Monk3y Posted September 5 Share Posted September 5 My wife has always enjoyed having a drink, but recently it’s escalated from having a bottle of wine a night ( I know, it’s still a lot) to having around 11 bottles of wine a week. I don’t drink at all unless I feel like it, which is pretty rare tbh, maybe 3-4 times per year I’ll have a drink. I’ve asked her for years to watch her intake as she can’t handle the effects and gets drunk super easy, that’s when her mean streak comes out, where she is aggressive when talking and constantly picks fights with me! Usually ends up in an argument and then the next day she has no recollection or she gives me the silent treatment as she is embarrassed by her actions! Either way it’s not healthy for our relationship and I’m worried about what our kids see when she is like this, especially our youngest! I’ve tried to approach the subject of her cutting down her intake to maybe just weekends before fazing it out completely & she always says she will then just carries on as normal! How do I help her? She’s had a lot of stress recently through work & losing her mum and her dad is unwell so I understand and want to help, but when she drinks it’s impossible and she spirals. Her ex husband was an alcoholic who ended up dying due to an alcohol related accident and I sometimes think that maybe they were alcoholics together. Any advice is appreciated. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kwothe28 Posted September 5 Share Posted September 5 1 hour ago, Monk3y said: How do I help her? Unless she wants to be helped to get into stuff like rehab or AA meetings, you cant help her. Addicts, especially ones like alcies, are notorious for stuff you described. Excessive drinking, mean streaks, aggressive behavior that escalates to physical violence. All symptoms of alcohol addiction. And sorry, you cant help her if she doesnt want to be helped. Best you can do for you and your kids is for all to move away from her. And I would recommend doing just that. Being with somebody like that destroys families. Your children watch you fight and it affects them very negatively. At least with her away they wont have to endure that. That is if you manage to get full custody. As I really cant see how she is fit to be mother at all with her addiction. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 5 Share Posted September 5 I would call or check the website of your local Alanon and ask them for resources - and I would not let your wife be alone with the kids much or drive them around. I'm so very sorry to hear this. I'm a married mom of a teen so I know how important it is to have two healthy parents and for the children to have good role models -and be safe!! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeeDee Posted September 5 Share Posted September 5 You need to start going to Al-Anon meetings. It is a support group for people like you who love somebody who has an addiction to alcohol. They will help you understand her behavior & support you as you figure out what is best for you under the circumstances. What you can't do is pressure her to change. She won't. She will always pick the bottle. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrina Posted September 5 Share Posted September 5 6 hours ago, Monk3y said: that’s when her mean streak comes out, where she is aggressive when talking and constantly picks fights with me! Aren't the children witness to this? If you were willing to be a masochist that'd be fine because you're a consenting adult. But to let your children to be around this toxic environment is neglect. As said, Al-Anon is something for yourself I'd highly recommend. After a meeting I'd let her know you attended. This might be a wake-up call to her that you will no longer let her behavior slide. Diseases like alcoholism need special treatment from a professional's guidance just like anyoe needs with a medical ailment. Sometimes it's dangerous to go cold turkey and a person needs detox. Sometimes an intervention can steer a person toward treatment where professionals also guide that process. She can't be allowed to drive the children anywhere so I hope you're not allowing that. Many people won't stop at all, or some in their own time whereas before they didn't care about what loved ones thought. If that's the case, you will have to do what's best for yourself and the kids and have supervised visitations with you having full custody. Good luck and let us know how it goes. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted September 5 Share Posted September 5 The only way she will seek help is that there are consequences to her drinking...that means hitting rock bottom..losing her job, losing you, her family, going to jail (DUI). Drinking is usually connected to mental illness/depression. Health wise she's a strong candidate for breast cancer. I agree you need to get counselling for yourself. AA or Al-Anon can help you navigate your situation. Meetings are on going 24/7 everywhere. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starlight925 Posted September 6 Share Posted September 6 At 11 bottles a week, she's dangerously close to 2 bottles a day. How old are your kids? I'm sorry to say, but you'll need to make some decisions here. She could hurt the kids by driving them or even a household accident. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted September 6 Share Posted September 6 I had an alcoholic father who would spend most of his free time at a bar, coming back drunk pretty much each day and passing out. I watched it destroy his marriage and damage our relationship to the point it never fully recovered. I had to worry for his safety as he had been mugged before. For the children's sake, try to get her to see how harmful this is for her and the family. Yes, she will have to be the one to address it. But she will need your love and support to help her through it and show her how deeply it is hurting everyone. Please note that if you decide to look into Al-Anon or AA, it contains a high degree of religion/spirituality. They say they are open to all, but your actual comfort level may vary, so it is something to consider if that is the right avenue for you. Educate yourself on alcoholism. Look into programs in your area and talk to them about what you can do. And continue to show her love and respect. It's a disease, one that requires compassion, understanding, and patience. https://al-anon.org/newcomers/how-can-i-help-my/ https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/addiction/how-to-help-alcoholic https://discoveryplace.info/articles/the-secrets-to-helping-an-alcoholic-family-member-or-friend/ https://secularrecovery.online/ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monk3y Posted September 8 Author Share Posted September 8 On 9/6/2024 at 2:58 AM, Starlight925 said: At 11 bottles a week, she's dangerously close to 2 bottles a day. How old are your kids? I'm sorry to say, but you'll need to make some decisions here. She could hurt the kids by driving them or even a household accident. Our youngest is 9 and the others are grown up now. I’m aware that I need to make a decision around this and have already told her that she will be ultimately end up on her own if she doesn’t take positive steps towards getting help! Which was difficult! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeeDee Posted September 9 Share Posted September 9 While you are going to the Al-Anon meetings find out if the local Al-Teen meeting will accept your 9 year old. You don't want mom's drinking to scar the child for life 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted September 10 Share Posted September 10 On 9/8/2024 at 12:07 AM, Monk3y said: Our youngest is 9 and the others are grown up now. I’m aware that I need to make a decision around this and have already told her that she will be ultimately end up on her own if she doesn’t take positive steps towards getting help! Which was difficult! I feel for you and the 9 year old. When I was that young my siblings were also fully grown, so they didn't get the full brunt of it. There were times growing up I felt I had to be the parent in the relationship. I'm sorry you have to go through this, and really sorry for the child. It's difficult. It's painful. But it's necessary. You need to protect that child most of all. And if the problem is that serious, something needs to be done as soon as possible. Stay strong, you can do this. Hoping things will improve soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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