. Sometimes it leads to a 19 year best friendship. Some peter out and go nowhere, others remain deeper then any connection a person has made with someone in person. You never know.