To Reach Out or Not to Reach Out

[yogacat]

Alright folks. So I have been thinking about reaching out to this individual but I have some reservations.

Initially, he pursued me and wanted to take me out on a date, I declined initially because I felt he was coming on a bit strong plus he lives out of state. The bit about coming on strong, not in a love-bombing way but asking me a lot of personal questions about what I am looking for and what I feel like I need in a relationship. He would also mention a few things about myself that are true but I never told him and he would say that he gets the sense that I am a certain person based on vibes he gets from chatting with me. I felt that this was insightful and I was impressed but again, it felt a little too fast.

This was communicated via messaging and I felt that was not appropriate  to kind of dig into that level of personal information. I would have preferred to meet him first and then we could chat more openly about those type of things *in person.*

Anyway, I mentioned that if he's ever in my area it would be cool to meet up. He lives a bit of distance so I didn't see it as realistic hence why I declined the first date. He also mentioned that he had a poem that he was going to send me but he never did. So whatever, that was it.

I do admit I was pretty closed off with him initially. But recently, I felt curious about him and thought about reaching out to ask him how he was. Not necessarily to date but to at least chat and learn a bit more about this person that I connected with for a tiny bit. He responded to something I had written but that was the extent of it and I didn't follow up. Mostly because I was still in hermit mode.

I'm writing this because I've recently been approaching the prospect of relationships and what I want from them a bit differently. For me, it's the most natural approach and I am honestly curious about him so I thought it would make sense to ask. For the record, I am not open to a long distance relationship but I also don't see the harm if he's ever in my area.

What do ya'll think? Should I leave it or should I just message him saying hello?

[ShySoul]

Those no harm in saying hello or talking to someone. It doesn't have to go anywhere else. If you ever feel uncomfortable, you can stop again. But you'll never know what could happen if you don't try.

The only regrets I have in life are not reaching out to people more and continuing friendships that were started. I find myself wondering about them and wishing I had said more or tried harder. That's not a good feeling, going through life wondering about what might have happened.

If you are curious about him and want to know more, then contact him. If need be, lay out the groundrules. Say if there are things you don't think are appropriate to discuss yet, or just things you aren't comfortable saying. Hopefully he will respect that and things can grow at a more natural pace into whatever kind of relationship the two of you are supposed to have.

If a person sticks in your mind, there is probably a reason. I'd say you owe it to yourself to try to figure out that reason and talk to him.

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

I am not open to a long distance relationship but I also don't see the harm if he's ever in my area.

I only know in my past I've had fun with brief flirtations, etc., during travels but of course, things quickly fizzled when of course there was no more 3D, local interactions.

To me, those interactions happened organically and I wasn't traveling to seek romance. I think if you reach out to him, it might lead into a lot of false bonding if you're then communicating but he doesn't end up coming to town for another 6 months to a year, etc. When I dated after my first marriage ended, I put a limit on myself to date locally only, since I don't live in a podunk town. I found that to be a more successful way to date as a great amount of vetting had to take place. If I poured emotional time and energy into dead ends and dealt with the millions of cons of attempting an LDR, I believe it would've taken me 10 times longer to find a keeper.

I don't recall if you've expanded beyond OLD to try Meetup.com groups and other activities in your area, but I definitely wouldn't only rely on OLD because as we all know, sometimes new prospects on the sites are few and far between.

[shouldhavelearned]

Just meet in a public place. Talk as friends and see where things go.

If someone texts you things, mention that it's best to not discuss or talk about in person or on the phone.

[SophiaG]

How did you know this person? I know of people who connected with online friends (love interests?) and successfully started a relationship but personally I prefer to let online acquaintances stay online. If you are not open to LDR why not invest your time in meeting people locally?

[ShySoul]

4 hours ago, yogacat said:

For me, it's the most natural approach and I am honestly curious about him

You prefer naturally getting to know someone. You are naturally curious about him. The natural thing to do would seem to be contact him and let nature take it's course.

Talking to someone doesn't mean it's going to be more. There is no telling what could happen. I've talked to lots of people, male and female, online that I was friends with and never met. I've talked to women where one side did have feelings but nothing came of it. I've talked to one that did spill over into real life. And I've talked to one that turned into by best (platonic) friend in person. All of that happened just by naturally talking and seeing what happened.

You're smart and perceptive. Trust your instincts. If he's someone you want to know more, try to get to know more. If you don't feel right about things, then stop. You know what it right for you, just trust in it.

[Kwothe28]

I dont see a harm in catching up. However, for something more, no. Its clear that he likes you and that you dont want long distance. So, dont get into it when you want different stuff.

Which does brings me to the next point. When we dont have something more on the horizon, then we play "what could happen" with some of our old flames and remember them. Perhaps you should more look into the future and what is expecting you there than to try to make something work out with somebody from the past who nothing did worked out before.

[Batya33]

I agree with those who said don't pursue unless you're willing to relocate if things get serious.

[yogacat]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I agree with those who said don't pursue unless you're willing to relocate if things get serious.

But why does it have to "go somewhere?" I know some people are quite marriage minded but I am not. Why can't it just be two people catching up because they're curious about each other? 

[Cherylyn]

He lives out of state.  Sounds impractical and not enduring. 

If you're curious about getting to know him better and if he's in your vicinity,  sure you can meet for a meal or something like that but remain realistic and practical.

Moving fast,  asking you personal,  inappropriate questions and the like are red flags.  I'd pump the brakes on this one.

[rainbowsandroses]

58 minutes ago, yogacat said:

But why does it have to "go somewhere?" I know some people are quite marriage minded but I am not. Why can't it just be two people catching up because they're curious about each other? 

^^100% agree with you!  And I've asked this question before myself.

However I think it's different (or might be different) in this case because he's expressed an interest in meeting you and dating you. 

So HIS interest may be more than simply "two people catching up because they're curious."  So I'd be cautious of misleading him should you choose to reach out. 

I'm sure if you had an interest in dating a man and HE knew this but then contacted you out of the blue telling you he's only interested in catching up, you'd be quite miffed? 

I dunno maybe you wouldn't be but I think many people would. 

I did not always do this in the past but now I think about how my message will be received before I do anything.  I've become quite aware of not misleading anyone.

But hey, it's possible after all this time, he'd be open to simply catching up with nothing more - no personal questions and such since this turned you off previously.

So why not?   Use best judgment and play it out. 

Fwiw, if me now, I would not for reasons stated. 

Good luck whatever you decide! 

 

[ShySoul]

58 minutes ago, yogacat said:

But why does it have to "go somewhere?" I know some people are quite marriage minded but I am not. Why can't it just be two people catching up because they're curious about each other? 

It doesn't have to go somewhere. If that's not what you want, then that's not going to happen. If you want to catch up and nothing more, then go for it. 

Approach with caution though. If he expressed interest in the past, it may still be there. So be aware that he may not see it the same way. Be open to any possibility, including that he might not feel like reciprocating or that he might see it as a sign there is a chance for more. 

Then again, maybe he's already found someone else and all this wondering is for nothing. Maybe he would just welcome a chance to talk to you again.

People have the tendency to try to analyze things from every angle, worrying about things that aren't under our control. The only way to know what will happen is to try it out and see what happens.

Trust your judgment and do what you want to do.

And best of luck whatever that is.

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

But why does it have to "go somewhere?" I know some people are quite marriage minded but I am not. Why can't it just be two people catching up because they're curious about each other? 

Oh I misread why you wanted to reach out because you've been rethinking "the prospect of relationships" I thought the purpose was to see if it could go somewhere. Of course you can -you're two single adults. As long as you're both on the same wavelength as far as intentions or lack thereof, why not?

[rainbowsandroses]

Hey Yoga!  Have you decided what're gonna do?

Inquiring minds .... 

[yogacat]

35 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Hey Yoga!  Have you decided what're gonna do?

Inquiring minds .... 

😚

I haven't decided, lol.

There's a part of me that tends to shy away when men pursue me and I feel a bit more comfortable when I do. So, I might...

It's like, when a man is present and direct and I am in the midst of it I feel a bit uneasy. I don't know what's up with that. When he's a bit less present I am like hmmm maybe I do want you. He was initially very present and demonstrated a lot of interest but it made me nervous. I know it's mostly me because I'm in a place where I am deciding what I want. When someone does show up with the potential I kind of go, ahhh WHAT DO I WANT!?!  Not saying this man in particular had potential, I am not open to LDRs, at least not that far (he's a 5 hours flight away).

It's something I am actively working on which is why I have kind of refrained from dating in recent.

Last night, after a LONG day, I said to myself, oh, this is so nice, not having anyone get hold of me and me just being in my comfy bed with my beloved dog and just chillaxing with myself and not have to process any feelings.

Today, in the morning, I go, oh wow, this other thing would be nice though. It's on my mind though, this person that showed up, and how much I enjoyed chatting with. The thought of dating just felt very heavy to me. I'm sure it's normal, but there has been many moments that it felt so wrong, and I desire having a partner.

More to come, lol...

[rainbowsandroses]

44 minutes ago, yogacat said:

There's a part of me that tends to shy away when men pursue me and I feel a bit more comfortable when I do. So, I might...

^^Interesting! 

But I kinda understand it, less pressure when we're the ones calling the shots and setting the pace. 

Ideally for me though, it's 50/50 with us both pursuing each other.  In different ways or sometimes in the same way (both of us initiating etc).

An equal balance of give and take. 

44 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Last night, after a LONG day, I said to myself, oh, this is so nice, not having anyone get hold of me and me just being in my comfy bed with my beloved dog and just chillaxing with myself and not have to process any feelings.

Oh I love doing this^! 

Even when I haven't had a long day like today, I'm just puttering around in my kitchen, I just made baked Mahi Mahi with butter and Dijon mustard sauce! 

And looking forward to hanging back tonight watching movies with my big fluffy comforter!  No dog. 

Got my air on of course because it's dreadfully hot today!! 

So I totally hear ya.

Do you think you might be a little bit of a "commitmentphobe" (for lack of a better word)?

I know I am!

You don't have to answer if too personal, just thought I'd toss it out because I am at least on some level.

I love being single and not having to answer to anyone.  

 

[Batya33]

39 minutes ago, yogacat said:

😚

I haven't decided, lol.

There's a part of me that tends to shy away when men pursue me and I feel a bit more comfortable when I do. So, I might...

It's like, when a man is present and direct and I am in the midst of it I feel a bit uneasy. I don't know what's up with that. When he's a bit less present I am like hmmm maybe I do want you. He was initially very present and demonstrated a lot of interest but it made me nervous. I know it's mostly me because I'm in a place where I am deciding what I want. When someone does show up with the potential I kind of go, ahhh WHAT DO I WANT!?!  Not saying this man in particular had potential, I am not open to LDRs, at least not that far (he's a 5 hours flight away).

It's something I am actively working on which is why I have kind of refrained from dating in recent.

Last night, after a LONG day, I said to myself, oh, this is so nice, not having anyone get hold of me and me just being in my comfy bed with my beloved dog and just chillaxing with myself and not have to process any feelings.

Today, in the morning, I go, oh wow, this other thing would be nice though. It's on my mind though, this person that showed up, and how much I enjoyed chatting with. The thought of dating just felt very heavy to me. I'm sure it's normal, but there has been many moments that it felt so wrong, and I desire having a partner.

More to come, lol...

I'm confused about why you're mentioning dating or a relationship when you wrote that you just wanted to reach out and meet up maybe out of curiosity? I liked those sorts of challenges you mention -when the man pulls back - when I wasn't ready to become the right person to meet the right person.  However I do like being kept on my toes in a healthy way -not a man playing games and pulling back etc but being a person who is confident enough not to be all people pleaser with me.

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

There's a part of me that tends to shy away when men pursue me and I feel a bit more comfortable when I do.

On behalf of men, and particularly us shy ones, I think we'd welcome not having to do as much pursuing. 😉

Seriously, it should be 50/50, each displaying an appropriate amount of interest, not rushing the other while still showing interest and intent. It's a difficult thing to navigate though.

Think you're experiencing the normal rollercoaster of being single. Some times you feel lucky to have that freedom, to not have all the other worries and stresses of dating or relationships. You're life is your own and you can do whatever you want. Well, other then taking care of the dog of course. But then you start to feel alone or miss having someone there beside you. And you want to jump back in. Yet, when you try you can get nervous when things get to close, wondering if that is really want you want. 

I feel that if you have doubts about relationships and dating, probably a sign the time isn't right for them. Enjoy being single. You do deserve to have something, someone. And you will. When you're ready for it, you'll know. You'll find yourself really itching to get out there and you'll be connecting with someone as if you couldn't help it.

Until then, chillax and give the dog an extra pet for me.

 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I'm confused about why you're mentioning dating or a relationship when you wrote that you just wanted to reach out and meet up maybe out of curiosity? I liked those sorts of challenges you mention -when the man pulls back - when I wasn't ready to become the right person to meet the right person.  However I do like being kept on my toes in a healthy way -not a man playing games and pulling back etc but being a person who is confident enough not to be all people pleaser with me.

I brought it up because he put an emphasis on finding someone where, eventually, he could have a relationship.

He had said twice that he wanted to fly out and take me on a date. I said no initially, but then he asked a second time, so I said that would be fine if he was ever in my area and that it would be great! He asked about what I was looking for in a partner and seemed keen to find the right person. 

My intention of reaching out to him is because when we would talk (about other stuff besides dating,) he was a pretty cool guy and I liked other things we would talk about. There is another part looking back enjoyed being pursued by him initially. It is just at that moment when he was pursuing me; that made me nervous.

He asked me "relationship-y" questions, but once again, that is just my subjective feeling.

I would reach out to him solely for the reason of reconnecting with someone I enjoyed talking to. I just am not sure if it makes sense to reach out to him at this point though..

He never made plans and I didn't either. But we did share a laugh here and there and bantered a bit and it felt nice. I also appreciated when he asked how my day went etc., and vice versa.

Maybe, I'll just leave it...

[Batya33]

I understand "pursue" I mean I pursued my current job. but I don't think anyone should chase anyone.  With all my traditional take on dating and the man doing most of the asking out in the beginning, when I reconnected with my future husband platonically those first 2 times -there was then a 7-10 day lapse where he wasn't in touch -we weren't dating.  But I was really into him! So I made up an excuse to double email -the second email was maybe a week or so after the prior one (which was to ask if he shared the cookies I'd baked with his parents and he replied).  That email was responded to very fast and he asked to see me and that is when he asked me to get back together. I pretty much figured out why the time lapse but actually never asked him.  It didn't matter as we were together again. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I brought it up because he put an emphasis on finding someone where, eventually, he could have a relationship.

He had said twice that he wanted to fly out and take me on a date. I said no initially, but then he asked a second time, so I said that would be fine if he was ever in my area and that it would be great! He asked about what I was looking for in a partner and seemed keen to find the right person. 

My intention of reaching out to him is because when we would talk (about other stuff besides dating,) he was a pretty cool guy and I liked other things we would talk about. There is another part looking back enjoyed being pursued by him initially. It is just at that moment when he was pursuing me; that made me nervous.

He asked me "relationship-y" questions, but once again, that is just my subjective feeling.

I would reach out to him solely for the reason of reconnecting with someone I enjoyed talking to. I just am not sure if it makes sense to reach out to him at this point though..

He never made plans and I didn't either. But we did share a laugh here and there and bantered a bit and it felt nice. I also appreciated when he asked how my day went etc., and vice versa.

Maybe, I'll just leave it...

If you believe his intention is to see if you want a relationship with him I would make it clear that you don't.  Ironically had my future husband asked me to meet up in summer 2005 and I sensed it was to see if I wanted to date him I most likely would have said no or said I really wasn't sure if I wanted that.  Because the last thing on my mind was that I'd ever date him again and I wouldn't have wanted to waste his time.  I truly was shocked and surprised that sparks flew.  Which weren't acted on at all until over a month later.

[yogacat]

22 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

On behalf of men, and particularly us shy ones, I think we'd welcome not having to do as much pursuing. 😉

Seriously, it should be 50/50, each displaying an appropriate amount of interest, not rushing the other while still showing interest and intent. It's a difficult thing to navigate though.

Think you're experiencing the normal rollercoaster of being single. Some times you feel lucky to have that freedom, to not have all the other worries and stresses of dating or relationships. You're life is your own and you can do whatever you want. Well, other then taking care of the dog of course. But then you start to feel alone or miss having someone there beside you. And you want to jump back in. Yet, when you try you can get nervous when things get to close, wondering if that is really want you want. 

I feel that if you have doubts about relationships and dating, probably a sign the time isn't right for them. Enjoy being single. You do deserve to have something, someone. And you will. When you're ready for it, you'll know. You'll find yourself really itching to get out there and you'll be connecting with someone as if you couldn't help it.

Until then, chillax and give the dog an extra pet for me.

 

I loved this advice. Thank you!

[MCsquared]

On 9/7/2024 at 4:55 PM, yogacat said:

But why does it have to "go somewhere?" I know some people are quite marriage minded but I am not. Why can't it just be two people catching up because they're curious about each other? 

Be honest with yourself...why are you curious about this...and will you truly not get your hopes up and be content if this never goes anywhere? Get wrapped up in someone to be hurt in the long run after you've gotten attached. It's never harmless in my opinion. Kinda like lies we tell ourselves to get what we want. 

If you can truly make the separation and keep it platonic then great go for it. Always wonderful to have a friend. But I find that terribly hard and most times someone catches feelings. 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 9/8/2024 at 5:00 PM, yogacat said:

There is another part looking back, I enjoyed being pursued by him initially. It is just at that moment when he was pursuing me; that made me nervous.

I think there are many people who feel this^^ way yoga, it's all over this forum and others in some form or fashion.

Person believes they want a relationship (or might want a relationship) but then when that happens or the possibility becomes real, suddenly they become nervous, anxious and not so sure they want it anymore. 

This ambivalence suggests an "avoidant" attachment style or some sort of fear of commitment IMO.

NOT saying you are avoidant yoga, I have no idea.  

But I used to be very much like this myself and not proud to admit but I wasn't the easiest person to have a relationship with.

Then again the men I tended to go for were the same so it worked, not without our share of conflicts though. 

[ShySoul]

6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Person believes they want a relationship (or might want a relationship) but then when that happens or the possibility becomes real, suddenly they become nervous, anxious and not so sure they want it anymore. 

This ambivalence suggests an "avoidant" attachment style or some sort of fear of commitment IMO.

Had to deal with someone like that. Unfortunately her fears were a little too deeply rooted and the way she handled it was not exactly the most mature. It was a very... complicated... situation.

Don't think there's anything inherently wrong with it. We all have doubts and question things, wondering if we are making the right decision. Getting close to someone and opening our hearts to them is scary. It's making us vulnerabe. So the natural reaction is to pull back a little and hesitate.

Maybe personal experience doing the talking here, but the bigger issue is how you handle it. Do you run from things and hurt the person? Or do honestly face your feelings and try to deal with them? If you aren't ready for a commitment, it's fine. Just be honest with yourself and the other person.

And I have no doubt that you handle things fine yogacat.