My wife kissed another man...

[ray17]

My wife and I have been married twelve wonderful years. We have three great kids from toddler to preteen. I would say that we have had a very healthy relationship on all levels and still have amazing intimacy to this day. As any relationship we have had disagreement but have never had huge blowups. I was given an opportunity to take a job with relocation assistance and my wife gave up hervery stable career of 10 yrs to become a stay at home mom. In short it has been a rough year because we realized we had made a bad decision and should have never left. My wife has been battling depression becoming a stay at home mom dealing with feeling lost and not having her support of friends. We became friends with our married neighbor couple and my wife and the other man seem to click. In May I had a feeling that they were too close and I found out that they had been talking on the phone and through text for a good part of two months. I confronted her and she lied. told her I had proof and then she was honest. She said that she and him were just friends and that she felt like she was using the conversation with him to cope with the depressionand it helped her feel better. She told me that nothing physical happened and it was purely a distraction. It has been hard because he live so close and my kids play outside and have befriended him.

My wife has occasionly has seen him and spoke with him.We decided to go to marriage counseling and had been working through this. Fast forward to a few months later the other couple is now getting a divorce and the man has moved out. When he was moving my wife acted weird as if she was morning a loss, I didn't understand .Yesterday I my wife told me that she felt attached to him and not feelings of wanting him but because they spent so much time talking and helping eachother out with their problems. She tells me he is a POS and felt manipulated by him. She tells me she's not attracted to him, she doesn't want to be with him but they had made out on two occasions. I am lost. On one end I am destroyed but on another I still love her and want to work things out. She tells me she doesn't know why she allowed it to happen and that she didn't like it or feel good about it. I know she is carrying a lot of guilt , hurt, and regret. She tells me I don't deserve this and I should find someone better.

She had a very traumatic childhood with not having a father and a mother who had drug problems in which she ended up in foster care many times.She says she still loves me and wants to be with me and only me. We stopped going to marriage counseling because we felt we were in a good place but both agreed that we are going to seek help. Has anyone been through this? She is undoubtedly an amazing wife and mother to our children. She has an amazing heart,I do not want a divorce and I whole heartedly want to spend the rest of my life with this woman but I don't know if I will ever be able to get past this. I'm not sure what to do with how I feel. I have moments where I feel like I don't care what happened we will work together and become better but then I wonder will this ever happen again and has she learned from this? Does one ever get over this, will we ever be the same? I also find myself wanting to know details but not sure that would help me. Any advise on my situation would be wonderfule.

[Coily]

Unfortunately things will never be the same. That doesn't mean you shouldn't find ways to keep the marriage flowing. You need to be honest about your feelings with your wife, and how she has damaged the marriage. But don't weaponize any apology she gives, just let her know that things are very fragile and will continue to be that way until you both can have some distance from this.

I also don't think she's being completely honest with you, other wise she wouldn't have made out with him twice. Nor is she honest with herself about her actions.

It's okay to feel momentary anger, you're human. You need to let it dissipate for the sake of your children, focus on ways to strengthen the relationship as a model for your kids.

Though I will say, you need to figure out what you will do if ever she crosses that line again. Think it through, and let her know what that is. Communication is paramount at this stage and she must be an active participant in it.

[Kwothe28]

9 hours ago, ray17 said:

She tells me he is a POS and felt manipulated by him.

That means he "duped her". Meaning he promised things, maybe even slept with her and at the end he got back to wife or maybe just even found another woman that he went out with now that he truly left his wife.

See, I dont think you understand how this works. She becomes "stay at home" mom, while you struggle at work to support a family. She becomes unhappy. Then he swoops in, says a few nice words, maybe promises how he would take care of her and she fells for that. Than he just gets back to wife. See, that kind of emotional charge she has, women only have for somebody they truly care about. So she was definitely emotionally involved there. Probably way more then just few kisses. While telling him how she is unhappy with you and would leave you tomorrow. But now when that option is gone, she has to stay with you. Its not a question if you want to forgive her now, its a question how long until somebody else starts to promise her the world and she cheats again and maybe even tries to leave you.

9 hours ago, ray17 said:

She tells me she doesn't know why she allowed it to happen and that she didn't like it or feel good about it.

Oh she knows why. And trust me, she blames you for it. Didnt feel good? You fell for that?

9 hours ago, ray17 said:

She tells me I don't deserve this and I should find someone better.

And why dont you believe her? You can do better than a liar and a cheater. But you would rather make excuses for her cheating(oh she had a rough year, she had a rough life, oh woe such sadness) then to get rid of somebody who disrespected you, your home and your kids. by lying to you, cheating and doing God knows what with another man. There are no excuses for what she did. And taking somebody like this back would do you a disservice. As she would do that again first chance she gets. Now that she knows you would just take her back even after something like this.

[itsallgrand]

I'm so sorry you are hurting. I think if there is a chance to try to work through it, it has to start with her being honest and taking accountability for her actions. She's not giving you the whole truth, she's not taking accountability at this point. I do not like how she is playing the poor me, I don't deserve you, wah, when she should be standing up and giving you a chance to feel say and process - makes it look to me she's still stuck in thinking this is all about her. 

It doesnt excuse any of it but I also thought, someone who didn't have security for so much of the important formalitive years, having control over that security can be especially important. Being asked to give that up to pursue your career, being a SAHM in a new place, it may have made her feel quite powerless. Again, no excuse, but possibly something to look into deeper IF and when she is ready to join you in rebuilding this relationship. 

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Sounds like a bunch of junk on her part to help cover her tracks.

As some have mentioned, he probably wasn't happy and neither was she. They let it build up and either did sleep together or came close.

His wife probably found out about some of his behaviors and kicked him out.

She doesn't want to lose everything at this point now that he's gone.

It'll never be the same and you're always going to wonder the what ifs. Counseling or not.

If you could find him and talk to him peacefully and get something from him to Pierce the puzzle together it might help, probably not since he's not known to be honest. Tough sell.

Hear about it all the time.... He did it or she did it, so I can do it too so it'll be even. 

Kids are the ones suffering. 

 

[lostandhurt]

My wife cheated on me after 20 years together so I know a few things.

First off she is not telling you the whole truth.  It was not just two make out sessions.

Next your wife carried on an emotional affair that culminated with a physical affair.  This is a plain fact and should not be dismissed just because you want this to work out.

Finally this is not a do it yourself problem to try and fix.  You need professional help individually and as a couple.

 I wanted the whole truth with all the details after I caught my wife cheating and I got it.  It did not change one little thing.  She still cheated, lied, lied some more and didn't care about my feelings or our family while she was cheating.  This is important to remember.  She gave her emotions and body to another man, he did not take them, she gave them willingly.  Regardless of the lies he told her so he could bang  her she still willingly lied to you, deceived you and cheated on you. Remember this as well.  You caught her so how long to do you think it would have continued if you hadn't?

 Cheaters lie.  The first lie they tell is to themselves. Cheaters also sprinkle a little truth into their lies to make them believable and if caught in the lie some of it is true and verifiable.  Until you get to the real truth you will always wonder and it will never leave your mind as there is no resolution.  Talk to the guys wife and hear her side and see what she says.  It may help you see the picture more clearly.

 People do recover from this betrayal but it takes work.  The cheater needs to figure out and express why they so easily lied and betrayed not only you but the whole family. They also need to decide what they really want and if when things are not goign so well is this how they will cope again?  On your part you need to accept that the trust is broken badly and will more than likely never be what it once was and that is okay but you cannot punish her for that once you chose to try and work things out.

  Simply wanting to make this work and recover from this is not enough.  Your wife has a lot of soul searching to do and you need to be brutally honest with yourself if you are wanting to save the marriage because you are afraid of the unknown of divorce and being a single parent or if you truly think you can put this behind you and live with this the rest of your life with her.

  Keep posting as it will help seeing it all written out.

Lost

PS I see in your post you were making excuses for her.  You need to stop that right now.  She is totally 100% responsible for her cheating and lying, not her childhood.  She made the choice and could have stopped at any time but she didn't. 

[MissCanuck]

16 hours ago, ray17 said:

She tells me he is a POS and felt manipulated by him.

I hope you recognize this comment for the huge red flag it is.

This tells you there is much more to this than she is admitting. I can nearly guarantee he led your wife to think he might leave his wife to be with her.  When he just left and didn't come for your wife, well, she got all butt-hurt about it and decided he's an a-hole. 

17 hours ago, ray17 said:

She tells me she's not attracted to him, she doesn't want to be with him

Bull. Of course she is attracted to him or she wouldn't have been getting cozy all those months or have made out with him (and whatever else they might have done)

17 hours ago, ray17 said:

he is undoubtedly an amazing wife and mother to our children. She has an amazing heart

Eh, not so much. Not like before, anyway. Amazing wife? No. That's who she was, but not who she is now. Amazing mom? Amazing moms don't go around behaving in ways that risk blowing up their kids' entire family unit. She's been incredibly selfish and not thinking of you or your kids. Sorry, but it's the truth. 

17 hours ago, ray17 said:

Does one ever get over this, will we ever be the same?

Couples work through infidelity sometimes, yes. Will it ever be the same? Not entirely, no. This will always be a stain on the marriage. That stain may fade over time, but it never quite disappears. You will always know it's there. It changes the goalposts in your relationship. Can you chart new territory as a couple? Possibly, yes. But it is going to take a lot of work and the acceptance that this happened and it changed the landscape. 

Of course, nothing will get better unless she is totally honest with you about her affair. It will be hard to verify, obviously, and you may never really know the full truth. But months of chatting and calls and only two make-out sessions? This is almost surely a sanitized version of reality. 

[redswim30]

On 9/9/2024 at 7:16 AM, ray17 said:

We became friends with our married neighbor couple and my wife and the other man seem to click. In May I had a feeling that they were too close and I found out that they had been talking on the phone and through text for a good part of two months. I confronted her and she lied. told her I had proof and then she was honest. She said that she and him were just friends and that she felt like she was using the conversation with him to cope with the depressionand it helped her feel better. She told me that nothing physical happened and it was purely a distraction. It has been hard because he live so close and my kids play outside and have befriended him.

My wife has occasionly has seen him and spoke with him.We decided to go to marriage counseling and had been working through this. Fast forward to a few months later the other couple is now getting a divorce and the man has moved out. When he was moving my wife acted weird as if she was morning a loss, I didn't understand .Yesterday I my wife told me that she felt attached to him and not feelings of wanting him but because they spent so much time talking and helping eachother out with their problems. She tells me he is a POS and felt manipulated by him. She tells me she's not attracted to him, she doesn't want to be with him but they had made out on two occasions. I am lost. On one end I am destroyed but on another I still love her and want to work things out. She tells me she doesn't know why she allowed it to happen and that she didn't like it or feel good about it. I know she is carrying a lot of guilt , hurt, and regret. She tells me I don't deserve this and I should find someone better.

She had a very traumatic childhood with not having a father and a mother who had drug problems in which she ended up in foster care many times.She says she still loves me and wants to be with me and only me. We stopped going to marriage counseling because we felt we were in a good place but both agreed that we are going to seek help. Has anyone been through this? She is undoubtedly an amazing wife and mother to our children. She has an amazing heart,I do not want a divorce and I whole heartedly want to spend the rest of my life with this woman but I don't know if I will ever be able to get past this. I'm not sure what to do with how I feel. I have moments where I feel like I don't care what happened we will work together and become better but then I wonder will this ever happen again and has she learned from this? Does one ever get over this, will we ever be the same? I also find myself wanting to know details but not sure that would help me. Any advise on my situation would be wonderfule.

Sorry this happened to you.  Unfortunately in life we don't always know if something was a good or bad decision until AFTER we do it.  Clearly, this decision threw a grenade at your marriage. 

Ok, your wife may feel sorry and remorseful about what happened.  But OP, please do NOT buy the line of "she was manipulated and she hates him" etc etc.  I frankly hate when cheaters use this BS line, as if she isn't a fully grown adult who CHOSE to talk to him over and over and over and CHOSE to kiss him multiple times.  I think if you decide to move forward together- IMVHO, you can only do so if she can accept and admit that SHE MADE THESE CHOICES.   Saying she was "manipulated" is deflecting blame off of herself, which frankly the cheating spouse often does since the BS has a tendency to want to blame the affair partner more, rather that accept that their spouse made the choice to cheat on them.  The cause of why this happened is all pretty clear, honestly.  Your wife felt depressed and out of control, and did something to try and alleviate and fill the void of both of these things.  Unfortunately, she chose something destructive. 

Sorry, but IMVHO, after you pass the age of 21- and especially if you are full blown adult and SOME point you need to stop blaming your parents for their mistakes and take ownership for yours.  I don't care HOW difficult a childhood she has, nothing was an excuse to cheat on you NOW. 

Now, onto you.  There's no right or wrong answer here.  You either stay with her or get a divorce. 

1.  IF YOU STAY WITH HER- you need to decide if you CAN get past this and IF you can, then you need to completely let it go.  I personally think part of why are struggling to let it go if that your wife hasn't really taken OWNERSHIP of her cheating- NOTE_ Feeling remorseful is NOT the same as saying " I did this"- In fact, she is repeatedly soft pedaling it.  IMO, she's also lying to spare your feelings AFTER the fact.  She is/was attracted to him- even YOU noticed it right away.  You don't make out TWICE with someone you feel zero attraction to.   Only you know if you can move past this, but I think your wife needs to stop lying to herself and to you. 

2. IF YOU CANT GET PAST THIS- time to look into a divorce.   Divorce doesn't always mean you hate the person and they have no redeeming qualities.  It just means you cannot live healthily as a couple anymore.  

MY TWO CENTS-  If you want to save this marriage, counseling now.  Your wife has to WANT to save your marriage.  She also has to accept responsibility.  I personally wonder at her " you deserve better" comment.  People don't usually make the "you should find someone better than me" unless they have an escape plan.  Can you say with confidence she and this guy aren't planning something, now that he's getting a divorce?  I could be totally off the mark, but your wife is still acting very suspiciously with all her deflection and still not being fully honest with you.  But I think you are struggling because you are smart enough to know that her remorse and explanations aren't lining up.   She DOES know why she did this (so do YOU) and she CHOSE to do this-repeatedly.  And now is deflecting blame to HIM and not even promising you a future.  Proceed with caution. 

[MissCanuck]

18 hours ago, redswim30 said:

Saying she was "manipulated" is deflecting blame off of herself

I agree, and it's actually also quite self-incriminating - which is why I hope OP pays particular attention to it. 

Manipulation indicates that she is not being honest about what was said between them. It suggests that he probbably led OP's wife to believe he cared about her, that this wasn't just physical, that maybe he would leave his marriage and start something "real" with her. Something along those lines. 

In my view, OP's wife unwittingly gave herself away there, because what exactly what she manipulated into thinking? That's where I think OP needs to do more reflecting and digging. This affair runs deeper than what she is directly admitting to. 

 

[WorkSux56]

I am so sorry this happened. I've been on the other side of this before. Meaning, I've been the other guy that a married woman got involved with and it is hands down, the biggest regret of my life. We live in a time where (a lot of) married people act like they have all the latitude of a single person. That doesn't excuse the individual with whom the married person got involved with. But, geez, marriage just isn't taken seriously anymore, it seems. Sadly, once a marriage has been compromised, there is NO undoing it. As bleak as this will sound, once a marriage has been infected with infidelity, it's like it has a bad disease and all you can really do is manage the symptoms as best you can. There is no cure, as the only real cure would be erasing it, and of course, there is no taking it back. The married woman with whom I got involved with is married today, but, sadly, not to the man she was married to when she got involved with me. They didn't divorce right away, but they did eventually. I'm not saying yours is headed for that same fate, but, it's going to be different now and from now on. 

[smackie9]

She was having an emotional affair. This is common due to depression...it was a way out. Emotional affairs are no different than a drug addiction...so easy to fall into that trap of "oh it's only a little bit" to "I'm in over my head, what the hell am I doing?" It can hit us hard before before we even know it's happening. The emotions run hard....she was grieving the loss, and she couldn't help having those feelings. But I know that infidelity, can make a marriage even stronger and more solid. I know many couples that have risen from the ashes, and are the closest they have ever been, with a greater respect for each other, etc. When you see how fragile you can be when you see what can be lost, the perspective changes. Yes some say this is unforgivable, end it, but some are willing to to fight. Yes things won't be the same, but there can be a new and better relationship as a result. Communication improves, respect, caring, being supportive, everything is stepped up. BUT if you still have some hurt, doubts, etc....your counselling still needs to continue. You still need to communicate that, and navigate this a little longer until you are fully healed.