dumper ex refuses to be friends after NC, wanted it right after the breakup

[fuzzy]

43 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

The dating changed the dynamic & you need a long step back.  You need to be fully apart for at least as long as you dated.  Maybe in 5 1- 10 years you can resume a friendship, but why would you want to at that point? 

You cannot go straight from break up to friends.  It never works.  There are too many hurt feelings. 

like i said i couldn't stay a friend when he first broke up with me. i mean i stayed but i couldnt hid how hurt i was and i was talking about it for the next whole week post breakup which resulted in him blocking and ghosting me, we didnt talk ever since until few days ago.  he was the one who wanted me to stay a friend back when we first broke up, and he wanted it a lot. now its been almost 3 months after the break up and i reached out to him and asked if we could be friends and he firmly refused etc of what i said in the post.

[lostandhurt]

This was NOT a real relationship no matter how much you wanted it to be.  It was make believe since you never met him, spent time in person with him and actually touched this person.

 There are people out there that create fake online personas with fake family and friends just to manipulate people and even take advantage of them.  We have seen your situation on this forum many times where the "relationship" seemed real but like yours was not real because they had never met and in some cases never even spoke on the phone.  Most of the time the relationship ends after there is a request for money, nude pics or video that is refused.

 Did he ask you for money, pics or video?  This is a simple question so don't ignore it.

Lost

[fuzzy]

40 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

This was NOT a real relationship no matter how much you wanted it to be.  It was make believe since you never met him, spent time in person with him and actually touched this person.

 There are people out there that create fake online personas with fake family and friends just to manipulate people and even take advantage of them.  We have seen your situation on this forum many times where the "relationship" seemed real but like yours was not real because they had never met and in some cases never even spoke on the phone.  Most of the time the relationship ends after there is a request for money, nude pics or video that is refused.

 Did he ask you for money, pics or video?  This is a simple question so don't ignore it.

Lost

i know all their socials, his family and friends. he did not ask for money neither did i. and ofc we saw each others pics. we were planning on meeting in real. and there are reasons for the breakup, it wasnt because of any of the ones you mentioned 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, fuzzy said:

i know all their socials, his family and friends. he did not ask for money neither did i. and ofc we saw each others pics. we were planning on meeting in real. and there are reasons for the breakup, it wasnt because of any of the ones you mentioned 

Knew in person? No. So you don't really know.  Did you ever do a background check? Why didn't you meet in all this  time to see if you should date?

[SophiaG]

What were the reasons for the breakup?

[fuzzy]

5 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

What were the reasons for the breakup?

I rather not to share them here.

and i am not here to get lectured about online dating. it happened, feelings were real. ive known him for years. and there were plans to meet irl.  but things happen. and not everyone online is a fraud. most of them are yes, but there are still good people too

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, fuzzy said:

I rather not to share them here.

and i am not here to get lectured about online dating. it happened, feelings were real. ive known him for years. and there were plans to meet irl.  but things happen. and not everyone online is a fraud. most of them are yes, but there are still good people too

There is no such thing as online dating.  You can have very real feelings for someone online.  He may not be a fraud but you and he were not dating or in a romantic relationship.  Because those require in person stuff.  He might be totally above board but for romantic and safety purposes he is a stranger. I have several close online friends.  I had penpals starting at age 12 in the 1970s. Real friends, real feelings.  Dating and romantic relationships are done in person though.  If you two had both wanted to date in person you would have made it happen by now.

[SophiaG]

43 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

There is no such thing as online dating.

Haha.. I think online dating is very real nowadays but it usually refers to meeting people via dating apps 😄

[fuzzy]

 people who are against online dating, i get it, i really do, its your opinion and its your right to think whatever you want. but can you please stop... i am in REAL pain here and the last thing i need is anyone criticizing it.

 

 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, fuzzy said:

there are still good people too

This guy isn't one of them, though. 

The fact that he has been verbally abusive to you is your clue. 

1 hour ago, fuzzy said:

 people who are against online dating, i get it, i really do, its your opinion and its your right to think whatever you want.

With respect, it's important that you don't get wrapped up in online situations like this in the future. The reason is simple: there is only so much you can about a person when you have never met. Perhaps if you'd met this particular guy, you might have seen the red flags earlier on and avoided getting too attached.

I hope you feel better soon, and have close friends and family to support you. 

[Capricorn3]

Clearly there was a good reason for the breakup.  When anyone blocks you that's a very clear message saying "I'm done with you. I want nothing to do with you."  Why on earth would you even want to be friends with someone who gives you such a message in the first place?  Surely there are more single people around where you live to have a friendship with?  (Trying to understand).

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, fuzzy said:

 people who are against online dating, i get it, i really do, its your opinion and its your right to think whatever you want. but can you please stop... i am in REAL pain here and the last thing i need is anyone criticizing it.

 

 

I am not against online dating.  At all.  I simply do not believe that two people who have never met are dating.  I used online dating sites to meet people in person over a 5 year period and met over 100 men in person and had short term relationships with a couple.  I never dated any of them online, before meeting.  

I am not criticizing you and I said obviously you have real feelings for this person.  But telling yourself you two were in a dating or romantic relationship will make your pain worse and it's simply not true.  Rather to move on tell yourself this was a person you developed feelings for and got attached to before meeting and thank goodness you never got involved with him romantically in person because he is not a good person.  You are telling yourself you were in a romantic dating relationship with him and that just makes it worse and harder to get over.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, SophiaG said:

Haha.. I think online dating is very real nowadays but it usually refers to meeting people via dating apps 😄

Yes as I wrote -online dating sites are for people who want to meet in person and potentially date.  I used them for years as did many of my friends. But we never "dated" online because there's no such thing. Dating is an in person interaction between two people. Just like two people cannot hug or kiss or shake hands online no matter how they claim they can.  

[rainbowsandroses]

@fuzzyI'm truly sorry you're hurting; your feelings are 100% valid. 

That said, moving forward, when a man breaks up with you, whether it was an online interaction or real life relationship, even when he states he still wants to be friends, please respect that and refrain from burdening him with how hurt you, how you can't move on etc etc, it only serves to push him further away which is what happened here and why he ghosted and blocked you, imo.

Even after he asked you to stop, you continued and then, after he blocked you, you continued burdening him by contacting him from another device!

This is a form of harassment fuzzy and yes he got angry and called you an idiot which wasn't kind but from your post it sounded like he was at his wit's end. 

Not justifying it, it was wrong and hurtful. I'm just explaining what may have caused him to lose control like that. 

Being harassed can do that to a person, I've experienced harassment like that myself, it's quite unnerving to say the least! 

That said, you posted he has called you hurtful names in the past too, I don't know the context but in any event this "online interaction/relationship" sounds unhealthy and toxic on both sides (it takes two after all in most cases) and for your own mental health and well being, please take steps to extricate him from your consciousness and life and move on from it.

Whether it was "real" or not is not the issue, to YOU it felt real and I respect that.

Nevertheless, it just wasn't good or healthy for you. I'm not sure how much experience you have, but this it not how a relationship works. 

I wish you the best moving forward, please take care of yourself.

[ShySoul]

Fuzzy, I'm sorry you are hurting. Breaking up with someone is painful. Having them seemingly turn on you and be critical of you is painful. And sometimes comments on your relationship and what you should have done or should be doing, while well intentioned, can be just as painful.

There is such a thing as online dating. There are relationships that last for a long time and the people never meet in person. These relationships are equally valid and meaningful, the emotions and feelings just as real. You're right, not everyone online is a fraud, there are great people. I've certainly met people I came to love online. And I once knew an online only relationship on this very site. They definitely loved each other. All that matters in that area is that the two of you felt it was a relationship, that there were feelings. If the two of you felt it, it was real.

Neither side is in the right here. Neither side is in the wrong. I see two damaged people each caught up in their own pain and taking it out on the other. And that's not healthy for either of you.

You were hurting from the breakup. That's understandable. You needed to deal with it, to express yourself. And that was fine. But in saying all that to him, you made him feel worse. He was going through the same pain you were over it not working out. All that pain was too much for him. So he had to back off.

He then made a mistake in opening things back up when he wasn't ready. He had no right to take his anger and hurt out on you that way, to say the things he did. If he was still feeling that way, would have been to not say anything at all then to send you spiraling with such hateful comments.

I think he does wish you well and wish things had been different. But whatever happened has him to upset to be able to deal with it. Never say never. Anything is possible in the future. But for now, you need to respect his wishes and not seek him out. He needs to heal on his own, as do you. 

I also think if he yelled at you in the past, that he probably wasn't mature enough for a real relationship.

Sometimes our hearts form a bond between people that they aren't ready for. I am sure you both loved and cared for each other deeply. I know how it feels to be torn up over a breakup and not be able to think of anything else. I know how badly you just want to talk to them again, to go over it and want to make it right. But sometimes time and space are the only things that work. Both sides need to be willing to talk calm and rational. Neither of you are at that point. I am you can get there some day and come to peace with each other, but that day is not going to be today or anytime soon. I'm sorry.

 

[lostandhurt]

At best this was an online romance that never went beyond that after all this time. There is no doubt your feelings were real or you would not feel hurt but you need to start accepting what this really was, the demise of it and now the pain and hurt that comes with it.

 Can you accept that it is truly over and he does not want to speak to you ever again?

Can you accept that he mistreated you and was verbally abusive to you?

  The connection you had with him is now gone and you feel lonely and hurt so you are willing to accept any bread crumb he might throw your way just so you can feel wanted.  This is not a good place to be as it will just keep you sitting still instead of healing.  If you are just waiting for him to let you back into his life how can you heal?  How can you move on?

 What ever you call it Romance, Friendship or Relationship it is over for him and seems he is going total NC so he can heal and move on.  I think it is time you do the same or this pain will hang around a very long time.

Lost

[fuzzy]

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Fuzzy, I'm sorry you are hurting. Breaking up with someone is painful. Having them seemingly turn on you and be critical of you is painful. And sometimes comments on your relationship and what you should have done or should be doing, while well intentioned, can be just as painful.

There is such a thing as online dating. There are relationships that last for a long time and the people never meet in person. These relationships are equally valid and meaningful, the emotions and feelings just as real. You're right, not everyone online is a fraud, there are great people. I've certainly met people I came to love online. And I once knew an online only relationship on this very site. They definitely loved each other. All that matters in that area is that the two of you felt it was a relationship, that there were feelings. If the two of you felt it, it was real.

Neither side is in the right here. Neither side is in the wrong. I see two damaged people each caught up in their own pain and taking it out on the other. And that's not healthy for either of you.

You were hurting from the breakup. That's understandable. You needed to deal with it, to express yourself. And that was fine. But in saying all that to him, you made him feel worse. He was going through the same pain you were over it not working out. All that pain was too much for him. So he had to back off.

He then made a mistake in opening things back up when he wasn't ready. He had no right to take his anger and hurt out on you that way, to say the things he did. If he was still feeling that way, would have been to not say anything at all then to send you spiraling with such hateful comments.

I think he does wish you well and wish things had been different. But whatever happened has him to upset to be able to deal with it. Never say never. Anything is possible in the future. But for now, you need to respect his wishes and not seek him out. He needs to heal on his own, as do you. 

I also think if he yelled at you in the past, that he probably wasn't mature enough for a real relationship.

Sometimes our hearts form a bond between people that they aren't ready for. I am sure you both loved and cared for each other deeply. I know how it feels to be torn up over a breakup and not be able to think of anything else. I know how badly you just want to talk to them again, to go over it and want to make it right. But sometimes time and space are the only things that work. Both sides need to be willing to talk calm and rational. Neither of you are at that point. I am you can get there some day and come to peace with each other, but that day is not going to be today or anytime soon. I'm sorry.

 

thank you

it was too much for me to see how cold he was after the breakup, and asking me to act like a friend wasn't realistic, how was i supposed to act like nothing was wrong and be a "friend" with him right away..

i should have taken space but i couldnt do that either.

i was starting to do better after no contact, but when he unblocked me only 49 days after he blocked me.. i started to overthink it  and wait for him to reach out, it was torture. i waited one whole month and nothing from him.. so i had to reach out because i just couldnt keep wondering why did he unblock me. now i regret it... i should have never reached out, and i should have said "sorry for bothering you, bye" and deleted him when he was so cold in replying to me, but i kept talking to him..
he accepted the request and immediately typed "what do you want?" i asked him how he was and he replied "none of your business". if he wasnt ready why did he unblock me? he said he doesnt like having blocked accounts on any platform but i am still blocked on other platforms.  why accepted my friend request when he can go back to blocking me or rejecting it in the first place without having to talk to me. maybe he needed to make it final for his own sake idk. 

its been 3 months already,  and usually i am in a better place after 3 months almost over a breakup.. but with this one i feel like i am back to square 1

 

[fuzzy]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

At best this was an online romance that never went beyond that after all this time. There is no doubt your feelings were real or you would not feel hurt but you need to start accepting what this really was, the demise of it and now the pain and hurt that comes with it.

 Can you accept that it is truly over and he does not want to speak to you ever again?

Can you accept that he mistreated you and was verbally abusive to you?

  The connection you had with him is now gone and you feel lonely and hurt so you are willing to accept any bread crumb he might throw your way just so you can feel wanted.  This is not a good place to be as it will just keep you sitting still instead of healing.  If you are just waiting for him to let you back into his life how can you heal?  How can you move on?

 What ever you call it Romance, Friendship or Relationship it is over for him and seems he is going total NC so he can heal and move on.  I think it is time you do the same or this pain will hang around a very long time.

Lost

3 months post breakup and i still feel like its day 1 so i agree waiting for him is prolonging my suffering and idk how to stop waiting for him.. idk why i am still hopping he'd eventually change his mind and i know its not good for me holding onto that hope

[fuzzy]

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@fuzzyI'm truly sorry you're hurting; your feelings are 100% valid. 

That said, moving forward, when a man breaks up with you, whether it was an online interaction or real life relationship, even when he states he still wants to be friends, please respect that and refrain from burdening him with how hurt you, how you can't move on etc etc, it only serves to push him further away which is what happened here and why he ghosted and blocked you, imo.

Even after he asked you to stop, you continued and then, after he blocked you, you continued burdening him by contacting him from another device!

This is a form of harassment fuzzy and yes he got angry and called you an idiot which wasn't kind but from your post it sounded like he was at his wit's end. 

Not justifying it, it was wrong and hurtful. I'm just explaining what may have caused him to lose control like that. 

Being harassed can do that to a person, I've experienced harassment like that myself, it's quite unnerving to say the least! 

That said, you posted he has called you hurtful names in the past too, I don't know the context but in any event this "online interaction/relationship" sounds unhealthy and toxic on both sides (it takes two after all in most cases) and for your own mental health and well being, please take steps to extricate him from your consciousness and life and move on from it.

Whether it was "real" or not is not the issue, to YOU it felt real and I respect that.

Nevertheless, it just wasn't good or healthy for you. I'm not sure how much experience you have, but this it not how a relationship works. 

I wish you the best moving forward, please take care of yourself.

he called me a stupid idiot after listing what i did wrong in the relationship, then said "why did you go to such extremes to push me away you stupid f idiot" .. it wasnt because i reached out to him, it was more like he was frustrated and hurt, blaming me for what happened. 

[fuzzy]

6 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

Clearly there was a good reason for the breakup.  When anyone blocks you that's a very clear message saying "I'm done with you. I want nothing to do with you."  Why on earth would you even want to be friends with someone who gives you such a message in the first place?  Surely there are more single people around where you live to have a friendship with?  (Trying to understand).

because we have history. ive known him since a long time. and i stopped reaching out to him when he blocked me. but when he unblocked me i thought that was an open door. i have friends where i live yes.

[fuzzy]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I am not against online dating.  At all.  I simply do not believe that two people who have never met are dating.  I used online dating sites to meet people in person over a 5 year period and met over 100 men in person and had short term relationships with a couple.  I never dated any of them online, before meeting.  

I am not criticizing you and I said obviously you have real feelings for this person.  But telling yourself you two were in a dating or romantic relationship will make your pain worse and it's simply not true.  Rather to move on tell yourself this was a person you developed feelings for and got attached to before meeting and thank goodness you never got involved with him romantically in person because he is not a good person.  You are telling yourself you were in a romantic dating relationship with him and that just makes it worse and harder to get over.

i understand. and i meant criticizing online relationships not me.

we were going to meet in real eventually. i wouldn't want to stay in an online relationship forever, there is no point in it. i ultimately want to be able to physically be with the person i love and share real life experiences with him not just stay online. if the thing was to stay online and never meet in real then i will be the first to check out of that relationship.

people commented if we were to meet we would have done it by now, i wish it was that easy, but real stuff get in the way sometimes, and this is not an excuse. and like i just said we were going to meet eventually. 

honestly i dont think its fair to say he isn't a good person just because he called me an idiot. everyone has flaws. i have them too. 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

You have very low standards, girl. 

Stop making excuses for his awful behaviour. That's not a "flaw" like we all have. It just isn't. 

Have your previous relationships been toxic like this? I am wondering why you accept such poor treatment. 

[fuzzy]

23 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You have very low standards, girl. 

Stop making excuses for his awful behaviour. That's not a "flaw" like we all have. It just isn't. 

Have your previous relationships been toxic like this? I am wondering why you accept such poor treatment. 

my previous irl relationship was x100 more abusive and I've been called way worse than an idiot. maybe thats why i don't see " idiot" as a big deal. its something i need to work on.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, fuzzy said:

my previous irl relationship was x100 more abusive and I've been called way worse than an idiot. maybe thats why i don't see " idiot" as a big deal. its something i need to work on.

I wondered this. 

I am sorry this has been your experience. You deserve way better than any of these tools, including this most recent guy. 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, fuzzy said:

i understand. and i meant criticizing online relationships not me.

we were going to meet in real eventually. i wouldn't want to stay in an online relationship forever, there is no point in it. i ultimately want to be able to physically be with the person i love and share real life experiences with him not just stay online. if the thing was to stay online and never meet in real then i will be the first to check out of that relationship.

people commented if we were to meet we would have done it by now, i wish it was that easy, but real stuff get in the way sometimes, and this is not an excuse. and like i just said we were going to meet eventually. 

honestly i dont think its fair to say he isn't a good person just because he called me an idiot. everyone has flaws. i have them too. 

 

 

I have online relationships for many years - often they are very close friends.  None of them ever involved dating because dating cannot be done online.  Many now and in the past involve real and very strong feelings.  I wrote that I respect that obviously you have strong feelings for this person and obviously it's going to hurt when the online friendship ends. I've been hurt that way.- believe me I feel for you because I've been hurt by online friends by ghosting, discovering a lie, having a falling out -blindsided.

  To me there is no romantic or dating relationship until you meet in person and even then it's just a first meet with a stranger -and he is for all safety purposes because in person means you have to take all precautions as if you never met him before IMO.  Especially for women. Also for men!

If you can't meet a person ASAP in person my strong advice to you -because you get attached in a really intense way obviously - do not stay in contact unless you accept 100% it's an online friend only.  No romance, no potential for romance in person ever.  Others might have fun sexting or sharing romantic feelings with online people but obviously you then risk all of this pain and my suggestion is do not take that risk again.

Stuff happens in all interactions -it's up to us to prioritize the stuff and if two people aren't prioritizing meeting in person that likely means they don't want to badly enough -often it's safer to express strong feelings behind a screen, or one person can lie to themselves and not admit they actually don't want to date this person badly enough.  I had to be in a long distance relationship with an ex fiancee, agree to relocate for his career when I never had relocated before, be comfortable with being an unemployed SAHM -unemployed for the first time in close to 20 years give or take - so talk about "stuff" and we had to get past the fear that if we tried again it might not work -again.

My mother was engaged for 4 years long distance to my dad in the 1950s -they saw each other once a month and spoke once a week while he was finishing his studies - imagine that Stuff. But people surpass all sorts of obstacles when they want to be together.  If I were you -a person who gets attached to this extent through typing and talking -I'd put my energy into surpassing obstacles with a person you are dating.  Not a person  you are typing and talking to longer than a week or so with no specific plans time and place to meet in person ASAP. 

Given your perspective you are at high risk of becoming jaded and bitter about "men".  One of the only reasons I finally found the right person was that after 24 years of on and off dating and several relationships I would  feel jaded -very temporarily after a bad first meet, a bad breakup etc - jaded in general. That way I was able to try again and  treat each man as an individual without the immense baggage I would have had had I done what  you did too many times. JMHO.