wiley666 Posted September 9 Share Posted September 9 so ive been sleeping with a guy who ive known for ages for about a year now, every 2 weeks to every 3 months. weve known each other for years and we both had crushes on each other but were kinda scared to open pandoras box ive known he has a girlfriend throughout, but also that they are in an open relationship (on feeld etc. ) the wierd thing is though the guy hasnt slept with anyone else but me and the gf, and they dont talk about it at all (says he) ive met her and she does *not* like me, obviously trys to push me out of group convos/gatherings, "doesnt" hear me etc. i asked if he could tell her (id be hurt if my bf had been sleeping with a girl he used to like for over a year w?o saying) but said "if i tell her i know she wont let me see you again" idk it all seems f`*ing weird so, halp on the morality of the sitch pls! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeeDee Posted September 9 Share Posted September 9 I can't speak to the morality of the situation because the whole thing sounds wonky to me. The GF's existence, open relationship or not, would have caused me to take a pass on the whole thing. I don't know how you can be around her or them knowing you & him are keeping this big secret from her. I couldn't lie that much or keep a straight face to someone I know. Only you know if you are open to these continuing bread crumbs. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuthenticSelf Posted September 9 Share Posted September 9 From what I see, you have conflict between him telling her about you or not. If he does not tell his gf, it seems f*ing weird, halp of the morality of sitch. If he tells his gf, she won't let him seeing you again. Is that the right summary? If so, what result would you like to happen? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post yogacat Posted September 9 Popular Post Share Posted September 9 How do you know he hasn't been sleeping with anyone else? Because he said so? They have an open relationship but she doesn't know about you? That's a red flag. The whole point of an open relationship is open communication and honesty. If she's not aware of you, then the open relationship is not truly open. Sounds like you are enabling their false understanding of the open relationship. Technically he's cheating and you're the unknowing party to an affair. Secondly, is not consenting for you to be part of her open relationship. As for morality, that's on you. You know he has a girlfriend that doesn't know about you. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shouldhavelearned Posted September 10 Share Posted September 10 Sounds like he's the winner in this whole thing. Not sure why you want to hang around with both of them at the same time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post MissCanuck Posted September 10 Popular Post Share Posted September 10 7 hours ago, wiley666 said: idk it all seems f`*ing weird so, halp on the morality of the sitch pls! Well, it appears he's probably lying to both of you. I doubt his relationship is as "open" as he claims. It sure doesn't sound like it. I also wouldn't be so quick to believe you are the only one he's sleeping with, either. It seems much more likely that he's just cheating on her, and she's suspicious that you are one of his flings, so she doesn't want you around. No wonder. What are you getitng out of this arrangement, exactly? Is the sex with this guy really worth the drama? I would be turned off by a man like this. 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted September 10 Share Posted September 10 7 hours ago, yogacat said: The whole point of an open relationship is open communication and honesty. If she's not aware of you, then the open relationship is not truly open. Exactly what I was going to say. If an open relationship has any chance to work out, it has to truly be open. Both people need to be fully aware of what the other is doing and who they are seeing. They need to communicate and be okay with what is happening. That isn't the case here. He admits that she is not okay with. If it was truly open, why would he automatically say she wouldn't like it and forbid him from seeing you? That seems pretty closed to me. You've already opened pandora's box by being together in the first place. The "right" thing to do is to deal with consequences. If you continue then you will be doing something that you both know hurts her and she would not be okay with. Is that something you want on your conscience? He should deal with his relationship, figure out if they really want to be together. As the other woman, you need to be strong enough to let it go and realize that in continuing, no one is going to come out a winner. Respect yourself enough to not be involved for now. Maybe things will change and you'll have an opportunity to be with him down the road. Or maybe you'll think again about being with someone who would cheat on a partner. Whatever may happen in the future, now is not the right time or circumstances for you to be with him. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post smackie9 Posted September 10 Popular Post Share Posted September 10 This is blowing smoke up yer a$$. They are not in an open relationship. She obviously has no clue you two are sleeping together but can see there is closeness between you. I'm sure he's lying to her about your situation. You are being a damn fool. He's playing the both of you. He doesn't give a rat's butt about anything but himself. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted September 10 Share Posted September 10 My question is, why would you want to a part of these deceitful dealings? You're placing yourself in the line of fire, while knowing this won't end well. Your call... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wiley666 Posted September 10 Author Share Posted September 10 19 hours ago, AuthenticSelf said: From what I see, you have conflict between him telling her about you or not. If he does not tell his gf, it seems f*ing weird, halp of the morality of sitch. If he tells his gf, she won't let him seeing you again. Is that the right summary? If so, what result would you like to happen? nah, so i want her to know ( i personally dont know her at all) but i think that would be the right thing to do he wont tell her because he doesnt want to be cut off from me if you get me im just enabling him i think... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wiley666 Posted September 10 Author Share Posted September 10 12 hours ago, ShySoul said: Exactly what I was going to say. If an open relationship has any chance to work out, it has to truly be open. Both people need to be fully aware of what the other is doing and who they are seeing. They need to communicate and be okay with what is happening. That isn't the case here. He admits that she is not okay with. If it was truly open, why would he automatically say she wouldn't like it and forbid him from seeing you? That seems pretty closed to me. You've already opened pandora's box by being together in the first place. The "right" thing to do is to deal with consequences. If you continue then you will be doing something that you both know hurts her and she would not be okay with. Is that something you want on your conscience? He should deal with his relationship, figure out if they really want to be together. As the other woman, you need to be strong enough to let it go and realize that in continuing, no one is going to come out a winner. Respect yourself enough to not be involved for now. Maybe things will change and you'll have an opportunity to be with him down the road. Or maybe you'll think again about being with someone who would cheat on a partner. Whatever may happen in the future, now is not the right time or circumstances for you to be with him. 3 hours ago, smackie9 said: This is blowing smoke up yer a$$. They are not in an open relationship. She obviously has no clue you two are sleeping together but can see there is closeness between you. I'm sure he's lying to her about your situation. You are being a damn fool. He's playing the both of you. He doesn't give a rat's butt about anything but himself. i personally dont feel like its my responsibility to tell her, i dont know her and weve only briefly met 3 times and it was very awkward. if i had her phone number, i would tell her. but that would mean giving up a close friend who (despite his obvious flaws) i deeply care for. i know im being played and hes just ***-thinking, but we do have a genuine friendship outside of that. i dont want to hurt him or her by telling her if you get what i mean and i also dont want to lose a friend... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted September 10 Share Posted September 10 6 minutes ago, wiley666 said: i personally dont feel like its my responsibility to tell her, i dont know her and weve only briefly met 3 times and it was very awkward. if i had her phone number, i would tell her. but that would mean giving up a close friend who (despite his obvious flaws) i deeply care for. i know im being played and hes just ***-thinking, but we do have a genuine friendship outside of that. i dont want to hurt him or her by telling her if you get what i mean and i also dont want to lose a friend... Instead of interfering by telling her, why not just stop seeing him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wiley666 Posted September 10 Author Share Posted September 10 Just now, yogacat said: Instead of interfering by telling her, why not just stop seeing him? hes my friend, i dont have many/im lonely. We dont like intend to sleep with each other it just always seems to happen... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted September 10 Share Posted September 10 I agree it's not your place to tell her, but common girl you can do better than this for yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SophiaG Posted September 10 Share Posted September 10 I'm sorry, you already lost him as a friend or he was never a real friend to begin with. Step away before this gets even messier and make better friends. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted September 10 Share Posted September 10 1 hour ago, wiley666 said: hes my friend, i dont have many/im lonely Well, you are very desperate and your bar is so low. A man who cheats and lies is not even friend material. I recommend you ditch him and start joining social events and classes. You can recharge your social battery without it being on the expense of other people. Otherwise, sure. Stay with him and settle for being always someone's second choice and doormat. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuthenticSelf Posted September 10 Share Posted September 10 2 hours ago, wiley666 said: nah, so i want her to know ( i personally dont know her at all) but i think that would be the right thing to do he wont tell her because he doesnt want to be cut off from me if you get me im just enabling him i think... OK, so you think that would be the right thing to do for her to know. What will you be able to do if she knows? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted September 11 Share Posted September 11 7 hours ago, wiley666 said: hes my friend, i dont have many/im lonely. We dont like intend to sleep with each other it just always seems to happen... He's taking advantage of that feeling of being alone. He knows how you feel, knows you will both give in, so he has no reason to change anything. After you sleep with him, how do you feel? Still alone. You feel hurt by his actions and feel bad for doing something you know in your heart you shouldn't be doing. And you feel bad for hurting her. The momentary joy you feel from doing this won't outweight the damage it's doing to everyone in the long run. A triangle like this is never easy. I understand just how much you care for him, how much his friendship means to you, even without the sex. But as it stands, you can't really have anything with him. It's not a relationship if has girlfriend and can't fully commit to you. It's not really a friendship if there are more feelings there. It's stuck in a limbo that will never satisfy you or make you happy. You don't have to stop being friends, if you can find a way to control yourself from wanting more. Stand firm and not give into those feelings. But if you find yourself unable to do that, then you need to put a pause on the friendship. You need to remove yourself from something that is just causing you more hurt and lonely feelings. You need to let him sort things out with his girlfriend. You know you need to stop. That's why it's weighing on you so much. But the struggle is with your heart, with the feelings that have developed. That's difficult to work through. But you are strong and can do it. Love yourself and find another way to fill that lonliness. This situation won't help you in the long run. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted September 11 Share Posted September 11 11 hours ago, wiley666 said: i know im being played and hes just ***-thinking, but we do have a genuine friendship outside of that. i Do you not see how contradictory these two statements are? This tool is not your friend, and you won't be able to keep hiim as a friend once his girlfriend finds out for sure that he's cheating on her. See how much he values this friendship then. You will be left in the dust, sis. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaunty Posted September 11 Share Posted September 11 No, he's not your friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeeDee Posted Wednesday at 08:03 PM Share Posted Wednesday at 08:03 PM On 9/10/2024 at 2:06 PM, wiley666 said: i know im being played and hes just ***-thinking, but we do have a genuine friendship outside of that. i dont want to hurt him or her by telling her if you get what i mean and i also dont want to lose a friend... But he's not really your friend. A good friend wouldn't put you in this position. If you disconnect from him you don't really lose anything of value. He's doesn't care about hurting you so why are you hurting yourself by putting up with it? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrina Posted Wednesday at 09:48 PM Share Posted Wednesday at 09:48 PM On 9/10/2024 at 2:15 PM, wiley666 said: hes my friend, i dont have many/im lonely. We dont like intend to sleep with each other it just always seems to happen... You made the decision to change a friendship into a dirty little secret. You can't undo what's been done. Any relationship that has to be a secret is wrong. I'm going to guess that your self-worth is so low that the only way you thought you'd hang onto him is to appease him with sex. Desperation will only attract toxic predators. But the good thing is that there's always room fro improvement. It's time for major changes in your life. Better to leave what is no longer friendship behind you to work on what you really want in life. Block him. He could care less he's wasting your time and hurting any chances for you to find a decent guy. Friendships take work. It's finding new ways to meet people while infusing your life with fun and enjoyment. Begin a new hobby. Volunteer at a zoo or museum. Take dance lessons. You won't find new friend sitting at home or just going to bars (not that you do, but giving examples). It'll take time to get your life where you want it be, but that's okay and realistic. It's better than spending year upon year as a sidepiece. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted Wednesday at 11:40 PM Share Posted Wednesday at 11:40 PM On 9/9/2024 at 2:37 PM, wiley666 said: I asked if he could tell her (id be hurt if my bf had been sleeping with a girl he used to like for over a year w?o saying) but said "if i tell her i know she wont let me see you again" 100% agree with others however this ^^ wasn't addressed, so am now. What in bloody hell ??!! She won't "let" him see you again? What is she his prison warden or dare I say "mother"? Does he need to get her permission on other things? I dunno this irked me, sounds like an utter pansy and question how you could even be attracted to him, as a friend, FWB or anything else. That said, agree with others, no he is not in an open relationship, no he is not a friend and since YOU are allowing this and believing his nonsense, yes he is playing you. I'm sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted Thursday at 03:45 AM Share Posted Thursday at 03:45 AM I know a couple who had an actual open relationship. One person was able to remain friends with someone they had been intimate with even after that stopped. So, it is possible. I'm not going to assume he is just using you. Yes, he is lying and taking advantage of a situation. But there could be other reasons then just wanting to sleep with you. We don't know what is going on behind closed doors with the girlfriend. And we don't know just how close your friendship has been before the sleeping together started. You may very well be good friends, true friends in every other regard. Unfortunately, this situation is going to make you feel worse as long as it goes on. So you need to decide what is right for you. The sex should stop. He needs to work things out with his partner first. From there it's up to you to decide if you can still be friends without giving into the temptation. If he does care about and value you, he will want the best for you and respect whatever decision you make. And if he cares for his girlfriend, he will stop and focus on her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wiley666 Posted Saturday at 06:01 PM Author Share Posted Saturday at 06:01 PM 3 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said: Well, you are very desperate and your bar is so low. A man who cheats and lies is not even friend material. I recommend you ditch him and start joining social events and classes. You can recharge your social battery without it being on the expense of other people. Otherwise, sure. Stay with him and settle for being always someone's second choice and doormat. im sorry but you should probably consider who is receiving the comments you make before you make them? im currently in a psychiatric hospital and being called desperate and having a bar that is "so low" is not particularly helpful (neither is it for anyone in any situation) On 9/10/2024 at 6:47 AM, ShySoul said: Exactly what I was going to say. If an open relationship has any chance to work out, it has to truly be open. Both people need to be fully aware of what the other is doing and who they are seeing. They need to communicate and be okay with what is happening. That isn't the case here. He admits that she is not okay with. If it was truly open, why would he automatically say she wouldn't like it and forbid him from seeing you? That seems pretty closed to me. You've already opened pandora's box by being together in the first place. The "right" thing to do is to deal with consequences. If you continue then you will be doing something that you both know hurts her and she would not be okay with. Is that something you want on your conscience? He should deal with his relationship, figure out if they really want to be together. As the other woman, you need to be strong enough to let it go and realize that in continuing, no one is going to come out a winner. Respect yourself enough to not be involved for now. Maybe things will change and you'll have an opportunity to be with him down the road. Or maybe you'll think again about being with someone who would cheat on a partner. Whatever may happen in the future, now is not the right time or circumstances for you to be with him. On 9/9/2024 at 11:26 PM, yogacat said: How do you know he hasn't been sleeping with anyone else? Because he said so? They have an open relationship but she doesn't know about you? That's a red flag. The whole point of an open relationship is open communication and honesty. If she's not aware of you, then the open relationship is not truly open. Sounds like you are enabling their false understanding of the open relationship. Technically he's cheating and you're the unknowing party to an affair. Secondly, is not consenting for you to be part of her open relationship. As for morality, that's on you. You know he has a girlfriend that doesn't know about you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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