Am I attracted or not ?

[Shycarrot]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

Because you are not attracted to him you are interpreting his body language as being invasive or aggressive when he may not intend it that way. 

Yes, definitely. 

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

So by NOT speaking up, you're actually leading him on, and you don't even realize it.

I am aware that I should be more transparent with him and that's what I am planning to do, whenever I see him this week. 

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

I feel like you're overthinking and trying to find a reason for the physical arousal when it could just be that your body is responding to touch in general, like you mentioned in your post

Can I ask one more question ? It may be a silly one. 

After a dance, it's not unusual to briefly hug your partner, especially if you know them well. The hugs generally feel nice, but when this guy hugs me...it's different, I may even feel aroused for a few seconds 

So my body seems to responds to his touch in particular 😅 I have never experienced this with any other guy I dance with (fortunately). Does that indicate anything ? 

I am sorry, I realize my questions are very naive for a 30 yo woman lol 

 

2 hours ago, yogacat said:

Look, I've been on the fence about whether or not I actually liked someone and their touch still got me feeling some type of way.

 

Oh I see. This answers my question. 

[SophiaG]

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

After a dance, it's not unusual to briefly hug your partner, especially if you know them well. The hugs generally feel nice, but when this guy hugs me...it's different, I may even feel aroused for a few seconds 

So my body seems to responds to his touch in particular 😅 I have never experienced this with any other guy I dance with (fortunately). Does that indicate anything ? 

I can see a few possible reasons:

• Your body likes him (i.e. you are sexually attracted to him)
• He hugs you in a way that feels particularly good to you
• You are more familiar with him than with your other partners and therefore you can let your guard down when he hugs you and enjoy it in a more relaxed state
• Because of his other touches your brain has established the linkage: his touch = intimate/arousing

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

I am sorry, I hope I didn't offend you. 

Thank you, good luck to you too 🙂 

Not at all no worries! It's a sensitive topic for most people.  Overall including the 24 years or so I was in the dating scene on and off and including all the platonic male friends I had and have,I generally had good experiences with men - I interacted with a few jerks, I've been sexually assaulted, but yes in general. So my perceptions and attitude when getting to know a man was with a positive outlook.  Obviously I got to know potential partners over a period of months, at a reasonable pace but I didn't start from a perspective of suspicion or mistrust.  And I didn't go out again with men who seemed to have that generalized view of women.  Some of the things  you wrote suggest that you might not like men very much -meaning as friends/acquaintances/colleagues.  But maybe I'm wrong. 

[Tinydance]

For me personally attraction isn't always just physical. Of course if I see hot people, I find them attractive. Or I "lust" after them. But more often than not I only really begin to feel more attracted to someone once I get to know them more. The number one thing for me is my connection with that person and whether we click. I wouldn't say I really have a physical type, I more so have a personality "type". I think it's definitely possible to be attracted to someone who you wouldn't normally be into. But for some reason something draws you to this person. 

Also I think people can have different ways in which they become attracted to someone. Some people are very visual and if they see someone who's physically attractive to them, they get immediately smitten. Or some people are initially sexually interested in someone and what makes them into that person is they want to sleep with them. Whereas some other people are more demisexual and only begin to like someone physically once they connect with them emotionally. 

Personally if it was me interacting with this guy, I wouldn't necessarily try to analyse in what way I'm attracted/interested. I think any type of attraction or interest is a start. I would want to explore this "attraction" further with him. I'd want to see what it is and where it goes. You seem very cautious and like you really second guess everything. I mean, I don't think you need to know how or why you're attracted to this guy. Even if he's not your usual type, does it matter? If you're drawn to him then just go with it.

[Jaunty]

8 hours ago, Tinydance said:

 

Personally if it was me interacting with this guy, I wouldn't necessarily try to analyse in what way I'm attracted/interested. I think any type of attraction or interest is a start. I would want to explore this "attraction" further with him. I'd want to see what it is and where it goes. You seem very cautious and like you really second guess everything. I mean, I don't think you need to know how or why you're attracted to this guy. Even if he's not your usual type, does it matter? If you're drawn to him then just go with it.

This is my stance as well.  

What I think is very important though is that you make your decision to do this or not.  YOUR decision.  

If you're not comfortable enough or ready for his physical advances then tell him so and stick with it.  You do not need to put up with touching that you are not comfortable with EVER.   Don't be passive.

If you've decided you would like to roll with it a while and see ... then allow this to happen.  You can't "see" if you are trying to analyze and control when you don't even really know him.  

And keep your wits about you.  Everybody knows that some men will try to "take liberties" and that these guys are "testing" the water as they make their advances.  In no way am I saying this guy is doing this.  All I am saying is that it's YOUR responsibility to maintain your own boundaries which YOU have established.

[yogacat]

21 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

23 hours ago, yogacat said:

I feel like you're overthinking and trying to find a reason for the physical arousal when it could just be that your body is responding to touch in general, like you mentioned in your post

Can I ask one more question ? It may be a silly one. 

After a dance, it's not unusual to briefly hug your partner, especially if you know them well. The hugs generally feel nice, but when this guy hugs me...it's different, I may even feel aroused for a few seconds 

So my body seems to responds to his touch in particular 😅 I have never experienced this with any other guy I dance with (fortunately). Does that indicate anything ? 

I am sorry, I realize my questions are very naive for a 30 yo woman lol 

 

No silly questions here! It's completely normal to feel aroused when you're hugging someone because physical contact can be so stimulating. I sense more with this particular man that you enjoy his touch and find yourself attracted to him, but maybe your hesitancy comes from the fact that you don’t find him conventionally attractive. 

[Shycarrot]

On 10/3/2024 at 1:09 AM, Batya33 said:

Not at all no worries! It's a sensitive topic for most people.  Overall including the 24 years or so I was in the dating scene on and off and including all the platonic male friends I had and have,I generally had good experiences with men - I interacted with a few jerks, I've been sexually assaulted, but yes in general. So my perceptions and attitude when getting to know a man was with a positive outlook.  Obviously I got to know potential partners over a period of months, at a reasonable pace but I didn't start from a perspective of suspicion or mistrust.  And I didn't go out again with men who seemed to have that generalized view of women.  Some of the things  you wrote suggest that you might not like men very much -meaning as friends/acquaintances/colleagues.  But maybe I'm wrong. 

Thank you. 

I understand. 

It's not that I dislike men, it's just that I am very wary when it comes to romantic relationships because I find these, specifically, require a great deal of vulnerability and intimacy ? You don't have to get naked with a friend for instance. 

My mother used to pick on my appearance which made me really insecure. My ex, who seemed kind in the beginning did the same after I showed my body. 

That explains (partially) why I am very cautious. 

But I have no trouble interacting with men in a friendly way, or at work etc 

[Batya33]

40 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

Thank you. 

I understand. 

It's not that I dislike men, it's just that I am very wary when it comes to romantic relationships because I find these, specifically, require a great deal of vulnerability and intimacy ? You don't have to get naked with a friend for instance. 

My mother used to pick on my appearance which made me really insecure. My ex, who seemed kind in the beginning did the same after I showed my body. 

That explains (partially) why I am very cautious. 

But I have no trouble interacting with men in a friendly way, or at work etc 

Ok then you have a default of extra wariness and distrust when it comes to potentially dating a man. Just know you will be competing with women for good hearted and well intentioned men who will not view them with this level of initial wariness despite the risk of vulnerability that can come with dating more so than with a friendship. All else equal people move towards pleasure and away from pain. I met men with your attitude and most often I chose not to see them again as I wasn’t a fan of proving myself or walking on eggshells. But for sure everyone is different. I’m very sorry your mom was nitpicky and I’m sorry own individual was rude and critical. They didn’t make you insecure IMO.

You felt insecure and chose to react by expanding the icky feeling to all men you might potentially date. My mom was very critical of my being single and compared me unfavorably to my older sister who married young and had kids young while I was a failure or felt like one  I chose not to let it get in my way as becoming a married mother who didn’t settle was far more important to me than letting that get to me  my mom says she didn’t mean it and didn’t realize how hurtful the comments were  

Also no need to get naked right away as you know. Often if there is love and caring and knowing each other through dating for months it makes the intimacy so much more fun and less vulnerable. JMHO.  

[Shycarrot]

On 10/3/2024 at 4:25 AM, Tinydance said:

Personally if it was me interacting with this guy, I wouldn't necessarily try to analyse in what way I'm attracted/interested. I think any type of attraction or interest is a start. I would want to explore this "attraction" further with him. I'd want to see what it is and where it goes. You seem very cautious and like you really second guess everything. I mean, I don't think you need to know how or why you're attracted to this guy. Even if he's not your usual type, does it matter? If you're drawn to him then just go with it.

You're right, thank you very much. 

My therapist also advised me to stop analyzing my attraction (or lack thereof). It's not easy but I will try 🙂 

I haven't seen this guy in almost 2 weeks : he was busy with work and he's spending the weekend abroad. We barely texted this week but in his last text, he said he was looking forward to hang out with me next week, so we'll see. 

On 10/3/2024 at 4:25 AM, Tinydance said:

Even if he's not your usual type, does it matter? If you're drawn to him then just go with it.

I realize it's silly, as I type this, but I am just scared that if I end up dating him, I will feel guilty and frustrated because there are plenty of men that I'll find more "physically appealing", if I may say ? 

But at the same time, as our emotional connections deepens, he'll probably start to seem more physically attractive to me.

And even if I dated someone who was "more my type", there would be guys that I would find more attractive. And it would not be the end of the world : physical appearance is not the most important thing. 

It's annoying, but I have this habit of putting the cart before the horse and to anticipate (and often amplify) any problem that may arise ... 

 

 

[Shycarrot]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Just know you will be competing with women for good hearted and well intentioned men who will not view them with this level of initial wariness despite the risk of vulnerability that can come with dating more so than with a friendship.

At this point, I have already accepted that my odds were low so I don't really care.

Also, I am doing my best dealing with my trauma in therapy 😅

But more importantly, why are you saying this to me ? Do you think it's helpful ? Because it's not, it's triggering, guilt-inducing and it makes me feel that I am not "healing" fast enough when I am already doing the best I can.

It's not like I can get rid of all my baggage in a flash.

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

 I chose not to let it get in my way as becoming a married mother who didn’t settle was far more important to me than letting that get to me  my mom says she didn’t mean it and didn’t realize how hurtful the comments were  

Please do not compare yourself to me. You're really hurting my feelings again...

What I exposed is like, a tiny fraction of what she did to me. And as a child, I believed the mean things she said. How could I not ? She was my mother and my brain was not fully mature. It was not a conscious choice I made.

As an adult, I am doing what I can with therapy and EMDR, but rewiring your brain and changing your core beliefs is a hard work. 

So please, it's not as simple as "choosing" not to believe somebody etc ...If only it were that simple ! 

I don't have an "icky feeling" against all men, I am just scared that a man who I will at some point be physically intimate with, will behave like my mother or my ex. 

So yes, I may be extra cautious at the beginning to make sure that the person is "safe" but I don't think it's a deal breaker. 

You know, the more I read your reply, the more I find it inappropriate.

It's like saying to a trauma survivor :"well, you have low-self esteem and you feel unlovable. You attribute this to the emotional neglect and abuse your suffered as a child, but you know, these didn't actually erode your self-esteem, you did this to yourself, you reacted this way". 

Well, sure, there may be some genetic traits that exacerbate this type of reaction but I still wouldn't call this a choice. 

Saying this is incredibly brutal and insensitive. Overall, I find your reply lacks empathy. 

 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

All else equal people move towards pleasure and away from pain. I met men with your attitude and most often I chose not to see them again as I wasn’t a fan of proving myself or walking on eggshells

I don't think you know anything about my attitude. 

The guy won't have to "prove himself" or to "walk on eggshells" for me to date him

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Also no need to get naked right away as you know. Often if there is love and caring and knowing each other through dating for months it makes the intimacy so much more fun and less vulnerable. JMHO.  

I suppose. 

I have never been there, so I don't know. 

[Shycarrot]

On 10/2/2024 at 11:18 PM, SophiaG said:

I can see a few possible reasons:

• Your body likes him (i.e. you are sexually attracted to him)
• He hugs you in a way that feels particularly good to you
• You are more familiar with him than with your other partners and therefore you can let your guard down when he hugs you and enjoy it in a more relaxed state
• Because of his other touches your brain has established the linkage: his touch = intimate/arousing

Thank you 🙂 

I think the third possibility is the most likely ? 

I don't think my brain had established any linkage at the time, because it was the first time I ever experienced this with him (it was before he even started to touch my shoulder, hair etc ...). But maybe I was so comfortable with him that I started to feel aroused, and then my brain made the linkage between the arousal and his further touching.

The first one is confusing to me because I don't know yet if I can be sexually attracted to someone when I don't find them attractive, but I guess I will find out.

 

 

[yogacat]

48 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

The first one is confusing to me because I don't know yet if I can be sexually attracted to someone when I don't find them attractive

Of course, you will want to be physically intimate eventually. It would be such a waste putting yourself into a deep relationship with someone, only to find out later that you have no sexual attraction to them at all.

I also believe that sexual attraction is heavily influenced by pheromones and subconscious attraction. Perhaps somebody's smell or action or behavior could turn them suddenly so attractive to you sexually.

Our brains tend to make up our minds before we even know it on a conscious level.

I didn't necessarily want to date one particular man and I wasn't attracted to him physically but the way he smelled made me, well, excited. But I couldn't imagine being with him in THAT way and I would not welcome any physical/sexual advances.

I also spent time with someone that I was physically attracted to, but the sexual chemistry was meh. It is almost as if the brain makes subconscious decisions about whom we want to be around. That would be a big part-if we are attracted to the personality and the energy.

A lot of times too we find ourselves attracted to people that are NOT available. There is a certain taboo element to it that drives our attraction. The longing, the wanting, that is all par for the course with people that aren't available to us.

So, it's entirely possible to be attracted to someone emotionally and mentally without being physically attracted to them. And it's also possible to be physically attracted to someone without a strong sexual chemistry. Sex is a complex thing and there are so many factors involved. Being attracted to someone but knowing it can't become physical is tough, but it is something that can happen.

[Tinydance]

10 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Of course, you will want to be physically intimate eventually. It would be such a waste putting yourself into a deep relationship with someone, only to find out later that you have no sexual attraction to them at all.

I also believe that sexual attraction is heavily influenced by pheromones and subconscious attraction. Perhaps somebody's smell or action or behavior could turn them suddenly so attractive to you sexually.

Our brains tend to make up our minds before we even know it on a conscious level.

I didn't necessarily want to date one particular man and I wasn't attracted to him physically but the way he smelled made me, well, excited. But I couldn't imagine being with him in THAT way and I would not welcome any physical/sexual advances.

I also spent time with someone that I was physically attracted to, but the sexual chemistry was meh. It is almost as if the brain makes subconscious decisions about whom we want to be around. That would be a big part-if we are attracted to the personality and the energy.

A lot of times too we find ourselves attracted to people that are NOT available. There is a certain taboo element to it that drives our attraction. The longing, the wanting, that is all par for the course with people that aren't available to us.

So, it's entirely possible to be attracted to someone emotionally and mentally without being physically attracted to them. And it's also possible to be physically attracted to someone without a strong sexual chemistry. Sex is a complex thing and there are so many factors involved. Being attracted to someone but knowing it can't become physical is tough, but it is something that can happen.

Yes and this is why finding a partner can be soo difficult! There is a lot that needs to all line up together. Physical, sexual, emotional, values and beliefs. But I think even being attracted to someone "in some way" can be a start. And unless you actually go on dates with that person and do more physical things like kiss them, you just don't know. I've had experiences where I thought someone was cute but when we kissed I just didn't feel anything. Or where I initially wasn't sure about someone but when we kissed sharks really flew! * Sparks really flew, not sharks. I left my typo because I thought it was funny 😁 

I don't think we actually can analyse things in regards to dating unless we do start dating that person. Like, this person isn't a scientific experiment so you can't "collect data" about how it's going to go or something lol And I don't think there's any need to worry that if you go out with someone, then change your mind, it's terrible. So many people do it and then one or both realise they're actually not into each other. It's a big part of dating. I mean, you can't just not date someone because you're worried it won't work out. That's always a risk of doing anything in life. Like, getting a new job and maybe you won't like it or you'll get fired. But you still get the job and you give it a go.

[Shycarrot]

2 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Of course, eventually you'll want a physical connection. You'd hate building something long-term with someone, only to realize you may never want them sexually. 

I also feel that sexual attraction is partly pheromonal and partly subconscious "liking"; you may find that someone's suddenly very sexually enticing in person because of the way they smell and/or how they act.

Our brains tend to make up our minds before we even know it on a conscious level.

I didn't necessarily want to date one particular man and I wasn't attracted to him physically but the way he smelled made me, well, excited. But I couldn't imagine being with him in THAT way and I would not welcome any physical/sexual advances.

I also spent time with someone that I was physically attracted to, but the sexual chemistry was meh. It is almost as if the brain makes subconscious decisions about whom we want to be around. That would be a big part-if we are attracted to the personality and the energy.

A lot of times too we find ourselves attracted to people that are NOT available. There is a certain taboo element to it that drives our attraction. The longing, the wanting, that is all par for the course with people that aren't available to us.

So, it's entirely possible to be attracted to someone emotionally and mentally without being physically attracted to them. And it's also possible to be physically attracted to someone without a strong sexual chemistry. Sex is a complex thing and there are so many factors involved. Being attracted to someone but knowing it can't become physical is tough, but it is something that can happen.

And by physical connection, you mean I should find the guy cute/handsome ? Are sexual compatibility and chemistry the same thing ?

Anyway, thank you. It's really interesting ! I didn't know it was so complicated.

All I'll have to do is wait and see 🙂 

[Shycarrot]

8 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

But I think even being attracted to someone "in some way" can be a start. And unless you actually go on dates with that person and do more physical things like kiss them, you just don't know. I've had experiences where I thought someone was cute but when we kissed I just didn't feel anything. Or where I initially wasn't sure about someone but when we kissed sharks really flew! 

It's fascinating, I didn't know that. I understand better why you advised me to go on more dates with him.

9 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I don't think we actually can analyse things in regards to dating unless we do start dating that person. Like, this person isn't a scientific experiment so you can't "collect data" about how it's going to go or something lol

This made me laugh

10 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

And I don't think there's any need to worry that if you go out with someone, then change your mind, it's terrible.

Yes, I know ! It happens all the time, like you said. 

It's just that I don't want to hurt him, so I don't want to escalate things physically, if I am not sure I am attracted to him, but at the same time, doing this could allow me see if I am attracted to him 

Ugh 

It's complicated lol 

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

At this point, I have already accepted that my odds were low so I don't really care.

Also, I am doing my best dealing with my trauma in therapy 😅

But more importantly, why are you saying this to me ? Do you think it's helpful ? Because it's not, it's triggering, guilt-inducing and it makes me feel that I am not "healing" fast enough when I am already doing the best I can.

It's not like I can get rid of all my baggage in a flash.

Please do not compare yourself to me. You're really hurting my feelings again...

What I exposed is like, a tiny fraction of what she did to me. And as a child, I believed the mean things she said. How could I not ? She was my mother and my brain was not fully mature. It was not a conscious choice I made.

As an adult, I am doing what I can with therapy and EMDR, but rewiring your brain and changing your core beliefs is a hard work. 

So please, it's not as simple as "choosing" not to believe somebody etc ...If only it were that simple ! 

I don't have an "icky feeling" against all men, I am just scared that a man who I will at some point be physically intimate with, will behave like my mother or my ex. 

So yes, I may be extra cautious at the beginning to make sure that the person is "safe" but I don't think it's a deal breaker. 

You know, the more I read your reply, the more I find it inappropriate.

It's like saying to a trauma survivor :"well, you have low-self esteem and you feel unlovable. You attribute this to the emotional neglect and abuse your suffered as a child, but you know, these didn't actually erode your self-esteem, you did this to yourself, you reacted this way". 

Well, sure, there may be some genetic traits that exacerbate this type of reaction but I still wouldn't call this a choice. 

Saying this is incredibly brutal and insensitive. Overall, I find your reply lacks empathy. 

 

I don't think you know anything about my attitude. 

The guy won't have to "prove himself" or to "walk on eggshells" for me to date him

I suppose. 

I have never been there, so I don't know. 

There's a true disconnect here as to me it seems like you're responding to someone else entirely. I apologize for offending you.  Good luck to you and take care. I think it's fine FWIW to find other men more physically appealing than your partner as long as if you're committed you don't act on that observation by cheating and as long as you are physically/sexually attracted to your partner. Obviously most women and men can see that others might be objectively better looking in physical appearance and  that's totally fine IMO.  It's whether those feelings affect your attraction to and commitment to your partner or if you feel like you settled because you care whether you got the best looking partner you could.  If you care about that sort of thing obviously that's ok and don't settle.

I agree with what Tinydance wrote especially that relationships can't be parsed into those categories you mentioned.  I do not think chemistry is the same as sexual compatibility.  For example a person who has particular sexual requirements or a fetish might feel attracted to a person and in bed it won't work.  A person might feel chemistry and have sex too soon before they are comfortable and it won't feel comfortable or compatible.  For example.

Again I'm dumbfounded at how you took what I wrote -I shouldn't have tried again obviously.  Good luck and I'm sorry.

[SophiaG]

7 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

I realize it's silly, as I type this, but I am just scared that if I end up dating him, I will feel guilty and frustrated because there are plenty of men that I'll find more "physically appealing", if I may say ? 

It's not silly at all. I've met some good men that I really wanted to try and date because of emotional or intellectual compatibility but I didn't find them very physically attractive. I also worried that I might not develop sufficient attraction to stay content if we were in a relationship. It's not about needing to date the "best looking" person if that's even possible - as long as I'm strongly attracted to my SO, I can recognize someone else is "objectively" better looking and not feel a thing. But if I don't find the person I'm dating physically attractive, or if parts of their appearance are very much "not my type" I'd be constantly reminded of it when I see someone more physically appealing to me, get frustrated, or feel like I'm settling - which is really not a great way to start a relationship and not fair to the other person at all.

Of course, I realize physical attraction is very important to me and not everyone feels that way. You might have to try and find out yourself.

6 hours ago, Tinydance said:

ike, this person isn't a scientific experiment so you can't "collect data" about how it's going to go or something lol

Interestingly I do like to approach the initial dates like "experiments" and "collect data" about my date 😂 Actually did try kissing/making out with some of the guys I just mentioned as an experiment which confirmed it wouldn't have worked for me.

6 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

And by physical connection, you mean I should find the guy cute/handsome ? Are sexual compatibility and chemistry the same thing ?

Not just finding them cute/handsome but also feeling comfortable enough to be intimate, vulnerable (such as showing them your body etc.) IMO which would develop as you spend more time together, share intimacy and build emotional connection. Also sexual compatibility isn't necessarily chemistry but whether your sex drives, kinks etc. align and can enjoy a mutually satisfactory sex life.

 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, SophiaG said:

It's not about needing to date the "best looking" person if that's even possible - as long as I'm strongly attracted to my SO, I can recognize someone else is "objectively" better looking and not feel a thing

And I also am able to recognize this, feel attraction and not care at all that I feel attraction -I'm with my person, chose my person, and according to my wedding vows I'm supposed to resist temptation -the wedding vows presuppose there will be temptation to be with someone else, or to take an easier path with someone else who has more $ (if that is the person's thing -not my thing at all) - but you choose your person.  I've never been strongly attracted to anyone else where it was an actual choice but for sure I've found other men attractive and clicked with other men I've interacted with since 2005 when my future husband and I decided to get back together and hopefully married in the future - and it doesn't matter that they exist or -which is a fact -that there might exist out there someone even more perfect for me, someone even better looking and on and on -

I mean I only dated half the men on the planet so who knows LOL -none of it matters given that I am sure and happy I found my person and continue our commitment to this day.  And hopefully forever.

OP I said I wouldn't give more input -I'm simply echoing and enhancing as it seems like this poster's input is more your speed which is good I hope it helps.

[Shycarrot]

6 hours ago, SophiaG said:

But if I don't find the person I'm dating physically attractive, or if parts of their appearance are very much "not my type" I'd be constantly reminded of it when I see someone more physically appealing to me, get frustrated, or feel like I'm settling - which is really not a great way to start a relationship and not fair to the other person at all.

Exactly. 

6 hours ago, SophiaG said:

Of course, I realize physical attraction is very important to me and not everyone feels that way. You might have to try and find out yourself.

I guess I would like to be physically and sexually attracted to my partner, otherwise, sex would feel like a chore. But sometimes, I can become physically attracted to someone based on their personality. It's hard to predict though. 

6 hours ago, SophiaG said:

Interestingly I do like to approach the initial dates like "experiments" and "collect data" about my date 😂 Actually did try kissing/making out with some of the guys I just mentioned as an experiment which confirmed it wouldn't have worked for me.

I see. So in your case, you have never started to find someone attractive after you spent some time with them or built a emotional connection ? 

6 hours ago, SophiaG said:

Not just finding them cute/handsome but also feeling comfortable enough to be intimate, vulnerable (such as showing them your body etc.) IMO which would develop as you spend more time together, share intimacy and build emotional connection. Also sexual compatibility isn't necessarily chemistry but whether your sex drives, kinks etc. align and can enjoy a mutually satisfactory sex life.

Thanks for your reply 😊

I feel discouraged though.

Like Tinydance said, a lot of things need to line up. At this point, I feel like finding someone I am physically/sexually and emotionally attracted is like a miracle lol. 

The few instances where it happened, I quickly learnt that the guy were already partnered up.  

All of my friends from high school found their partners in the last 2 years. The last one had a similar profile than mine : 30, no dating experience, virgin, comes from an abusive households, wary of men etc ... 

She met an amazing guy for whom she's head over heels after trying dating app for the first time in her life. She found him on her third date. I could not be happier for her. 

But at the same time, I wonder why it has not happened for me ? She got all I ever wanted with much much less efforts. 

So I start to wonder if my brain is broken. Why can't I meet a guy for whom I feel a physical and emotional attraction ? Maybe I am just supposed to remain single ? 

On the other hand, I realize that believing that my brain is broken and that I am meant to be alone, will potentially become a self-fulfilling prophecy. And that those beliefs will keep me from recognizing attraction when I feel it.

It's hard to keep a balance.  

I soo wish this guy was more my physical type, everything would have been much easier ! 😕 

Also, I don't know if I mentioned this, but before this guy came back from his trip, I had a crush on another guy on the dance community. By crush, I mean, I noticed the other guy because he was very handsome but didn't know anything about his personality.

Then, this guy came back, and at the same time, my crush pretty much disappeared (my sister joked that they were the same person lol). 

Last Friday, I ran into him (my former crush) again at a party. Firstly, he came with another women and I don't know if they're in a relationship !

Secondly, even if we didn't talk much, I noticed a few signs that suggested we would not have gotten along. He made a lot of sexual jokes for instances. 

But at the same time, I know I can't judge a book by its cover. I just wish I had the courage to talk to him 🤦

We started to follow each other on instagram and I may see him again on the next dance events ! 

To be fair, I already have negative thoughts like "If he's single and I find myself physically attracted to him, we'll probably not connect on an emotional level, connecting with him on every level is not very likely ". 😅

And if you look at the facts, it is true that this year I have faced a lot of disappointment. I have not met a single guy who has it all (compatible personality and subjective attraction). 

It's great that I live a full and happy life otherwise, because clearly, I can't rely on my love life to bring me happiness lol

[Shycarrot]

Sorry, I am overthinking again 😅 

I have too much free time and I haven’t seen this guy in a while. As a result, my thoughts are running wild and they are getting less and less helpful/realistic. 

I am going to go for a run and try to keep myself busy for the rest of the day 🧘🏻‍♀️

Have a nice day 😊

[Tinydance]

11 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

Sorry, I am overthinking again 😅 

I have too much free time and I haven’t seen this guy in a while. As a result, my thoughts are running wild and they are getting less and less helpful/realistic. 

I am going to go for a run and try to keep myself busy for the rest of the day 🧘🏻‍♀️

Have a nice day 😊

How do you have a lot of free time? I thought you were a doctor lol Look I think you do over analyse a lot. And for some reason this analysis seems to lean to the negative. I really don't think you actually know how you can get along or how your relationship could go with guys that you don't know much or at all. Your friend probably found her boyfriend quickly on online dating because she really kept an open mind. To actually find someone you need to at least give people a chance. And it's OK if you give guys a chance but then realise you're not interested. But I think if you don't even try to go out with anyone then you won't know.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

How do you have a lot of free time? I thought you were a doctor lol 

I was wondering the same thing Tinyd. 

My thoughts are this after all your posts @Shycarrot.  When there is this much internal debate going on wondering if you're attracted or not, you're NOT.  

I think you like him as a person, you feel comfortable with him, enjoy physical touch and perhaps want to be attracted to him, but no amount of wanting it or trying to talk yourself into it is going to change the fact (imo) that it's just not happening.

When attraction IS there, there will be no internal debate or such over analysis and back and forth within yourself. 

I am also a trauma survivor and when I feel "attracted to" a man, I feel it almost immediately!

I realize others may need more time but there is typically not all this overanalyzing and internal push pull going on.

For me, and I do know for other people too, when attracted, it's s not about his looks or personality, I may not know him well enough to even know his personality!

It's an energy, a chemistry between you.  And when that energy and chemistry is there, you'll know it, you'll feel it. 

As a doctor in the sciences, and thus more "cerebral" than "emotional" IMO and experience (I dated a doctor for a few months) it seems like you're trying to resolve this internal debate with logic. 

Attraction is not logical.  There is nothing logical about it. 

Your choice whether or not to date him or any man is made logically but not the attraction itself. 

Attraction (beyond just the physical) is emotional and something you simply feel. 

You're not from what I can see. At least not right now and doubtful that will change. 

JMO of course.

Just out of curiosity what type of doctor are you? 

[yogacat]

On 10/6/2024 at 2:58 PM, Shycarrot said:

And by physical connection, you mean I should find the guy cute/handsome ? Are sexual compatibility and chemistry the same thing ?

Anyway, thank you. It's really interesting ! I didn't know it was so complicated.

All I'll have to do is wait and see 🙂 

I don't think they're one in the same. You can have sexual chemistry with someone but have differing sexual preferences or desires that may not be compatible, leading to a lack of sexual satisfaction. I feel like you're overthinking things a bit in terms of "how do I know if I'm attracted to him" - you either are or you aren't, for the most part, and I don't think him being "not my type" is the same as being unattracted to someone.

I've dated people I wouldn't normally date because their genuine qualities ended up being attractive to me, you know? Maybe it's not physical attraction, but there is something about him that you find attractive in some way.

You could also be experiencing some sort of "grass is greener" syndrome, if I might label it that way. You're also overthinking things in terms of "how do I know if he's the one" - it's not really a "how do I know" situation.

It doesn't seem like you two are a good fit or match. My advice would be to scale back on the philosophical and intellectual "what ifs" and focus on some action items, both internal and external... like, instead of asking if you're attracted to him, focus on figuring out if you're genuinely enjoying the time you spend with him - are you happy? Are you laughing? Are you feeling relaxed?

And maybe take a mental step back and ask yourself if you're feeling any internal pressure to be in a relationship just because. The truth is that's doesn't matter at all, and I think it's placing unnecessary pressure on you. There is soooooooo much more to life than being in a relationship, even when society tells you otherwise.

So maybe stop analyzing his every move and just focus on your own feelings and enjoyment.

[Anonymous]

I genuinely believe that there are different types of attractions and it depends what you want out of the attraction. Like, what you want to do with that attraction. Where you want it to go (maybe nowhere). If we're talking about physical or sexual attraction in particular, people may or not want to pursue it. For example, someone might think a person is cute but their values and beliefs just aren't the same. E.g. One person wants kids and the other doesn't/already has kids. So the person may either just date them casually, do FWB or do nothing and not pursue it at all. 

For some people that instant physical attraction will make them go on dates with the person and see where it goes. Others like to get to know people or be friends first and see if the intellectual and emotional attraction is there.

In my opinion you aren't just flat out not attracted to this guy. You said you get aroused if he touches you, you get excited to see him and you think of him a lot. I don't get aroused if my friends give me a hug or something. So to me it doesn't seem like you see him 100% platonic. But at the same time it doesn't mean that you think of him as a good match or want to date him.

On the other hand I don't really see what the big deal or problem is to just give it a go and see what happens. You don't even have to sleep with him but you could just kiss him or something. Like what I don't understand is why analyse if you're into this person when you could try dating them and see? If for example I wasn't sure if I like spaghetti, would I write a list of pros and cons of how it looks? Or would I just try eating the spaghetti? Lol 

[SophiaG]

17 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

So in your case, you have never started to find someone attractive after you spent some time with them or built a emotional connection ? 

I have! Actually I'm not one to be strongly attracted right away (i.e. "love at the first sight") and pretty much always develop attraction after spending some time. But usually I'd find them cute or good looking so at least potentially attractive to me when we met. I don't really remember ever becoming attracted to someone I found physically unattractive initially.

17 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

At this point, I feel like finding someone I am physically/sexually and emotionally attracted is like a miracle lol.

It can be a bit of a miracle but it does happen! Many people partner up at a young age with someone incompatible which leads to divorces and messy breakups. Some find their person much later in life, and some never do. It's all part of the journey I think. As you grow up you also learn more about yourself and what you want in a partner, which should make the process less confusing and more efficient (for the lack of a better word 😁)

17 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

But at the same time, I wonder why it has not happened for me ? She got all I ever wanted with much much less efforts. 

How do you know that? Perhaps she'd spent a lot of time searching/swiping on the app! Online dating can be exhausting - been there done that - but it can also be rewarding as ultimately meeting/dating more people increases the chance of meeting someone compatible with you, and online dating sure is a good way to sift through a lot of people in a short period of time!

17 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

On the other hand, I realize that believing that my brain is broken and that I am meant to be alone, will potentially become a self-fulfilling prophecy. And that those beliefs will keep me from recognizing attraction when I feel it.

Indeed, so I'd push back on those thoughts when they pop into your head. 

17 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

To be fair, I already have negative thoughts like "If he's single and I find myself physically attracted to him, we'll probably not connect on an emotional level, connecting with him on every level is not very likely ". 😅

And if you look at the facts, it is true that this year I have faced a lot of disappointment. I have not met a single guy who has it all (compatible personality and subjective attraction). 

Statistically, the chance of any individual connecting with you on every level is low, but that doesn't mean you should stop trying as one of them can be your person out there!

17 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

It's great that I live a full and happy life otherwise, because clearly, I can't rely on my love life to bring me happiness lol

That's awesome and a great attitude!