girlfriend makes jokes about my masculinity

[joenews]

i’ve been in this relationship for about 3 months and at the very start she made a comment saying how “she doesn’t feel feminine around me” since then she’s said multiple times like how she loves being around me cos she can just be a girl and not have to think as i always make the plans and lead her around and so on. However she makes occasional jokes how like her dad would do this for her or that’s so feminine of me to want her to do something for her and just like jokes that i’m not masculine, i find it hard to tell if it’s just a joke and i’m being too sensitive or if it’s something i need to bring up. I was raised by a single mother so i guess my masculinity has always been a soft spot for me as i never really got taught loads of different things.

 

She was always say things like i should do stuff cos that’s just what a man does and so on and i guess it’s started to make me feel a bit insecure

[Kwothe28]

15 minutes ago, joenews said:

She was always say things like i should do stuff cos that’s just what a man does

Just say next time she pulls that words, that if she isnt happy with you she can go out and find somebody else. But without you in the picture.

Some women have this twisted perception that you should be like their dad. See, when they grow up, that is usually the role model they see and they “mold” their perception of men to that image. Her dad fixes stuff around home so you should also do that and not call repair man to do so. Its an example, dunno if yours says stuff like that but guessing she does. Anyway, I dont think she should make digs at your expanse in any way, even that one. And if she or anybody else does, feel free to tell them to get out and find somebody else. 

[itsallgrand]

It's nothing about you and everything about her. She has certain ideas about gender and about how you communicate in a relationship. I'd be turned off. It's 3 months in! It's a pretty good indicator you will be dealing with more of this if you stick around, and it's not your job to try and change something like that about a person.  

[SophiaG]

Masculine/feminine is overrated. You either like someone or you don't. If you don't like them for whatever reason, just move on.

44 minutes ago, joenews said:

i should do stuff cos that’s just what a man does

What stuff? Like opening doors, pulling chairs etc. or making money and providing for her?

 

[SophiaG]

26 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Some women have this twisted perception that you should be like their dad.

Ewww.

That said, some men want their gf to be like their mom too! 😂

[smackie9]

Sorry but, if you can't be yourself in a relationship then this relationship isn't for you. She obviously has a preference and is using "joking" but not joking, to change to the way she would like you to be. Don't put up with it and send her to the curb. Let her find her Paul Bunyan. 

[Coily]

This woman has a bad case of "A real man would..." This sort of "joking" is just an indicator of her paper thin understanding of who you are. And after 3 months it will only get worse.

On a humorous note, every time she tells you "that’s just what a man does " Demand a sandwich and a back rub, because that's just what a woman does. Two can play that stereotype game.

If you want to stay with her, you need to put a hard end to this crap of hers. let her know it's unacceptable for her act in such an immature way. Or, just walk away and be done with such petty and insulting crap.

 

[joenews]

24 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Sorry but, if you can't be yourself in a relationship then this relationship isn't for you. She obviously has a preference and is using "joking" but not joking, to change to the way she would like you to be. Don't put up with it and send her to the curb. Let her find her Paul Bunyan. 

i don’t think it’s an extreme thing as to break up with her i more want to know what i should say cos i don’t wanna come across as if im being too sensitive 

[joenews]

16 minutes ago, Coily said:

This woman has a bad case of "A real man would..." This sort of "joking" is just an indicator of her paper thin understanding of who you are. And after 3 months it will only get worse.

On a humorous note, every time she tells you "that’s just what a man does " Demand a sandwich and a back rub, because that's just what a woman does. Two can play that stereotype game.

If you want to stay with her, you need to put a hard end to this crap of hers. let her know it's unacceptable for her act in such an immature way. Or, just walk away and be done with such petty and insulting crap.

 

how do i let her know it’s unacceptable without coming across as too sensitive and can’t take a joke though

[joenews]

1 hour ago, joenews said:

i’ve been in this relationship for about 3 months and at the very start she made a comment saying how “she doesn’t feel feminine around me” since then she’s said multiple times like how she loves being around me cos she can just be a girl and not have to think as i always make the plans and lead her around and so on. However she makes occasional jokes how like her dad would do this for her or that’s so feminine of me to want her to do something for her and just like jokes that i’m not masculine, i find it hard to tell if it’s just a joke and i’m being too sensitive or if it’s something i need to bring up. I was raised by a single mother so i guess my masculinity has always been a soft spot for me as i never really got taught loads of different things.

 

She was always say things like i should do stuff cos that’s just what a man does and so on and i guess it’s started to make me feel a bit insecure

i want to add aswell she isn’t like against me being open she is always happy when i communicate how i feel it’s more just like little jokes that i cant tell if im just being sensitive or if she really means it and im not sure how to deal with it 

[Coily]

2 minutes ago, joenews said:

how do i let her know it’s unacceptable without coming across as too sensitive and can’t take a joke though

Me personally, I would tell her to make me a sandwich when she makes those jokes. If she gets offended, then I would offer to stop if she does.

If she's really joking it will be a back and forth for both of you. If she's truly making digs at your masculinity, then you'll know pretty quick. 

 

[joenews]

5 minutes ago, Coily said:

Me personally, I would tell her to make me a sandwich when she makes those jokes. If she gets offended, then I would offer to stop if she does.

If she's really joking it will be a back and forth for both of you. If she's truly making digs at your masculinity, then you'll know pretty quick. 

 

she doesn’t expect loads from me tho like she doesn’t ask for much from me so i’m not sure how asking her to make me a sandwich will actually play out? i just don’t really know how to express it’s bothering me without coming across too sensitive 

[Coily]

1 minute ago, joenews said:

she doesn’t expect loads from me tho like she doesn’t ask for much from me so i’m not sure how asking her to make me a sandwich will actually play out? i just don’t really know how to express it’s bothering me without coming across too sensitive 

It doesn't have to be a sandwich per se, but something that is stereotypically feminine. A taste of her own medicine. If she's been truly joking, it opens the door for a discussion. If she's been a jerk, then you'll know

[Kwothe28]

32 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

That said, some men want their gf to be like their mom too! 😂

I mean, sure, I dont deny there are those as well. But these ones are there because they dont get called out. For example, a man who asks for his wife to be like his mom, gets called out very easily. A woman who asks for “A real man like her dad”, very rarely. It became acceptable to ask for “masculinity”. But only when some women want it. Otherwise its “toxic”. I know one that has those cringy FB statuses with “My man should be a real man”. Still looks for one since she is almost 45. But still cases like OPs are not being called out. But try to ask a woman to cook you lunch. And see all Hell break loose and how she tells you how she is not your mom and you should learn to cook(I know how to cook and not a real life experience, just example) . 😂

17 minutes ago, joenews said:

how do i let her know it’s unacceptable without coming across as too sensitive and can’t take a joke though

I dont think you understand. You dance around a subject that should be called out on the spot. Her digging at your masculinity wont stop. If she is not happy with how masculine you are, she would either

a) try to change you(which those subtle jabs are probably for)

b) leave you for somebody who more suits her idea of masculinity 

There is no dancing around this. If you want this to stop you need to call her out. And if she is not happy with you, she should just hit the road. Simple as that. 

[SophiaG]

7 minutes ago, joenews said:

she doesn’t expect loads from me tho like she doesn’t ask for much from me

Can you give some examples of what she jokes about exactly?

[itsallgrand]

I mean, if her response to you saying this bothers you is " you are too sensitive! " you have your answer right there.

If my SO, who is a man by the way, told me something bothered him I'd be paying attention and would want to reassure him I'm not deliberately being a jerk. I'd want to right it.

You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells....I hope you aren't doing so already

 

[joenews]

6 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

I mean, if her response to you saying this bothers you is " you are too sensitive! " you have your answer right there.

If my SO, who is a man by the way, told me something bothered him I'd be paying attention and would want to reassure him I'm not deliberately being a jerk. I'd want to right it.

You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells....I hope you aren't doing so already

 

i don’t want her to feel like she’s walking on eggshells either though if it’s just a joke 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, joenews said:

how do i let her know it’s unacceptable without coming across as too sensitive and can’t take a joke though

"I feel disrespected when you say that.  I know you say it is a joke but it doesn't come across as just a joke.  I am who I am and either that's good with you or it's not." 

[tattoobunnie]

3 hours ago, joenews said:

...she makes occasional jokes...that’s so feminine of me to want her to do something for her and just like jokes that i’m not masculine

She was always say things like i should do stuff cos that’s just what a man does and so on and i guess it’s started to make me feel a bit insecure

What are you doing that she deems "feminine" vs "masculine"?  She sounds dreadful.  Don't date someone who makes you the punchline to their awful, unfounded "jokes."  Either she loves you just the way you are, or she doesn't.  And if she doesn't, her loss.  She can marry her dad.

[tattoobunnie]

2 hours ago, joenews said:

how do i let her know it’s unacceptable without coming across as too sensitive and can’t take a joke though

There is no such thing as too sensitive, but there is such as thing as insensitive. Don't let anyone gaslight you into dismissing your feelings. There are boundless relationships where they think their partner poops roses.

"What does being masculine or feminine have to do with a working relationship?  Do you feel unloved when I do or don't do these things for you?  I find your need to regularly point out what you consider traditional gender roles a dig at me, and it's unhelpful and unwarranted.  If you feel I am not what you need, perhaps we are not the best fit for eachother."

[smackie9]

You are not getting it....she's not being nice to you, whether she calls it a joke or not. No one should be talking to you like that. You are the one walking on eggshells sir. 

[rainbowsandroses]

My take is she wants you to be more dominant.  Many women associate dominance with masculinity and confidence.

It's not true but many women believe it is so by demanding she make you a sandwich (for example it could be anything), you're acting in forceful dominant way and it might actually turn her on!  

That said I do not advise you become someone you're not or act in ways you're not comfortable with.

Her comments disguised as "jokes" are rude and insulting and I agree with @Coilynext time she makes one of her "jokes," tell her if she's not happy with who you are and your "masculinity", she should find someone else.

That's confidence man.  Not twisting yourself around trying to find the "right" words to not offend her.

Bottom line, your natures are not compatible and I hate to say but I don't envision this lasting for this reason. 

I'm sorry. 

 

[joenews]

17 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

My take is she wants you to be more dominant.  Many women associate dominance with masculinity and confidence.

It's not true but many women believe it is so by demanding she make you a sandwich (for example it could be anything), you're acting in forceful dominant way and it might actually turn her on!  

That said I do not advise you become someone you're not or act in ways you're not comfortable with.

Her comments disguised as "jokes" are rude and insulting and I agree with @Coilynext time she makes one of her "jokes," tell her if she's not happy with who you are and your "masculinity", she should find someone else.

That's confidence man.  Not twisting yourself around trying to find the "right" words to not offend her.

Bottom line, your natures are not compatible and I hate to say but I don't envision this lasting for this reason. 

I'm sorry. 

 

*** it i’ll tell her it bothers me if it lasts it last if i don’t because of that reason not much i can do init

[joenews]

3 hours ago, Coily said:

It doesn't have to be a sandwich per se, but something that is stereotypically feminine. A taste of her own medicine. If she's been truly joking, it opens the door for a discussion. If she's been a jerk, then you'll know

i told her and she seems pretty understand but she’s upset cos she didn’t realise and obviously didn’t wanna make me feel insecure 

[joenews]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I mean, sure, I dont deny there are those as well. But these ones are there because they dont get called out. For example, a man who asks for his wife to be like his mom, gets called out very easily. A woman who asks for “A real man like her dad”, very rarely. It became acceptable to ask for “masculinity”. But only when some women want it. Otherwise its “toxic”. I know one that has those cringy FB statuses with “My man should be a real man”. Still looks for one since she is almost 45. But still cases like OPs are not being called out. But try to ask a woman to cook you lunch. And see all Hell break loose and how she tells you how she is not your mom and you should learn to cook(I know how to cook and not a real life experience, just example) . 😂

I dont think you understand. You dance around a subject that should be called out on the spot. Her digging at your masculinity wont stop. If she is not happy with how masculine you are, she would either

a) try to change you(which those subtle jabs are probably for)

b) leave you for somebody who more suits her idea of masculinity 

There is no dancing around this. If you want this to stop you need to call her out. And if she is not happy with you, she should just hit the road. Simple as that. 

i’m gonna try my best to take the advice think i struggle with tryna people please too much and i don’t wanna upset people you know