long distance relationship , second chance

[tonatiuh]

My ex and I were in a long-distance relationship for 3 years; she’s from China, and I’m from Mexico. Trust was broken because I made false promises about going to China, but I didn’t have enough financial resources to do so without a student scholarship. For example, I told her I would go to a summer camp, but when summer came, I told her I couldn’t make it.

After she broke up with me, I started doubting her as well, since I’m unsure if she has another Chinese boyfriend. Despite this, we decided to give our relationship a second chance, but since then, she’s been colder. Sometimes, she only replies with one-word answers and doesn’t show the same interest as before. However, she still shares 2-4 photos of her daily life almost every day, even though she doesn’t seem keen on having deep conversations.

I’ve given her space when she asked for it, but I feel like we’re not connecting the way we used to, and I want to rebuild the trust between us. I’m unsure how to proceed.

I’ve thought about suggesting something to help us reconnect slowly, like 5 minutes of focused conversation, but only 3 times a week to start. We’ve also played a video game together, which was her idea, but she still feels distant.

Has anyone been through something similar? What strategies worked for you to rebuild trust in a long-distance relationship? How can I help her open up again without pushing too much?

[SophiaG]

Sorry dude. This does not sound sustainable. Neither of you trust the other and there's no prospect of closing the distance in the near future. I'd let this one go.

[ShySoul]

If you still want to make things work, try. Love is to precious and rare to let it go without a fight.

Honesty is the best policy. Relationships aren't about employing a strategy to get somewhere. It is about open, honest communication between both people. It is about addressing the core of the problem and finding a way to come to terms and work through it together. It's about listening to the other person, understanding their feelings, and being sorry for your mistakes. And it's about compromise and figuring out how to make things work as a couple.

Instead of trying to create a plan for a solution, just ask to talk to her. Express how you feel. Tell her you feel like she has been distant and that you want to make sure everything is good in the relationship. Tell her you care for her and want her to be happy, and that you want to make this relationship as strong as it once was. Then listen to her. See how she feels. What does she think is an issue? Does she feel like she's being distant? Is it because of what happened before? Or is there something else going on with her that is distracting her?

Take it all in and go from there, talking and listening to each other. Don't make judgements. Don't try to rush for a solution. Each side being heard is often the biggest first step. Once that happens, you can work together to figure out what each side feels they need from the other and work something out between you.

And don't forget that sometimes time can be an important factor. Every relationship hits rough spells. But if you care for each other and communicate with each other, you can get through it. Good luck.

[MissCanuck]

Have you ever met her in person?

If not and if there is no real plan to meet, I would not invest in this. You live very far apart and if neither of you really has the resources to fly to the other, what is the point? 

[AuthenticSelf]

If this continues, what is the consequences? 

I can see 3 things which can be the result

 

1. Everything continues the way it is 

2. She is back to how she was 

3. You move on with someone else 

 

 

I am not sure what is more likely to happen but everything continues the way it is seems to be very likely. 

[ShySoul]

@tonatiuh Did you speak to her about things? Are things any better?

Good luck and please update us if you read this.

[TeeDee]

On 9/7/2024 at 12:29 AM, tonatiuh said:

Has anyone been through something similar? What strategies worked for you to rebuild trust in a long-distance relationship? How can I help her open up again without pushing too much?

What's the point of getting back together?  The primary problem in your relationship -- the distance -- exists.  Unless you have a meaningful way to close that gap in short order you are back to a non-viable interaction.  It wasn't working then & the same problem still exists. 

Unless you can get on a plane & go to China or fly her to you within the next few weeks you are wasting everybody's time, including your own, & toying with her feelings.  

[ShySoul]

Love can transcend distance. If you care about each other, you can find a way to make it work. Some married couples do long distance and can still stay together. Anything is possible.

The issue wasn't distance, it was the lie. It put false hope in her to the point she felt betrayed. And that is what she may be struggling to get through.

Yes, try to find a way to see her in person. But if you can't be honest about it. And in the meantime, there are plenty of ways to see each other, if only virtually. Make a concentrated effort to be there and actively talk and communicate. Be open and honest in your communciations. Show her how much you care. Because having someone to care for and who cares for you back is a treasure to be fought for, not to give up on.

[Andrina]

You're obviously both young since you spoke of student scholarships. This is the time of your lives when you're around a humongous pool of singles in your age group for 4 or 5 days every week. Why on Earth wouldn't you be dating locally, which has way more pros than an unrealistic LDR?

Do you have social anxiety? Are you basically a hermit and spend most of the time by yourself in front of a computer? 

Modern technology has a way of making the largeness of the world seem smaller, with a person's face appearing on a screen in your bedroom. But it's very misleading because you cannot physically be with a person in all the wonderful ways 3D, in person, provides.

 

[ShySoul]

tonatiuh, you should be with the person you want to be with. If you want to meet lots of people and see who else is around you, do so. Likewise, if you want this particular person, then that's what you want and you should pursue that. The heart wants what the heart wants and it's not wrong or bad to follow where it leads you. And if you are set on someone, odds are you won't be able to see anyone else in that light anyway.

I fell for someone long distance. We were able to eventually meet in person. But it was still just as meaningful and amazing online. And my brother fell for someone online. They've only been together for 23 years. 

Pursue who you want. Do what makes you happy. It's your life, your choice. 

Wishing the best for you.