Am I attracted or not ?

[Shycarrot]

 

I feel embarrassed to post this, but I don't have much dating experience despite my age (30) and I am really confused about something.

I met a guy through a hobby last June. We talked briefly a few times and in early July, went to have dinner together.

Since I didn't feel any physical attraction to him, I told him after dinner that I wasn't looking for anything more than friendship ! He seemed very understanding and said that he just wanted to spend time with interesting people.

Then, he went on a trip abroad for more than a month and only returned 2 weeks ago.

Since then, we resumed our hangouts and our daily conversations by text.

But he's way more touchy than before, randomly poking my shoulder, caressing the back of my head, putting his arm around my waist for a few seconds etc. He does this especially when he wants to "comfort" me about something, for example, when I say that I am feeling anxious about something or whatever. Also, I know he finds me pretty because he told me so during our conversation.

The most confusing thing is that I actually enjoy this touch despite my current lack of attraction : He's absolutely not my type. I don't find him handsome nor cute. And when he does not touch me, I have no desire to be close to him nor to look at him

Also, I am very embarrassed to admit this, but sometimes I even feel aroused when he touches my waist (one of my erogenous zones) and for a few seconds, I want to cuddle with him etc ... This makes me question everything and it's very confusing because it has never happened before.

Usually, it's either I enjoy physical closeness with a guy that I find attractive or not at all.

So this raises a lot of questions like :

If I likes when he touches me, does this mean that I am attracted to him (even if I don't realize it) ? Can I be attracted to him and be in a relationship with him if I don't find him handsome/cute at all ? Or is it just my body getting aroused because I have been single for 6 years and I am still a virgin ? 

Maybe this kind of intimate and sweet touching from someone I trust is only enjoyable because it's been ages since I have not experienced it ?

Besides, I am also worried about his behavior : I told him I only wanted to be friends, so I find it sad that he's pushing for more. Plus, if he kept his hands to himself, I would not have this problem lol

I am planning to talk to him to reinforce my boundaries ! 

But in the meantime, how do you know that you are physically attracted to someone ? What should I look for ?

What basic level of attraction is necessary to sustain a relationship ?

Thank you so much ! 

 

[smackie9]

You told him friendship only and he's crossing that boundary you had put in place. He's being a creep. You are putting yourself in a position where he may not take no for an answer. But note* as you "let" him do these things, you are leading him on, and sending a wrong message. My recommendation is to cut all contact with this guy.

You will know when you are attracted to someone...your brain tells you.

[SophiaG]

If you don't find him attractive I would have a hard time imagine you are secretly attracted to him after all.

Touches can be nice sometimes. Generally I found it unpleasant and unwelcome if someone I see only as a platonic friend gets overly touchy. I mean, if I know they are attracted to me and I feel they are finding excuses (comfort, etc.) to touch me that sounds like sexual harassment and I'd probably put a stop to it right away. But in a few occasions I actually enjoyed hugs/touches, if only momentarily, from someone I'm not attracted to who likely had feelings for me. Each of those times I was in a vulnerable state, often shortly after a break up and I missed the warmth of physical touch. You said he was "comforting" you - were you in a similar state of mind? As for the arousal, I wouldn't worry about it at all. We all have ways we like to be touched and that can be a simple & innocent response to the physical stimulation. I suspect guys will have more to say about that 😄

[Shycarrot]

2 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

But note* as you "let" him do these things, you are leading him on, and sending a wrong message.

Thanks for your reply. 

I am well aware of that fact ! At first, since it felt "good", I had a tendency to let it happen and I wanted to see if this could spark an attraction. 

[DarkCh0c0]

It could be you are craving the attention and intimacy, not him per se. Your emotional and physical needs have not been fulfilled in 6+ years. So it makes sense.

What do you think of that?

And, I would stop seeing him if I were you. It is obvious he is attracted to you and wants to be more than friends. He crossed your boundary despite you having cleared you intentions.

33 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

am planning to talk to him to reinforce my boundaries ! 

You've already done that and you've seen his response. He disregarded your boundaries. Better cut him off.

[Kwothe28]

30 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

If I likes when he touches me, does this mean that I am attracted to him (even if I don't realize it) ? Can I be attracted to him and be in a relationship with him if I don't find him handsome/cute at all ? Or is it just my body getting aroused because I have been single for 6 years and I am still a virgin ? 

 

There are more than one ways of attraction. You can find somebody not pretty but still be attracted to them. In your case, you do enjoy his touches. Maybe because you havent had anyone in a while, but yes, your body does enjoy them. So you are attracted to him. But enjoying being physical with somebody doesnt mean you like them for more. Just that maybe you want to be physical with them. Despite your body enjoying him, dont think you can be with somebody who you just dont find at least cute. Not because it cant happen, but because dont think that you, who obviously values those things, can go aroud the fact that you dont find him pretty. Its usually one of the requirements for relationship because your SO should find you  pretty even if some other people dont. 

Anyway, I do agree its not fair to both. He is clearly attracted to you. But you aside of just physical arousal when he touches you, arent to him. Unless you want to just have sex with him to get it done, this is not something you should pursue for more than that.

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

If I likes when he touches me, does this mean that I am attracted to him (even if I don't realize it) ? Can I be attracted to him and be in a relationship with him if I don't find him handsome/cute at all ? Or is it just my body getting aroused because I have been single for 6 years and I am still a virgin ? 

Touch is not attraction. Touch can be closeness as friends. It can be comfort. He is touching you when you are anxious. The touches are a show of support and concern for you. You find that comforting, helping to calm yourself. And that's natural.

I have a female best friend. We are not in a relationship, and are not going to be. But we care for each other deeply and hate to see the other hurting. So if the other person is feeling down, we give a hug. We put our arm around the other's shoulder. We rub each other's back. We hold onto the person's hand. It's not sexual or a sign of attraction beyond friendship. It's showing a person love and support, platonically.

If you like it, it is because you care enough about each other to trust one another with personal space and find comfort and solace in his presence. 

You could be in a relationship and attracted to someone you don't think is cute, but I don't think that's the case here or something you need to worry about.

Arousal isn't necessarily by choice or a sign if your feelings. The body reacts as it does, and touching in areas that are erogenous for you could set your body off. Even people being physically assaulted can have their bodies show signs of arousal and they clearly aren't attracted to the attacker.

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

Maybe this kind of intimate and sweet touching from someone I trust is only enjoyable because it's been ages since I have not experienced it ?

Much more likely. It feels good to have someone there, who wants to see you happy. You are enjoying being with someone who cares about you. And theres nothing wrong with that.

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

But in the meantime, how do you know that you are physically attracted to someone ? What should I look for ?

What basic level of attraction is necessary to sustain a relationship ?

You know when you know. There doesn't have to be signs you look for. There is no basic level of attraction. You are either attracted, or you are not. If you have to question it, then you probably aren't.

The few women I've been physically attracted to, it grew from being attracted to them personally. I found myself awed by a particular trait of theirs and I couldn't stop thinking of them. Then it would hit me that I felt more, that they were attractive not just inside, but on the exterior as well. 

When you find them attractive, you will know it. More then that, you will feel it. 

And what will sustain the relationship isn't attraction, it's all the other things people do and experience - trust, honesty, compassion, communication, etc.

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

I told him I only wanted to be friends, so I find it sad that he's pushing for more.

First, you are not leading him on. Leading would mean you are initiating, when he is the one doing these things. You are reacting out of comfort. If he gets an idea in his head about this being more, it is his idea and not something you are placing there because of your natural response.

Figure out your feelings first. See if you can separate what you think is okay touching for you versus inappropriate touching. Or maybe you want no touching at all. Decide whatever makes you comfortable. Then talk to him about it. Make clear how you feel and what is okay versus not okay. It doesn't have to mean no touching period. You can still have a hug if it makes both of you feel better. But don't let him do anything you don't want him to do.

And it's nice to see you back ShyCarrot. Hope everything else is going well for you.

[Shycarrot]

1 hour ago, SophiaG said:

Generally I found it unpleasant and unwelcome if someone I see only as a platonic friend gets overly touchy. I mean, if I know they are attracted to me and I feel they are finding excuses (comfort, etc.) to touch me that sounds like sexual harassment and I'd probably put a stop to it right away.

Thank you so much for your reply !

He's definitely finding excuses to touch me and in another context, I would have thought he was creepy too ! But like you said, I am probably vulnerable

1 hour ago, SophiaG said:

You said he was "comforting" you - were you in a similar state of mind?

Well, I treat him like a friend so of course, if he's talking about a sensitive topic or an insecurity, I will be comforting/supportive. But I won't necessarily communicate this with physical touch, like he does. 

 

1 hour ago, SophiaG said:

We all have ways we like to be touched and that can be a simple & innocent response to the physical stimulation. I suspect guys will have more to say about that 😄

This made me laugh haha. Thank you ! 

[Shycarrot]

1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

It could be you are craving the attention and intimacy, not him per se. Your emotional and physical needs have not been fulfilled in 6+ years. So it makes sense.

What do you think of that?

Thank you for your reply, I definitely think you're onto something ! 

The more I think about this, the more I realize that he's been "filling the void" : we get to be emotionally close and he's physically affectionate, both of which I have been craving. 

That's also probably why I didn't push him away when he touched me !

But it's really unhealthy, I don't want to be selfish and get his hopes up. 

1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

And, I would stop seeing him if I were you. It is obvious he is attracted to you and wants to be more than friends. He crossed your boundary despite you having cleared you intentions.

I understand. I am supposed to see him again on Tuesday during a dance event, I will see how I feel. 

Yes, he crossed my boundary but I still think I can talk to him about this, just in case. 

 

[Shycarrot]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Not because it cant happen, but because dont think that you, who obviously values those things, can go aroud the fact that you dont find him pretty

Thank you for your reply ! 

How do you know I value those things and do you think I am wrong for this ? 

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Anyway, I do agree its not fair to both. He is clearly attracted to you. But you aside of just physical arousal when he touches you, arent to him. Unless you want to just have sex with him to get it done, this is not something you should pursue for more than that

No, you are right. 

I don't think I just want to have sex with him.

He's an amazing person who really deserves someone who's attracted to him. 

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Maybe because you havent had anyone in a while, but yes, your body does enjoy them. So you are attracted to him

I don't think it's that simple ? Like ShySoul said, we can experience arousal non-concordance. 

[Shycarrot]

58 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

You know when you know. There doesn't have to be signs you look for. There is no basic level of attraction. You are either attracted, or you are not. If you have to question it, then you probably aren't.

The few women I've been physically attracted to, it grew from being attracted to them personally. I found myself awed by a particular trait of theirs and I couldn't stop thinking of them. Then it would hit me that I felt more, that they were attractive not just inside, but on the exterior as well. 

When you find them attractive, you will know it. More then that, you will feel it. 

And what will sustain the relationship isn't attraction, it's all the other things people do and experience - trust, honesty, compassion, communication, etc.

Thank you so much for your reply ! 

You know what ? You are right ! The last times I experienced a physical/sexual attraction, I didn't have to think about it : it was obvious. 

My question was more specific to this guy, but you are right in the sense that I will know if/when it happens. 

I have also been physically attracted to some people based on their personality 🙂 

58 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Figure out your feelings first. See if you can separate what you think is okay touching for you versus inappropriate touching. Or maybe you want no touching at all. Decide whatever makes you comfortable. Then talk to him about it. Make clear how you feel and what is okay versus not okay. It doesn't have to mean no touching period. You can still have a hug if it makes both of you feel better. But don't let him do anything you don't want him to do.

It's an amazing piece of advice, thank you so much ! 

I will do that !! 

58 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

And it's nice to see you back ShyCarrot. Hope everything else is going well for you.

Thank you ❤️ Everything else is going really well, I hope it's the same for you ! 🌺 ✨

[Shycarrot]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

I have a female best friend. We are not in a relationship, and are not going to be. But we care for each other deeply and hate to see the other hurting. So if the other person is feeling down, we give a hug. We put our arm around the other's shoulder. We rub each other's back. We hold onto the person's hand. It's not sexual or a sign of attraction beyond friendship. It's showing a person love and support, platonically.

That sounds so nice 🙂 I understand your point and more importantly, I am glad you have a friendship like this 😉

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

Much more likely. It feels good to have someone there, who wants to see you happy. You are enjoying being with someone who cares about you. And theres nothing wrong with that.

Thank you, that's sweet 🙂

[HazelEyedBird]

2 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

But in the meantime, how do you know that you are physically attracted to someone ? What should I look for ?

 

 

If you have to ask, are unsure, or question it at all - you aren't attracted. When you are, there is no mistaking it. You know it when you feel it.

[Kwothe28]

28 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

How do you know I value those things and do you think I am wrong for this ? 

Well, there are people who dont value physical but, for example, emotional connection. You arent one of those since you were clear he is not your type and dont find him cute. Aka, you value physical connection.

I dont think you are wrong. Dont think there is right or wrong about it if you value one or the other. I think you are horny so that is why he is maybe pushing the right buttons. But if you dont think of him as at least cute, than you are not attracted in that sense to him. 

[Batya33]

Why do you tell him you’re anxious often enough that now this has become an issue of his reacting by touching you ? I think people who are initially attracted can feel it strengthen or decrease over time because of many factors but yes the spark and chemistry need to be there. I hug certain friends hello and goodbye. Including some male friends and acquaintances. I used to be touchy with a male friend many years ago - we were single. But the thing is I had been attracted to him but we couldn’t date because of life goals that were incompatible for marriage and family. We never hooked up but we’d hang out and sit close etc. This stopped entirely when I started dating my future husband - because that would have been inappropriate to do with a “friend”.
 

My point is you are playing with fire because you know he wants more so you give him this “in” like a flirty girl who says “ohhhh I’m soooo cold !” Hoping the guy will warm her up by cuddling. I know gou actually do feel anxious but stop treating him like your blankie or you’ll find yourself in a really awkward position where his hands wander or he goes in for a huge kiss. 

[Shycarrot]

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

My point is you are playing with fire because you know he wants more so you give him this “in” like a flirty girl who says “ohhhh I’m soooo cold !” Hoping the guy will warm her up by cuddling. I know gou actually do feel anxious but stop treating him like your blankie or you’ll find yourself in a really awkward position where his hands wander or he goes in for a huge kiss. 

It’s such a wrong and guilt-inducing assessment to make.  

Why do you assume I behave in a way that invites him to touch me ? 

When he tells me that he feels anxious (which he does sometimes), would you tell he also wants me to touch him ? (I don’t btw)
Probably not. We talk about these things as friends 🤷‍♀️

I don’t have touchy friends, so talking about my negative emotions never elicit this kind of reaction ! 

I may not have emphasized this enough but what I was trying to say is that he finds any excuses he can find to put his hands on me. 
 

If I tell him I feel tired since its getting late, he says « oh poor thing ! » and he caresses the back of my head. 
 

If I trip on something to the point of (almost) falling, he will laugh and rub my back. 

If we’re taking a group picture, he’ll put his arm around my waist for a few seconds, in order to indicate me to get closer to the camera, even though he could just tell me. 

You see ? It’s not my behavior that invites him to touch me, or like you put it bluntly : I don’t treat him like a blankie 🙄

[Shycarrot]

9 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Dont think there is right or wrong about it if you value one or the other. I think you are horny so that is why he is maybe pushing the right buttons. But if you dont think of him as at least cute, than you are not attracted in that sense to him. 

Thank you very much for your explanation, I understand 

[yogacat]

I can be sexually aroused and/or attracted to someone but not feel romantically inclined enough to want to date.

Hmm, sometimes if I smell a certain scent or cologne on a man or if I am walking through the men's cologne department I can become aroused but that's the extent of it. Sometimes body's just do their own things in response.

Just because your body responds to his touch, releasing those chemicals that make you feel good in certain parts of the body, doesn't mean that you should date him. It is like one of those bottle rockets that light temporarily and then fizzle out.

Or do you feel a pull toward him, more than friendship? It's this other level of connection that one finds with a person with whom they share a mutual physical and romantic desire.

It's not a one-size-fits-all kind of thing, either. What works for one person might not work for another. How much sweetener you need for a cup of tea or effective potion, dependent of certain conditions including dosage range, duration, how easily the other stuff crosses the blood brain barrier. 

So, don't stress too much about trying to define what tingly sensations you felt. Just let it flow, like a river that doesn't force itself into a specific shape, it just moves naturally and takes whatever form it does along the way. 😉

It's clear that you have no intention of relationship here and that should tell you something. You cannot just switch on/off your attraction or mental tension towards someone.

Can't rationalize how attraction works either. It's a highly-complex individual response. Whether or not you're "secretly" attracted to him and want to date him depends on your personal preferences and chemistry, and no one can tell you the right answer except yourself. 🙂 

[MissCanuck]

I think you are simply craving physical intimacy.

I do not think you are secretly attracted to him. It's not like your brain is trying to keep secrets from...your brain. You are just responsive to physical touch and would like more of that, but not really from him specifically. 

However, it is important that you not lead him on. Draw a boundary with the touching. Tell him to please not do that, and remove his hand. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I think you are simply craving physical intimacy.

I do not think you are secretly attracted to him. It's not like your brain is trying to keep secrets from...your brain. You are just responsive to physical touch and would like more of that, but not really from him specifically. 

However, it is important that you not lead him on. Draw a boundary with the touching. Tell him to please not do that, and remove his hand. 

For me- personally -I had to desire to kiss the person by the 4th date or I didn't continue.  Or enjoy kissing him.  Certainly part of attraction is enjoying touch but the pull for me -again just personally -is based on the desire to be close to the person physically and the desire to be intimate-even if it's not acted on in the least.  For example on the first platonic catch up dinner with my future husband he told me about the apartment he was staying in for the summer on a really cool block of the city about ten blocks away, a bit out of my way to go home on the subway,  In my head I was making up ways  to see if I could continue our time together so I offered to walk with him home (ridiculous because obviously he could walk himself) and then he invited me to see the place. I had no interest in acting on the attraction but when you feel the pull you want to continue to be close to the person ,etc

The evening ended entirely platonic - I stayed maybe a half hour- we chatted more.  He obviously felt the spark too -in hindsight -I had no idea if and didn't ask.  So again for me it's mostly about what is my desire toward this person? 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

It’s such a wrong and guilt-inducing assessment to make.  

Why do you assume I behave in a way that invites him to touch me ? 

When he tells me that he feels anxious (which he does sometimes), would you tell he also wants me to touch him ? (I don’t btw)
Probably not. We talk about these things as friends 🤷‍♀️

I don’t have touchy friends, so talking about my negative emotions never elicit this kind of reaction ! 

I may not have emphasized this enough but what I was trying to say is that he finds any excuses he can find to put his hands on me. 
 

If I tell him I feel tired since its getting late, he says « oh poor thing ! » and he caresses the back of my head. 
 

If I trip on something to the point of (almost) falling, he will laugh and rub my back. 

If we’re taking a group picture, he’ll put his arm around my waist for a few seconds, in order to indicate me to get closer to the camera, even though he could just tell me. 

You see ? It’s not my behavior that invites him to touch me, or like you put it bluntly : I don’t treat him like a blankie 🙄

I was repeating what you wrote -now you know if you share that you are anxious he gets touchy -so either tell him no and move your body away or stop sharing every time  you feel anxious and if you feel that anxious why are you hanging around him? I totally understand he's finding all sorts of excuses. It takes two.  Say gently but firmly "I feel uncomfortable when  you touch me like that."  And move away.  

I don't see an issue with my bluntness- I think it's helpful -you're overthinking this in one way and I'm not sure why  -maybe partly you want to be able to cuddle and play footsies so to speak and if as a bonus you're attracted you won't be leading him on. It's hard to tell someone to stop and it often requires polite bluntness.  

How often are you tripping and falling? Was this a one time thing? 

[tattoobunnie]

I've never dated another man that looks anything like my husband or his build.  I didn't even notice him the first time I met him, when my friends thought he was HOT.  I didn't even think of dating him, and we were platonic friends for two years.  Then we dated briefly and went our separate ways for 14 years.  We reconnected as friends, an I've learned, it's not just appearances that drives attraction; your hormones do!!!  I ovulated for an entire month (as per my gynie) being with my hubs. 

Your head may want one thing, but your heart and body wants another!  If he's kind and considerate, stay open!  And if you really are turned off by his behavior, stop hanging out.

[Shycarrot]

1 hour ago, tattoobunnie said:

Your head may want one thing, but your heart and body wants another! 

I don’t have the time to reply to all of you, yet, sorry, but I just wanted to react to this ⬆️

I think this is a dangerous statement to make and as posters said, we can experience arousal non-concordance. 

When I have a clear head, it’s obvious that I am not attracted to this guy : I absolutely don’t find him attractive or sexy. 
 

1 hour ago, tattoobunnie said:

If he's kind and considerate, stay open! 

But if he was so kind and considerate, he would not have crossed my boundaries by starting to become touchy when I explicitly said I didn’t want anything more than friendship, would he ? 

It’s not like we were friends for 6 months before. He became touchy very shortly after we started to hang out 😭

So, in that specific instance, he was not considerate to my needs nor feelings 😅

Sure, I was vulnerable and touch-starved, so him touching felt warm and confusing. But it does not change the fact that he should have listened to me. 

I am sorry, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I acutely dislike his behavior 😞 

 

 

[SophiaG]

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

I think this is a dangerous statement to make and as posters said, we can experience arousal non-concordance.

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

But if he was so kind and considerate, he would not have crossed my boundaries by starting to become touchy when I explicitly said I didn’t want anything more than friendship, would he ? 

Agree 100%. Sounds like he's actually taking advantage of your confusion and vulnerability. Be safe!