The herpes stigma

[ignite]

I've been doing a huge amount of research into herpes, as I'm currently dating someone with genital herpes and it's quite alarming how severe the stigma is.

So according to the statistics, 67% globally have herpes simplex virus type 1 (HSV-1) infection, the main cause of oral herpes. That's 3.7 billion! 
An estimated 491 million people aged 15–49 (13%) worldwide have herpes simplex virus type 2 (HSV-2) infection, the main cause of genital herpes. That's 491 million.

With such huge numbers why then the persistent stigma? What's more is that those numbers are likely to be even higher given the fact that alot of people aren't even aware that they have it as sometimes the symptoms are so mild they can be ignored as a random skin infection or something. 

No one could care less if these sores are on the mouth and lips but when it's on the genitals people freak out and assume that person must have been highly promiscuous when that is not necessarily the case.

Because of the stigma, most people, would stop dating / break up with someone who discloses they have it without perhaps understanding the condition fully. 

I've heard from a few of you already but good to know some more stories of other users either if you have it currently or have or are dating someone with it. 

[Batya33]

Why are you assuming it is a stigma? People do not want to contract an STD especially women who might want to have a child.  Make sense to me -getting an STD or any sort of similar infection is something most people want to avoid. My friend has it and has had LTRs and is married now for many years.  

Someone I dated for a couple of weeks asked me about what looked like a sore on my lip.  To my knowledge it was a scar from a childhood accident from around 30 years earlier.  He was quite concerned. No one else I ever dated ever asked about it or noticed it.  

[yogacat]

I agree with Bat; it's not always about "stigma," but more the preference of not wanting to compromise one's health when they themselves do not have it.

I also think some percentage of people do view it as "dirty" or "promiscuous." The stigma apart from personal health issues also affects people emotionally and socially.

If I had been really into someone and felt our relationship could go far and he disclosed, I would have really appreciated his honesty, and I probably would want to find workarounds to continue hypothetically dating him-without putting him or myself at risk.

😊

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, ignite said:

No one could care less if these sores are on the mouth and lips but when it's on the genitals people freak out and assume that person must have been highly promiscuous ....

 @igniteI did not participate in your previous thread but I read it in it's entirety and your thread elsewhere and this^^ is the true 'elephant in the room' for you, is it not?  

Since you discovered this, you see/view her differently -- less "pure," less "virginal," less "feminine" and you are/were questioning your attraction and feelings. 

You said as much in your previous threads, here and elsewhere.

In short and let's be honest otherwise we cannot advise you properly, you consider her some sort of a "hoe" since discovering this, excuse my bluntness but I'm trying to be real here. 

There is no judgment, and I do know other men who would make the same false assumption, likening it to a woman with a "high notch count" and making all sorts of false assumptions about her character based on that. 

I'm wondering since creating your previous threads, do you still feel this way?  

I truly hope you've been able to sort at least some of that out, but if not my advice is break up with her. Please. 

Sadly this disclosure has broken/ruined your "image" of her and try as you might to get past it and view her in the same light as before you discovered this, I don't you will be able to.

Again no judgment, your feel as you feel.

You are not a bad horrible person to feel this way, but I think she deserves better. 

JMO.

[ShySoul]

Hi again. Glad you did the homework, and glad to see your view is starting to change.

I think a lot of it comes down to our environments and experiences growing up. The things we are exposed to and taught to believe stick with us. 

I was raised in a liberal, diverse area. My parents were a mixed couple, they had childen out of wedlock (not with each other), one had been divorced. I lived near a center for gay rights. It was not uncommon to see gay and lesbian couples in plain sight. Aids and other STDs were in the news and taught about normally.

I was raised to accept that all these people were just that, people, and as such were deserving of the same love and respect as anyone else. So I never attached a stigma to anyone who was different in some way.

Unfortunately, a lot of people live inside an echo chamber of their own beliefs. They don't associate with people different then them or take the time to learn about those people. They are taught one way, and they only associate with those who feel the same. The repeat things they have been taught and don't take the time to question it.

Sex as a topic in general isn't something some people feel comfortable with. And given your religion being so important to you, it's easy to see why you might have got certain ideas about her. Some religion teaches very narrow definitions of what is acceptable sexual behavior.

Even amongst non-religious people or those who are more open sexually, there can still be certain bias formed. I've heard intelligent people I trust make assumptions about strippers/strip clubs or models for OnlyFans type sites.

You can't change a stigma like that overnight. All you can do is educate yourself and change how you view things. If you can appreciate her and her experience, then that it what counts. 

[Batya33]

Oh ok I see the stigma of if you got an STD you must have slept around. Some people are lied to. Some are not - their partner didn’t know. Some get it from a person who they’re married to but cheated on them. So honestly I didn’t think of it that way. I had relatively few partners and made sure I was checked annually for any STD. 

[ignite]

5 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 @igniteI did not participate in your previous thread but I read it in it's entirety and your thread elsewhere and this^^ is the true 'elephant in the room' for you, is it not?  

Since you discovered this, you see/view her differently -- less "pure," less "virginal," less "feminine" and you are/were questioning your attraction and feelings. 

You said as much in your previous threads, here and elsewhere.

In short and let's be honest otherwise we cannot advise you properly, you consider her some sort of a "hoe" since discovering this, excuse my bluntness but I'm trying to be real here. 

There is no judgment, and I do know other men who would make the same false assumption, likening it to a woman with a "high notch count" and making all sorts of false assumptions about her character based on that. 

I'm wondering since creating your previous threads, do you still feel this way?  

I truly hope you've been able to sort at least some of that out, but if not my advice is break up with her. Please. 

Sadly this disclosure has broken/ruined your "image" of her and try as you might to get past it and view her in the same light as before you discovered this, I don't you will be able to.

Again no judgment, your feel as you feel.

You are not a bad horrible person to feel this way, but I think she deserves better. 

JMO.

Hi @rainbowsandroses thanks for your comments.

100% you are correct, and I have alluded to this in my previous posts, about how my image of her being this ultra feminine, innocent, pure woman has been shattered by this revelation.  And I understand that is my own insecurity/hang up so perhaps if anything this experience is teaching me something important.  That’s what led to the panic and anxiety earlier in the week when she told me, it just flattened me.  On a slightly more positive note, her past was not as promiscuous as I feared, so I think I can come to terms with that at least.  I think I’m really trying to separate the person she is now from the person in the past which, she admits too, are two very different people.  That person in the past is gone and I can accept that but the kicker is that this STD is a constant reminder of that person and the past.  So emotionally, that’s what I fear not being able to get over, in my head. 

 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, ignite said:

bout how my image of her being this ultra feminine, innocent, pure woman has been shattered by this revelation

Did you think she was a virgin? This reminds me of a text chat I had with a friend I met after I got married and had a baby.  I mentioned to her that my FB profile photo is my wedding lunch and I wore blue because we were having a boy -I was in my 8th month and we got married for love and had been trying to conceive for over a year before we got married. Because we were old.Anyway she was absolutely shocked but in more of a judgy way - like somehow my choosing to get pregnant without being married yet was inconsistent with what she thought she knew of me.  I was shocked she was shocked and didn't love the reaction.  Guess there's still a stigma of getting knocked up before getting married ,too.

[ignite]

4 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Hi again. Glad you did the homework, and glad to see your view is starting to change.

I think a lot of it comes down to our environments and experiences growing up. The things we are exposed to and taught to believe stick with us. 

I was raised in a liberal, diverse area. My parents were a mixed couple, they had childen out of wedlock (not with each other), one had been divorced. I lived near a center for gay rights. It was not uncommon to see gay and lesbian couples in plain sight. Aids and other STDs were in the news and taught about normally.

I was raised to accept that all these people were just that, people, and as such were deserving of the same love and respect as anyone else. So I never attached a stigma to anyone who was different in some way.

Unfortunately, a lot of people live inside an echo chamber of their own beliefs. They don't associate with people different then them or take the time to learn about those people. They are taught one way, and they only associate with those who feel the same. The repeat things they have been taught and don't take the time to question it.

Sex as a topic in general isn't something some people feel comfortable with. And given your religion being so important to you, it's easy to see why you might have got certain ideas about her. Some religion teaches very narrow definitions of what is acceptable sexual behavior.

Even amongst non-religious people or those who are more open sexually, there can still be certain bias formed. I've heard intelligent people I trust make assumptions about strippers/strip clubs or models for OnlyFans type sites.

You can't change a stigma like that overnight. All you can do is educate yourself and change how you view things. If you can appreciate her and her experience, then that it what counts. 

Hi @ShySoul and thanks again for your nice comments and thoughts and I can see where your empathy comes from with your background and how you were brought up. 

This last weekend, a short time before we parted, I opened up to her and mentioned how I have been feeling about everything and was honest in my concerns.  She said she had been a feeling a little unsettled since she shared but ultimately what she wants, is for me not to be anxious and worry about this which is obviously what I want too.  She is a little worried I guess that in time to come I may just not be able to come to terms with everything and by that point we will be serious at that stage and we might both end up getting hurt.  Of course I don’t want that.  I did express I wanted to continue and see where things went because I do like her and see great qualities in her and I still do feel that way about her.  So we’ll see.  The real question is can I overcome this and be at peace with the circumstances?  I don’t want to feel like I’ve been “shortchanged” or like I’m settling because…I know how hard it is finding that spark and connection.  I have found it almost impossible in my 40 years to find someone who I find attractive and someone who I feel/be myself with in every way.  And who knows, what if the next woman I date has herpes too?  It’s possible given the numbers.  There are many on here who are saying they would never date someone with a STD and so on, but how do you know because in most circumstances that person wouldn’t tell you at least for a while until there a connection is formed and if 60-70% of people already have one form of herpes, then it's almost inevitable that you will end up dating someone who is infected, at some point in your life.  

So yes, am battling with both the physical and emotional side of this but another aspect which made me really ponder - is this just unfortunate luck that I think I may finally met a great, genuine person who I click with (rare) who I find physically attractive and vice versa (even more rare!) only for this to happen.  I know, of course a person's value is far more than their medical condition, whatever it is.  This does not identify her.  I do wonder is there something about me that has attracted her to me.  Ok perhaps I’m over thinking now but the reason I say that, and this is me being totally honest, I did think that she was super attractive and girls like her are not usually interested in guys like me.  There was a little part of me (before she told me) that did make me wonder for a moment, is this too good to be true almost… I don't know.  It's not like she hasn't had relationship since she's had this.  

I really haven't had an easy time with relationships, dating, finding my life partner. There have been many times when I finally thought, maybe this is it...only for it to fall apart or just fizzle out or more than often, something just wasn't there for either of us (the connection or the physical attraction).  I didn't get too over excited with this one, but I thought at 40, perhaps this is it, finally... But yet again, it may be a case of so close yet so far. 

[ignite]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Did you think she was a virgin? This reminds me of a text chat I had with a friend I met after I got married and had a baby.  I mentioned to her that my FB profile photo is my wedding lunch and I wore blue because we were having a boy -I was in my 8th month and we got married for love and had been trying to conceive for over a year before we got married. Because we were old.Anyway she was absolutely shocked but in more of a judgy way - like somehow my choosing to get pregnant without being married yet was inconsistent with what she thought she knew of me.  I was shocked she was shocked and didn't love the reaction.  Guess there's still a stigma of getting knocked up before getting married ,too.

Yes I guess we all have these pre-conceived ideas of people and the way we think they should behave.  But to answer your question, no actually, I already knew she wasn't because she had alluded to her past as a little "wild" so I knew from this.  And here's the thing I was prepared to accept this.  I guess what I didn't expect was the STD addition.  

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, ignite said:

Yes I guess we all have these pre-conceived ideas of people and the way we think they should behave.  But to answer your question, no actually, I already knew she wasn't because she had alluded to her past as a little "wild" so I knew from this.  And here's the thing I was prepared to accept this.  I guess what I didn't expect was the STD addition.  

Why then the notion that she was innocent, etc if she'd alluded to a wild past?

[ignite]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Why then the notion that she was innocent, etc if she'd alluded to a wild past?

I guess, in the person I see now, in general - her personality, her feminine, soft voice and nature, her gentleness and so on.  To me these things denote purity I guess.  

[ignite]

6 hours ago, yogacat said:

If I had been really into someone and felt our relationship could go far and he disclosed, I would have really appreciated his honesty, and I probably would want to find workarounds to continue hypothetically dating him-without putting him or myself at risk.

😊

And that's exactly the spot I'm in now.  I know it hasn't been that long but so far I do like this person enough to keep going and see where this goes.  And in terms of the physical risk, as I've said, that would only be something to be faced with in marriage anyway.

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, ignite said:

And that's exactly the spot I'm in now.  I know it hasn't been that long but so far I do like this person enough to keep going and see where this goes.  And in terms of the physical risk, as I've said, that would only be something to be faced with in marriage anyway.

I'm not sure what type of Herpes she has but if it's HSV-1, HSV-1 is not usually se**ally transmitted. Most people get it from having had the infection as a child. It lays dormant in the body indefinitely, sometimes flaring up sporadically, sometimes not. 

I suppose that doesn't really matter because you admit you associate an STD w/past promiscuity right?

Either what this means is that your image of her is shattered not by what she did but that she now has a label. Or you have to work on how you view other people in general because people with STDs are not forever tainted. 

Someone can test positive for syphilis and she automatically presumed that made her dirty when in reality the only thing she did "wrong" was trust somebody's word when they said they were clean.

Of course, you can't help having these feelings, but you can examine where they're coming from, and you can realize where they’re coming from, and you can pass these feelings ON or you can figure out a way to bring real understanding, in how someone else’s past changes absolutely nothing about their past and that you have absolute zero control over it anyway. Not like you can alter it.  

This is just one more opportunity to learn that you really don’t know someone when you think you do, like really solid relationships where life can be shared with acceptance and love as opposed to contempt and rejection because of a box that forever categorizes someone off- in this case an STD that has been contracted in the past.  

I’m by no means saying you're a bad apple-this is a chance to grow--just we all have these unrealistic expectations about life and people Manhattan and the sparkly outside we ideally want them to have and sometimes people, stuff and life at large just don't fit INTO that neat box.

See, we all have our limits, this is yours, you just have to decide if this line in the sand is permanent or you're willing to get out your box onto the bigger playing field beyond the limitations you set for yourself and see if you can have it more your way by adopting someone just as they are rather than how you hope or envision them.

The decision is yours to make in terms of whether or not you want to continue the relationship. But don't let fear and stigma be the driving force behind your decision. Instead, focus on the person and the relationship as a whole and see if it is something worth pursuing.

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, ignite said:

I really haven't had an easy time with relationships, dating, finding my life partner. There have been many times when I finally thought, maybe this is it...only for it to fall apart or just fizzle out or more than often, something just wasn't there for either of us (the connection or the physical attraction).  I didn't get too over excited with this one, but I thought at 40, perhaps this is it, finally... But yet again, it may be a case of so close yet so far. 

In my just over 40 years I can say just about the same. Finding someone with whom you click with on every level is like finding the needle in the haystack. Women don't tend to be interested in a guy like me either, or at least not many I've noticed. And with the few that have, there is always something that comes up. If it wasn't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.

That's how I know that when that rare bolt of lightning comes along, you hold onto it as long as possible. You find a way through the issues that come up. And you focus on things that really count in the present, not on things that may have happened in the past.

1 hour ago, ignite said:

 I do wonder is there something about me that has attracted her to me.

There is. You. I'm going to guess she's interested in the whole package. I'm sure if asked she would rattle off a list of things she is attracted to in you. At least, that's been my experience. But really, don't question it. Enjoy it. When someone finally loved me I couldn't understand it. I thought it was too good to be true. And yes, it didn't work out. But for the time I had it, I embraced it and saw that it was true in that moment.

Anything can happen in the future. But you have today. And today, you love her and she loves you.

2 hours ago, ignite said:

I guess, in the person I see now, in general - her personality, her feminine, soft voice and nature, her gentleness and so on.  To me these things denote purity I guess. 

Like the saying goes, don't judge a book by it's cover. You can't make assumptions about someone entirely on things like that. But that still doesn't mean it has to be a bad thing.

None of us are entirely pure. And I don't think any of us are entirely bad. We're all trying to find our way somewhere in the middle. Even the best of us make mistakes or have had rough periods, gone through things that impact us the rest of our lives. 

Sometimes going through these experiences make us better people in the long run. We learn from them. We want to be better. 

She had a "wild" past. So do lots of people. She carries with her something from that past, as do a lot of people. But it doesn't define her. Who she is, is the person you are with today. If that is someone you like, then give it a chance. 

Purity can be overrated anyway. As long as you connect, fun together and agree to handle things together, the past should remain in the past. 

Thus ends the sermon. 😁 

[Kwothe28]

14 hours ago, ignite said:

Because of the stigma, most people, would stop dating / break up with someone who discloses they have it without perhaps understanding the condition fully. 

 

I am sorry, but "not contacting an STD" is perfectly fine reason for not dating somebody. Its not the matter of promiscuity or not, its the matter of preserving your own health. If your relationship "gets consumated"(as I remember you are in some church group so maybe it wont be till marriage but still) you will be endangering your own health by doing so. Simple as that.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, ignite said:

I guess, in the person I see now, in general - her personality, her feminine, soft voice and nature, her gentleness and so on.  To me these things denote purity I guess.  

Okkkk so would you be ok with her finding you not masculine enough if you don't act in a stereotypical cliche scripted way in response to situations where you're supposed to be her male protector -not saying she feels that way but you know it goes both ways.  If you are focused on "purity" why are you dating someone who had a wild side -does she say she is "cleansed" of that time and now wants to aspire to purity? How old is she? I found my voice in my teen years- my assertive voice - and I have many stereotypical feminine qualities -people change and grow personally -are you ok with that? Her gentleness might continue or it might take a back seat if she develops in her career, if she has to advocate for your kids or for aging parents - please don't be with her if your vision of "purity" are these mannerisms - mannerisms can denote deeper values but not always for sure and for certain not with women who might be in their 20s or 30s and still finding their path.

I also agree with Kwok.  It's fine to make decisions not to date certain people based on health concerns whether you could get an STD or whether the person has a medical or mental health condition you don't feel equipped to handle, or a woman who cannot have children and doesn't want to adopt and you want children.

[ignite]

6 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I am sorry, but "not contacting an STD" is perfectly fine reason for not dating somebody. Its not the matter of promiscuity or not, its the matter of preserving your own health. If your relationship "gets consumated"(as I remember you are in some church group so maybe it wont be till marriage but still) you will be endangering your own health by doing so. Simple as that.

Hi.  Yes of course, I'm not saying that it isn't a good reason, it is more than reasonable, of course.  However, as I've said numerous times now, we won't have any sexual intimacy before marriage so that cuts out any risk in that sense.  And this is not a life threatening disease, so the "endangering" term is not really appropriate, as it is not a danger to health, rather more of an inconvenience in the vast majority of cases.  Sure it's not something anyone signs up for and if this was more of a casual relationship then of course I would walk away.  

[ignite]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

If you are focused on "purity" why are you dating someone who had a wild side -does she say she is "cleansed" of that time and now wants to aspire to purity? How old is she? 

Yes absolutely, she regrets the past immensely (obviously given the circumstances now which is why I'm here to start with) and was not a Christian at the time.  This all happened around 10 years ago.  

[yogacat]

2 hours ago, ignite said:

Yes absolutely, she regrets the past immensely (obviously given the circumstances now which is why I'm here to start with) and was not a Christian at the time.  This all happened around 10 years ago.  

If I may ask, what is your past sexual history? Well not in terms of detail, but have you been sexually active before you met your current partner?  Without strict terms, what could be classified as promiscuous?

Not trying to be provocative and ignore if my questions are inappropriate. Rather my thoughts were  if I could maybe understand if there is some common ground between you and this lady who has herpes. Not wanting to contract herpes for medical reasons is a perfectly valid reason but you're right there are deeper concerns you've highlighted that sound emotional in nature.

"Retain an image of her being this ultra feminine, innocent, pure woman" you've been spending time on some of your posts focusing on that and circuits back to your own self image "a woman like her would not be interested in guys like me."

Kind of sounds like you're struggling with your own confidence/self-worth which again is being projected on to her. Not blaming, just observing. 

[Kwothe28]

35 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Kind of sounds like you're struggling with your own confidence/self-worth which again is being projected on to her. Not blaming, just observing. 

I do realize this is a mystery to some of you who are not in the same way, but OP is, as far as I know, a Christian man of faith. To him, who doesnt even want to have sex until marriage, finding out his SO was somebody who had it and that she contracted an STD, is "life shattering" experience. To caricature a bit it would be like you going to McDonalds and ordering a BigMac. And getting McChicken with McSalmonela. Nothing to do with his confidence but with his standards that are shattered in a way with new revelation. He simply got more than he expected.

There are quite a few "Born again Christians" in that way. Having "wild past" and then repent. At least here, I know a few cases. Some of them even ended up like nuns in convict. Nothing wrong with changing your life around. Which does brings me to my next question.

OP, how are the other aspects of relationship? STD and past aside, is she caring to you? How long have you been together? Do you have a good conversation? Do your goals for future align, for example do you both want(or maybe dont want) kids of your own? Yes, this is not really what you expected but there are a lot of other stuff you should pay attention to if you want to determine if this is it or not. 

[yogacat]

9 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I do realize this is a mystery to some of you who are not in the same way, but OP is, as far as I know, a Christian man of faith. To him, who doesnt even want to have sex until marriage, finding out his SO was somebody who had it and that she contracted an STD, is "life shattering" experience. To caricature a bit it would be like you going to McDonalds and ordering a BigMac. And getting McChicken with McSalmonela. Nothing to do with his confidence but with his standards that are shattered in a way with new revelation. He simply got more than he expected.

There are quite a few "Born again Christians" in that way. Having "wild past" and then repent. At least here, I know a few cases. Some of them even ended up like nuns in convict. Nothing wrong with changing your life around. Which does brings me to my next question.

OP, how are the other aspects of relationship? STD and past aside, is she caring to you? How long have you been together? Do you have a good conversation? Do your goals for future align, for example do you both want(or maybe dont want) kids of your own? Yes, this is not really what you expected but there are a lot of other stuff you should pay attention to if you want to determine if this is it or not. 

Right. I was just curious if he had a similar past and then "reborn" as well. I'm not trying to diminish his feels or such. But he stated that it was part of her past, and that he believed in forgiveness. 

Most Christians do believe in the importance of forgiveness and view it as a central aspect of their faith. They believe that everyone is capable of redemption and that past sins can be forgiven and forgotten (depends on the denomination of course...).

It's a perfectly valid reason not to want to proceed with someone for health reasons albeit I'm not hearing that as so much of a concern for health as much as a concern of a view of her as a pure, innocent girl damaged. 

[SophiaG]

Tricky situation. To each their own but, if I were her, knowing how you struggle to accept her as is and her past, I would not want to continue the relationship. Not that your feelings are wrong or anything, but please continue to be transparent with her as you process it and give her the chance to opt out too.

18 hours ago, ignite said:

I didn't get too over excited with this one, but I thought at 40, perhaps this is it, finally...

Please don't let your age or societal expectations etc pressure you into thinking someone has to be "it". What you wrote here seems to indicate you weren't that excited about her to begin with - or you meant you didn't want to get your hopes up?

[rainbowsandroses]

49 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Most Christians do believe in the importance of forgiveness and view it as a central aspect of their faith. They believe that everyone is capable of redemption and that past sins can be forgiven and forgotten (depends on the denomination of course...).

^^Agree with the "forgiven" part but not necessarily the "forgotten" part. 

And our OP may very well have "forgiven" her, he hasn't said. 

I am assuming based on what he's posted that he has.  

The question IS (imo) does his personal standard, internal moral code and religious beliefs allow for him to emotionally move past the "sin"? 

And forget?   Such that it bears no significance as if it never happened?  Which is what it's gonna take if they proceed forward together.  Imo.

Born again Christian or not, her past is part of who she is.  He can't erase that, it's there. 

I experienced a similar situation with "Elevator Guy" (if anyone recalls) and discovering three months in he had been an 'abuser' before seeking treatment.

He had 100% transformed himself and had turned that negative into a positive by devoting his time and energy to counseling other abusers. 

While I admired him for that and held no ill will, try as I might I could not emotionally move past it and ended our relationship.

To me, while the circumstances are different, this situation is essentially the same thing.

[yogacat]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

3 hours ago, yogacat said:

Most Christians do believe in the importance of forgiveness and view it as a central aspect of their faith. They believe that everyone is capable of redemption and that past sins can be forgiven and forgotten (depends on the denomination of course...).

^^Agree with the "forgiven" part but not necessarily the "forgotten" part. 

And our OP may very well have "forgiven" her, he hasn't said. 

I am assuming based on what he's posted that he has.  

The question IS (imo) does his personal standard, internal moral code and religious beliefs allow for him to emotionally move past the "sin"? 

And forget?   Such that it bears no significance as if it never happened?  Which is what it's gonna take if they proceed forward together.  Imo.

Born again Christian or not, her past is part of who she is.  He can't erase that, it's there. 

I experienced a similar situation with "Elevator Guy" (if anyone recalls) and discovering three months in he had been an 'abuser' before seeking treatment.

He had 100% transformed himself and had turned that negative into a positive by devoting his time and energy to counseling other abusers. 

While I admired him for that and held no ill will, try as I might I could not emotionally move past it and ended our relationship.

To me, while the circumstances are different, this situation is essentially the same thing.

I get that but quite frankly, she has nothing to "repent" to him for nor needs his forgiveness on. She had consensual sexual intercourse with other men BEFORE THEY MET. I am not sure what he views as promiscuous. Is it 1, 2, 3, 10 people? Casual hookups, etc.?

Still, her having sex outside the rules of the church is between her God and her.

Yes, the issue is OP can't erase that and he's struggling. I feel for him, I really do.

Someone being an abuser versus someone having consensual sex without harming another purposefully are a bit different. What is important is that you pulled the plug when you realized you couldn't go forward in a relationship with him.

So OP, you're debating this in your head, seem engaged in this self talk about all of it which is totally fine and part of this process.

If you're waiting for a point in your head where this woman's past stops being an issue, IT MAY VERY WELL, WON'T. You will torture yourself if you continue on. And your girlfriend deserves better than a full life with someone for whom her partner views her as "dirty" or damaged. Your views of her past are your view. Doesn't mean she has to accept them to spare another person's feelings.

That's like getting mad at your partner for having feelings for other people before you guys met. 😕

You can only change how you deal with it and if you can't then you have to make that decision. This could also be an opportunity to meet someone new who perhaps more aligns with your version of "morals."

I don't think you should have to "settle". There are plenty of girls out there who do not have a past similar to your girlfriends'.