Am I attracted or not ?

[SophiaG]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

it appears you also miss him, you think about him and look forward to seeing him, all of these things point to your crushing on him in some form or fashion imo.

To me this doesn't necessarily have anything to do with attraction. I have good friends who I miss and want to see and if we are already talking daily then I'd probably think about them a lot too. Doesn't mean I have any romantic feelings toward them at all.

As for OP "aroused by his touch" I think we already addressed earlier in the thread.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 9/26/2024 at 9:17 AM, Shycarrot said:

I still hang out with the guy I mentioned at social dance parties, at least twice a week. Also, even though I was really confused, I still wanted to keep in touch with him so to this day.

The thing is, I am noticing that he's almost always in my thoughts, I am very excited to see him, the conversational chemistry is amazing and I am slowly starting to find things I like about his appearance (his smile etc ...). 

@SophiaG, I have no idea if @Shycarrotis attracted or not: I posted what I did as a possibility to consider given that it seems like SHE herself is now questioning it!

I base this on what she wrote in second paragraph bolded above^^, which to me goes beyond friendship and leans more towards something more than friendship that she is still trying to figure out for whatever reasons. 

I am not the only one on this thread who feels this way, not that it matters but it's curious why you chose to respond to me? 

In any event, I appreciate what you experience with your friends however I await @Shycarrotresponse. 

 

 

[Tinydance]

My opinion is she doesn't like him only as a friend. I think if she did, she would most likely not be posting here asking for advice. I think if she only liked him as a friend she would know she's not into him. But I suppose if she has minimal dating experience then it might be not as clear.

[Shycarrot]

On 9/29/2024 at 12:49 AM, Jaunty said:

I think you need to decide by yourself (or with your therapist - NOT with the guy when he is putting the moves on you) whether you would like to date him or not.   And proceed accordingly.

Thank you very much. 

I am not from the US, so I am not sure I perfectly understands what the words "date" entails : does it mean that you hang out with someone for whom you already have romantic feelings ? Someone that you already know that you want to be in a relationship with, but you still need some time to assess for long-term compatibility ? 

Because I don't know if I have romantic feelings for him yet. I would like to see him again but I am still not sure about my feelings. 

[Shycarrot]

On 9/29/2024 at 1:29 AM, ShySoul said:

I'm with the therapist on this one. That's actually not something I'm used to saying, so it must be a sign. Of what I'm not sure. 😄 

You can try to spot all the flags, read into every act. You can look at it from every angle. And you should be careful and cautious about some things. But the heart is going to feel what it feels. And when you start to have those feelings, all the logic and thinking it out doesn't usually hold up to the weight of those feelings. 

I've fought my feelings. I tried to not like someone, or slow it down. But there is always a point where you can't fight it and you have to face that you've fallen. You might not be there yet, but it looks to be headed in that direction. Take things for where they are right now and enjoy it. And if it continues to grow, you'll know when you hit the point of no return. No need to say anything, just keep spending time together and see what develops.

Thank you so much for your kind replies ❤️

I am sorry for my late reply, I have been really busy with work !

Anyway, this is a really good advice ! 

Deep down, I am so scared that if I lose my ability to think logically, I will end up in an abusive relationship... again 😶

My last (and only boyfriend) was adorable in the beginning, but then he showed his true colors and he ended up being emotionally abusive. 

I don't want to go through that again. And of course I wonder if the fact that this new guy touched me after we agreed to be friends is already a subtle sign that he'll be a bad partner and that he does not consider my needs ?

That's why I am not sure "falling" for him would be a good idea. 

But at the same time, I know it's not black and white, he has many qualities and I will gauge how he reacts when I set some boundaries regarding physical touch next time I see him. 

 

On 9/29/2024 at 1:29 AM, ShySoul said:

I don't think it's fair to say he is a misogynist yet. He does seem very protective, but that might not be a sign of viewing you as property. He could be a little insecure so feels jealous of others noticing you and think he needs to get closer to make sure you stay by him. He also may have just been concerned about your safety and felt the need to let you know he would do something for you if you ever felt uncomfortable. I wouldn't beat anyone up and don't think a woman is property, but if anyone tried to hurt a woman I cared about I would get very upset by it.

No you are right, it's not fair and I don't really think he's a misogynist. That was just a fleeting thought, probably motivated by my anxiety 😅

Thank you so much for your explanation, it makes sense ! 

[Shycarrot]

On 9/29/2024 at 5:42 AM, SophiaG said:

This sounds weird to me - of course people ask for permission before making physical moves even in a dating context. And OP isn't even dating this guy. Putting his hand on her thigh, touching her hair, etc. all seem inappropriately intimate for a friend (or not even a friend).

Thank you ! 

On 9/29/2024 at 5:56 AM, SophiaG said:

I have mixed relationships with the therapists I've seen and one of them told me about her own therapist, who "calls her out on her bs" which can be perceived as harsh but had been very helpful to her. If you have had multiple relationships with abusive men, perhaps you do need to be more careful with spotting red flags.

I realize that ! My last and only relationship was indeed abusive. But there have been instances since then, where a guy exhibited a problematic behavior and I had an urge to flee. 

On 9/29/2024 at 5:56 AM, SophiaG said:

With this guy, given that you've told him you only see him as a friend, the touchy thing would be definitely a red flag for me. Some other posters may disagree but consent is no longer implied or assumed, again, even in a dating scenario. And you are not even dating.

 

I understand, thank you for your insight. 

 

On 9/29/2024 at 5:56 AM, SophiaG said:

I think by misogynist you mean the old fashioned traditional male maybe a bit of a macho type? That would explain him not respecting your boundary/consent and automatically assuming the protector role...

Yes, that was what I had in mind ! He seems really chivalrous for instance, insisting that he holds the door open for me etc ... Whereas I think that whoever gets to the door first should hold it for the next person, it's basic courtesy. 

I want to ask him what chivalry means to him and why it is important. 

 

On 9/29/2024 at 5:56 AM, SophiaG said:

If you are talking/texting with him all the time it's natural he's on your mind everyday. I wouldn't think that's an indicator that you are romantically attracted. Do you feel the urge to touch him, or kiss him? Can you imagine being intimate with him? If the thought of kissing him doesn't excite you, or worse if it repulses you, you are definitely not attracted.

I understand. I don't think the thought of kissing him repulses me actually.

[Shycarrot]

On 9/29/2024 at 6:13 AM, ShySoul said:

Simple truth is the easiest and best course of action. There is nothing in there that a reasonable person should argue with. You are indicating some interest and possibity of more, while setting a limit. If he doesn't respect the limit, he isn't respecting you and you'll know not to go further. If he does really care, he'll respect you and not try to push things further then you are okay with.

Thank you so much !!! ❤️

 

On 9/29/2024 at 6:13 AM, ShySoul said:

It's not bad. The feelings we have for someone can grow at any pace, not dependent on time or proximity. I've been extremely close to people I had seen in person once a month or even not at all. As long as you are honest with your feelings and detach yourself as you said, you're okay. The truth is, you are going to feel what you feel. It's being able to decide the best course of action for you as an individual that makes the difference.

I completely agree ! 

 

On 9/29/2024 at 6:13 AM, ShySoul said:

You don't have to enter into a relationship or make a choice now. Wait and just take your time. If you feel safe going to his place, go. If you don't, then don't go. If he tries to pull something, put a stop to it and leave. It could be risk. Or it could be a really fun time. There's no way to know unless you do it. Have fun being in the moment. Should it stop being fun, recognize it and don't hesitate to remove yourself.

I need to meditate this, thank you so much !! 

You told me everything I needed to hear 🙂 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

Thank you very much. 

I am not from the US, so I am not sure I perfectly understands what the words "date" entails : does it mean that you hang out with someone for whom you already have romantic feelings ? Someone that you already know that you want to be in a relationship with, but you still need some time to assess for long-term compatibility ? 

Because I don't know if I have romantic feelings for him yet. I would like to see him again but I am still not sure about my feelings. 

To me a date is when one person invites another person -or two people plan together- to spend time together one on one either because one is attracted to the other or to see if there is a romantic attraction -that is typically the motivation.

[Shycarrot]

On 9/29/2024 at 1:57 PM, Batya33 said:

I would agree totally if she also wasn't writing about how she's thinking he might be a misogynist.  I wouldn't want to invest time in dating someone who was putting me to that sort of extreme test. So if she makes peace within herself and assumes he is a well intentioned generally good person she'd like to get to know that's fine IMO.

 

On 9/29/2024 at 2:02 PM, Kwothe28 said:

You are literally allowing this new guy to touch you while calling him misogynist. Maybe you dont have troubles noticing red flags but you sure are having troubles of not being attracted to it.

If you dont like how he touches you, you can tell him and/or just remove his hand where he touches. Its not a rocket science and he doesnt read your thoughts to know. For all he knows, you like it because you are OK with him doing it. Furthermore if you dont like somebody behavior to the point you are calling them misogynist, maybe dont hang around them.

I don't really think he is misogynist. I was feeling anxious, so my thoughts were distorted and I started to imagine that it was the case. But it really is just my anxiety. 

When I think more logically, I know I can't reasonably say this about him. 

 

 

[Shycarrot]

On 9/30/2024 at 1:36 AM, rainbowsandroses said:

Question is why cannot you admit this to yourself, why your confusion?

Just my take @Shycarrotbut do you think one reason might be because he is not your physical type?

You admit in first quote above and other posts that you do not find him handsome nor cute and he's not your physical type. 

Could it be possible that you have always associated the two together? And as such, you have it ingrained in your mind that you cannot possibly be "attracted to" a man whom you don't find physically attractive?  Or who is not your typical physical type? 

 

I don't know if I mentioned it, but first I am really grateful for your support !! And I greatly appreciate that you are trying to help me. 

So thank you 🙂 

To reply to your questions, yes, the fact that he's not my type is one of the things that is holding me back.

From the stories I heard about my friends, all of them seemed to be gushing about how attractive their boyfriends were and how they could not keep their hands off them. So, I got the idea that physical attraction was a component of romantic love and that you were supposed to find your partner attractive. 

So I am really worried that it's not the case (yet) with this man. He told me I was beautiful, and I wished I felt the same. 

And above all, I wondered if it was fair to him to date him, when he could find another women who would be attracted to his looks ? 

On 9/30/2024 at 1:36 AM, rainbowsandroses said:

Of course being "attracted to" a man (or anyone) entails sooo much more than simply finding them cute or handsome or being your physical type.

You can be emotionally attracted, mentally attracted, spiritually attracted and once you (or anyone) can get over your physical bias, you might even begin seeing him as more physically attractive as well!

This has happened to me, which is why I mentioned it as a possibility and something to consider? 

Until I acknowledged to myself it was a physical bias, I was quite confused too! 

That's beautiful and very reassuring, thank you so much ! 😊

I understand ! 

I think I am emotionally attracted to him in the sense that I feel at ease with him and I really enjoy his personality and our time together. 

But like you said, as we spend more time together, maybe my perspective will shift 🙂  

[Shycarrot]

On 9/30/2024 at 1:03 AM, Batya33 said:

She is choosing to react to her anxiety by dwelling on her notions of misogyny.

I am not reacting to anything and why are you speaking on my behalf ?! Nothing in what I wrote indicated that I was "reacting" to my anxiety, please ! 

 

On 9/30/2024 at 1:03 AM, Batya33 said:

She is choosing to react to these anxious feelings by -dwelling on them and choosing to analyze whether his touching her = misogyny.  Her reaction is a problem and it makes her anxiety far more of a part of who she is

I shared my anxious thoughts in here. I think that I am allowed to do this.

Does that necessarily mean that I am "dwelling on my feelings" ? No, you don't have facts to support this.

And even if I was dwelling on my stress, that would not make me a bad person you know, just an anxious one. 

 

On 9/30/2024 at 1:03 AM, Batya33 said:

But I chose to react by using tools to get recentered -I had an arsenal lol

Congrats. 

I also have an arsenal (CBT) and I was self-aware enough to deduce that my thoughts were distorted by my anxiety, that should tell you everything. 

Besides you don't know anything about my actual tools to manage my anxiety, so suggesting I am just "dwelling on things" is hurtful and groundless. 

I am sorry, but it's like you are distorting and nitpicking over what I am saying, just like you did in my other thread ! I had to explain over and over again what I meant but it's like you had already made up your mind.

 It's tiring and it is distracting from the topic ! 

[Batya33]

27 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

I am not reacting to anything and why are you speaking on my behalf ?! Nothing in what I wrote indicated that I was "reacting" to my anxiety, please ! 

 

I shared my anxious thoughts in here. I think that I am allowed to do this.

Does that necessarily mean that I am "dwelling on my feelings" ? No, you don't have facts to support this.

And even if I was dwelling on my stress, that would not make me a bad person you know, just an anxious one. 

 

Congrats. 

I also have an arsenal (CBT) and I was self-aware enough to deduce that my thoughts were distorted by my anxiety, that should tell you everything. 

Besides you don't know anything about my actual tools to manage my anxiety, so suggesting I am just "dwelling on things" is hurtful and groundless. 

I am sorry, but it's like you are distorting and nitpicking over what I am saying, just like you did in my other thread ! I had to explain over and over again what I meant but it's like you had already made up your mind.

 It's tiring and it is distracting from the topic ! 

I interpreted what you wrote as I responded in my opinion -to me reacting to your anxious thoughts by actually wondering if in reality he could be a misogynist was highly concerning to me and others here - so those were my "grounds" for my opniion.  I never said I knew about your  tools -we all have different tools we use if we are feeling nervous and it's hampering our ability to function or  get stuff done.

I think you are nitpicking -nitpicking about this person and it leads to all sorts of assumptions about who he is.  I don't think I wrote anything off topic -to me it's right on target as it affects your interactions with him and  your perceptions of his actions towards you.  

I'm sorry my input isn't helpful -seems that what you find helpful is validation of all you have done, plan to do, and feel about this individual.  That's ok - if that's what you need then I'm glad there is a poster who can provide that.  I am not that person because if I did that in this situation I'd feel fake.

[yogacat]

50 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

From the stories I heard about my friends, all of them seemed to be gushing about how attractive their boyfriends were and how they could not keep their hands off them. So, I got the idea that physical attraction was a component of romantic love and that you were supposed to find your partner attractive. 

So I am really worried that it's not the case (yet) with this man. He told me I was beautiful, and I wished I felt the same. 

Why waste his time if you don't find him attractive? Yet, when he touches you, you enjoy it, but he's a misogynist based on anxiousness on your part. Dragging this man through your indecisiveness, I am not saying that to be mean, but it's really not fair to do to another person.

[Batya33]

Just now, yogacat said:

Why waste his time if you don't find him attractive? Yet, when he touches you, you enjoy it, but he's a misogynist based on anxiousness on your part. Dragging this man through your indecisiveness, I am not saying that to be mean, but it's really not fair to do to another person.

I agree.  I don't think gushing about that stuff means much - people who are truly happy in relationships often are quiet - they're happy and they don't need to gush to everyone - if you ask them they smile and say "oh we're good!" Attraction is a range - and some who are gushy and handsy/can't keep away -that could be attraction that could be the ego driven wow I have a trophy guy cause everyone thinks he's sooooo hot OMG! - or could be neediness.  Or high levels of attraction.  I don't think the OP really believes this is the standard but it's a good way to rationalize keeping one's distance -ho hum if I don't feel like jumping his bones and dragging my man to the bedroom when I lay eyes on him I guess I'm not attracted.  

 

[Shycarrot]

On 9/29/2024 at 9:59 PM, ShySoul said:

Think there is a difference here that's not being picked up on. She is not saying he is a misogynist. Her anxiety is saying that. 

When we are unsure or concerned about something, we tend to let our imaginations run wild. We exaggerate things and jump to worse case scenarios. Someone prone to being anxious or overthinking, as Shycarrot seems to be, is particularly affected by this.

Thank you so much for this, I appreciate your empathy 🙂 

 

On 9/29/2024 at 9:59 PM, ShySoul said:

I think it's simple. You are torn on your feelings. Part of you does like him. Part of you enjoys being with him and enjoys his touch. You indicated it's been awhile since you had that touch, that you miss it. So you've let yourself enjoy it as feelings have started to develop. But at the same time you are scared. You aren't sure if you want more or are ready for it. So you are also searching for reasons not to be with him. Fear of going further is putting all kinds of thoughts in your head, and taking little things you aren't happy with and turning them into huge red flags. 

 

I think this is pretty accurate. 

 

On 9/29/2024 at 9:59 PM, ShySoul said:

It's not that you are giving mixed signals. It's not such an easy answer as say don't touch me. It's really about you figuring out just what you want and are okay with. Right now, you don't seem to know. You are being torn in both directions. So neither way is complete. You need to decide if you do want to take the chance for more. If you do, pursue it. If not, then make clear touching is off limits.

Personally, I think you do have feelings but are scared by them. That's totally understandable. I get scared by them too and have tried to deny it or convince myself of reasons it can't work. But if you are feeling something, there is probably a reason and that reason is worth exploring.

I think I am also scared that if I actually say "yes" to him touching me, I won't have the right to change my mind.

But I realize this is absurd and I can say "no" at anytime and/or, I can let him know if it's moving too fast for me. 

 

Thank you very much for your help ! I hope everything worked out fine for you, in those situations where you were scared of your feelings 🙂 

[Shycarrot]

On 9/29/2024 at 5:19 PM, yogacat said:

I think you're fine to want him to ask for consent if he consistently fails to read body language and touches you. Keep in mind that you might be reading too much *into* his body language as well, so try to find a balance in that.

I understand, thank you. Could you elaborate on why you think I am reading too much on his body language please ? 

On 9/29/2024 at 5:19 PM, yogacat said:

That doesn't mean he is a misogynist or just sees you as property that he wants to conquer lol - beware of labeling.

Thank you, I need to meditate this ! 

On 9/29/2024 at 5:19 PM, yogacat said:

You're attracted to him from what I can see. You enjoy when he touches you. When you don't you don't let him know. You're in a grey zone. It's up to you to own that. 

 

I know I am currently in a grey zone 😅. I hope I will soon find a way to sort out my feelings

 

On 9/29/2024 at 5:19 PM, yogacat said:

I don't want you to ignore not having developed your red flag radar, but I'm not seeing any huge immediate issues here.

It's good to know. 

On 9/29/2024 at 5:19 PM, yogacat said:

A red flag being HE is not listening, being manipulative, making black-humor comments, being distant, not following through, continuously making inappropriate comments, making comparisons, pressuring - not respecting your "no" or self mockery.

Thanks for the reminder !! 🙂 

[Shycarrot]

On 9/29/2024 at 6:48 PM, Jaunty said:

You either are accepting enthusiastically all this touching,  OR you are going to put a stop to it.   Pick one.   You are not in a place where it's good "self care" for you to let it go on passively while you are telling him you are NOT INTERESTED IN ANYTHING BUT FRIENDSHIP, telling us that you think he might be a misogynist,  and you do not feel attracted to him.

You are allowing yourself to be taken down a path that you have not chosen.

If you want to choose it,  DO THAT.

If you don't want to, then stop.

I understand this, that makes perfect sense.

I don't know if I said it already, but it's the first time that I am this confused about my feelings. Usually I have no trouble knowing if I am into a guy or not ! I am supposed to be older and wiser, but no 😅

Regarding the touching, I think I need a bit more time to get to know him and I would appreciate if he toned down physical touch. 

I am planning to tell him the next time I see him, I haven't had the chance yet because I am sick and I could not see him this week.

[Shycarrot]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I interpreted what you wrote as I responded in my opinion -to me reacting to your anxious thoughts by actually wondering if in reality he could be a misogynist was highly concerning to me and others here -

No, thinking that he was a misogynist person were my anxious thoughts. I didn’t react to them in the sense that I didn’t panic and told the guy I didn’t want to see him anymore or whatever … 

That would be reacting. Exposing my thoughts here and criticizing them shows that I am actually able to handle them.
 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I think you are nitpicking -nitpicking about this person and it leads to all sorts of assumptions about who he is.  I don't think I wrote anything off topic -to me it's right on target as it affects your interactions with him and  your perceptions of his actions towards you.  

Yes, I am probably nitpicking 😅 

But at the same time, my lack of attraction is a real issue I would say ? 
 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry my input isn't helpful -seems that what you find helpful is validation of all you have done, plan to do, and feel about this individual.  That's ok - if that's what you need then I'm glad there is a poster who can provide that.  I am not that person because if I did that in this situation I'd feel fake.

You know it’s not what I want.

But I notice that often (in my posts I mean), you jump to conclusions and make some assumptions about me or my behavior that are lacking nuance ! 

In those cases you don’t ask more questions, even when you don’t have the whole picture. 
 

And then I have to defend myself out of your assumptions, but it’s a waste of time because you already have an opinion, which skews your perspective even when I start talking about non related events. 

[SophiaG]

3 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

From the stories I heard about my friends, all of them seemed to be gushing about how attractive their boyfriends were and how they could not keep their hands off them. So, I got the idea that physical attraction was a component of romantic love and that you were supposed to find your partner attractive. 

So I am really worried that it's not the case (yet) with this man. He told me I was beautiful, and I wished I felt the same. 

And above all, I wondered if it was fair to him to date him, when he could find another women who would be attracted to his looks ?

I see, that makes sense. I do think one should find their partner attractive - although they may not have been attracted at first sight or thought the other person as "objectively physically attractive" whatever that means. And yes I do think everyone deserves to find someone who are attracted to them to date, if they so wish. But he may or may not care about it.

There can be a difference between "objective" or conventional/mainstream attractiveness and subjective attraction. The latter can change over time. When you say he's not attractive is it more of you know your friends wouldn't find him attractive - and part of the very human desire we all have to some extent to be able to "show off" your new partner as eye candy - or you don't find him pleasant to look at yourself? Has that changed since you started talking with/thinking of him all the time?

Were you always physically attracted to your previous partners/crushes and considering them "your type"? Have you experienced finding someone that didn't seem attractive to you at first attractive over time?

2 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

I think I am also scared that if I actually say "yes" to him touching me, I won't have the right to change my mind.

But I realize this is absurd and I can say "no" at anytime and/or, I can let him know if it's moving too fast for me. 

Exactly! You can always change your mind and by not saying no so far you are already feeling uncomfortable, so why not start now?

[SophiaG]

2 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

I know I am currently in a grey zone 😅. I hope I will soon find a way to sort out my feelings

I think it's okay to be in a grey zone. It's okay to take time to make up your mind but you should be at peace with it vs. being anxious and confused. Be honest to yourself and him. Tell him you are not ready to be touched a certain way when his touches make you uncomfortable. Let him know that you like talking with him and want to see where things go. Tell yourself it is okay to enjoy the moment and later decide you don't want to date him after all. That way you are not leading him on and he can choose to pursue someone more attracted to him if he wants.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

No, thinking that he was a misogynist person were my anxious thoughts. I didn’t react to them in the sense that I didn’t panic and told the guy I didn’t want to see him anymore or whatever … 

That would be reacting. Exposing my thoughts here and criticizing them shows that I am actually able to handle them.
 

Yes, I am probably nitpicking 😅 

But at the same time, my lack of attraction is a real issue I would say ? 
 

You know it’s not what I want.

But I notice that often (in my posts I mean), you jump to conclusions and make some assumptions about me or my behavior that are lacking nuance ! 

In those cases you don’t ask more questions, even when you don’t have the whole picture. 
 

And then I have to defend myself out of your assumptions, but it’s a waste of time because you already have an opinion, which skews your perspective even when I start talking about non related events. 

I'm sorry you're interpreting my input that way, As mentioned I am not giving more input and I see that others have given the same input as me so I'll let them interact here.  Good luck and feel better.

[yogacat]

22 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

I understand, thank you. Could you elaborate on why you think I am reading too much on his body language please ? 

I'm just saying that sometimes our own perceptions can be biased or exaggerated.

Because you are not attracted to him you are interpreting his body language as being invasive or aggressive when he may not intend it that way. 

Granted, if he's touching you and it's not welcome then you have every right to speak up but you say you enjoy it and by not saying anything he's going to assume that it's welcome. You need to speak up.

I feel like you're overthinking and trying to find a reason for the physical arousal when it could just be that your body is responding to touch in general, like you mentioned in your post. Look, I've been on the fence about whether or not I actually liked someone and their touch still got me feeling some type of way.

But I know when I am definitely 100% attracted to someone, and when I am not, any physical advances I do NOT enjoy to the point of discomfort and any future physical advances are 100% not welcomed.

This guy can accept your friendship before he can accept anything more than that. Once it goes incredibly far, men are less likely to accept the "Friendship" angle when they ultimately want something more. You may not find the guy attractive, but he could see you as way more than that, hence the persistent behavior. He's going to keep doing it without you asserting some more boundaries.

So by NOT speaking up, you're actually leading him on, and you don't even realize it.

[Shycarrot]

20 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry you're interpreting my input that way, As mentioned I am not giving more input and I see that others have given the same input as me so I'll let them interact here.  Good luck and feel better.

I am sorry, I hope I didn't offend you. 

Thank you, good luck to you too 🙂 

[Shycarrot]

22 hours ago, SophiaG said:

There can be a difference between "objective" or conventional/mainstream attractiveness and subjective attraction. The latter can change over time. When you say he's not attractive is it more of you know your friends wouldn't find him attractive - and part of the very human desire we all have to some extent to be able to "show off" your new partner as eye candy - or you don't find him pleasant to look at yourself? Has that changed since you started talking with/thinking of him all the time?

Hello 🙂 Thank you very much for your reply ! 

Well, I am ashamed to say that at first that it was a bit of both ?

A part of me was worried that my family and my friends would not find him attractive. But over time, this fear subsided as I realized that other people would always have an opinion, and above all, that it should not matter to me. Plus, I was starting to notice that he had many positives traits (thoughtfulness, a great sense of humor etc ...) which was way more important that other's people "validation".

But I also didn't find him pleasant to look at myself. I noticed lately that he had a beautiful smile and I like the sound of his voice, his laugh ... 

 

 

22 hours ago, SophiaG said:

Were you always physically attracted to your previous partners/crushes and considering them "your type"? Have you experienced finding someone that didn't seem attractive to you at first attractive over time?

My ex was closer to my type and I felt an attraction a few hours after we first met.

But apart from him, I have definitely developed an attraction over the course of a few weeks/months, even years to guys that didn't seem attractive to me at first. I have a few examples in mind, mainly colleagues.

22 hours ago, SophiaG said:

Exactly! You can always change your mind and by not saying no so far you are already feeling uncomfortable, so why not start now?

Thank you so much ❤️

You're right, I will ! 

[Shycarrot]

22 hours ago, SophiaG said:

I think it's okay to be in a grey zone. It's okay to take time to make up your mind but you should be at peace with it vs. being anxious and confused. Tell yourself it is okay to enjoy the moment and later decide you don't want to date him after all.

Thank you so much for your reassuring words !! 🙂 

I don't know why, but I tend to see this particular situation in black and white : either I am attracted to him now or never and I have to make a decision now. 

But you reminded me that there are shades of grey. The most important thing is to be honest with the guy so I don't lead him on. 

I haven't seen him yet. But I will let you know how it goes (I prefer to tell him this in person). 

22 hours ago, SophiaG said:

Tell yourself it is okay to enjoy the moment and later decide you don't want to date him after all

Thank you for this !