girlfriend makes jokes about my masculinity

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, joenews said:

i’m gonna try my best to take the advice think i struggle with tryna people please too much and i don’t wanna upset people you know 

Do you want to upset yourself? Do you want her to make these comments in front of your friends, allude to them in front of your coworkers or your family?

[Cherylyn]

My brother was raised by my mother,  a single parent.  From my observation,  he's never had a strong male figure in his life so naturally,  he doesn't do "masculine" type tasks.  Before I get raked over the coals,  I'm applying this comment about my brother and not anyone else to be very clear.   He is not knowledgeable with anything my husband does because he wasn't taught from an early age nor did he have any positive male influences and role models to emulate. 

Because my husband was constantly at his father's side maintaining a house,  doing house repairs,  car repairs,  maintenance,   electronic repairs,  yard work such as pushing lawnmowers,  worked for a landscaper during summers and accustomed to going to Home Depot a lot for many years,  naturally he gravitates towards these "manly" or "masculine" type roles. 

His father led by example and taught my husband how to respect women (of course, everyone but women in particular) whereas my brother never had a male example to follow in the home.  Hence,  my brother is clueless regarding how to treat women or so I've noticed every single time I visit him.  (My relatives and in-laws reside locally.) 

My husband has a mother and sister so he knows how to treat women well as he does for me.  Whether it's my MIL (mother-in-law),  SIL (sister-in-law) or me,  we're all feminine women because it's our preference.

I suppose I could hire help if my husband wasn't skilled in construction,  electrical,  plumbing,  car repairs / maintenance,  household repairs / maintenance,  yard work,  masonry and the like but I'm grateful that he's skilled as he has saved us tremendous amounts of money through the years as opposed to hiring contractors.  Even my next door neighbor is envious and often comments to my husband how handy he is compared to her helpless husband. 

I appreciate chivalry even in these modern times.   He still opens doors for me which I like just as he did during our dating days.  He does this for his mother, too.  He still surprises me at random with little gifts throughout the year such as my particular penchant for designer handbags or something I've had my eye on for a long time.  In this regard,  I rather enjoy being feminine and him taking the lead being masculine.  I enjoy being taken care of.   ☺️

I frequent the hair salon,  I like manicures and pedicures,  I like to look nice,  wear chic clothes, wear pretty shoes,  I love all of it.  I'm very much a lady and I enjoy being feminine very much.  I've always been this way ever since I was a little girl.  I love my masculine husband.  💗  To me,  there's nothing more attractive than a masculine yet gentle man.   He's tall,  strong and protects me.  He is my buffer and shield.  It's not for everyone but I like it!  No one harms me because they have to go through him to get to me which they dare not.  I like this arrangement very much.  If that's masculine and I'm feminine, so be it.  It works for us. 

I'm lucky.  If my husband wasn't the way he is,  I might be ok with it as long as he's a nice person.  Fortunately,  he's better than my father was,  better than my brother and uncles.  I won the lottery with him.  🤗 👍

@joenews  Tell your girlfriend,  what she sees is what she gets and to accept you as you are.  As long as you're a nice person it is good enough.  🙂

 

 

[Batya33]

I think there's a difference between a woman preferring a man who is masculine as per her definition of masculinity and a woman insisting that a man she is dating change to suit her preferences.  I don't think the latter makes sense unless it's superficial changes like "I'd appreciate if you open my car door first."  My father in law was basically blind for the last 10 plus years of his life and owned his own toolbox and was always handy and chivalrous but because of his disability obviously he couldn't do certainly handy things anymore and while he held doors etc -well -he had to see the door clearly of course. And believe me he was a man in all of the good senses of the word.  So it really does depend on the individual definition.  I had a man boast to me on a second date about beating the crap out of a bus passenger who made some offensive comment to him.  Thats' "masculine" in certain understandings of the word and for me it was - repulsive and scary.  Last date.

My husband owns his own tool box, learned all the handy stuff from his father -and it's great but we have a great maintenance team in our apartment complex so we do a combo of him and maintenance (it is included in our rent and they're great).

OP she is being really rude and wanting you to be someone you are not so to me there's no point in worrying about whether you are enough of a man cause she for sure isn't enough of a woman.

[Andrina]

9 hours ago, joenews said:

i don’t wanna come across as if im being too sensitive 

Own what you feel as your genuine self. When you bottle your upsets/anger/frustration, two things happen. One day you will blow like a shaken bottle of soda, and that won't be a healthy way to reveal your feelings. Plus, you're hiding your authentic self and something will always feel off to a partner or friend if you're being phony. 

People are not mind readers. When you make a reasonable request, if a person truly cares, they will change their behavior to please you. If they don't care and continue to knowingly hurt you, best to find that out quickly so you can make the wise decision of breaking up early on.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Cherylyn]

Tell her if she's not happy the way you are and if you're not masculine enough for her to find a man who will suit her needs whether it's being masculine,  someone reminiscent of her father or whatever her requirements are.  Apparently,  you're not good enough for her so she should be with a man more her liking.  Tell her she should date a man similar to dear old dad.  😏

[shouldhavelearned]

Stand up for yourself 

[tattoobunnie]

21 hours ago, joenews said:

obviously didn’t wanna make me feel insecure 

You aren't insecure.  You're dating someone who's trying to make you be insecure.

[tattoobunnie]

16 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

My brother was raised by my mother,  a single parent.  From my observation,  he's never had a strong male figure in his life so naturally,  he doesn't do "masculine" type tasks.

Because my husband was constantly at his father's side maintaining a house...naturally he gravitates towards these "manly" or "masculine" type roles. 

My hubs didn't have anyone teaching him "manyly" things, and learned things on his own by his own initiative.  He is ridiculously "manly" and built like a gladiator.  Some people into engineering and tools are not gender specific.  Not a dig - just that not all of your parents hobbies become your own hobbies.

[asena]

On 9/10/2024 at 3:31 PM, joenews said:

However she makes occasional jokes how like her dad would do this for her or that’s so feminine of me to want her to do

tell her to stop watching too much SheraSeven and get off tiktok a bit. 
What she is saying is mean and she definitely isn‘t joking but that doesn‘t say anything about you or your masculinity. 

[Cherylyn]

13 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

My hubs didn't have anyone teaching him "manyly" things, and learned things on his own by his own initiative.  He is ridiculously "manly" and built like a gladiator.  Some people into engineering and tools are not gender specific.  Not a dig - just that not all of your parents hobbies become your own hobbies.

True.  However,  it helped a lot that my husband had a strong father figure in his life to guide him and teach him everything whether car repairs,  car maintenance,  home repairs,  home maintenance,  yard work,  familiarity with hardware warehouses and those types of male tendencies. 

Had my brother been exposed to the same manly or masculine type tasks and chores,  he would've been more adept at these types of skills.  My husband has a lot of know how and it came from his father so it's natural for him.  He grew up with hands on how to be a jack of all trades.  I wish my brother had the same upbringing because he could've benefited immensely. 

Not a dig to you either.  I'm merely sharing my observation and experience.  Glad it all worked out for you as well.  👍 😉 

[asena]

On 9/10/2024 at 5:20 PM, joenews said:

i don’t want her to feel like she’s walking on eggshells either though if it’s just a joke 

but it‘s not a joke. Someone who loves u, would not make jokes like that. She probably genuinely feels like that because i do remember doing something similar to my ex boyfriend.

He would "take me out for valentines day“ and i‘d be the one paying, even though he made 3 times more money than me and 18 year old me didn‘t know how to handle this so with time i started to resent him for not being as masculine as he always says he is. 

Made a joke here or there, i don‘t know if it hurt his feelings but i sure wanted it to hurt back then. This behavior is immature and u should not have to deal with someone who can‘t communicate effectively. (i regret it, i learned, i am better now. Does not excuse my behavior one bit) 

Pls pls tell her that it hurts ur feelings and depending on her response, u can decide wether or not she cares.

[jazz_lover]

She's being unreasonable. She is entitled to her preferences and if they are important to her she can find a Ron Swanson type. Although that is a pretty outdated pioneer type version of masculinity that has little relevance in the modern world.

But she shouldn't be trying to change you or make you feel inadequate just because she has those preferences. 

And I am sure there are plenty of things she doesn't do that "trad wife" types usually do. And she may have her own insecurities about not being feminine enough which might draw her towards rough and ready men. 

And there are lots of women out there who dislike macho guys and prefer someone more sensitive. 

But at the same time you need to put your foot down and let her know that she is starting to cross the line and the jokes are wearing thin. 

 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

However,  it helped a lot that my husband had a strong father figure in his life to guide him and teach him everything whether car repairs,  car maintenance,  home repairs,  home maintenance,  yard work,  familiarity with hardware warehouses and those types of male tendencies. 

Had my brother been exposed to the same manly or masculine type tasks and chores,  he would've been more adept at these types of skills. 

Hmmmm.  So interesting as I know a family where there are two strong parental figures and the sons are very traditionally masculine in every way you described and then some. Both parents are women.

And I'm not sure where it's masculine or feminine to invite someone out on a date then have the other person pay as the other person posted about dating a man who made 3 times as much. To me that's just rude not gender -based (some other poster wrote that),  Also I don't think it's masculine or feminine to have the person who makes more $ be the one who pays more often unless the "wealthier" person wants to do an activity the other cannot afford -then the wealthier should offer to pay more or treat. I did that with my female friend once -wanted to stay in a nicer inn on a girls'  trip so I said I would pay most so that what she paid was what she could originally afford.  Like that. Not gendered.  I don't think jokes about masculinity are in order when someone is just plain rude.

[Cherylyn]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Hmmmm.  So interesting as I know a family where there are two strong parental figures and the sons are very traditionally masculine in every way you described and then some. Both parents are women.

And I'm not sure where it's masculine or feminine to invite someone out on a date then have the other person pay as the other person posted about dating a man who made 3 times as much. To me that's just rude not gender -based (some other poster wrote that),  Also I don't think it's masculine or feminine to have the person who makes more $ be the one who pays more often unless the "wealthier" person wants to do an activity the other cannot afford -then the wealthier should offer to pay more or treat. I did that with my female friend once -wanted to stay in a nicer inn on a girls'  trip so I said I would pay most so that what she paid was what she could originally afford.  Like that. Not gendered.  I don't think jokes about masculinity are in order when someone is just plain rude.

Hmmmm.  Merely my observation whenever I've compared my husband to my brother and I will go so far as to say to compare my brother-in-law (BIL) with my husband.  None of them are adept at doing fairly predominant masculine type activities but that's ok.  Also,  predominate meaning these tasks tend to be male dominated including in the employment industry.  To each his own and whatever they or other people do is fine with me.  ☺️

More women should do a "man's work,"  go to combat,  etc.  Fair is fair and equal is equal.  If women want to do it,  hooray for them. 

As for femininity and masculinity,  personally,  I like it.  I like to look pretty,  I like to be feminine,  my husband is masculine as are our sons.  I do draw the line at patriarchal though.  We're not that extreme.  No misogyny allowed either.  For everything else though,  we're most definitely in the ladies and gentleman category.

Whoever invites whomever on a date is up to them and however way they wish to arrange and pay or not pay.  As for posting income,  I think it's tacky.  If a person earns a high income,  they should be self confident and secure enough to remain low key and modest.  This has been my experience regarding those who are set with their ample incomes.  There is no need to say nor write anything.  If a person has it made in the shade,  why bother?  🙄

Regarding who pays for what,  who can afford what,  who is willing to pay more than their fair share,  whatever floats your boat @Batya33.  Whenever there's cooperation and agreements,  I'm all for it. 👍

To @joenews  Tell your girlfriend,  you are who you are and if she doesn't like it,  tell her to go date a man reminiscent of her father. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Cherylyn said:

Regarding who pays for what,  who can afford what,  who is willing to pay more than their fair share,  whatever floats your boat @Batya33.  Whenever there's cooperation and agreements,  I'm all for it. 👍

To me it's not fair to agree to a plan and then want to make it more expensive in a way your friend cannot afford- and not offer to pay more since you are the one who wants to upgrade.

[Cherylyn]

Just now, Batya33 said:

To me it's not fair to agree to a plan and then want to make it more expensive in a way your friend cannot afford- and not offer to pay more since you are the one who wants to upgrade.

Then they shouldn't agree to a plan.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Cherylyn said:

Then they shouldn't agree to a plan.

Not what I wrote.  The  two agree to a plan. Then one wants to upgrade and offers "let's upgrade and I know it's not within  your budget so I'll pay for upgrade".  

[Cherylyn]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Not what I wrote.  The  two agree to a plan. Then one wants to upgrade and offers "let's upgrade and I know it's not within  your budget so I'll pay for upgrade".  

Let them work it out amongst themselves.