Should i stay in this marriage or time to leave?!

[WendyT]

Hello, this is my first post but was recommended by a friend for impartial advice.

I have been with my partner for a long time, married for 10 years. I have tried to leave numerous times but financially and emotionally i cannot cope on my own. We have small children together, a mortgage, a dog and our families are all very close. 

I am sure my husband hates me, he watches me struggle day in day out working full time, looking after three children, doing all the cooking and ALL the housework. My appearance has been affected, i struggle to sleep and have massive dark circles under my eyes.

Recently he seems so withdrawn, he works full time too but his spare time is either spent playing sport, watching sport or scrolling through his mobile phone. I take care of our children, do the food shop, wash the clothes, clean the car, vacuum, dust, put the bins out, mow the lawn, sort all the children's school things out, walk the dog, .. you name it i do it. I have asked for help so many times to which he asks me to write him a list. In my opinion this is not acceptable - is he not a full-grown man capable of using his initiative ? I once (out of stubbornness) stopped doing the housework and instead of encouraging him to do it for himself, he would just piss and moan about not having any clean socks or being able to find a clean spoon. I soon returned to my duties.

He refused my sexual advances the other night - for the very first time in our relationship. I felt embarrassed more than anything. The following night we cuddled in bed and i fell asleep, i knew he wanted more but i was physically drained and so fell asleep. As soon as he realised I was asleep he stopped cuddling me, removed his arm from around me, huffed and puffed and rolled over to go to sleep himself, facing the opposite way to me. It's almost as if he only wants to be physically affectionate with me if there is a satisfying end for him ? Maybe i'm overthinking here...

I am so sick of it. I am a single mother, that is how i feel. Which is why i often think about leaving for good. However, as i have tried to do this previously he already knows how much of a struggle this was. Not only that but i don't entirely trust him to care for our children if i am not present. He cannot cook, he wouldn't be able to wash their clothes, he doesn't wake in the night if they have a nightmare or get sick - it would be selfish of me to leave him knowing that he will have to have them overnight at some point. I know he loves them don't get me wrong but the basic care is not there. My youngest daughter is 6 and she refuses to stay with her dad even if i want to go to the gym for an hour, i have to ask her grandmother to care for her if i ever want to socialise. 

In all fairness to him, i was unfaithful for a short period during our marriage which he found out about. The man i fell in love with offered me everything i wasn't getting at home. I KNOW THIS IS NO EXCUSE. Since, we had marriage councelling and he chose to forgive me. I have never been so sorry and have given my all into earning back his trust and being the doting wife. He still struggles to cope with this mentally and mentions it atleast on a weekly basis. 

It was recently our 10 year anniversary, i had planned an evening out for us to celebrate. A meal booked at our favorite restaurant, baby sitters at the ready and had ordered a sexy set of lingerie for the evening. He text me whilst i was at work the day before and said he didn't want to celebrate it because our marriage ended with the affair (he did say our relationship restarted). I was gutted, cancelled the reservation and ignored the day when it arrived. 

I talk to my friends often and they know every detail of my relationship - they think it's a joke but i really want (or wanted) it to work. I really am at a loss.

I fantasize about winning the lottery, purely so i could afford to live on my own in a nice house that my children deserve. We share household bills, he pays the larger (mortgage, utilities and council tax) however, he does earn double what i earn. Yet i bear the brunt of paying for all the food, petrol, kids clothes.. kids clubs. He know i struggle for money every month yet never offers to help, even small things such as paying for the food shop for a week - if i desperately need money i have to ask my family to help out. 

The last time i left was earlier this year because i found out he'd been secretly exchanging messages with a work colleague who he'd fallen for - there was never anything sexual between them but she did actually leave her long-term boyfriend at the time (i saw the messages). Again, we went to councelling and he indirectly blamed his emotional-affair on me saying that my affair damaged his ego so much he had to seek validation elsewhere, he recognised he wasn't in love but he liked the attention. We got through this as i understood his point of view and feelins and he wanted our marriage to continue. 

I have tried to be as fair to him here as possible and understand there are always two sides to every story. I just don't think this "relationship" is healthy and i am so worried my children are going to feel the consequences of being party to such a disfunctional family unit.

Please help, all advice welcome but please be kind. We are all human.

 

[MissCanuck]

I think this marriage is past the point of no return. 

He is resentful and checked out, and you are exhausted and unfulfilled. It apppears counselling didn't really help and now you are both just hanging on by a thread. 

If I were you? I would start formulating a concrete plan to separate. I understand it is not that easy, but I don't see this marriage getting better anymore. 

[WendyT]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I think this marriage is past the point of no return. 

He is resentful and checked out, and you are exhausted and unfulfilled. It apppears counselling didn't really help and now you are both just hanging on by a thread. 

If I were you? I would start formulating a concrete plan to separate. I understand it is not that easy, but I don't see this marriage getting better anymore. 

Thank you so much for your reply MissCanuck - I hate to say it but I agree. It's definitely a good idea to formulate a plan - I will do that. Thing is.. i don't feel sad at the thought of losing him and know I can care for my children well enough on my own, it is the ultimate disruption to every one's lives around us that our separation will cause. When you go through situations like this it is easy to feel like you're the only one, it happens every day i understand yet it makes it no easier.
Thanks again. 

[Batya33]

27 minutes ago, WendyT said:

Thank you so much for your reply MissCanuck - I hate to say it but I agree. It's definitely a good idea to formulate a plan - I will do that. Thing is.. i don't feel sad at the thought of losing him and know I can care for my children well enough on my own, it is the ultimate disruption to every one's lives around us that our separation will cause. When you go through situations like this it is easy to feel like you're the only one, it happens every day i understand yet it makes it no easier.
Thanks again. 

I agree given all the bad blood and bad history and poor choices. Also I’ve heard suggestions of - simply leave the home on a particular day he is not at work and he’s gotta fend for himself with the kids. Unless there’s abuse etc or he’s an unfit parent. He’ll have to if you coparent right? My husband coparents and when I was a SAHM for 7 years obviously I did the lions share as my job and role.
 

But in certain situations I find it really helpful not to tell but to show. Show the other parent what it’s like to do certain things on your own. I solo parent a ton as he works more than full time and travels a lot (I work part time ) and have since our son was 2 weeks old and I don’t think he totally gets it. The level of work. Dealing with all the illnesses injuries sleep issues  school issues that often are unpredictable and with horrible timing. He loves us but I don’t blame him entirely for not getting it. So sometimes he gets it more if I’m not there. Just saying 

But yes I don’t see the point in remaining legally married including for the health I’d the kids. Not a great example or environment for them IMO. good luck !

[redswim30]

17 minutes ago, WendyT said:

Thank you so much for your reply MissCanuck - I hate to say it but I agree. It's definitely a good idea to formulate a plan - I will do that. Thing is.. i don't feel sad at the thought of losing him and know I can care for my children well enough on my own, it is the ultimate disruption to every one's lives around us that our separation will cause. When you go through situations like this it is easy to feel like you're the only one, it happens every day i understand yet it makes it no easier.
Thanks again. 

A phrase I use all the time, "Do not sacrifice your happiness for someone else's comfort."   YOUR life is not about being miserable for the rest of your life to make your husband, your families, friends or anyone else more comfortable.  

As someone who has been divorced I can tell you, lots of people are gonna have lots of opinions.  But please remember, THOSE don't matter, because they are NOT living in your shoes. 

With kids, you should consider that you are currently modeling for your daughter how a wife should behave.  Right now, you are modeling that she should be a good solider and tolerate abuse. Your are modeling for your sons how they should treat romantic partners.  Kids aren't stupid, and I'm sure they see what's going on- Yes, even at a young age.   I personally believe it is better for kids to out of a toxic environment.  Yes, I understand that things like logistics get harder, but imagine showing your children the HAPPY and not abused side of yourself!  That's more important than needing carpool help. 

It comes as no surprise to me that you had an affair.  As human, we need things like support and kindness.  And as you were not getting those at home, of course you caught feelings for a man who OFFERED you some support, kindness, and decency.  Not saying it was right, but it is very understandable.   Funny to me that your husband doesn't understand that his actions helped to create this cause and effect.  Also interesting that your affair was your fault and his affair was also somehow your fault. 

Now for the tough part- Your husband is abusive.  He does not view you as a partner.  He views you as a sexual release, a maid, and a nanny.  He doesn't seem to care at all about your feeling or needs.  

IMVHO, your marriage is dead.  I commend you for really trying.  But your husband cannot get over your affair, and is now punishing you for it and justifying his abuse of you.  You made a mistake, but that does not mean that you deserve to be abused the rest of your life for it . I tell you again, as someone who has been divorced, marriages aren't always salvageable- and THAT'S OKAY!!!!!  Divorce doesn't have to an abyss or the end of the world or a "failure".   Sometimes we try things and they just don't work out.   You don't HAVE to stay in an abusive marriage to be a "good person", PLEASE remember that.  Kids are resilient.   And often times, kids can become happier when their parents are happier and less focused on managing daily abuse, depression, or living in an unhappy marriage.    I personally think you are currently living through all three- OF COURSE you are exhausted!  Anyone WOULD be. 

Please start making a plan now.  I know it may seem impossible to leave, but it isn't.   I think it's better for your kids to be in a healthier household than a fancier household with daily abuse.   Your husband may THINK he is just punishing you, but he is actually punishing your kids, too.  What he's doing is NOT okay and there is NO justifying his behavior, especially if he agreed to stay in the marriage following your affair.  This isn't just about you, it's about your kids, who I assure you are being effected by this, whether you see it or not.   Start looking at places to stay, family and friends that could help you- then start the process of divorce.  Guess what?  He's have to start paying his fair share for the children he helped to create. 

Please do NOT think for one second that you DESERVE to be treated this way- you DO NOT.  

I was scared of getting divorced, too.  So I understand how scary it is.  But I am so much happier now and in a much healthier relationship.  Now I only wish I had divorced my first husband sooner and don't know why I felt like I had to stay in that for as long as I did.   My hope it to be at least be able to help other women to know- you aren't alone, there is help and support out there, and you do NOT need to stay in bad marriage.  Good Luck!  

[itsallgrand]

You've mentioned you've tried to leave several times. It's not surprising to me he has checked out at this point. If you say or make moves to leave a relationship, leave. Playing around like this is extremely damaging to a person and you can't expect the trust to not be severely impacted after that. 

It's clear too you don't trust him either. Saying you don't trust him to care for his children without you there - wow. Yes, childcare is hard work but it's not rocket science. You really think he's not capable of providing meals, throwing clothes in the washer, basic engagement and care of his children? I was shocked to hear the situation with your daughter and not ever being left with her dad. Is he abusing her? Or are you creating a situation where she never has gotten to be with her dad and is picking up on your total contempt for him? I don't know the answer but something is very wrong with that scenario.

[Coily]

21 minutes ago, WendyT said:

I have asked for help so many times to which he asks me to write him a list. In my opinion this is not acceptable - is he not a full-grown man capable of using his initiative

Why is this not acceptable? People make lists for themselves, others, co-workers, volunteers, and employees. This silly is alone is sabotaging your relationship. However given the below this is more of a  mutual symptom than a cause. I also have to ask, when it comes to him doing a household task, are you there critiquing how he does it?

22 minutes ago, WendyT said:

In all fairness to him, i was unfaithful for a short period during our marriage which he found out about. The man i fell in love with offered me everything i wasn't getting at home.

How can you expect your husband to feel invested at all after this. Like you have checked out, this affair has him checked out.  While you can obfuscate with his possible emotional affair, the damage was already done.

 

33 minutes ago, WendyT said:

... and i am so worried my children are going to feel the consequences of being party to such a disfunctional family unit.

Your kids already are, you yourself say :

55 minutes ago, WendyT said:

My youngest daughter is 6 and she refuses to stay with her dad even if i want to go to the gym for an hour, i have to ask her grandmother to care for her if i ever want to socialise. 

Your marriage is heavily faltering and there is a lot of mutual resentment. I can't blame either one of you for your attitudes about the other. Though I sense that you hate your husband as much as you suspect him of hating you, perhaps more so on your part.

It could be salvageable, you both are going to have to fully address your issues and actually listen. From your tone here, I wonder how much listening you do. You seem very in control of this marriage, yet want your husband to be the leader.  This is not a healthy mix.

I do think divorce in inevitable. Exit plans etc. However, this is where the hardest work is going to be, you need to make sure your kids do not internalize your attitude towards their father.