My (39m) GF (38f) wants to keep seeing friend she dated and kissed

[Joeyjoejoeshabadoo]

We have been dating for a year and it's been rocky from the start. She cheated on me earlier in the year with a guy she met at the bar where she liked to go and play pool, insisting for months that I had nothing to worry about when I expressed my concerns. After I found out, she continued to secretly see this guy for another month before she finally stopped. There's a lot more messed up behavior about this period that I'll leave out.

 Fast forward to a months ago, we didn't officially get back together but we've basically been acting like a couple for the last six months. I met a girl, hit it off, and we dated for a week (two dates) but found we had ideological differences that were't compatible and she found out she was moving far away and that was pretty much the end of that. I barely really got to know her and we didn't do anything physical. It really upset my ex, but I told her I had to at least try and move on. She messaged me constantly during that week telling me she loves only me and doesn't want to be with anyone else.

 The week after things ended with my date, my ex tells me she's dating a guy. They met 6 days in a row and they made out (that's as much as she'll tell me). I thought "Wow, what happened to 'you want only me'".

 She stopped seeing after he turned her down because a vision he had told him she wasn't the one, and we got back together the next week.

 That's the context. My issue is that we both want to keep in touch with the people we dated. She sees this dude every weekend at the markets and they have  coffee. At first I thought it this was unplanned,but I found out later she had been messaging him to organize it. They also go to church together every Sunday. I haven't seen my date in over a month, and we message irregularly.

 I don't want her to keep seeing her dude because they obviously had a much more intense dating experience and she kissed him multiple times, and the only reason she didn't keep dating him was because he had some BS dream that could change any minute. And they're still seeing each other every week! Compared to my situation, we went on two dates, held hands once, and were both adult enough to know a relationship wouldn't work with our opposing views. We're just friends. She swears there's nothing going on, "they have boundaries" (what a relief), and she wants to be able to have friends. I'm also being controlling and need to see a therapist for my jealousy. Her female friend agrees with her.

We talked about it and how it's a boundary for me, and she can choose friends with this guy or a relationship with me. She apparently understood that our situations are different and I should be able to keep in contact with my female friend. She agreed to stop meeting with the guy outside of Church and that was that. Queue last week, she messages me at 9pm saying she wants to have coffee with the guy in the morning, she's already messaged him about it, and I can't stop her having friends.

Am I being a hypocrite by putting my foot down and saying she can't go out of her way to keep seeing this guy while I keep in contact with my friend? Happy to give more detail if needed.

tl:dr Gf and I broke up briefly and dated other people. She kissed him and had 6 dates, he broke it off after having a "vision". I held hands and went on two, and we stopped because of differing beliefs. She organizes to see her date regularly and has constant contact, I haven't seen mine but we message sometimes. We both want to keep being friends with our dates, and I don't want her to keep seeing hers. She agreed to stop seeing him, and then broke that agreement. Am I a hypocrite? What can I do?

[shouldhavelearned]

Find someone else 

[Morello]

How many more times do you want to be cheated on? Because if you two become an "item" again, I can see a few more coming your way. Guaranteed.

First, you need your self-respect back and then take it from there.

[SophiaG]

As someone who had an on-and-off relationship, I do not recommend it. Both of you are clearly not valuing each other much or you wouldn't be constantly looking elsewhere and finding other people to date. Stop being her backup option. The sooner you cut her off the sooner you can start looking for someone who wouldn't pull this bs on you.

[ShySoul]

Are you officially a couple or not? 

You state that you didn't officially get back together. That would seem to imply you weren't exclusive and thus could see anyone else you wanted, which you both did. If no conversations were had, if it was never discussed that you couldn't be with someone else, seems kind of pointless to be upset with each other for breaking some kind of rule that was never even agreed upon. And since you are both guilty, neither of you can claim the high ground.

You are both wasting time with stupid games and trying to figure out who is in the right versus who is wrong. That's not what a relationship should be about. A healthy relationship, and a secure person, also doesn't need to impose limits upon their partner. She is right about one thing, you don't have the right to tell someone they can't be friends with a person. If roles were reversed, you would want the right to be friends with a person and would be upset if she put her foot down. People are individuals with free will. They should be able to make their own choices and not be controlled by others. 

It's also hypocritical to think you should be allowed to be friends with your person while she shouldn't with hers, no matter what happened. It's not about keeping a score and seeing whose situation was worse. It's about getting to a place of honesty, trust, and equality.

If you want to continue you both need to clearly define your relationship, making it exclusive. You need to have a serious talk about trust and communication. You need to move beyond the past instead of being hung up over it and not trusting each other to the point of ruling who each other can even be around. And you need to stop with the blame game and focusing on everything that's bad, and try building something positive that makes you both happy.

If you are unable or unwilling to do that, then this will only hurt both of you more and isn't worth it.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Joeyjoejoeshabadoo said:

What can I do?

Find your self-worth and get rid of this messy woman. 

What the heck are you thinking, man? 

[Joeyjoejoeshabadoo]

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Post

We are back together now.

We were broken up when we both dated other people I have no issue with what happened during that time. It's more that she wants to keep seeing him, and has kept seeing him, so regularly. It doesn't seem right. I'm friends with the person I dated, but we've never met up again and might never again, she's moving away next year.

If she asked the same thing of me, and the situation was reversed, I'd totally understand. It's kind of a no-brainer for me, which is why I need to turn to an online forum for advice 😅

Imo, it's not that hard to understand given the context. She's a friend. Our "dates" were coffee and lunch. We never did anything. We text maybe twice a week and that's it. My gf texts this guy and sees him twice a week. That's the kind of time dedication I'd give to my best friend, not some guy I met and made out with a month ago. Do people honestly think it's acceptable?

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, Joeyjoejoeshabadoo said:

Am I a hypocrite?

In a way. Since you texting your previous date can be labeled "emotional cheating". That doesnt excuse her meeting her ex and possibly cheating with him, that is for sure. And you are entitled to not like it.

6 hours ago, Joeyjoejoeshabadoo said:

What can I do?

Leave. You are literally dating somebody that doesnt respect your boundaries. She may cheat with her ex while calling you "controlling" for not letting her do it. You dont need that mess and should just send her to the streets where she belongs.

[MissCanuck]

51 minutes ago, Joeyjoejoeshabadoo said:

Do people honestly think it's acceptable?

No, which is why the advice here is largely to dump this person. 

Why do you put up with any of this?

[Andrina]

10 hours ago, Joeyjoejoeshabadoo said:

Compared to my situation, we went on two dates, held hands once, and were both adult enough to know a relationship wouldn't work with our opposing views. We're just friends

On again, off again relationships happen when one or both in a relationship possess dealbreaker behavior or run away from problems instead of dealing maturely and ethically to resolve issues.

About the quote here, looks like because you're lacking a healthy emotional connection with your partner, you're seeking a kind connection with the lady you went on two dates with. 

If you believe no future lady in your life will have an issue with you staying in touch with this former date, you're totally wrong. Best to part ways amicably. It's not like a platonic friend of the opposite sex you've known for many years whom the SO other in your life would have no problem with. Friends and relatives I've known in successful relationships have couple friends they hang out with, group friends, and friends they've never been romantic with in the past. Why introduce doubt into a new relationship by hanging on to someone you barely spent time with?

Time to make wiser decisions to achieve better success in romance. Start by going no contact with both of these ladies.

[DarkCh0c0]

You are both incompatible.

You're trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. It's not going to work no matter how many time you try and try again to fit it.

So it's mature here to realize the unhealthy situation, break up and go no contact. Muster up some courage and strength to do so, and you'll be freeing yourself to finding better matches.

IF you keep going back to her, it's like you're choosing to move backwards to the past. A lot of women will catch this and won't be interested in a man with residual feelings to his ex. More reason to break this cycle and move on.

[SophiaG]

4 hours ago, Joeyjoejoeshabadoo said:

Do people honestly think it's acceptable?

No, but neither is cheating. Since you've accepted unacceptable behavior in this relationship you will be expected to accept more.

[TeeDee]

13 hours ago, Joeyjoejoeshabadoo said:

My issue is that we both want to keep in touch with the people we dated.

I am not a big fan of keeping in touch with EXs unless you share children.  Being polite if you randomly bump into them is fine but making a point to stay in touch is problematic & shows you are not prioritizing your present romantic relationship.  

The fact that you both want exit strategies tells me neither of you are committed to what you have with each other.  Stop banging your head on a wall & end it. 

[smackie9]

14 hours ago, shouldhavelearned said:

Find someone else 

Yes I agree...please find someone else.

[ShySoul]

14 hours ago, Joeyjoejoeshabadoo said:

My gf texts this guy and sees him twice a week. That's the kind of time dedication I'd give to my best friend, not some guy I met and made out with a month ago. Do people honestly think it's acceptable?

Yes, it is acceptable to remain friends with someone you dated. Just because it doesn't work out romantically, doesn't mean you have to stop having contact with them permanently.  It also doesn't mean things are going beyond friendship.

She has every right to see and talk to whomever she wants. It is her life, and she has the freedom to do as she pleases in it. To tell her who she can or can't talk to is controlling and is the unacceptable behavior.

You are still hung up on what she did to you in the past. And while it was hurtful and she was wrong to do that, you shouldn't continue to punish her for it if she is sorry and has demonstrated she wants to be with you. Since you are back together, she seems to want to make it work. So unless you have some proof that she is lying and cheating again, trust her. 

If you can't do that, then do the right thing for her and break up. She should be with someone who respects her enough to not have a double standard like this and will allow her to have a friendship with anyone who she deems worthy of having a friendship with.

[ShySoul]

21 hours ago, Joeyjoejoeshabadoo said:

We talked about it and how it's a boundary for me, and she can choose friends with this guy or a relationship with me.

That's not a boundary. That's an ultimatum. You told her to do something that you wanted or else lose you. You told her to give up someone that was important to her to some degree and expected her to just do it. In the moment she acted out of fear of losing you and agreed. But then she thought better and realized that is unfair of you to ask. She stood up for herself. And she was right to do so.

https://www.verywellmind.com/the-reasons-ultimatums-can-harm-your-relationship-5199285

"An ultimatum is a warning or demand issued to one's partner to act in a specified way within a specified period or they risk losing the relationship. Some examples include:

Demanding that a partner cut off another person or they risk losing the relationship...

They are particularly damaging because they are threats that force changes in behavior. [This] often leads to resentment and insecurity in the relationship since your partners felt pressured into doing something they didn’t want to do."

[Joeyjoejoeshabadoo]

Thank you for all the advice everyone, it's really made me re-evaluate how I see my relationship and my thought patterns. I have trust issues from partners cheating on me in the past, and I told my gf about this very early on to be patient with me, and she went and cheated on me anyway. It's a very difficult thing to get past. The messed up part is, this is the most secure relationship I've been in and I truly believe we love each other and want to make it work. That's why it's so hard to end things. She doesn't want to leave me either. I'm having serious talks with her atm and I honestly don't know where we're going to end up.

Thanks again everyone who replied, and wish me luck.

[ShySoul]

Sorry you've had such horrible luck with partners. I'll never understand how people can do that to someone.

Good luck. May you find someone that will stay true.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Joeyjoejoeshabadoo said:

The messed up part is, this is the most secure relationship I've been in

You're right, this is really messed up. No wonder you're putting up with such miserable treatment, man. 

This is not what love looks like.  If she loved you, ,she wouldn't have cheated to begin with. You are going to do a number on your self-esteem and emotional well-being if you insist on staying with her. 

But please understand that this relationship is not built to last. At some point, she will leave. altogether because this is not a woman who actually cares about you in any serious way. Be prepared for that. 

 

[yogacat]

Whether or not you're a hypocrite is not the main issue here.

Your girlfriend has a pattern of using you as a back-up option whenever things don't work out with someone else.

I mean, she only stopped seeing this other man after HE turned HER down because he had some "vision" that she wasn't the one. So what does she do? She goes back to you. Before that? She cheats on you.

You're not even in a proper relationship. You're being kept around as plan Z. Your girlfriend is more confused than a baboon in a china store. Sadly, it's rubbed off on you...

Here's the rub---> she cheated on you. How does she intend to rebuild the trust she broke? Oh, and she continued to date him even after you found out, showing she didn't value your relationship.

You get together with someone else; she says she loves you. The minute you go back to your ex, she's right back where she left off-dating another guy. Then he breaks up with her, and she goes back to you just like nothing happened.

There is cheating, passive cheating, poor boundaries, and deceit. Draw the line and demand better treatment. Not this, 'she breaks it off with one guy, contacts you and tries and get back together. Then dumps you and starts dating this "I had a vision" fella who then dumps her.' 

I am not here to judge you nor make your life harder than what it is. I just want to open your eyes and show how she treats you and the value she puts into this relationship. You may be a hypocrite in the literal sense, but now both of you are just playing hot potato games with each other. It has been an apparent sacrifice on your end. Is that how things should be?

The ball's in your court my friend.

Go ahead and treat yourself poorly, embrace the insecurity and drama that comes along with this on-again, off-again relationship. For that is what you will get in perpetuity from this woman. Take yourself out of this craziness for your sanity and peace of mind. Then find yourself a woman who is up for treating you like gold and values the relationship.

[Joeyjoejoeshabadoo]

On 9/9/2024 at 4:14 PM, yogacat said:

Post

This is pretty much my feelings on it. I'm technically a hypocrite, but the context matters so much.

I had a bit of a talk with her and when I said "I'll stop seeing her because it's not right, no matter the magnitude of contact, and we barely keep in touch as it is" she said "Oh, but you should be able to be friend's with her if you want", probably because she wants to be able to keep seeing and messaging her guy every week.

Thanks for the support.