Am I (22) in a situation of financial abuse?

[liliincognito]

Hi all,

I hope this is the right place for this post. I’m seeking some advice and would appreciate any insights you might have.

I’ve had ongoing issues with my parent concerning money throughout my life. As a child, I didn’t have my own savings account; any money I received for holidays or other occasions went into a coin purse or piggy bank. My parent would sometimes take this money, claiming they needed it for bills or necessities. When I objected or got upset, I was often made to feel like I was in the wrong.

At 14, I got my first job and opened a savings account. Since I was a minor, my parent controlled this account, and the pattern continued: they would “borrow” money from me without asking and then gaslight me about it.

When I went to college and had full control over my finances, my parent continued to ask for money. A few years ago, I was asked for $3,000 to cover credit card debt, with a promise to repay it. I ended up giving them $1,000 for a grandparent’s funeral and another $2,000 for unspecified reasons. In total, I’ve given them $5,000 over the course of 2-3 years, and it seems unlikely that this money will be repaid.

I’ve since become more independent and now manage all my own expenses. I saved enough to leave my job and focus on my grad school exams. I’ve turned down many of their borrowing requests. My other parent is finally paying me back for a significant amount I had to spend on my bachelor’s degree, and I am starting to get back on my feet. My parent in question knows this. Last night, they asked to borrow $50, and when I inquired about the purpose, they became defensive and insisted they don’t need to explain.

Additional context:

• My parent raised me mostly as a single parent.
• They have a gambling habit, which might not involve blowing through rent money, but buying lottery tickets adds up.
• They’ve opened several store credit cards.
• They’ve mentioned that some credit card debt is from purchases made for me when I was younger.
• They’ve been financially betrayed by their sibling, affecting their access to potential inheritances.
• Their employer is my other parent, who does not provide proper pay or benefits.

I understand there are nuances to their situation, but their impulsive and odd behavior with money is difficult to overlook, especially as I reflect on past events.

Any advice or insights would be greatly appreciated. I’m happy to answer any questions!

Thanks so much 🙂

[ShySoul]

Not at expert in the field, so consult a lawyer for the most accurate information.

Think its questionable if it raises to the level of financial abuse for the childhood portion, although it certainly is bad behavior. Did there actions adversely impact your financial future? Were they opening up credit cards in your name or hurting your credit score? Did they deny you access to the funds if you wanted or needed it? Or was the account leagally in there name, meaning they had the rights to access it at will?

As an adult you've been voluntarily giving the funds. If you feel you are being taken advantage of, stop. You are not responsible for your parents actions or finances. If they can't be responsible at this point, it is on them. I know it's difficult, that you want to be there to help family. I've loaned money to both parents and a brother. But it was one time emergencies that they felt bad for asking about. I was never pressured and it's been paid back once they were able.

This person though, doesn't sound responsible enough to do that. He guilt trips you (the debt was because of raising you), gets defensive, blows his money on lottery tickets... he isn't taking care of things on his end. The more you give, the more you enable it. Unless it's a serious and urgent matter, I would cut him off until he can demonstrate he is getting his act together.

You also need to be focused on setting yourself up. The more you spend on them, the harder it will be to do the things you need to do. Even $50 or $20 here and there will add up fast. Life can be expensive. Don't loan it out unless you are secure and stable enough yourself to be able to afford it.

https://financialaid.syr.edu/financialliteracy/2022/10/17/october-2022-financial-abuse-in-a-child-parent-relationship/

https://financialaid.syr.edu/financialliteracy/2022/10/17/october-2022-financial-abuse-in-a-child-parent-relationship/

 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, liliincognito said:

I’ve had ongoing issues with my parent concerning money throughout my life. As a child, I didn’t have my own savings account; any money I received for holidays or other occasions went into a coin purse or piggy bank. My parent would sometimes take this money, claiming they needed it for bills or necessities. When I objected or got upset, I was often made to feel like I was in the wrong.

 

I think all struggling parents do that. My late mom often worked 2 jobs to raise me, send me to best high school and for me to go to college in another city. I was maybe mad at times, but I kinda knew that money needed family more than me. 

Anyway, are you still living with them? If you do, I think its fair to help from time to time if its about rent or some other urgent stuff. If you dont live with them, you can feel free to say "No" if you think they are asking you for something that is not urgent.

Also, I dunno what financial advice you want other than that? You are independent with your money now. They are not legally taking that money from you, they are asking you for one. You can say "Yes" or "No" to them. Again, I can see the predicament if you still live with them but then maybe you should think about being full independent and move out. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I think all struggling parents do that. My late mom often worked 2 jobs to raise me, send me to best high school and for me to go to college in another city. I was maybe mad at times, but I kinda knew that money needed family more than me. 

Anyway, are you still living with them? If you do, I think its fair to help from time to time if its about rent or some other urgent stuff. If you dont live with them, you can feel free to say "No" if you think they are asking you for something that is not urgent.

Also, I dunno what financial advice you want other than that? You are independent with your money now. They are not legally taking that money from you, they are asking you for one. You can say "Yes" or "No" to them. Again, I can see the predicament if you still live with them but then maybe you should think about being full independent and move out. 

I agree with this.  I would stop being the Bank. I'm very sorry you couldn't trust your parent with your money you made.

[liliincognito]

Thank you all for your replies!

[TeeDee]

No you are not being abused but as you have discerned you are being used.  There is a difference. 

Now that you have financial separation from the parent you & you alone can decide if, what, & how much to give when asked.  

[Capricorn3]

On 9/10/2024 at 2:45 PM, liliincognito said:

• They have a gambling habit, which might not involve blowing through rent money, but buying lottery tickets adds up.
• They’ve opened several store credit cards.

The minute I saw those words above my immediate reaction was that I would never hand out money to anyone with a gambling habit.  I will always, always help out with buying groceries or whatever relating to their general health, like buy them medication etc, but I wouldn't  give money for groceries/medication etc because they'll gamble it away.  Giving money to a gambler is like giving booze to an alcoholic.

[Tinydance]

Well to be honest whether it's financial abuse I think would depend on what culture you come from and your upbringing in general. I think there are cultures where as an adult you actually are supposed to financially help out your parents or even some other family members.

I live in Australia and there are adults who live here that for example came from Africa or Asia. They work hard and they send some money back to their parents or even some other older relatives. I know there are cultures where what you're describing would basically be considered normal. Except the gambling part. And obviously it would be concerning to most people if the money they were giving their parent actually went towards gambling and not living necessities. 

In terms of only having a piggy bank as a little kid. Well it seems outdated just in the sense that I don't think people really use piggy banks anymore. But maybe some people are more old fashioned and still want to use them. I think if your parents open a savings account for you as a minor under 18, I understand why they wouldn't give you access to it. If you're a child or young teenager then it's actually common for teenagers to just impulsively blow money on whatever they want. For example, if the savings account is supposed to be for a car or college but the teenager just maxes it out on video games or jewellery or something.

Where I guess what your parent did was poor form is they were actually taking money away from the savings bank account. But I think it's a bit of a grey area because if they were the one putting money in the account then technically it was their money. However if you were earning the money at your part time job and put it there and they were taking it, they took your money you earnt. But again to me it seems like a grey area because there are some families who believe that it's all their money. Like for example how a husband and wife might believe that it's all their money together and not just wife's money or husband's money.

My parents were for the most part very generous and didn't really ask for anything financial from me. They just wanted me to work for myself and earn money for MY life. E.g. Going out with friends, clothes, holidays, restaurants, cell phone, etc. They didn't ask that I pay rent or bills so in that sense I know I was very lucky. However there are many parents who expect their child to contribute and especially if they aren't well off financially. And maybe it depends on the overall financial situation of the family. E.g. A single parent might struggle more than two parents with two incomes.

I think now that you're a fully independent adult, you just need to be more assertive. It's probably OK to give $50 occasionally. But $5000 is too much. The only situation where I see that as being OK is if for example the adult child is earning a lot of money but the parent isn't. E.g. The parent is sick or disabled and can't work or something like that. If you're suspecting that some of the debts are due to gambling then definitely don't help. I think by continuing to give more money you're actually enabling this co dependence and gambling addiction.

How is your relationship with this parent overall? Are you close? If you have a good relationship otherwise my advice would be not to dwell on the past. You can't change what they did when you were a child. But now you're an adult so just decline to give them much money and keep firm boundaries.

[tattoobunnie]

Run a credit report; make sure they aren't opening up credit cards in your name.