i need your opinions

[Enot]

Hello, everyone. I need your opinions about my situation. I met this guy on a dating app over a month ago, and we’ve been talking every day. I felt a really strong connection between us. We first met at a coffee shop to see how things would go in real life, and it was perfect. He is such a gentleman and a caring person.

After our initial meeting, he told me that he likes me and we went on a second date. He lives an hour away, but that seems manageable for us. As I got to know him better, I noticed that he seems to be struggling financially. He never mentioned this directly, but I could tell when we were in our second date. I wanted to do some activities that I thought would bring us closer and be fun, but when we were about to buy tickets, he was surprised by the price, which wasn’t actually very high. I was a bit taken aback, so I said it was okay and that I’d cover the cost.

For the rest of the date, he paid for the meal and also covered my Uber ride (I have a car, but I can’t drive due to some conditions, while he doesn’t own a car). Overall, from getting to know him, it seems he doesn’t spend a lot. I even asked him about his job, and he mentioned that he doesn’t get paid well but is okay with it.

 

We’re both in our early 30s, and I’m unsure whether financial compatibility is a red flag or not. There was one instance when I went to a nice restaurant with a friend, and his reaction was, "Wow, that will be an expensive one."

Since we’re still in the early stages of our relationship, I’m a bit concerned that this could become a significant issue for us.

 

To give you some background, my ex was financially irresponsible and frequently borrowed money from me. I was so in love with him that I couldn’t say no, and it ended badly. I’m worried about financial matters now because of that past experience.

 

[Batya33]

If he’s gainfully employed then it’s up to you whether you require a certain income level to find the person compatible with your lifestyle. Many dates are very inexpensive or free. Pack a picnic. Hike. Go to a museum on a free day. Explore new neighborhoods on your feet and get ice cream. Is there public transportation available ? What does he do for a living ? Perhaps it is nonprofit or government. Totally fine to ask what his job is and what his career goals are. I’m sorry you had a past bad experience. 

[Enot]

Thanks for your answer @Batya33

 

I asked him about his job, and he only mentioned that he works for a company. I’m fine with enjoying regular dates or planning picnics and walks, but it feels strange that he always seems surprised by how much I spend which is tottaly normal. I'm also worried that he might bring his financial problems into our relationship at some point.

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, Enot said:

Thanks for your answer @Batya33

 

I asked him about his job, and he only mentioned that he works for a company. I’m fine with enjoying regular dates or planning picnics and walks, but it feels strange that he always seems surprised by how much I spend which is tottaly normal. I'm also worried that he might bring his financial problems into our relationship at some point.

Maybe he finds how much you spend strange. I wouldn’t assume that someone without a large income will ask you for money or ask you for help with financial issues. I know of many people who make a low income and would never ask a friend or someone they’re dating for financial help and I know people who spend too much who try to get friends to participate in “gofundme” for business ideas so they can get richer or have fun exploring. It’s not a money issue it’s a values issue. 
he’s telling you he cannot afford to eat out or buy tickets much if at all. Up to you if that is ok with you. 

[smackie9]

Why are you going down that road again? It would be different if you were in your early 20's..common to be short on cash, and figuring out a career, etc. But he's in his 30's...a grownup. You don't need a fixer upper. You ain't got time for that. If you are looking for marriage and having kids, best to be more picky about who you invest in. You need a guy that has his $hit together, with met goals, and realistic future plans.

[SophiaG]

Financial compatibility is very important. It's not just how much he earns or spends but also if he can understand and respect that you may have different perceptions of prices, values, etc. Even if you are roughly on the same level of income & spending you might prefer to spend money on different things and he could consider your spending a waste of money. I've had an ex before who would question my decision to spend on certain things. It was very off putting. 

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, Enot said:

To give you some background, my ex was financially irresponsible and frequently borrowed money from me. I was so in love with him that I couldn’t say no, and it ended badly. I’m worried about financial matters now because of that past experience.

Taking that into account, I really think this guy is not the one for you. You'll be easily sucked back into an old trend.

Why not get out of your comfort zone and go for men at your level financially or higher? Break the cycle.

33 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

Even if you are roughly on the same level of income & spending you might prefer to spend money on different things and he could consider your spending a waste of money

I agree. It's not just the income part, it's also how you enjoy and use the money that matters and in these areas you should be compatible.

You are now dating him and getting to know that side of him. You can choose to stop this dating so you can focus on more compatible men.

@smackie9's advice was as real as it gets. Don't waste more time repeating the same previous mistake.

[yogacat]

How do you know he's struggling financially? Maybe he felt the activities you suggested was not suitable for his budget. Some people find spending a lot of money on certain things just doesn't suit them.

Maybe he felt for a second date the activities you suggested was too much for a second date. Maybe he's taking his time to get to know you and his abilities before he starts spending money. 

Him saying his job doesn't pay a lot doesn't mean he's necessarily struggling, it could just mean that he is comfortable with his lifestyle on the money he does make.

Some people make an average income and can manage it well. They just don't care to drive a BMW or live in a penthouse. 

Don’t put him into a category he doesn’t belong in until you understand the entire picture.

If you're unsure and want to get a better understanding of his financial situation before going on another date then you'll have to bring up the topic with him. I understand your concern given your ex, and you want to make sure the two of you are compatible with your financial goals. He doesn't need to show his bank statement but you could ask him about the tickets and his reaction. 

[waffle]

He might just be a cheapskate.  Or maybe I should say "thrifty."  I know some things I'm willing to spend more money on because I feel they're worth it, and others I'm not.  i.e. if I see a pack of gum at the convenience store for $10.00 I wouldn't spend that.  Do I have $10.00?  Yes.  But is it worth $10.00?  No.

[Coily]

After a month you really don't have any clue about his financial picture.

With the cost of living going up these day there are a lot of people, even those really well off that choke on the cost of things these days. I went out to a little hole in the wall diner with my GF and nearly choked at $17  each for breakfast, and them "suggesting" a 20% tip. Food wasn't worth it, and the service sucked; but if my GF reacted that some how I was basically out there with a tin cup begging for me being disgruntled about the price she'd be my ex.

I am just as happy making myself a fried bologna sandwich at home, as I am willing to take my GF out to her favorite restaurant. It's not about the money it's about the value. This guy could be like me, only wanting to spend money on what he finds valuable.

This is really more about what you think he should spend his money on; which is you. Yes you have your past, and I get the being wary; but you really don't know the guy.

 

[smackie9]

I'm sorry but I stand strong on this, the deal is you find your equal....equal in values, financially, etc . The reason you came here is simple...you are concerned. You have every right to be. Don't let "oh he's a nice guy" get in the way of making a proper decision on who you date. Sure the argument of "times are tough for people" blah blah blah, "unfortunate circumstances" blah blah blah, but doesn't need to be your problem or something you should have to navigate to be with someone. Nah uh. Women have been told to stick with him, you shouldn't be single, stand by your man yaddy yadda yadda. Screw that. Girl, you are an independent woman with her $hit together, you deserve to find your equal, and it's not with this guy.

[yogacat]

This is a difference in the value of spending money for tickets he felt were too much.

He paid for her meal and covered her Uber. If anything he is thrifty but he paid all other expenses. If you don't envision yourself being able to enjoy less costly items from time to time or you feel it's a sign of someone struggling financially, then yes, move on.

[rainbowsandroses]

Hello @Enot I posted earlier but deleted as it was a bit harsh, not sure if you read it.

But one thing I will say is that while I understand you being cautious due to your ex, HE could be acting cautious as well due to HIS past experiences.

Perhaps there were women in his past who took advantage of his generosity and as such he would prefer to get to know you better before fully opening up about his job and financial status and splurging on more elaborate dates to make sure you're dating him for all the right reasons. 

Unless I missed something I see no tangible evidence that he doesn't have his financial **** together or that's he's some project to fix. 

He's simply being cautious same as you.

If you truly do like him and feel that connection, why not continue dating him, keeping eyes wide open and if you see signs he's anything like your ex, dump him then.

In the meantime, enjoy getting to know him, spending time together and stop worrying about something that may never happen.

That's what I would do anyway, but you do you and good luck whatever you decide. 

[Andrina]

If he doesn't have a car, how has he been meeting you? Seems strange if he doesn't have a car and is frugal, that he'd choose to date someone an hour away. It's also strange he didn't give you more details about his job like the company's name and what type of company it is. What is his relationship history and is he renting an apartment? Does he live alone?

You're right to be concerned. Ask more questions to get the answers you want. If he doesn't want to answer, that's his choice. But it will be worse if you're making assumptions and giving him the benefit of the doubt. The brain and the heart have to work in conjunction to make wise choices in a partner.

I'd see if he's the type to jump from job to job or not. If he has a good work ethic or tries to skate by. Those things are important to learn about a person. Also remember that this is the honeymoon period. He paid for your meal and Uber this time, but if it ends up that he's normally stingy, the bits of generosity might wane if you two stick it out past this early, heady stage.

[rainbowsandroses]

23 minutes ago, Andrina said:

It's also strange he didn't give you more details about his job like the company's name and what type of company it is.

@Andrina I always agree with your posts but here^, I don't think it’s necessary or even relevant to give a person you've been on two dates with the name of the company you work for; to the contrary I would advise against it!

I've had a couple of very bad experiences providing such information too early in; I mean you just never know about people.

Type of company and industry?  I think that's fine. 

My guess is was afraid he'd be negatively judged and/or just like the OP he's simply being cautious until he gets to know her better and trusts she's dating him for all the right reasons.

Being cautious goes both ways for different reasons. 

JMO. 

P.S. That said the more I think about this @Enot, perhaps it's best you move on..

You shouldn't need to be convinced to want to continue dating someone. 

If you have this many reservations after only two dates, yeah just next him.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

If he doesn't have a car, how has he been meeting you? Seems strange if he doesn't have a car and is frugal, that he'd choose to date someone an hour away. It's also strange he didn't give you more details about his job like the company's name and what type of company it is. What is his relationship history and is he renting an apartment? Does he live alone?

You're right to be concerned. Ask more questions to get the answers you want. If he doesn't want to answer, that's his choice. But it will be worse if you're making assumptions and giving him the benefit of the doubt. The brain and the heart have to work in conjunction to make wise choices in a partner.

I'd see if he's the type to jump from job to job or not. If he has a good work ethic or tries to skate by. Those things are important to learn about a person. Also remember that this is the honeymoon period. He paid for your meal and Uber this time, but if it ends up that he's normally stingy, the bits of generosity might wane if you two stick it out past this early, heady stage.

I agree -I would not have gone on a third date and maybe not even a second if he didn't tell me what he did for a living and where he worked. If he was unemployed -that's ok -I dated one man who was between jobs - and he still didn't have one 2 months later when I ended things but that wasn't why (although my sense is his umemployment contributed to the issues he had that  triggered me to end things). Work ethic and financial stability were crucial for me and I offered it in return.  I also said where I worked and what I did so it would have been really odd for the man not to want to tell me.

I didn't like dating men who acted cheap -so, pick the place or activity  you can afford without feeling uncomfortable and then be generous.  So if it's meeting for a picnic at a park, offer to buy her a drink or ice cream, or if it's meeting at a casual place for coffee no comments about how much everything costs in the sense of commenting on what she orders etc.

I agree these days eating out can be -just insane with the prices.  I just spent a half hour making my son an egg salad and avocado and tomato sandwich in pita with his favorite spices, side of chips and yogurt.  I bet that small meal would cost $10-15 at one of the chains -without a beverage.  And I probably spent $3 at most.  I do think about those things - my friends who say if I am tired "just go get take out at the deli" - but if I have the half hour and the time to monitor an egg hard boiling -well - why would I spend 5 times as much? I have the $ no prob -I don't want to spend it on that.  So I'd try to learn more OP about his financial values and his employment and career goals etc.

[Cherylyn]

I have several opinions regarding this topic. 

"Love doesn't pay the rent."  Keep that in mind.  🫢

I've heard stories about how couples didn't have two nickels to rub together yet they've been happily married for decades.  I'm sure it's great for them.  Hooray.

I've had some dates where the guy would ALWAYS mention how much things cost,  either comment or gripe about prices which was noticeable and irritating. 😠 Not that I wanted a spendthrift by any means but I don't like it when some men constantly say something about how much anything costs whether it's cheap,  expensive or in between.  Enough already.  👎 😒 

I agree with others regarding that dates don't have to be expensive such as packing a homemade picnic,  take walks,  bring a thermos of tea,  take advantage of free community events and the like.  Be forewarned though that the guy could very well complain about the cost of homemade food,  perhaps gas for his car to meet you or anything regarding the wallet each and every time no matter what it is.  😣

When my husband and I were dating,  granted,  we were not wealthy yet we were financially comfortable which makes for a very pleasant dating experience.  Sure,  money isn't everything but when two people have good jobs,  dating is sure a heck of a lot more enjoyable than being dead broke any day.  We went to the theater,  ballet,  classical concert symphonies,  dined out every week (not extravagantly but not fast food either),  picnicked at the lake,  hung out at friends' houses for backyard barbecues,  went to museums and had the time of our lives!  👍 🤗

I'm sure there are merits to being a penny pinching miser but we are able to have a good time and save a lot of money every month so it's not as if we don't budget wisely. 

Always think about the quality of your life.  Sure,  character is tantamount but a happy lifestyle is wonderful.  No doubt about it. 

[SophiaG]

5 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I've had some dates where the guy would ALWAYS mention how much things cost,  either comment or gripe about prices which was noticeable and irritating.

Agree. Especially this early into knowing someone a guy who wants to date you will not risk leaving bad impressions unless something is atrociously overpriced or he really can't afford it. Typically people get more comfortable to casually comment on such things once in a more stable relationship.

[ShySoul]

He is not your ex. Comparing the two does a disservice to you and him.

You're ex was financially irresponsible. He wasted his money and used you for it.

You don't know his position, none of us do. Just because he is struggling with money doesn't mean he is a fixer upper, is cheap, or not compatible. The reality is that a good number of people struggle financially. Doing some quick research I see that 37% of Americans can't afford a $400 emergency expense. Over half (56%) can't afford a $1000 emergency. Money is something that affects everyone and isn't just because of the person. The job market, inflation... sometimes things are out of a person's control.

We also don't know if he had an emergency like that and so is having to watch his cash extra close. We don't know if maybe his funds go to something else important. I have a friend who pitched in to help his nephew pay for lunch at school. Or maybe he gives it to a parent to help support them. There could be any number of reasons he watches what he spends.

What is normal for one person to spend may not be normal for others. Some people think nothing of going out to lunch everyday at work. I've only gone out for mandatory department lunches. I've cut back on going out to eat period because it's too expensive. And I'm doing okay financially. 

A relationship shouldn't be based off of money. What is important is how you feel about each other. He did spend that money on you, using probably limited resources to treat you. Is he showing he cares about you in other ways? Does he listen to you? Does he respect and value you? Is he nice to you? Do you have fun togehter? That's what is important to the relationship. 

 

[Cherylyn]

On 9/7/2024 at 7:15 PM, SophiaG said:

Agree. Especially this early into knowing someone a guy who wants to date you will not risk leaving bad impressions unless something is atrociously overpriced or he really can't afford it. Typically people get more comfortable to casually comment on such things once in a more stable relationship.

No matter how nice a person is,  being extremely tight with money is not enjoyable.  I'm not referring to spendthrift habits either.  I'm referring to having a good time which often times does require money while being able to save a considerable amount of money every month as well.  In other words,  a sound character with financial means does wonders for a very enjoyable relationship or marriage.  

I will also say that I've observed affluent people often gripe and comment about what everything costs so it's not just struggling people who constantly complain about expenses.  It is quite annoying and irritating to be sure.

Pick and choose whom you wish to be with wisely whether a person is financially comfortable or not.  Pay attention to character.  Everything is a package deal. 

Even in a stable relationship,  if money is a constant issue and complaint,  the relationship will feel strained,  uncomfortable,  awkward and definitely not enjoyable.  You'll have too many limits on what you can do with him,  feel stuck always doing boring activities,  reduced to drinking tap water and going for walks. 🚶‍♂️ 🚶‍♀️🙄  Is this what you want?  I doubt it. 

A stable relationship encompasses character and stable,  comfortable finances.  It's both.  No one enjoys pinching pennies. 

I've been on both sides of the fence and I must say a financially comfortable life is much better than the opposite.

[wiley666]

i would just be careful he doesnt take it as a slight on his ego or "manliness" or whatever peev some men have about women they are dating being in a higher financial bracket than they are. Some may be completely fine with it, but others maybe not so much, and it may not be immediately obvious if they are hiding true feelings. 

obviously dont let him "borrow" *any* money from you 

[Cherylyn]

On 9/6/2024 at 5:08 AM, Enot said:

Since we’re still in the early stages of our relationship, I’m a bit concerned that this could become a significant issue for us.

 

To give you some background, my ex was financially irresponsible and frequently borrowed money from me. I was so in love with him that I couldn’t say no, and it ended badly. I’m worried about financial matters now because of that past experience.

 

Yes,  eventually,  sooner or later,  his constant remarks about how much everything costs will grate on your nerves.  It's irritating.  😖

I agree,  never lend money to anyone because most likely you'll never be repaid.  Once you give money away,  your money disappears forever.  You're not a bank,  you don't charge interest nor does the borrower have collateral.  Therefore,  once you lend money,  you might as well bid farewell to hard cash.  🖐️

You should be concerned about financial matters.  I remember dating my husband and because he's a good man with a good income,  dating him was pure joy. 

To this day he's a generous tipper, too.  He has compassion towards low wage earners.  He has always told me that they tend to be students,  single parents or the downtrodden.  

Sure,  there are rags to riches stories but it's rare.  Financial stability is very important and if the man is a very decent human being and has a stable occupation,  he's a catch.   🤗  

[shouldhavelearned]

How much were the tickets and to what event?

[ShySoul]

Perhaps try mixing in some fun, "cheap" dates to balance it out. You can still have just as good of a time going on a picnic instead of a restaurant, borrowing a movie from the local library instead of hitting the movie theater, or a local concert in the park instead of a mega band playing huge stadiums. Point is to do something fun together and enjoy each other's company. 

https://www.ramseysolutions.com/budgeting/cheap-date-night-ideas?srsltid=AfmBOoqEfiM9bD8gih6BUAzbkR9zc9oqSt40ZJm-QhNLa2cOT0_LJxt2

I'd also point out that if he is an hour away and doesn't have a car. That adds a lot. He had pay for transportation there and back, your transportation, and the meal. That adds up. But he was willing to do it.

I've been interested in someone an hour away and I didn't have a car. It made it difficult and costly to meet up, on both sides. That he is making the effort says something about how much he wants to see you.