Anxiety Getting in the Way of Casual Dating

[PixieManiac]

Hello everyone.

I’ve put myself in a bit of a situation that is entirely avoidable, but I just don’t exactly know how to fix it or help myself.

 

I’m going to try to explain to the best of my ability in as short of a post as I can. 

 

I’m 32 and I’ve had boyfriends. Most of which have been through long distance or online dating. Partially because I found it easier for me to get to know someone that way and it gave me a break from social settings that were for a while causing a great deal of anxiety. My last boyfriend was long distance, we met and it was all fine, but there were some red flags towards the end and since I haven’t attempted to date or even entertain the idea of it.

 

I currently live at home with my parents and two older sisters. It’s due to unfortunate circumstances for all of us, but that’s had also made dating hard/nonexistent for me.

 

A few weeks ago after realizing if I don’t take that step and get back into being social I will end up losing the ability and this anxiety will remain or even get stronger, so I downloaded some dating apps and met someone pretty quickly. We went out and after the date he wasn’t very talkative. Turns out I wasn’t confident enough for him. I did explain to him my anxiety, lack of experience as of lately, and how this was a big step for me. It kind of crushed me, but I realized it was a first and I just haven’t to try again. 

 

I met another person, and instead of going out, I went to their place to have dinner. It went really well and he wanted a second date. So I went back, we had snacks and watched shows and it was really nice. Something happened though and I was mortified and fully expected him to not want to see me again, but he did and wants to make a fancier dinner for me. He’s been very sweet, but also not very responsive. I asked him about that and he mentioned that if he doesn’t respond it’s never because he’s annoyed or doesn’t want to talk, but because he’s busy or distracted. 

The problem is me though. I tend to get in my head way too much and I think between the first date and being told I lack confidence, feeling the lack of confidence and wondering why this guy seems to continue to want to see me, and going so long without dating in person, I just don’t know if what I’m feeling or what I’m experiencing is normal.

 

I was telling a friend that I’ve gotten so used to black and white when it comes to talking to people because online that’s really the only options it seems. Socially awkward people meeting other socially awkward people can go from 0 to 100 very quickly and with dating or attempting to date in person, it seems like a lot of gray area. I want to text this guy nonstop honestly, but that’s not realistic. I want reassurance, but I know that’s way too much up front. 

 

I just don’t know how to navigate this and get out my head so I can enjoy the fact that I’m even getting out and realize that it just may not work out. I might meet 50 guys and only one may be the one, you know? 

 

Also, I would typically talk these things through with my therapist, but she left the office I was going to and there are no other in office therapists to see, so I haven’t been able to do that in about a month and a half. I’m trying to work on these things. I’m just getting in my own way. 

[TeeDee]

Have you considered therapy to address your anxiety?  You have to get this under control if you want any quality of life.  

For safety reasons never go to somebody's house that you met online on a 1st date!  At a minimum it's usually a signal that you are DTF & only want casual.  You are very lucky these men didn't assault you or rob you.   Meet for coffee in a well lit place for 1st meeting / dates. 

From a confidence builder, do not disclosure your anxiety.  These new people have not yet proved themselves worthy of such a confidence about your medical conditions.  They are also not therapists.  Just hush & learn to power through.  Fake confidence until you learn to develop some but stop giving strangers such intimate details about your life.  

[PixieManiac]

I mentioned towards the end of the post that I would go to therapy normally to talk about these things, but my in person therapist left the office I was going to and they don’t have another in person. I’ve tried virtual and it never seems to work for me. I’ve been looking for another therapist in my network for about a month now. 
 

You’re absolutely right about the first meeting. I know I shouldn’t have, but I was excited about the opportunity to have dinner made for me since I’ve never had that before. 
 

As far as the first guy, I think I got comfortable too quickly so I did talk about those things, but the second guy actually brought it up first. I made a point to be casual and he mentioned he likes to cook and that he does it to alleviate anxiety. He’s talked to me about his own therapy and I didn’t go in depth on my own anxiety issues, but I let him know that I understand how it feels. 
 

The first date really rattled my confidence, I think. 

[yogacat]

I think you just have to get used to it with more IRL experience but this is a nice start. You're used to 0 - 100 texts but IRL it's much slower paced, and more feels based than text based.

There is no way to get used to things without repeated exposure.

Try little things that make you anxious little by little. 

You'll get there mate. You're just not used to it and it will take time and incremental experiences.

But don't let your anxiety thrust you into the throes of texting him like crazy. You obviously don't want to do it and you correctly know that it's smothering behavior (unless he's responsive, in which case, text away but he already said that he doesn't prefer that style.)

I would try to organize your dates more in advance and know that on this or that day you will be seeing him. That way you know you can relax a bit. Also exercising will help you too. Non-negotiable.

You're already getting into that kind of gray area by going to his house so soon so it's the onus of you to pace yourself through the gray area.

That's all the advice I have.

But honestly, you are doing so well. Sometimes I feel I can't even give anyone relationship advice because the hardest part of a relationship is meeting people in the first place. You've already done that, well done!

Keep stepping out of your zones little by little and hopefully podcasts will take over and talk about things like boundaries, assertiveness, etc.

 

[Batya33]

If you are dating because you feel out of practice I'd stop dating and simply be more social, meet people in general - social interactions in dating are harder and more triggering and if you are not looking for a long term relationship I'd not bother with the apps - too much work and I'm very concerned you'd go to a stranger's home so there seems to be something going on with you where you're so focused on dating - achieving going on a date - that you'd take these huge safety risks.  

I don't think it's appropriate to subject a stranger or someone you just met to your mental health issues  that directly relate to your ability to interact in a healthful way. I understand the other guy brought it up -that's ok and it's nice he's found a way to alleviate anxiety - but I'd first work on what is triggering this social anxiety before dating and just get out there and meet people -volunteer or meet ups or a hiking group, line dancing or swing dancing lessons etc.

Take care.

[shouldhavelearned]

Use patience and don't focus so much on the "dating" 

As you explain yourself to him, the man needs to be understanding and supporting.

Read some books about it, focus on yourself.

It's all a big puzzle.

 

[ShySoul]

You are focused on the anxiety. You were rattled by the words of one person being an idiot and making an unfair judgement of you, allowing it to mess with your confidence. And you are too worried about having to get out there or risk losing your ability to be social or date. 

All together you are creating a problem in your mind and making it larger then it actually is. You are so worried about the anxiety, that it makes you more anxious. 

Getting out more won't necessarily help that. It could even make it worse as the anxiety causes you to make what is in your mind more mistakes, which causes more anxiety, more mistakes, etc. Even if you aren't doing anything wrong, you might perceive you are, creating this cycle.

I'm a shy, socially awkward, introvert. Most of my interactions with people (outside work) have at least started online.  I get anxious in public settings as well. What I realized is that if a situation was making me anxious, there was probably a good reason. It wasn't helpful to put myself in situations that increased my anxiety. Instead, I needed to focus more on being in situations that put me at ease and made me comfortable. Some place with a huge crowd? A date with a random person met on some app? Not going to make me feel comfortable, so I won't be able to function at my best. Instead I need to do things that appeal to me and if I meet someone, then I will better be able to shine because I'm already feeling good about myself.

If, as I have been told, people are social creatures, you won't lose the abilty to be social. And if you want to be social, there are other ways to do it then dating. Dating comes with a lot of expectations, planning, questions, thoughts, etc - all of much can make even the most calm person anxious. So maybe don't try it right now? Maybe focus on something else, something that lets you have fun and do what you enjoy. You can still be social, still get out there if you really want. As you just interact with people in general, and have fun with your own thing, you will naturally be more confident. And that in turn can attract people and make finding or having a date easier, something that can progress naturally.

And don't think there is anything wrong with meeting people online. If that is what works for you, then go for it. Relationships that start online can work out and be every bit as wonderful. No one needs to casually date or go out to meet people.

[MissCanuck]

On 9/9/2024 at 11:14 PM, PixieManiac said:

We went out and after the date he wasn’t very talkative. Turns out I wasn’t confident enough for him.

What did he say to you, exactly? 

On 9/9/2024 at 11:14 PM, PixieManiac said:

I met another person, and instead of going out, I went to their place to have dinner. It went really well and he wanted a second date. So I went back, we had snacks and watched shows and it was really nice.

As already noted, never go a guy's home on a first meet. It's far too risky. And even if the guy is perfectly nice, you're setting yourself up there for sexy-time. That's often what a home-invite means that early on. If you're not okay with casual sex, keep dates to public places as you get to know the man. 

On 9/9/2024 at 11:14 PM, PixieManiac said:

Something happened though and I was mortified and fully expected him to not want to see me again

What happened? 

On 9/9/2024 at 11:14 PM, PixieManiac said:

He’s been very sweet, but also not very responsive. I asked him about that

Can you clarify what you mean by this? Does he days to respond? Or a couple hours? 

[Jaunty]

I'd like to encourage you to back off on trying to resolve your anxiety issues by dating.  By all means continue with dating since you would like to be in a relationship, evidently - though if you keep looking for online only/ mostly and long distance, I question that.  

Instead, please try to step up your social interactions with people in real life.  Surely you have some interests besides guys 😉.   

You might have to force yourself but it will be for the best in all ways if you get out there and mingle with new people.  

[ShySoul]

Be who you are. Do what you want. As long as you are happy and no one is being harmed, then live how you want to live.

Forcing yourself into situations that make you anxious isn't going to help you and can be detrimental to your health. No one needs to date. No one needs to make themselves have more social interactions. And the ones you have, don't need to be in person if you don't want them to be.

Every person is different. The amount of social contact you need and how you get it is your choice. Rather then try to follow what others do or get anxious about what others think, just focus on you. Do what makes you happy and comfortable. Don't force yourself out of your comfort zone, embrace your comfort zone because it is the place you are most comfortable and can best be the real, authentic you. And in being the real you, you will be less anxious and will better get along with those you do meet. The ones you meet are also more likely to share your interests and be ones you will want to meet.

Wishing you well.