Intrusive thoughts about girlfriends past and ex girlfriend

[joenews]

So basically i’m in a new relationship of about 3 months now and i am suffering with intrusive thoughts about her past and like sexual stuff, i know her past isn’t that deep and im not sure why i even care to be honest but the intrusive thought is there so it’s annoying. The intrusive thought are no where near as bad as they was a few weeks ago because the content doesn’t really bother me as much anymore it’s more just frustrating having to like check in with myself saying things like “ oh you haven’t thought about that for a minute now”. The intrusive thoughts will come in when we have sex occasionally like “she’s done this with someone else and so on”. I’m only 20 and she’s 19 and i know her past isn’t even crazy but im still stuck in this intrusive thought cycle and it’s really annoying.

Adding on to this i was in a relationship for 3 years which i got fully over and felt ready to be in a new relationship however my new girlfriend is bothered by this long relationship considering how young we are and has asked a lot of questions about it and ive had to think a lot about the relationship, and in the last week i have now started making associations with stuff she does to my last girlfriend and also intrusive thoughts which i’m assuming is because i was already having intrusive thoughts so it’s kind of just transferred into one.

Im just looking for advive and to know that it will stop as it’s frustrating to deal with everyday and it’s kind of taking me out of my relationship sometimes as i feel like im going crazy 

[Batya33]

I'm so sorry you are struggling.  I recommend a website like Martha Beck's site which has some good resources about dealing with intrusive thoughts.  Are you in therapy?

[WendyT]

Hello,

Maybe there is something practical you could do to train your mind to think of something else as soon as these intrusive thoughts start to rise. Read a book? A game on your phone, one of those apps that require your full attention - mind-puzzles? You may find these take your attention just long enough for the thoughts to subside?

Be careful here because you may push your new girlfriend away if you continue down this path of self-torture - something it seems you are already noticing in your behaviour towards the relationship.

It is normal to think of past relationships, especially the intimate side of it when you have a new relationship but it is how you deal with it going forward that is the real test. The older you get the more likely it is that any new relationship partner will come with a history of previous partners. 

Hang on in there because these intrusive thoughts may still start to dwindle with time on their own.

Good luck.

[Vesna]

If the above recommendations don’t help, like distracting techniques for example, I strongly recommend therapy. If the intrusive thoughts are very severe, there are many medications out there for it, Abilify being one of them. They are very effective. Sometimes these meds are the only option one has to control them if they are very severe.

[joenews]

12 minutes ago, Vesna said:

If the above recommendations don’t help, like distracting techniques for example, I strongly recommend therapy. If the intrusive thoughts are very severe, there are many medications out there for it, Abilify being one of them. They are very effective. Sometimes these meds are the only option one has to control them if they are very severe.

i don’t believe that medication is only way to stop them it’s more about i have to personally grow and overcome it as im only 20 so these are just new feelings to me that i need to learn 

[joenews]

1 hour ago, WendyT said:

Hello,

Maybe there is something practical you could do to train your mind to think of something else as soon as these intrusive thoughts start to rise. Read a book? A game on your phone, one of those apps that require your full attention - mind-puzzles? You may find these take your attention just long enough for the thoughts to subside?

Be careful here because you may push your new girlfriend away if you continue down this path of self-torture - something it seems you are already noticing in your behaviour towards the relationship.

It is normal to think of past relationships, especially the intimate side of it when you have a new relationship but it is how you deal with it going forward that is the real test. The older you get the more likely it is that any new relationship partner will come with a history of previous partners. 

Hang on in there because these intrusive thoughts may still start to dwindle with time on their own.

Good luck.

i don’t tend to act on them or make her feel bad for her past at all it’s more just frustating to deal with in my head and i feel like the more i push away the worse they get but it’s very hard not to do that as i don’t want to feel the way i do anymore 

[WendyT]

41 minutes ago, joenews said:

i don’t tend to act on them or make her feel bad for her past at all it’s more just frustating to deal with in my head and i feel like the more i push away the worse they get but it’s very hard not to do that as i don’t want to feel the way i do anymore 

By not acting on them though you are allowing them to consume you and deal with them on your own. Maybe a type of therapy would help you in this scenario, CBT for example - a kind of talking therapy.

It isn't about her feelings at this stage - this is about you and how you go forward, you can't spend your life looking back on things you cannot change. Her past is her past for a reason. This would still be happening with any other person you get into a relationship with, surely ? Worrying about whether your thoughts are going to affect her is only going to make it worse for you, like you'll be constantly on egg shells whilst battling with your own mind ?

[Coily]

Do you think some of this difficulty comes from your current girlfriend's "jokes" about your masculinity?

 

[joenews]

33 minutes ago, WendyT said:

By not acting on them though you are allowing them to consume you and deal with them on your own. Maybe a type of therapy would help you in this scenario, CBT for example - a kind of talking therapy.

It isn't about her feelings at this stage - this is about you and how you go forward, you can't spend your life looking back on things you cannot change. Her past is her past for a reason. This would still be happening with any other person you get into a relationship with, surely ? Worrying about whether your thoughts are going to affect her is only going to make it worse for you, like you'll be constantly on egg shells whilst battling with your own mind ?

i’m fully aware it’s gonna be a problem regardless that’s why i want to solve it, there’s no point talking to her about it cos reassurance will just make my thoughts worse 

[WendyT]

9 minutes ago, joenews said:

cos reassurance will just make my thoughts worse 

How so?

[joenews]

12 minutes ago, WendyT said:

How so?

reassurance will only temporary make me feel better i’ll just want more reassurance 

[TeeDee]

Try reminding yourself that her past is none of your business.  

With any new person you are entitled to know if anything about their past or their present state of health presents a danger to you:  i.e. do they have an STD or did they previously engage in high-risk behavior like sharing needles or having unprotected sex with somebody else who had an STD.  Beyond that it's not your concern.   So MYOB

Live in the present.  Focus on the fact that your new GF chose to date you.  Have fun. 

Don't compare yourself to anybody she may have dated in the past.  You don't even know those people.  It doesn't matter because she is not with them now.  She's with you.  Enjoy your time together. 

You are right that you absolutely should not discuss this with her.  She doesn't have a time machine.  She can't go back & change her past.  She isn't responsible for your intrusive thoughts & she can't make them stop.  Only you can.  Practice healthier self talk & learn to self soothe. 

[rainbowsandroses]

9 hours ago, joenews said:

The intrusive thoughts will come in when we have sex occasionally like “she’s done this with someone else and so on”. I’m only 20...

^In my opinion this is more about your ego than anything she's actually done. 

Also I don't think you can logic your way out of these thoughts by telling yourself it's none of your business.

My guess is you already know it's none of your business, but that still doesn't stop your ego from steering your ship straight into these intrusive thoughts. 

It's emotional.

I think with maturity this may fade but for right now, you can learn to manage/control such thoughts by separating your ego from your emotions and not allowing your ego to steer your ship and/or allowing such thoughts to negatively impact your relationship in any way. 

JMO.

 

 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, joenews said:

i don’t believe that medication is only way to stop them it’s more about i have to personally grow and overcome it as im only 20 so these are just new feelings to me that i need to learn 

Medication and therapy help intrusive thoughts when needed -meaning depends on what kind of thoughts and how often/daily functioning. This is what I've heard and read.  It's not about "learning" because it's not logical. It is about learning coping strategies and/or getting evaluated to see if there is a chemical imbalance or other mentail health issue.

[joenews]

54 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^In my opinion this is more about your ego than anything she's actually done. 

Also I don't think you can logic your way out of these thoughts by telling yourself it's none of your business.

My guess is you already know it's none of your business, but that still doesn't stop your ego from steering your ship straight into these intrusive thoughts. 

It's emotional.

I think with maturity this may fade but for right now, you can learn to manage/control such thoughts by separating your ego from your emotions and not allowing your ego to steer your ship and/or allowing such thoughts to negatively impact your relationship in any way. 

JMO.

 

 

yeh i’m aware it’s my ego and like you said it don’t stop it controlling my thoughts i’m just curious if you can help me to not allow it to control my thoughts cos it’s like any time she does anything sexual i end up associating it with her doing it with someone else im fully aware it’s out of my control and im not really sure why i care but i do

[SophiaG]

10 hours ago, joenews said:

“she’s done this with someone else and so on”.

So she's done that with someone else. Can you get to the bottom of that thought and figure out why that bothers you? She's met and dated people before you, but they didn't work out and she chose you. Were you subconsciously afraid that she would change her mind or think less of you because of her previous experience? Or was that you somehow wanted to be her first or only (even if you've dated before yourself)? Think it all out when you're alone, not having sex. Address the underlying belief not the symptom.

[joenews]

16 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

So she's done that with someone else. Can you get to the bottom of that thought and figure out why that bothers you? She's met and dated people before you, but they didn't work out and she chose you. Were you subconsciously afraid that she would change her mind or think less of you because of her previous experience? Or was that you somehow wanted to be her first or only (even if you've dated before yourself)? Think it all out when you're alone, not having sex. Address the underlying belief not the symptom.

and what do i do when i find out the underlying belief which also feels impossible to even find out 

[SophiaG]

Just now, joenews said:

and what do i do when i find out the underlying belief which also feels impossible to even find out 

How is it impossible? Ask yourself "why is this annoying/disturbing/saddening?" Would you prefer to date a virgin with no prior experience at all? Are you afraid she might prefer other men or a certain type of men? Do you have any concerns over your sex life?

My guess is if you are fully satisfied with your relationship and accept that your partner's sex history before your relationship has nothing to do with you, the thought wouldn't have bothered you so much. If instead it leads you to realize some current issues in your relationship or yourself, address those then.

[Vesna]

6 hours ago, joenews said:

i don’t believe that medication is only way to stop them it’s more about i have to personally grow and overcome it as im only 20 so these are just new feelings to me that i need to learn 

And that’s absolutely fine. However, I didn’t say meds were the only way to go first. Also, I did say that IF your intrusive thoughts were severe, I recommended therapy and meds. In the end, it’s always up to you. Good Luck!

[smackie9]

Hey I know what's going on...and it's so normal to have these feelings. You are falling in love with her, so of course there's intrusive thoughts about her being with others. Being this young, your brain is still developing. Eventually this stuff wears off....as you get older you will have a handle on it, and be able to dismiss it. You will be OK. 

[TeeDee]

20 hours ago, joenews said:

 it’s like any time she does anything sexual i end up associating it with her doing it with someone else 

Try to reframe it.  Think about how lucky you are that she's willing to do sexual things with you & stop focusing on the fact that you are not the 1st. 

[joenews]

22 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Hey I know what's going on...and it's so normal to have these feelings. You are falling in love with her, so of course there's intrusive thoughts about her being with others. Being this young, your brain is still developing. Eventually this stuff wears off....as you get older you will have a handle on it, and be able to dismiss it. You will be OK. 

bit frustrating though i kinda don’t wanna be feeling like this months to come, but your words really help it’s very scary cos im not really sure why i care i know it doesn’t affect me and i can’t change it just can’t stop the thoughts coming 

[joenews]

22 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Hey I know what's going on...and it's so normal to have these feelings. You are falling in love with her, so of course there's intrusive thoughts about her being with others. Being this young, your brain is still developing. Eventually this stuff wears off....as you get older you will have a handle on it, and be able to dismiss it. You will be OK. 

it feels like it’s impossible to go away because the thoughts come without my say

[smackie9]

7 minutes ago, joenews said:

bit frustrating though i kinda don’t wanna be feeling like this months to come, but your words really help it’s very scary cos im not really sure why i care i know it doesn’t affect me and i can’t change it just can’t stop the thoughts coming 

I don't think it will take months. Our brains usually find other things to think about. The dopamine is just strong right now...it does dissipate. You just have to know this isn't going to be like this forever.