Recently Broke Up

[thelogride]

Hello, I can’t believe I’m back on here looking for support, but here I am. I told myself that my next relationship would be my last because I’m beyond ready to settle down and find a wife. 
 

Within the last 3 months, I started talking to a beautiful girl who I’ll refer to as Cary. That’s not her name, but you get the point. We both started talking and hit it off so well. We took things very slow, and slow to the point where we were scared to date because we were both scared of getting hurt. We got along so well, and it grew like any relationship does - messaging, calling, seeing each other, and hanging out. Our families and friends knew we were a thing. Things were going SO well, she would always tell me that I’m the best thing that’s happened to her and that she can’t believe how anyone hurt me before. She promised she wouldn’t do the same. Things were going perfectly, until she had to move an hour away. She was temporally living at home with her parents as she had recently moved back to our state  about 8 months ago. She had moved into her own apartment a month ago now an hour away from me. She was living with her parents 30 min away from me, so no biggie. However, this was a life change as she was back on her own. For context, I’m 28 and she’s 24. We told each other we couldn’t date until after the move because we wanted to see how she adjusted. This was mutual, because we were very much on the same page. I can’t stress enough how well we were clicking and the endless quality conversations we would have. Fast forward only 4 days later… we go to the state fair and have the best of times together. We go back the very next night, and she went with some coworkers bc I camp at the fair with family so I was already there. I met up with her. She had a VERY jealous coworker who ended up drinking too much and hitting me in the head and then subsequently leaving the fair and broke her car window and keyed her car. We found this out after we went to her car for the night and saw it destroyed. she filed a police report, and we thought it would be easy since she parked at the State Capitol and there were cameras. Fast forward a little bit.. this dude didn’t come to work for 2 weeks and the cameras weren’t working at the time and he didn’t admit guilt, so she’s now stuck paying $4k out of pocket to fix her car. Needless to say that stressed her out. It’s important to note that this coworker and her didn’t have any relationship at all, and I can say this for a fact. No doubt. 
 

During all of this, I personally was having major anxiety and couldn’t pinpoint the reason. I think I was so anxious because I was growing more and more attached to her, and I was scared of what seems to be inevitable for me with getting hurt in a relationship. That terrifies me, and Cary noticed. We talked about my anxiety and hers too, and we both stressed that we would be there for each other. During this time, she got a job interview that also stressed her out for a promotion and got the job. This is great news you’d think, although she’s extremely unhappy with where she works but feels trapped. With this promotion, she will work lots more hours and doing more physical work. She stated she wouldn’t have enough time to focus on herself. That had me concerned. 
 

I’m mainly only talking about the bad events, but please believe me there were plenty good events. There was nothing that ever went wrong between us besides disagreeing one time on a political issue, but we agreed to not talk about it after 5 minutes. We did everything together despite living an hour away. With all of this added stress in her life, there was 1 day 10 days ago exact where she was forced to go to HR and report this coworker because she no longer felt safe at work. Ever since she did that, she flipped like a light switch. She was being less responsive, less flirty, less connected. I knew something was up. 2 days later she told me she wasn’t sure if she was ready for a relationship at this time with all of this stuff going on in her life. She then immediately followed it up saying she regretted saying that because she has so much love for me but feels so torn on what she should do. She assured me there’s nobody else, and that she just needs to focus on herself and her own wellbeing. She’s stressed with moving, stressed with work, will be working LOTS more hours for basically the rest of the year. Stressed with her coworker and HR, and ultimately she’s not happy with where she’s at in life. She told me she can’t be enough for me since she’s not enough for herself, and she needs to learn to be happy with herself first and needs to do that alone. I told her I respected her wanting to better herself and noticing something was off. She was depressed. 
 

She went a little back and forth, saying she would feel better and asking me to come over and stay with her. She would ultimately bail or forget to ask me later to come over and say she forgot. She would then say again that she’s not ready for a relationship and it needs to end. She would go right back again and say her heart is telling her to not lose me because, and I quote, “there’s no red flags in you, in fact, you’re just one giant green flag. I know I’ll regret this in the future…”. She says she still has feelings for me and her heart tells her to stay with me but her gut says she needs to be alone and learn to love herself. This went on for about 5 days where she would go back and forth. On the 3rd day we talked on the phone and identified the word ‘space’ and decided that’s the word she couldn’t name. I say this because she cannot understand her thoughts on any of this and was just overwhelmed. So, I give her space and immediately after an afternoon of not talking she asks me if she overstepped by texting me reaching out. I said no, because obviously this space is for her and not me. I left out that second part, but I assured her I’m right here for her when she’s ready. She asked me to come stay the night again which I agreed. She later would “fall asleep” on her way home from a trip that night and she didn’t get home until super late. Which is true to her credit. I didn’t hear from her for over a day until I reached out 4 days ago and asked her how she’s doing and that I’m thinking about her. She got super upset and said she had more thoughts about being alone and said this is what she needs. I naturally protested and said I can be with her throughout the way but she said she doesn’t love herself and needs to be alone and do this alone. She told me previously that she’s never truly been single, and that she got out of an on and off relationship JUST before we started talking. She said it’s not healthy and she would bring toxicity towards me from old relationships if she doesn’t work on herself. She said it’s over, we’re done, and nothing more needs to be said. I left her saying I’m leaving the door open if she ever comes around, told her that I care about her, and that I’ll pray for her. It’s been over 4 days now, so still VERY recent. I’ve gone no contact and we haven’t spoken to each other once. She didn’t block me or remove me from social media, however she’s VERY active on it now posting stories way more often than before. Noticeably more in fact. 
 

One thing about me is I always look too far into things as I’m always looking to cling to some “hope” or reason that a girl might change her mind and “come back” or have regrets or be thinking about me. I’m almost certain she’s thinking about me, just because I think removing someone from your life leaves a big hole that can’t be filled right away, so you’ll obviously be missing what you no longer have that you loved. 
 

I’m going to do No Contact indefinitely, and I know that’s the correct way to go forward. This is my own maturity from going through these in the past, I just know NC is the best way to heal. I still can’t help but hope she changes her mind, or has a realization that she’s missing out on a once in a lifetime guy who will do everything for her. She even said she WILL regret this in the future, but she just can’t do a relationship right now and needs to be alone. She told me just an hour before we ended things that she has feelings for me, but ended it anyways. Is it wrong of me to cling onto hope that she will text me or something along those lines saying she made a mistake?? I know that’s not the correct way for me to think, but it’s what I want to happen so badly. I’ve been praying nonstop about it because I once again feel like she’s the one and only girl for me. Thankfully I’ve been through this before so I know it CAN get better, but I’m still heartbroken. I want her back so badly, I want to be with her. Her social media presence being a lot higher is seemingly her trying to paint a picture that she’s living a perfect life now or something or she’s trying to get my attention or just fill the void that I left. I want her back so badly, I’d do anything. It always seems that other people I know and see have exes/girlfriends come back.. I’ve never ONCE had this happen to me, and that makes me so mad for some reason. I strongly feel that if I keep NC that she may eventually reach out to me missing me, after she has time to herself. She also might not at all. She mentioned on the phone one night that she’s not sure how long it would take for her to be ready. She said it could be hours, days, weeks, months or even years. She just doesn’t know. I also want to stress how emotional she was when we talked on the phone at the end. This wasn’t an easy decision for her and she was crying lots.. this all had taken so much of a toll on her that she literally passed out at work the day before we split up. She’s clearly overwhelmed and has too much on her mind. 
 

This might be hopeful, but I feel like if there’s ever a time where an ex would reach out and want you back, this would be one of those times. We never had ANY problems at all, and things were perfect. Her mom even told her not to let go of me because of how great I was for her. I’m already No Contact with her, and tomorrow will be day 5. She’s seemingly living a perfect life on social media these last 5 days. What should I expect, and more importantly, what should I do with the possible outcomes? Those outcomes being she never reaches out again, she reaches out in the not-near future, or she reaches out in the very near future. What if she wants to reconcile and says she feels better after having space?? Wishful thinking and clinging to hope, I know, but I’ll own it. 
 

if there’s any additional information that anyone wishes to obtain about our relationship dynamic, just let me know. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Basically have to respect her wishes and not push the subject.

Hard to believe the cameras weren't working at the capital.

 

 

[thelogride]

36 minutes ago, shouldhavelearned said:

Basically have to respect her wishes and not push the subject.

Hard to believe the cameras weren't working at the capital.

 

 

I know right… it’s so crazy and reallllly made both of us mad that they “weren’t working”. Like seriously?? At the Capitol? What a joke, but whatever. Doesn’t change much, but definitely adds stress. 
 

I’m currently respecting her wishes by not talking to her as our relationship is over, and I hope that’s the correct move. I’m sure it is, however I’m still clinging to hope that she will reach out to me soon. I know it’s a possibility, but I also know it’s a more likely outcome if she doesn’t. Heartbreak is hard. 

[MissCanuck]

I am sorry you're going through this. 

When someone gets this flakey after just 3 months of dating, it's not going to work. They either don't know their own minds, are lying about there being nobody else, or have serious underlying issues - all of which render them unsuitable for a relationship. 

Amd I'm sorry to say, but the coworker issue is very suspicious. That's an awfully crazy reaction for someone with zero personal history with her. I don't think you're getting the whole story there, man. I know you want to believe you are, but I am quite sure there are more pieces to that puzzle. 

3 hours ago, thelogride said:

t’s so crazy and reallllly made both of us mad that they “weren’t working”. Like seriously?? At the Capitol?

Who gave you this information? 

[thelogride]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I am sorry you're going through this. 

When someone gets this flakey after just 3 months of dating, it's not going to work. They either don't know their own minds, are lying about there being nobody else, or have serious underlying issues - all of which render them unsuitable for a relationship. 

Amd I'm sorry to say, but the coworker issue is very suspicious. That's an awfully crazy reaction for someone with zero personal history with her. I don't think you're getting the whole story there, man. I know you want to believe you are, but I am quite sure there are more pieces to that puzzle. 

Who gave you this information? 

I agree it’s not going to work, but part of me keeps hoping with how back and forth she was and how unsure she was on her decision that she will reach out at some point and have regrets. I know that’s not the way to think, but I can’t help it. 
 

I understand the coworker situation sounds way more than suspicious to think they maybe had something at some point in time. Trust me, I know. This coworker was her team lead of a sort and so she worked with him a lot. This guy has a history of misconduct towards females at work, and Cary I guess is just the latest victim. I don’t want to be mean but he’s the standard creepy guy with his appearance and behavior. He’s not exactly attractive. Again, that sounds mean but I’m just sharing what I can tell. I could be mistaken though, although I’m going off of what Cary said and I don’t think she would lie to me about anything. 
 

the state patrol has jurisdiction over state grounds and they said the cameras weren’t working at the time, so there’s no video. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I am sorry you're going through this. 

When someone gets this flakey after just 3 months of dating, it's not going to work. They either don't know their own minds, are lying about there being nobody else, or have serious underlying issues - all of which render them unsuitable for a relationship. 

Amd I'm sorry to say, but the coworker issue is very suspicious. That's an awfully crazy reaction for someone with zero personal history with her. I don't think you're getting the whole story there, man. I know you want to believe you are, but I am quite sure there are more pieces to that puzzle. 

Who gave you this information? 

All of this.  To add - you both started on really shaky ground - all of this fear just to date - that doesn't bode well and it's choosing fear over getting to know another person.  Almost everyone has some fear about being rejected by a person they want to date.  With rare exception. I'm referring to how you both chose fear to the extent you wouldn't go out on dates. The extent of how you both reacted to your fears. Not that you had some fear.  My sense is her reaction was because she liked the attention and wasn't available to date you or anyone so she figured if  you were too scared to actually date her she could bask in the attention and pretend to be in a romantic relationship by "talking"

Watch the feet not the lips -she might feel love but she's not giving love - meaning her actions are not consistent with wanting to be with you -it's BS to say "too busy at work" -please - I was incredibly stressed and busy at a more than full time job for most of my dating - 24 years of dating on and off -and I dated men in very similar situations and if we were into each other we made the time.

The coworker was jealous because he was attracted to her - I'm 99.9% certain of this - it's possible she had no idea but consider that she was happy  to bask in all your attention and flattery and then a few months in she's "too busy" and has to "focus on herself". Most likely she had a flirtation or affair with coworker, she ended it, he freaked out.

I'm very very sorry you were a crime victim -that is so awful.

[SophiaG]

10 hours ago, thelogride said:

We never had ANY problems at all, and things were perfect.

But you did have problems - anxiety, wanting to break up, etc. Those are huge problems that you should not experience if things are good - not necessarily perfect - in a new relationship of a few months. Sorry for your pain. NC is the way to go. Hope you can heal soon.

[SophiaG]

1 hour ago, thelogride said:

with how back and forth she was and how unsure she was on her decision that she will reach out at some point and have regrets.

She may well reach out or have regrets but don't let her backtrack. Back and forth is unreliable crappy behavior in relationships. You don't want someone who's so unsure about you and toy with your feelings. Anything that's not a resounding yes is a no.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, thelogride said:

I agree it’s not going to work, but part of me keeps hoping with how back and forth she was and how unsure she was on her decision that she will reach out at some point and have regrets. I know that’s not the way to think, but I can’t help it. 

It's normal to have those thoughts when the break-up was not mutual. You're human. 

However, I think you would find that even if she did come back, you would feel even more afraid and insecure. You would have a hard time trusting the connection, and rightfully so. You know that she wasn't sure and could easily bounce again. 

In other words, it probably wouldn't work out the second time around either. 

[thelogride]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

All of this.  To add - you both started on really shaky ground - all of this fear just to date - that doesn't bode well and it's choosing fear over getting to know another person.  Almost everyone has some fear about being rejected by a person they want to date.  With rare exception. I'm referring to how you both chose fear to the extent you wouldn't go out on dates. The extent of how you both reacted to your fears. Not that you had some fear.  My sense is her reaction was because she liked the attention and wasn't available to date you or anyone so she figured if  you were too scared to actually date her she could bask in the attention and pretend to be in a romantic relationship by "talking"

Watch the feet not the lips -she might feel love but she's not giving love - meaning her actions are not consistent with wanting to be with you -it's BS to say "too busy at work" -please - I was incredibly stressed and busy at a more than full time job for most of my dating - 24 years of dating on and off -and I dated men in very similar situations and if we were into each other we made the time.

The coworker was jealous because he was attracted to her - I'm 99.9% certain of this - it's possible she had no idea but consider that she was happy  to bask in all your attention and flattery and then a few months in she's "too busy" and has to "focus on herself". Most likely she had a flirtation or affair with coworker, she ended it, he freaked out.

I'm very very sorry you were a crime victim -that is so awful.

We both have been hurt in the past and were scared of being hurt again in a relationship. Keep in mind we weren’t talking/together for very long, so we really didn’t know each other to that extent. 
 

She gave me ample attention when we were together and put in so much effort to see me. She would go out of her way to see me and do things for me, it was amazing. She really did care and her actions said she wanted to be with me too. It’s just all of this stress that she had going on at the same time that overwhelmed her and sent her into a depression. She was the victim of crime, not me. She said she wouldn’t be enough for me and it’s not fair to me to have to settle for less with her because she can’t give me her all. 
 

I also know this coworker has had feelings for her but they were friends only. He didn’t like that and just got jealous that one day and snapped. She kept telling me she felt so guilty for bringing me around that night because none of it would’ve happened if she didn’t do that. She feels lots of guilt. 

[thelogride]

2 hours ago, SophiaG said:

She may well reach out or have regrets but don't let her backtrack. Back and forth is unreliable crappy behavior in relationships. You don't want someone who's so unsure about you and toy with your feelings. Anything that's not a resounding yes is a no.

I agree, and when I can think realistically I understand that back and forth isn’t good for anyone and certainly doesn’t build any trust. Most of me and my heart and brain is still hoping and praying she will reach out and say “I’m so sorry, I made a huge mistake and realize this after some time away from you.” While that’s possible, it’s not exactly likely even though she was so back and forth when ending it. I understand I can’t hope for it to happen, and I know better that I shouldn’t want it to happen because it would almost certainly lead to more pain in the future. 

[thelogride]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

It's normal to have those thoughts when the break-up was not mutual. You're human. 

However, I think you would find that even if she did come back, you would feel even more afraid and insecure. You would have a hard time trusting the connection, and rightfully so. You know that she wasn't sure and could easily bounce again. 

In other words, it probably wouldn't work out the second time around either. 

I agree with this wholeheartedly and I know when I think rationally that if she did come back and apologize and ask for a second chance, there’s almost no way it would be healthy. There would be immediate doubt as the foundation based on how it ended the first time. 
 

I know I should be happy that I have a resolution and know that we’re no longer together, and the path forward is without her. Happy in the sense that I’m not on a string being played with anymore, I have the answer. I just can’t help but hope she thinks of me daily and eventually will have regrets and reach out to me. It’s super odd that she said she knows she will regret this decision in the future, but it’s what she needs right now to be alone. I keep clinging to that and hoping she comes around 😞 I know that’s not the way to think, but it’s all I can think about. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, thelogride said:

We both have been hurt in the past and were scared of being hurt again in a relationship. Keep in mind we weren’t talking/together for very long, so we really didn’t know each other to that extent. 
 

She gave me ample attention when we were together and put in so much effort to see me. She would go out of her way to see me and do things for me, it was amazing. She really did care and her actions said she wanted to be with me too. It’s just all of this stress that she had going on at the same time that overwhelmed her and sent her into a depression. She was the victim of crime, not me. She said she wouldn’t be enough for me and it’s not fair to me to have to settle for less with her because she can’t give me her all. 
 

I also know this coworker has had feelings for her but they were friends only. He didn’t like that and just got jealous that one day and snapped. She kept telling me she felt so guilty for bringing me around that night because none of it would’ve happened if she didn’t do that. She feels lots of guilt. 

Many people had bad breakups and they don't choose fear over getting close to the extent you did. Didn't you say the coworker hit you -assaulted you? that's a crime.  She chose to be friends with a person who was into her quite a lot.  

I'm sorry you're hurting.  My sense is she gave you a bunch of excuses and yes she shouldn't have invited a man who is into her along on that outing.  Something is not adding up here and to me you've dodged a bullet.  Again I am sorry you are hurting.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, thelogride said:

It’s super odd that she said she knows she will regret this decision in the future, but it’s what she needs right now to be alone

It's not odd - it's just empty words to soften the blow. 

It's never a good idea for a dumper to say this, of course, but it's not at all unusual. They think it will help their ex feel less hurt. That's all that is. 

[thelogride]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

It's not odd - it's just empty words to soften the blow. 

It's never a good idea for a dumper to say this, of course, but it's not at all unusual. They think it will help their ex feel less hurt. That's all that is. 

I don’t necessarily think it’s just empty words, because the effort she put in towards me until her life stressors piled up on her all at once was absolutely phenomenal. She put in so much effort for me showing me she cared and wanted to spend time with me. 
 

Im not saying she didn’t say this to soften the blow, but she was crying and emotional when she said it and it felt genuine. Like she truly didn’t like that we broke up but she felt like it was the only option with how much she has going on in her life. 
 

I’ll also say that I feel if you want someone enough, you wouldn’t lose them no matter that circumstance. Therefore I’ll say she must not have wanted me ENOUGH. That could be her insecurity and being scared of getting hurt in the future speaking. It’s just very sad and I hope and pray she reaches out soon apologizing saying she was wrong. Idk why I think that, because IF that was to happen, I’ve been thinking about what would follow. There’s not very many positives that could come from that. I know I’m better off moving on and being happy that I’ve dodged this bullet of an emotional rollercoaster. I know I deserve someone who reciprocates my efforts and doesn’t give up when there’s any challenges. Whether those challenges involve your relationship or are all external factors. 

[Batya33]

32 minutes ago, thelogride said:

don’t necessarily think it’s just empty words, because the effort she put in towards me until her life stressors piled up on her all at once was absolutely phenomenal. She put in so much effort for me showing me she cared and wanted to spend time with me. 

She did this in a short period of time during the initial excitement- she chose fear it seems over you and I like how you are honest that you feel like you want her back but you know that would not be a healthy choice.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, thelogride said:

Like she truly didn’t like that we broke up but she felt like it was the only option with how much she has going on in her life. 

You say this as if she didn't actively make this choice. She wasn't a passive passegner her. She wanted this break-up or she wouldn't have proceeded with it. 

That doesn't mean she wanted to hurt you, of course. But it's not like she was a bystander. She could have stayed with you if she had wanted to.  And sure, many of us become emotional and cry when we dumo soneone, but it's often coming from a place of feeling awful for hurting the other. I am sure she will miss you on some level, yes, but her desire finish this relationship outweighs that. 

I think you have dodged a bullet. Something tells me there is still more to this than you know, and it will be best that she is not in your life. I would strongly advise you get her off your social media unless you someday want to see the posts referencing whomever she dates next. 

[thelogride]

Just wanted to follow up with an update - there’s no update. I’ve still remained no contact successfully and haven’t heard from her either. I know today is the day she started her new job from her promotion so I’m sure she’s stressed out. Hopefully she’s feeling better about it after having a day under her belt. Not sure why I even care about how she feels… but here I am. I’m just proud of myself for being NC. It’s been 7 days since we talked, which I’m sure is nothing at all but it’s good for me. One thing she said is she might regret leaving me or maybe she just needs a few weeks to clear stressors from her life. Part of me clings to that hoping she will reach out by an act of God. I know that’s not the way to think, I’m better than that but I can’t help it. 
 

 

[SophiaG]

17 minutes ago, thelogride said:

It’s been 7 days since we talked, which I’m sure is nothing at all but it’s good for me.

Hang in there. 7 days will become 15 days which will become 30 days and before you realize you will have been broken up for longer than you were dating. It would be better for you if she doesn't reach out and set back your healing process - I know you don't feel that way but I would actually suggest blocking her.

[thelogride]

1 hour ago, SophiaG said:

Hang in there. 7 days will become 15 days which will become 30 days and before you realize you will have been broken up for longer than you were dating. It would be better for you if she doesn't reach out and set back your healing process - I know you don't feel that way but I would actually suggest blocking her.

I was thinking the same thing about the timeline. It just sucks knowing how happy I was when I was with her and struggling to understand how I’m supposed to get back to that point. Blocking her would be the best, but I can’t build up the nerve for it. Idk why she didn’t block me or remove me from anything in the first place. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, thelogride said:

he just needs a few weeks to clear stressors from her life. Part of me clings to that hoping she will reach out by an act of God. I know that’s not the way to think, I’m better than that but I can’t help it. 

You can help how you react to your feelings -what coping strategies do you personally have so you don't ruminate over these feelings?Come up with a toolbox of sorts- things you do whether distracting/soothing/productive - I have a toolbox like that to deal with stressors.  Even though I can't help how I feel I do help how I react so that I stay reasonably healthy and don't subject others to what I am feeling as needed.

I regretted decisions I made with relationships.  That didn't mean I reached out  to the person to get back together or even explore it.  Of course she might feel regret. People have all sorts of feelings about breaking up even if they decided to move on.  One reason I am happily married to my ex fiancee is because I regretted ending the engagement shortly after I did and he said no to trying again because he said it would likely just be the same old same old after the excitement of getting back together.  But almost 8 years later when we reconnected we'd both grown and changed and now were right together. Had we tried again back then I am sure there would have been too much bad blood/bad history to ever try again.  Consider that  too.

[yogacat]

I concur with the others, too-this incident with the coworker does sound so fishy.

For whatever reason-neighborly dispute, heterosexual jealousy, or whatever, completely divorced from how this coworker treated her-she was put under extreme duress. Add moving and a new job into the mix, and the two of you have only been together three months or so.

My two cents are that her back and forth is too much to deal with. Nobody wants resentments in this department. The fact that you want her back so desperately is beside the point. I can tell you're in a world of pain, but she has brought up some points that are clear warning signs.

She dragged you through her indecision, sad to say. She's not a reliable person like yourself. If you know how to read between the lines here, I'm saying she has-both consciously and unconsciously-UNEQUIVOCALLY shown that she is not someone you can rely upon.

If you had continued to stay in contact with her it's just going to be next month's or whatever heartache.

Talking things out doesn't work. Because seemingly she's 100% set in this decision. 

Stay strong and take care of yourself.