Husband tremendous amount of grief and pain, is this PTSD?

[been14years]

Trying to understand more on how my husband process his grief, it like he in this tremendous amount of grief and pain, and I think he might have PTSD maybe depression too, he never go to therapist (trying to get him to go). Sorry English is my third language, we not Westerners, I'm from China. My husband however is not Chines, but he not Americans or Westerners.

I'm sorry it alot of unpack, in the 14 years together with my husband. 

His older sister died of car accident on freeway, a drunk driver crashed into her, on freeway she died on scene.

When his father died of pancreas cancer, he was the one that care for him to his last months by his dad bedside, when his dad took his last breath, he sit he sit there with his dad dead body for 12 hours (Rigor mortis was basically sets in), we (me and his mom) have no choice but to call the hospice so the hospice doctor can come and declare his father time of dead. He was holding his dad dead body for 12 hours and not want to let his dad go.
.......
The funeral was he prepaid for his father, so the funeral people come and put a tag on his dad foot, and cover his dad body a white sheet, and got his dad body out to funeral van. His mom basically sit there and just cry her eyes out.
Him not only he bawl but he also literally follow his dad body to the funeral van, and he run after the funeral van as it drove away.

His mom 4 years ago since she had a massive hemorrhagic stroke didn't kill her but leave her quadriplegia paralyze, and also her kidney failure. It has been since my husband overwork himself to pay for his mom Private Nursing home so she can have quality care doctor and a team of nurses care for her around the clock. He also prepaid for her funeral and gravesite so she can be buried near his dad. He also take his mom to Dialysis 4x times per week, as well as one weekend out of the month is his mom with us in our home and he care for her 24/7 that that 2 days, while 28 days is she at Nursing home. His mom is dying due to her kidney failure end stage.

5 years ago in 2019 our toddler/the child of me and him died of brain disease( the baby got brain disease inherited genetic from me the mom side) specialists said our child won't live pass age 2. My husband care for our child in that 1.5 years of our child life in and out of the hospital, he watch our child die slowly and there nothing he can do. He keeps our child ashes urn with him right in our child's room. He dust the room, touch our child ashes urn cries and talk to our child ashes, the room never change a single thing since the passing of our child, and it been 5 years since our child died.

In 2021 I had a near death experience, I was discharge home with hospital bed, bedridden and with oxygen tank hook in my nose 24/7. My husband took off work and care for me day and night for a whole month. The bedridden me defecate on myself and my husband clean my defecation that whole month. He also sleep with a pillow and a blanket on the carpet right by my bedside (we had a hospital bed in our bedroom got discharge home with it and oxygen tank).

I guess it our child death, and then me almost die, I basically saw him cries everyday. So so much tears from him, and emotional pain. Many times he bawl, not just cry, completely bawl, so much to the point he has both hands on his head and bawl to the point collapse and curl up in a ball on the ground. His emotions is just INTENSE.
Even in his deep sleep he bawl, I do not know why but tears just roll down his face and he bawl in his sleep.

I did recover thank you to him care for me. Many times he hugged me and said he very afraid (as in he very afraid that I will die). I don't know if it his father death, our child death, and my near death experience all build up together. 

This was when he started to cut his stomach with a kitchen knife, he said stomach skin is thinner and has more nerves so it hurts more, and nobody see his stomach than if it was on his legs of arms, so he chose to cut his stomach, he cuts deep the point bleeding that he has bandage wrap around his waist bleed.
And that was how I first time found out about he cut himself too was I saw the bloody bandage wrap around his waist when he took his shirt off.

His emotions is just so INTENSE, and his grief is just so intense it like he crave the physical pain to mask his grief.

He still has the scars on his stomach from he cut his stomach with the kitchen knife. He doesn't cut himself anymore, he said he will continue live for me, I am the reason why he still living. This is why I am taking care of my health, I must be healthy for him.

He said if I happen to go before him (die before him), he will go with me. And don't I say that he leaving anyone behind because he not, his older sister died, his father died, his child  the child with me and him died, his mother soon will be die too she quadriplegia and end stage kidney failure. And if I die too. Who is he leaving behind? He said he will die with me, because on the other side has his father, his child, has me, and we be a family again. Can it be his PTSD and depression talking?

He said if I die before him, my ashes will be with him by his side just like our child ashes with him.

My husband whom 39 (which is not old for a man), and he already have a Will sign in front of his lawyer. And he already Prepaid for his own cremation, arranged with the funeral director, once he die he wants to be cremate and mix his ashes with me and our child together three of us, and scatter it. He does not want to be buried.

His will actually very straightforward. If he die first, all his assets and his everything he has all go to me. He didn't name anyone else beside me.
But if I die first, if I die before him, he already has a lawyer to take care of his assets (donate to children brain disease research due to our child died of brain disease), and in his will he state the funeral director (he already Prepaid) will cremate him, and mix his ashes with mine and our child and scatter it.

He has his own lawyer that witness, he sign the will in front of his lawyer. I was there too when he got the will done in front of his lawyer. The will is in the Safety Deposit box in the bank, where both me and him has access to the Safety Deposit box.

What is going on with my husband? Can this be his PTSD and depression? It like he in a tremendous amount of grief and pain due to he one by one loss all his blood immediate family. I'm trying to get him to a grief therapist, but he not want to go. So I am still trying, 

[Coily]

Wow. you tow have been through a lot in a very short period of time.

While I think your husband would do well to speak to a mental health professional, it's not a silver bullet. It really comes down to what emotional burden is your husband willing to shoulder.  Can I ask what culture your husband is from, as yours is Chinese; I can't help wonder where things differ.

I know from your previous post that your husband is very duty focused. Which while many could see as admirable, you see the stress that it puts him under.  I think shifting to a listening focus is the first step you need to take.

I think the best first steps you need to take is to listen to your husband, you don't need to agree with him; but you need to listen to push him in the directions he needs.

I know I don't have anything but limited answers; as you two have gone through a lot. But please post a lot, not for us to analyze; but so you can seek self reflection. Perhaps you should look into a journal?

We are all here for you, in our limited capacity.

[SophiaG]

I'm so sorry you went through all these grave losses. Your husband sounds like a very loving, sensitive, devoted person. His type unfortunately also suffers the most from losing loved ones.

Given the recency of some of these events I think it's natural he's still processing those feelings. It's not necessarily unhealthy to cry or keep your child's ashes like he does, though I will be concerned about his lack of motivation to live other than for you. You are young and healthy - were/are you planning to have more children? Does your husband have a career or hobbies he loves? Is there anything else in his life that makes him happy?

I wouldn't be too worried about him having a will and making estate arrangements. It's actually a good thing for young people to do in case accidents happen. He is lucky to have a caring wife (you) who is trying to better understand and help him. If he's not willing to try therapy (which may or may not help) you can focus on being present and supportive and creating more positive experience and happy moments for you both.

[yogacat]

None of us here can properly diagnose your husband and he's experienced so much loss and trauma, he really could benefit from outside support. A grief therapist would be ideal, as they can help him work through his loss and cope with his emotions. It does sound like he may be experiencing PTSD and/or depression, but again, only a professional can diagnose him accurately. 

Have you thought about looking into a caregiving support group for yourself? You have been through a lot as well and need support. 

In the meantime, just be there for your husband, listen to his feelings without judging or trying to fix them.

Encourage him to seek help, but ultimately it will be his decision. Take care of yourself as well.

[been14years]

Thank you @Coily and thank you Mrs @yogacat

Mrs  @SophiaG

My husband has a good career, workaholic even. He has a University Master degree in Chemical Engineering at the age of 23, he is 39 now, he been working in his job field for 16 years.

He makes good income, over 200K a year, but California tax is high, so his after tax take home income is 185K a year. But 150K of that go straight to his mom Private Nursing home and medical care since she had her stroke. This is another topic, I even had a thread about this: https://www.enotalone.com/topic/460392-husband-manhood-pride-he-rather-sacrifice-quality-time-with-me

 

As for his hobbies, he likes outdoor shooting range for his tactical shotguns and riffles hobby. He also like archery bow and arrow.

He also run long distance and marathon, he can run for hours without get tired, while I can't run for few minutes to save my life.

He also like hunting, during season he hunt, and donate the venison meat to hunger programs so the poor has meat to eat. He does not eat red meat. Can't join him, I don't like hunting, or guns.

He also like mountain climbing with ropes, his SUV drive up to the mountain and does mountain climbing with his rope gears. Sorry, I can't rock climbing let alone mountain climbing. This hobby I can't join with him.

All that make him happy. He seems normal to me, he overwork himself, work 80 hours that is alot of hours, not by choice, explain that in the thread I link above.

Anyhoo, it just alot of things going on at once, I'm just overwhelmed

[yogacat]

24 minutes ago, been14years said:

Thank you @Coily and thank you Mrs @yogacat

Mrs  @SophiaG

My husband has a good career, workaholic even. He has a University Master degree in Chemical Engineering at the age of 23, he is 39 now, he been working in his job field for 16 years.

He makes good income, over 200K a year, but California tax is high, so his after tax take home income is 185K a year. But 150K of that go straight to his mom Private Nursing home and medical care since she had her stroke. This is another topic, I even had a thread about this: https://www.enotalone.com/topic/460392-husband-manhood-pride-he-rather-sacrifice-quality-time-with-me

 

As for his hobbies, he likes outdoor shooting range for his tactical shotguns and riffles hobby. He also like archery bow and arrow.

He also run long distance and marathon, he can run for hours without get tired, while I can't run for few minutes to save my life.

He also like hunting, during season he hunt, and donate the venison meat to hunger programs so the poor has meat to eat. He does not eat red meat. Can't join him, I don't like hunting, or guns.

He also like mountain climbing with ropes, his SUV drive up to the mountain and does mountain climbing with his rope gears. Sorry, I can't rock climbing let alone mountain climbing. This hobby I can't join with him.

All that make him happy. He seems normal to me, he overwork himself, work 80 hours that is alot of hours, not by choice, explain that in the thread I link above.

Anyhoo, it just alot of things going on at once, I'm just overwhelmed

Anyone in your position would be. Your husband is working himself into the ground it seems to help his aging mother. Did she have long term care insurance? Is this a USA issue that there is no alternative to long term care? I hope you will be able to find a solution for this situation. It seems this medical crisis/permanent stroke of MIL has struck quite a bit.

I understand that part, my father suffered a stroke that left him paralyzed and my siblings and I refuse to put him into a nursing home, he doesn't have enough financial resources  to hire private care so I had him come live with me temporarily. It took a good toll on me and I have/had to make sure to carve in hours for exercise and personal development and carve out time for family, friends and hobbies.

As for alternatives to long term care, there are various options such as home health care, adult day care, and assisted living facilities. However, they can be expensive and may not always be feasible depending on an individual's financial situation.

I hope that your husband is also able to find balance between work and his hobbies, and also make time for his own mental and physical well-being. It's not easy to juggle multiple responsibilities and commitments.

I really feel for you. Your husband is running himself ragged to pay for his mothers care. It sounds like you could lose him physically if he doesn't have time to unwind and is stretched to his max. So sad for both of you. Is there not a sibling of husband who can help here? Even if husband splits costs down the middle, you have 0 free time left for husband? It does sound overwhelming and many people will cave under such stress.

[been14years]

@yogacat

 

Answer that in that thread of mine, I think the situation with his mom can be take back to that thread. But I answer here again. But things about his mom can be comment in that thread.

His mom does have Health insurance which cover her Dialysis and Hospital stay, and see specialists, medicines and treatments.
BUT

Her Health insurance does NOT cover LONG TERM ongoing care for many years span like PRIVATE Nursing Home. When you have your own private room, and one to one care with doctors and nurses, and a team of nurses full time around the clock care for your mom 24/7, that is "Private" Nursing home, which is all on you.

There no Health insurance that will fork out 150K a year to cover Private Nursing home for you, if you want that much around the clock care for your mom, you pay for it.

There are Assistance living facilities for elderly, but my husband does NOT want her there, he wants a team of nurses care for her around the clock as she 1) she quadriplegic paralyze since her stroke, and 2) she had kidney failure that required Dialysis 4x times a week.

It not about the money at all, as I have my father inheritance (explain that in that thread too), it about he needs to balance out, him, his long hours work, his health, him as a filial son to her, but also a husband to me.

[been14years]

If I can vent this here. My husband still blame himself 5 years later, for agreed with me at the time to choose the DNR order. 

Brain disease run in my side of family, my father died of end stage progressive brain disease. My child got brain disease from me as I'm the baby's mother, inherit from me the maternal side, this has nothing to do with my husband.

We was told by the neurosurgeons that our child won't live pass 2 years old.

The surgeons in the hospital asked us (as parents) about our choice of Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) for our child.

You know CPR and Cardioversion, the heart stimulating electric shocks to the heart. Because CPR and Cardioversion can cause injuries when perform, like broken ribs and heart damage, causing even more pain for a child. Plus the surgeons told us our child will NOT pass 2 years old.

Me as a mother choose Do Not Resuscitate (DNR). My husband at the time also agreed to because he not want CPR and Cardioversion electric shocks to the heart which can cause broken ribs and intense pain for our child.

Our child did die and there was no attempt of resuscitate as we had the Do Not Resuscitate.

5 years later my husband still BLAME himself for the DNR order, he never blame me because he said I'm as a mother has every rights to choose DNR,
BUT he said he as a father has every rights not to agree to that, but he did back then, so now he has to live with this guilt for the rest of his life.

He said had he choose Resuscitate instead, our child probably still has a chance, but my husband not get it, the surgeons told us our child will NOT live pass 2 years old.

I know he still blame himself and his guilt for agreed to the DNR, perhaps I am just a cold blood and put in DNR for my child.

I know this is his grief, he has to solve this on his own, I just don't know how to get him to stop blame himself for this, he lives in the guilt that our child died because of him agree to the Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) order.
BUT then brain disease our child inherited from me the mother side here. I don't know how to get my husband to understand that our child died is not because of he agreed to the DNR.

I don't know how to get through him. I know this guilt of his is eating him up everyday inside.

 

[TeeDee]

The cutting is at best a cry for help.  At worse it's an attempted suicide. 

He has a lot on his plate but you can't force somebody into therapy.  If he makes another real attempt to kill himself you can & should talk to his doctor & ask that person to involuntarily commit him. 

I am sorry for all the losses in your life.  Your husband is struggling.  For now just love him. Hold him when he cries.  Do your best to take things off his plate because if I remember correctly you don't work outside the home

[yogacat]

I don't have any advice but I do want to share with you a story.

My cousin lost her brother young in a car accident and she felt guilty for letting him go out that night (she cut his hair that evening and he was headed out late to meet with friends 1.5 hour drive away. She cautioned him about going, plus it was raining heavy, but he went anyway).

She spent years wondering if she could have prevented his death, but eventually came to accept that it was out of her control. Despite going through a range of emotions, she finally realized that his death was not intentional and it could have happened in many other ways. No matter how much she replays the events in her mind, the truth is that he is gone. 

I think only time will help your husband. 

Try to support your husband and hold space for his emotions. Allow him to grieve and process his feelings in his own time. It's okay to feel guilty.

Grief and guilt often go hand in hand.

He just needs time and support to come to terms with what happened and find peace.

The doctors were the ones who gave you the prognosis and it wasn't just a "maybe." It was a strong likelihood that your child wouldn't survive past 2 years old. You both had your child's best interests at heart and made the best choice you could with the information you had.

Please take care of yourself. Seek support for yourself as well. You can't pour from an empty cup.

(((Hugs)))

🙏

[been14years]

On 9/9/2024 at 5:13 PM, Coily said:

Wow. you tow have been through a lot in a very short period of time.

While I think your husband would do well to speak to a mental health professional, it's not a silver bullet. It really comes down to what emotional burden is your husband willing to shoulder.  Can I ask what culture your husband is from, as yours is Chinese; I can't help wonder where things differ.

I know from your previous post that your husband is very duty focused. Which while many could see as admirable, you see the stress that it puts him under.  I think shifting to a listening focus is the first step you need to take.

I think the best first steps you need to take is to listen to your husband, you don't need to agree with him; but you need to listen to push him in the directions he needs.

 

Hi Sir, or Mrs/Ms Coily, I want to answer your question and can I vent on this.

My husband he from a small Tribe in West Africa, he 100% West African. He not mix in any way, he pitch black charcoal color skin. The darkest man you ever see unless you step foot on West Africa.

There nothing wrong with my husband personality or career, he has a University Master degree in Chemical Engineering, and he makes 6-figures. His only fault is he not Chinese hence my mother hate him.

My mother not like him it because he not Chinese, and my mother whom very traditional Chinese culture, she must choose my husband for me, even matchmaker me with Chinese men.

Both my parents (mom and dad) never show up at my wedding, until my mother died she still not accept my husband.

I have zero regret married my husband, I choose him over and over again, because he treats me really well, there no guarantee a Chinese husband my mother choose for me will treats me as well as my husband treats me.

Both my parents passed away already. I did get inheritance (as my dad was a businessman). I do want to use my inheritance to help with my husband mom situation (her Private Nursing home and medical care), so my husband not have to carry the heavy shoulders of his mom quadriplegia paralyze care. 

But his manhood pride is too much, he said the inheritance is the money that my parents leave for me, he will not touch a penny. 

Perhaps it more than just his manhood pride, perhaps he not want to use help of the money of the people that never once accept him as a son in-law solely because he not Chinese.

[SophiaG]

13 hours ago, been14years said:

Perhaps it more than just his manhood pride, perhaps he not want to use help of the money of the people that never once accept him as a son in-law solely because he not Chinese.

So sorry to hear that. Yes, your husband may be stubborn on this issue also from his own cultural perspective just like your family refusing to accept him (not saying they are right or justified in any way). Sounds like you need to find other ways to support him at least for now. Can you use some of your money here and there for household expenses or your dating activities to supplement his income?