Is it jealousy? is it okay?

[isthisit67]

This is mine and my fiances weekend without my biological kids. When visiting my biological 14 yr old daughter who recently moved in with her dad, last night she really misses us and wants to come stay with us this weekend. I miss her immensely and will take anytime I can get with her as its been a big adjustment to her moving in with her dad this past August. My daughters father and I decided on halving the weekend between us where my fiance and I would pick her up Friday evening and take her back Saturday evening. On the way home I could tell something was bothering my fiance, but I was also dealing with some feelings and knew that hers probably had to do with the opposite of mine. I took time to take care of myself and gain composer so I could be the best listener and not personalize her feelings and then asked her if she would like to tell me what’s wrong. She’s scared and hurt because our alone time is now cut down and she’s scared that we won’t get the proper time to connect. I understand where she’s coming from, and can see why it does put a damper on things. I voiced that I understood and that while some of our time is lost, that we could plan something for the time we do have alone which is Thu evening, saturday evening, and all day sunday.

Another incident that happened the week before was I was talking about a memory I had with my kids when they were little and were recalling their first words and little things like that. And she got upset and openly admitted that when she hears me talking about things like that it upsets her and she gets jealous.

We have been together a little over two years, and she has been around my kids for about 1 1/2 years, she doesn't have any children.

The recent conversations involving my kids with my fiance have really began to concern me and I'm a little worried that maybe she isn't ready for a relationship with someone who has children.

[TeeDee]

She doesn't have bio kids.  She has no frame of reference but if you two are getting married you will be a family.

She will have some responsibility for your kids, even if it's just the responsible adult charged with the kids safety.  

Reframe this as time for all of you to gel together & for her to form bonds with your daughter.   Do something special for her Saturday night. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, isthisit67 said:

We have been together a little over two years, and she has been around my kids for about 1 1/2 years, she doesn't have any children.

The recent conversations involving my kids with my fiance have really began to concern me and I'm a little worried that maybe she isn't ready for a relationship with someone who has children.

I absolutely was able to relate to parents before I had children and that in part was because I'd been a teacher/nanny/daycare worker/volunteered with kids but with rare exception I didn't date men who already had kids and I never got serious with any man who did.  I would discuss with her now that  you are a package deal.  When is the wedding?

[isthisit67]

We discussed it at length when we first began dating, as I've always made it known that they are my first priority. But have also tried to make the time we do have together just us special in a way that we can connect and bond. I'm just very scared that this will be an on-going issue.

We are going to do a destination wedding next summer, but haven't decided on a date or location.

[smackie9]

I suggest you two get together for premarital counselling.

[isthisit67]

I wish I could just screenshot the response I got from asking. 😭

this was my text 

 

“The kids are in my life forever and I only have so many good years with them in which to bond with them and mold them and give them good memories and give them a fresh good start into adulthood and independence. They are my #1 priority. You deserve a relationship that meets what you want and need. I worry we won’t find an agreement on the terms and if you need more than what I can give as far as attention when it comes to time and things I have to prioritize the kids for, then I worry that even though we love each other very much, what I can give may not be enough for you. I really want to find a way to make this work. I guess I just need to know that you do too. And that the kids being my priority is something that you can accept as part of this relationship”

this was her response 

“This is kind of where I feel like I should have never said anything to you. Because that makes me feel like you in fact do not understand where I’m coming from and do not feel the same as me on the level. And that it doesn’t really bother you“

I responded with 

“No I am very glad you did and I completely understand where you are coming from and it does bother me. 
This is my worry and it’s a very serious topic. One we def have to be 100% on the same page with. There are going to be things I will need to reassure you on and things you need to reassure me on. No one’s feelings are wrong. It does bother me too. But this is something I’m worrying about and I want to voice that with you”

She said:

“I’ve never said plus also said it wasn’t bad towards the kids in any way. Look, yeah I want to make this work, but im allowed to have feelings and where we are, im allowed to feel like I do. Im allowed to be upset because the circumstances we are under and everything else the universe nor anything else is in our favor“

I said:

“Yes you are very allowed to have those feelings and I understand those feelings. 

And these are my feelings, please don’t personalize them. It’s something that I need reassurance on. So I know that we are on the same page. Please don’t get defensive and look at this as me being vulnerable about something I’m worried about and needing to talk about” 

What do I do!?! 😭

[SophiaG]

1 hour ago, isthisit67 said:

I completely understand where you are coming from and it does bother me. 

Do you really understand where she's coming from, though? I would be cautious because using this language can sound dismissive and even infuriating if she didn't feel understood. Her responses are also vague to me as you both keep talking about "feelings" without naming them, what exactly are the feelings?

Can you have a non-confrontational conversation about what exactly upset her, and what are her expectations of the relationship going forward? Listen to her first and don't rush to reassert your position on your kids being your #1 priority, etc. - I'm sure she's well aware of that.

If communication is a challenge then I agree premarital counseling might help.

[Coily]

You are encountering one of the greatest difficulties for anyone involved with a single parent. The kids.

Does you fiance feel like she has a say in how the kids are raised when around her? Does she feel like she's respected by them, and backed up by you? Does she feel like she's just there as a companion when convenient, and discarded when the kids have a minor need?

It's easy for the other partner to feel undermined and unvalued in a relationship; when the get sidelined in a co-parenting situation. In the end it's not really about the kids, it how you treat your significant other; are they really feeling integrated or still an outsider.

 

[Batya33]

I'm very surprised at what you wrote-because to me this should have been a simple conversation before getting engaged- way before.  You say you discussed it but -were  you simple, direct and clear and did you behave consistently with making your children a priority-so why now? Perhaps it's an excuse on her part not to stay in the relationshi?

I don't understand all the overexplaining and wordiness -I mean it should be obvious no? Do you really feel like once they are adults they won't be a top priority -I mean hopefully they'll be on their own/financially independent but then somehow she will be a priority over you seeing them/spending time with them/having phone conversations as they navigate life and want your input? I mean that's fine if you feel your job is done and all the memories are in place but it seems to me she should already know kids are  your kids forever.  You are a package deal - I like what you wrote about what she deserves - and for me personally I'd have written it out and read it to her in person.  But that's ok.  

I don't think she's well suited for this situation -do you?

[Tinydance]

Could you just explain the situation a bit better as I don't think I caught all the details. So you are in a same sex relationship? Not that it matters but just wanted to clarify. How old are you and her? How old are your kids? You said the 14-year-old daughter moved in with her father. But do the other children still live with you? How many children are there? Does your fiance actually want kids or she doesn't want them? I'll reply once I get more info lol

[shouldhavelearned]

In person conversations, not texts

 

[TeeDee]

On 9/5/2024 at 3:09 PM, isthisit67 said:

What do I do!?! 😭

You immediately STOP having these types of deep conversations over text.  OMG.  You picked the absolute worst medium. 

Texts are for quick I loves yous or pick up milk.  They are NEVER EVER for serious discussions like this.  Ugh.  

Buy her flowers.  Go find her.  Tell her you love her.  Hug her & then talk to her face to face.  You miss 90% without all the non-verbal cues.  I can't stress enough how this horrible medium of text rather than a face to face discussion is making this so much worse.  The medium alone screams you don't give a flying fig about her or her feelings.  

I am not a parent but honestly if I got your 1st message I would have bolted.  It doesn't leave any room for her. You give lip service to caring about her but you say the kids are your priority & always will be.  You are deluding yourself.  Look at it this way:  If you made a promise to your children to attend their sporting events & you were there watching & cheering them on when you got a call that your GF was in a catastrophic car accident & being rushed to the hospital, are you really going to continue to prioritize the kids & stay through the end of the game or are you going to rush to the hospital?   Everybody's priorities shift in the moment.  She's asking for that flexibility but you want her feelings to come around instantly.  You chose to have kids & you had 9 months to get used to the idea of a child coming into your life.  Then you have the 1st few months to adjust to the baby.  She got walking, talking, needy children thrust on her.  Give her time.  All of you need to figure out your dynamic but you are not giving her space to forge her own path with your kids. 

At this point she point blank said she thinks the whole universe is against you.  This is not a person who thinks you two are going to make it.  

If you hope to fix this it has to be in person.  Stop texting her about stuff that is soooooo important.  

[Cherylyn]

It should concern you.  Have a very frank,  in person conversation with her regarding your having to always share her with your ex and intertwined children's lives.  She has to accept you as a package deal with baggage or this relationship will not endure.  There are strings attached to this relationship.  Remain realistic.  This problem will not go away during marriage and in fact,  it could grow worse.  She will become increasingly bitter and resentful.  😒

At this rate,  the marriage will not be sustainable. 

[yogacat]

These are your kids -- it's not like you are spending time with your ex, right? If anything, she probably feels insecure or left out when it comes to your bond with your children. You've made it clear through words and actions that she is important to you just as well but it can't be where you're choosing one thing over the other 24/7, hopefully you're keeping it balanced, she just needs to remember that.

Sometimes people need reassurance and that's totally okay! It's sounds like you've tried to explain to her your perspective and reassure her, which is great. Keep the lines of communication open and continue to listen to her feelings and try to understanding where she is coming from.

Make sure she understands that your children will always hold an important place in your life and that it's not about choosing between them and her. It's about finding a balance and making sure everyone's needs are being met. 

Ultimately, you want someone who can understand and accept your children as a part of your life and love and care for them as well. Start integrating her more in their lives.

It doesn't sound like you've been neglectful, it's just sometimes things in schedules will pop up where co-parenting is involved which is unavoidable.

Take it slow and cautiously. There has to be compromises and understanding in a relationship. It always seems that’s the biggest problem, one is  upset or one not happy in a good situation. Noticing what is the root of this could help respond to her in a better caring and understanding way, which makes the both of you happy. 

[ShySoul]

Keep doing what you are doing. Everything you wrote to him was correct. These are your children and they will always be in your life. You do have very little time left with them before they hit adulthood and are on their own. So savor every moment of that. Plus this is a new situation, her living with the father. There is an adjustment period and the top concern should be your daughter. He needs to understand that and be able to give it time.

Likewise, she has valid concerns. Being with a someone who has children means they will rightfully have their attention split. It can be upsetting at times and is an adjustment as well. Even if they are generally ok with it, there can be times when the emotions get the better of you. Doesn't mean it is a serious issue that will cause huge problems. It's just something to be aware of and make sure the lines of communication stay open so that each side can freely express themselves without fear of judgement or turning it into some major warning sign.

Both of you were honest in your feelings. Both of you have every right to feel as you do. And both of you tried to be respectful and understanding of the other. In my book, that bodes well. 

Have a sincere, honest talk in person. Reassure each other on how much you love and care about each other. Focus on what you share between you, how much good there is in the relationship. Things like this happen. There are misunderstandings. There are times when people let insecurities or emotions get the better of them. But if you are committed to making it work and talking through things together, you can get survive and build an even stronger relationship going forward.

Good luck.