opinions please!

[wiley666]

jesus internet, how many activities do you want me to do? im not a hermit and take part in lots of group activities.

i dont consider myself to be "with" this guy, hes a very old friend whose been really good to me in the past and is the only person who didnt desert me when i got sick.

i dont know the dynamics of their relationship but from what ive seen, its a little controlling and they are already in therapy together. the polyamory was driven by his gf and i am possibly a retaliation to that. 

none of you know how i conduct my life or who i am as a person so comments about my character are not appropriate

[wiley666]

On 9/10/2024 at 9:02 PM, DarkCh0c0 said:

Well, you are very desperate and your bar is so low.

A man who cheats and lies is not even friend material.

I recommend you ditch him and start joining social events and classes. You can recharge your social battery without it being on the expense of other people.

Otherwise, sure. Stay with him and settle for being always someone's second choice and doormat. 

this is a cruel and unneccessary assumption of my character

[yogacat]

4 hours ago, wiley666 said:

im sorry but you should probably consider who is receiving the comments you make before you make them?

im currently in a psychiatric hospital and being called desperate and having a bar that is "so low" is not particularly helpful (neither is it for anyone in any situation)

@wiley666

If you have some mental health issues where you need to take care of yourself immediately, maybe it is not such a good idea to continue with this complication?

Sometimes when we are low, we cling on to something that we feel good about but which isn't good for us.

What I'm trying to say is, yes, this situation isn't what it should be, and others might look down on you for it. But if you feel that at this moment this is what you want and what you need, well, I'm not going to judge you for it.

Just be aware of the possible consequences that might stem from such an arrangement, if it remains in the dark. All you know, he lies to you about open relationships and just plain has an affair on his girlfriend.

Are you comfortable being the other woman in that situation? I don't know what to say regarding your "friendship" with this man, because sleeping with someone is a pretty intimate and personal activity. Honestly, do you feel sure this guy is really your friend and not just a person whom you sleep with from time to time?

[ShySoul]

4 hours ago, wiley666 said:

the polyamory was driven by his gf and i am possibly a retaliation to that. 

Do you feel comfortable knowing you might be a weapon being used against another person, a tool to prove something to her or get back at her?

I'm not trying to judge you or tell you what to do. You should make the choice that is right for you. None of us here knows the details of what is happening. None of us are feeling all the conflicting emotions that must be going on in your mind and heart right now. So I, at least, won't assume anything.

What I can see is a person who admits to having mental health issues and who is torn and conflicted over a sexual relationship with a guy who is spoken for. I see someone who is questioning if continuing is the right thing to do, especially as the girlfriend isn't even aware of the situation. And I see a guy who won't be honest about it with his girlfriend.

Just my opinion, but if this was a good arrangement for you, one that made you feel better, you wouldn't be questioning it. Sex should be something you enter into with no doubts, no fears, no qualms. It should be something you fully enjoy with no regrets. That you are having regrets might be a sign that it's not helping or fulfilling you. It's keeping you tied to a situation that is hurting your emotional state and keeping you from really being happy. 

I am sure you have lots going on in your life. I am sure things are good in other areas. But something is bothering you if you are in a psychiatric hospital. All I'm saying is that in this one area, it might be beneficial to let go of something that has not proven to help you. I'm not even saying he can't be a friend or you have to let him go. But letting go of the arrangement would probably be for the best.

[MissCanuck]

13 hours ago, wiley666 said:

i dont know the dynamics of their relationship but from what ive seen, its a little controlling and they are already in therapy together. the polyamory was driven by his gf and i am possibly a retaliation to that.

Why choose to involve yourself in their mess? 

I still think this guy is not being totally honest with you. I would not count him among my "friends", personally. He is someone I would avoid. 

This is especially pertinent if your own mental health isn't great. Making choices like this is self-destructive, as I'm sure you realize. 

[wiley666]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Why choose to involve yourself in their mess? 

I still think this guy is not being totally honest with you. I would not count him among my "friends", personally. He is someone I would avoid. 

This is especially pertinent if your own mental health isn't great. Making choices like this is self-destructive, as I'm sure you realize. 

[wiley666]

well clearly i dont know that its self-destructive or i wouldnt be here :') 

"tis not enough your council still be true, blunt truths more mischief than wise falsehoods do"

[MissCanuck]

How long have you known he had girlfriend and thatt he wanted to keep you a secret? 

You're not clueless, I assume. You have known for a while this was not a good idea. 

[ShySoul]

6 hours ago, wiley666 said:

well clearly i dont know that its self-destructive or i wouldnt be here :') 

"tis not enough your council still be true, blunt truths more mischief than wise falsehoods do"

If you thought everything was fine you wouldn't be asking questions here. That you are indicates a part of you sees something about this is bad for you.

These situations rarely work out well for anyone involved. In my opinion, the best think is to stop and let him work it out with his girlfriend. But I'm not you and I'm not in your shoes. 

None of us knows what is best for you. The decision on what to do is yours. Pick the option that you believe will cause you the least harm.

 

[yogacat]

7 hours ago, wiley666 said:

well clearly i dont know that its self-destructive or i wouldnt be here :') 

Your initial question asked for help on the "morality" of the situation. If he has a girlfriend that has no knowledge of your sexual relationship with her boyfriend, then you are knowingly participating in this situation without considering the consequences for both yourself and the girlfriend. 

You also seem to be condoning his lack of communication and honesty with his girlfriend.

I understand you want to keep him as a friend because you feel he has been an important friend in your life. You can do that without carrying on a sexual relationship.

[shouldhavelearned]

A friend 

 

Maybe a friend in the past.

 

Doesn't sound like a good friend now

[Jaunty]

Since you're in a psychiatric hospital, I'm assuming that you are not currently carrying on your sexual relationship with this guy or having to deal with hanging around with either him or his girlfriend in person.

Why not take advantage of this break from your social chaos to reassess who and what you want to spend your energy on?

[wiley666]

dont condone the behaviour, but i can understand the two sides of the coin.

 

yeah i am taking the time to reset and think. thanks 

[MissCanuck]

16 hours ago, wiley666 said:

dont condone the behaviour

Well, you do, or you wouldn't be actively contributing to it. 

If you didn't condone it on some level, you wouldn't have gotten involved to begin with. It really is that simple. 

You can make a change, though, and demand better for yourself. You deserve a guy who wants to be with you and only you, not some shady guy who's pretty clearly having his cake and eating it too.