Change without an apology

[Cherylyn]

14 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@Cherylyn no one is advocating "no apologies," at least I'm not nor have I read where anyone else has.

Of course when we have hurt or wronged someone, we should apologize, that's a given.

What I have been saying or trying to is that an apology does not always have to be verbal.  

People can apologize with their actions which at the beginning of this thread I thought @eastcoastgal's bf was doing. 

That was before @Kwothe28linked her previous thread and it came to light he was just as ***.

Anyone can toss out an "I'm sorry for..." people do it all the time, and it often means nothing - just meaningless words. Not always but in many cases, my observation.

You mention "narcissists" quite often, well my understanding is narcissists are notorious for tossing out the "I'm sorry's." They know it's what they should say, what they need to say, they're not stupid, so they say it. 

Meaningless words.

Actually showing someone they're sorry with their actions consistent over time can sometimes have a more significant impact.

Personally I have no problem apologizing verbally and I also show with my actions!

But some people as has been explained throughout this thread have had negative experiences after apologizing verbally so they are reluctant to do so and prefer saying I'm sorry with actions.

Hope that clarifies, at least my position on the topic. 

 

 

@rainbowsandroses Both of them are not on the same wavelength regarding what is important to her which is an apology with improved changes vs. him changing minus the apology.  Both people are incompatible.  I understand because for me,  an apology with change is important to me and I highly doubt I'd still be married if my husband was about change minus the apology.  It simply would not work.   We wouldn't be on the same page. 

@eastcoastgal  You never have to settle for a man who doesn't share your same values and principles.  It's a great big world out there and there are more men to choose from.  Not everyone is the same as your boyfriend.  There are other men who wouldn't have any qualms swiftly apologizing to you and put forth the effort to change for the better.  They would be willing to do both for you and this type of man is the one to treasure since this behavior is precious to you. 

Actions are very good but it's also greater coupled with a sincere apology. 

A verbal in person apology is appreciated the most because there are facial expressions,  you're right in front of the person looking them in the eye,  the vibe is positive and usually the receiver of an in person verbal apology is more apt to forgive and can move on quicker.  Verbal in person apologies generally quell hard feelings so making amends is very doable,  healing and recovery moves on quickly. 

Narcissists are very prevalent in society.  A narcissist is anyone who lacks empathy.   It's not about preening oneself in the mirror.  I wish it were that easy.

Verbal,  in person apologies are highly effective if coupled with positive,  permanent changes.  Two and two go together for the best outcome. 

If people have a problem with apologizing,  then this should be discussed between two people.  Say it.  Then see where it takes you.  If saying a sincere,  "I'm sorry for . . ." is so darn difficult,  then it doesn't sound like the relationship is sound especially if the offended craves to hear it straight from the heart.  Saying,  "I'm sorry for .  .  ."  is a selfless act because you put yourself aside for the other person AND you change by not repeating offenses preferably permanently.  Many times a person wants both,  not one or the other. 

I know what it feels like to have the perpetrator stop short of apologizing because it happened to me recently.  It feels like unfinished business or an argument without true closure.  Change is very good but unfortunately,  without a sincere in person verbal apology,  trust cannot be completely restored.  That's the disadvantage and downfall from stopping short of a sincere,  humble apology.  

An in person verbal apology soothes the soul and if the offended senses an apology is truly sincere,  a lot of healing takes place and trust is gradually rebuilt.  Of course,  couple that with change but hearing actual verbal in person humility is a relief and promotes a heck of a lot of healing.  

I'm sure many couples can go on without hearing an apology and changing.  However,  for many people,  something is missing and something gets lost in the relationship.  (Or, friendship)  Sure,  there can be civility but more than that?  It's challenging and not apologizing is a sure fire way to drift apart,  have former love slip away and fade away.  It happens and it could've been preventable which is sad to say.  

@eastcoastgal If you can't move forward without an apology from him,  perhaps he's not for you.  Be with a man who knows how to sincerely verbally apologize to you in person and make changes for you.  Not one or the other but have him do both.  Any other type of man less than that won't qualify for you.  Be evenly yoked.  You can't change a man but you can change your choices in men.  This you can do.  Don't feel the need to be stuck with a man who doesn't tick the boxes for you.  If you sense you can do better,  then choose more wisely in the future.  You have choices in this life so take it. 

It has happened to me recently regarding a perpetrator withholding an apology.  This dismissive attitude was very telling of her character.  I was very disappointed in her because I thought she was better than that.  Alas,  it wasn't meant to be.  ☹️I've since pumped the brakes and enforced strict,  healthy boundaries with offenders.  Or,  if possible,  I've eliminated them because they don't deserve to be in my life.  I'm peaceful but my former innocent,  naive chumminess with offenders is history.    👎 🤨What goes around comes around. 😒