dumper ex refuses to be friends after NC, wanted it right after the breakup

[fuzzy]

we broke up 82 days ago, and he wanted to stay friends so much right after the break up, i stayed and couldn’t stop talking about how hurt i am (for a whole week) and he told me to stop many times because he is hurting to and cant carry my hurt and his.. so he ended up blocking me while i was talking about it. and ghosted me. i tried reaching out to him after a week using a new acc and he blocked it, so i went no contact .. 49 days after no contact (last month) he unblocked me on discord but did not reach out. i did not either.
2 days ago I sent him a friend request and he accepted it and started the conversation with “what do you want” and he was so mean. and he refused to be friends with me saying “because you destroyed something that could’ve been great”.. later in the conversation he started listing all the perceived injustices and accusations, and said “why did you have to go to such extremes to push me away you stupid fu.*** idiot”.

i told him i was working on myself and he was like “im happy to hear that, hope it works for you”
we chatted for like 2 hours. he was mostly cold. 
he refused to be a friend and said a goodbye message, last lines were “dont stop working on yourself.. i am sorry i wasnt more patient with you, i wish i knew you on a deeper lever before we got serious, maybe then we could have lasted.” followed with a gif of a guy kissing a girl’s forehead. i refused to say goodbye and i kept asking him to please stay as a friend.. he removed me from his list.

is he in anger stage? will he ever change his mind about being friends?

[Kwothe28]

Why do you want to be friends with somebody who calls you an idiot? Its abusive behavior and you shouldnt tolerate that.

I do understand that you are probably very young and all, but you shouldnt allow people to treat you in that way. He doesnt want anything to do with you. Its you who should be the one to push toward acceptance of that and moving on. Because, even though you maybe dont think so now, you are far better without him.

[fuzzy]

3 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Why do you want to be friends with somebody who calls you an idiot? Its abusive behavior and you shouldnt tolerate that.

I do understand that you are probably very young and all, but you shouldnt allow people to treat you in that way. He doesnt want anything to do with you. Its you who should be the one to push toward acceptance of that and moving on. Because, even though you maybe dont think so now, you are far better without him.

he is mad/hurt that the relationship didn't work out, thats why he is calling me that i guess

[Batya33]

25 minutes ago, fuzzy said:

he is mad/hurt that the relationship didn't work out, thats why he is calling me that i guess

Really? So when you are mad and feel like being mean to someone you do it no matter what? You don't think first so you avoid acting in an abusive way? Please don't be in contact with him.  He doesn't want to be friends with you, he changed his mind for whatever reason, I'd move on and if you find yourself ruminating find a way to redirect, distract (intense cardio helps me to redirect or 4-7-8 breathing Weil method -google it JMO).  I hope you feel better.

[fuzzy]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Really? So when you are mad and feel like being mean to someone you do it no matter what? You don't think first so you avoid acting in an abusive way? Please don't be in contact with him.  He doesn't want to be friends with you, he changed his mind for whatever reason, I'd move on and if you find yourself ruminating find a way to redirect, distract (intense cardio helps me to redirect or 4-7-8 breathing Weil method -google it JMO).  I hope you feel better.

if he is in anger stage maybe he'll change his mind later?

[MissCanuck]

You are in denial and need some major work on your self-worth, OP. 

I would not speak to someone who called me a name like that for any reason. Please don't make excuses for such people, and stay away from them. 

[Batya33]

48 minutes ago, fuzzy said:

if he is in anger stage maybe he'll change his mind later?

What’s anger stage? No such thing to have a stage where youre allowed to act out like that because it’s a stage. Oh my goodness. Yes some people feel a period of anger over a breakup. Doesn’t mean they act on angry feelings. Please stop looking for reasons to excuse mean behavior. 
even if he changes his mind he won’t change justifying being mean cause he feels angry or annoyed or whatever. 

[Coily]

This is an object lesson on why being "friends" with an ex is rarely a good idea. Rip off the bandaid and wash your hands of someone like this. Especially if they take out their frustration on you. 

The reason je pushed to stay friends was to remain close. When you weren't ready for that, while getting your self ready for a new direction, he took that as even harsher rejection .

Doesn't matter if he's in anger or denial or bargaining,  I think you just need to return to no contact. Is it worth having a jerk as a friend?

[fuzzy]

2 minutes ago, Coily said:

This is an object lesson on why being "friends" with an ex is rarely a good idea. Rip off the bandaid and wash your hands of someone like this. Especially if they take out their frustration on you. 

The reason je pushed to stay friends was to remain close. When you weren't ready for that, while getting your self ready for a new direction, he took that as even harsher rejection .

Doesn't matter if he's in anger or denial or bargaining,  I think you just need to return to no contact. Is it worth having a jerk as a friend?

i stayed back then when he wanted to be friends, but my emotions were running wild, i was so hurt so i couldnt stop talking about how hurt i was, i couldnt stop talking about the break up. he prevented me from doing so and started asking me to take space till i can be a friend.  i still continued to mention it so he blocked and ghosted me like i said in the  post.

i am going on no contact again, there is nothing i can do more. and he blocked me again. 

[fuzzy]

and i dont get why did he even accept my friend request in the first place.. he knows that i will ask to be friends or ask him to come back.  

[lostandhurt]

Lesson learned right?  Don't try and be friends with an ex because you will just end up prolonging the hurt.

I get the feeling you want to try again and want him back and this "friendship" is the vehicle for your plan.

  He is not the guy for you  and has shown you who he really is so believe him please.  Continue to learn and grow and always remember to see things as they really are, not as we wish them to be.

Lost

[TeeDee]

Stop.  There is no such thing as after NC.  NC is forever.  You are broken up.  There is no reason whatsoever to remain in contact unless you share children. 

There is no friendship because you were never friends.  No new person in either of your lives wants to deal with the old EX.  You don't need this "friendship" & a front row seat to his next relationship. 

A post break up friendship is a fallacy.  At most you can be civil if you randomly bump into each other when out & about so there is no drama.  There is no closeness nor should there be. 

[smackie9]

Here's a tip: Don't be friends with exes that had hurt you. Period. Cancel him from your life. 

[fuzzy]

47 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

Stop.  There is no such thing as after NC.  NC is forever.  You are broken up.  There is no reason whatsoever to remain in contact unless you share children. 

There is no friendship because you were never friends.  No new person in either of your lives wants to deal with the old EX.  You don't need this "friendship" & a front row seat to his next relationship. 

A post break up friendship is a fallacy.  At most you can be civil if you randomly bump into each other when out & about so there is no drama.  There is no closeness nor should there be. 

we have been friends since 2016. started dating last year. 

[MissCanuck]

28 minutes ago, fuzzy said:

we have been friends since 2016. started dating last year. 

So?

That doesn't mean you should keep him in your life. 

[SophiaG]

5 hours ago, fuzzy said:

“why did you have to go to such extremes to push me away you stupid fu.*** idiot”

He's lost respect for you and turned abusive. He will only hurt you more if you stay "friends."

3 hours ago, fuzzy said:

i couldnt stop talking about how hurt i was, i couldnt stop talking about the break up.

This could well be the reason he changed his mind and didn't want to be friends anymore (and rightfully so). Not that there was anything wrong with your feelings, but for him it's an awful lot to hear about how sad someone is all the time especially when (1) this is someone he deeply cared about and probably still cares for and (2) he made the decision that caused the sadness. It was too much. He said he was hurting as well, and he probably was. He made the self serving but very reasonable decision to step away from your pseudo "friendship" and focus on his own healing, which he couldn't have done with you constantly reminding him of the relationship and the painful loss. Real friends don't get obsessed over each other or talk about how hurt they are because of the other person nonstop.

Exes can't stay friends when they still have feelings for each other. And when the feelings are gone, why do you need them around any more? It will probably get in the way of any future relationship. I know the thought is incredibly painful right now but you need to let him go. I had to. Been there, done that.

I've learned a very helpful way of summarizing all this years ago, probably from this forum but I can't remember. Don't seek comfort from the person who caused the hurt. If you need to vent, talk to friends or a therapist.

Stay strong and good luck!

[fuzzy]

14 hours ago, SophiaG said:

He's lost respect for you and turned abusive. He will only hurt you more if you stay "friends."

This could well be the reason he changed his mind and didn't want to be friends anymore (and rightfully so). Not that there was anything wrong with your feelings, but for him it's an awful lot to hear about how sad someone is all the time especially when (1) this is someone he deeply cared about and probably still cares for and (2) he made the decision that caused the sadness. It was too much. He said he was hurting as well, and he probably was. He made the self serving but very reasonable decision to step away from your pseudo "friendship" and focus on his own healing, which he couldn't have done with you constantly reminding him of the relationship and the painful loss. Real friends don't get obsessed over each other or talk about how hurt they are because of the other person nonstop.

Exes can't stay friends when they still have feelings for each other. And when the feelings are gone, why do you need them around any more? It will probably get in the way of any future relationship. I know the thought is incredibly painful right now but you need to let him go. I had to. Been there, done that.

I've learned a very helpful way of summarizing all this years ago, probably from this forum but I can't remember. Don't seek comfort from the person who caused the hurt. If you need to vent, talk to friends or a therapist.

Stay strong and good luck!

he used to call me names when he was angry,

well, he caused me more hurt, way more when he blocked me while I was talking and ghosted me without saying a word.
 

[fuzzy]

Just now, fuzzy said:

he used to call me names when he was angry,

well, he caused me more hurt, way more when he blocked me while I was talking and ghosted me without saying a word.
 

not every time, but happened like a few times.

[Jaunty]

It's time to let this person go completely. 

According to your OP, he dumped you.  I'm sorry, obviously you still like him. That must have been painful.  Still, it indicates that he doesn't want to be with you which probably includes hanging around with you, especially if you are constantly behaving in ways that he finds unpleasant.

Move on!  Really.

[MissCanuck]

Why do you want to hang on to thig guy?

And may I ask, was this an online relationship or did you date in person?

[fuzzy]

17 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Why do you want to hang on to thig guy?

And may I ask, was this an online relationship or did you date in person?

because ive known him for a long time. and it was online

[Batya33]

57 minutes ago, fuzzy said:

because ive known him for a long time. and it was online

So he is basically a stranger for dating purposes-you never went on a date with him.  How do  you know who you were talking to? Whether he was married, had a partner, had kids, had a criminal background? Did you send him money? 

[fuzzy]

18 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So he is basically a stranger for dating purposes-you never went on a date with him.  How do  you know who you were talking to? Whether he was married, had a partner, had kids, had a criminal background? Did you send him money? 

Ive known him as a friend since 2016 and i know his real life friends as well. his family too. 

[Batya33]

Just now, fuzzy said:

Ive known him as a friend since 2016 and i know his real life friends as well. his family too. 

Right.  He is an online penpal -have you met his real life friends in person? His family? Have you done a background check? Have you sent him money? No it's not a romantic relationship - a romantic relationship is  two people in person.  It's much easier to tell yourself typing and talking to an online person is a romantic relationship because it's easier in some ways than being in person if you're a person who is afraid of being vulnerable.

[TeeDee]

21 hours ago, fuzzy said:

we have been friends since 2016. started dating last year. 

The dating changed the dynamic & you need a long step back.  You need to be fully apart for at least as long as you dated.  Maybe in 5 1- 10 years you can resume a friendship, but why would you want to at that point? 

You cannot go straight from break up to friends.  It never works.  There are too many hurt feelings.