Lack of touch causes stress, requests not met

[SicilyLorna]

I woke up with with chest pain as I have been experiencing extreme stress lately.

My husband was awake, so I asked him if he could touch me (stroke my back) as I felt it would make me relax and ease the pain. He reacted with annoyance, he said he couldn’t  touch my back because I was in a wrong position and he made no effort to try to touch me, just dismissed the whole request by an excuse for not being able. Of course I changed my position and asked again.

He stroked me about with 6-8 hand movements and considered he has fulfilled my request. He turned around and went back to his phone. 

I feel like it is a burden or a chore for him to touch me. He doesnt touch me unless we are having sex. So then asked if I could talk about it and without his phone. He put his phone away. I addressed this behaviour and tried to tell him how miserable his irritated reaction made me feel and he stormed out of bedroom accusing me of creating a problem out of nothing.

So now, not only am I lacking the touch, I am even more stressed out by his irritated reaction to my request, added by the defensiveness towards me trying to address his initial irritation.
 

I feel like I have no right to any tenderness or touch with him. I am regularly asking him to hug me, he does not do that on his own. He doesnt take the hint. And many times even these simple requests are met with anger or frustration. I have tried talking to him about it in so many occassions, sometimes he says he is hearing me, but I am starting to get the feeling its just something he says to get me to stop. 
 

Heres me thinking if you love your spouse you make them feel loved and a request to do a little gesture like stroking ones back would be met with positivity. Instead I feel like I am this huge burden to him. I would myseöf jump to the chance of fulfilling thia kind of small tokem of appreciation or love. 

During all our relationship I have been touch deprived. It was not so bad as early years we had a dog and I was able to cuddle the dog. Mind you, he was cuddling and touching the dog more than me, even just one year after our marriage. 
 

I am constantly dreaming of someone just holding me and touching me non sexually. Walking the street, I just want to jump on the oncoming person asking them, please hug me! I am considering divorce, so that I can get someone else to just hold me, because as it is now, I think it would be considered cheating. 
 

[ShySoul]

If it makes you feel better I am sending you a strictly platonic ehug.

Has he always been this way, not wanting touching or non sexual physical intimacy? It's not a recent deveopment or something he may be going through?

Do you know about the different types of love languages? You clearly give and receive love through physically touch. He may show his love through other methods. Does he do other things to show his love? Give gifts? Words of encouragement? Do little things around the house for you? He may consider that good enough and not realize how important it is to show in other ways as well.

You are not wrong to want little gestures like that that. More troubling is his lack of interest in listening to you or addressing the issue. Spell it out for him. This is how you show affection and what you need from him. You need to feel the love and romance. And you deserve to feel that. Hopefully he will be invested enough to return it. If not, then it is more then physical touch. It's about valuing you and wanted to make you happy.

 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, SicilyLorna said:

During all our relationship I have been touch deprived.

Knowing he was like this, why did you marry him? That's a serious question. 

You know how much you value touch, and you know how much he doesn't. This wasn't bound to go well over the long run.

How is your marriage otherwise? Do you soend quality time together? Do you generally get along well? How long have you been married?

[Batya33]

I recommend learning and practicing 4-7-8 breathing Weil method -watch the short video of it.  It helps me immensely with stress and pains like that and I can do it quietly on my own etc.  If your husband was awake and not working on his device yes he should have helped you. My husband gets migraines and I tell him - please please wake me whenever and I can help you (like you asked your husband I mean - help in that way or related) - he doesn't but I mean it -he knows I mean it -and one night I realized he didn't  feel well at like 1am and I stayed with him till he fell asleep. 

I used to do the 4-7-8 breathing mainly before sleeping or to get back to sleep but I've had some blood pressure issues and now been doing it during the day as well - it's also grounding and like a reset.  And so easy/non-medication etc.  

I'm sorry things are so stressful !!

[TeeDee]

Can you get him to read The 5 Love Languages?  Yours is obviously physical touch.  Maybe if he can understand your need better it will help toward fulfilling it. 

I do agree with @Batya33  You need to learn techniques to self soothe in the meantime. 

[Coily]

10 hours ago, SicilyLorna said:

He doesnt take the hint.

Hints never work.

It sounds like the negative disconnect is partly situational. When you have other conversations that he reacts poorly to, is it close to when you two disagree or has some time passed? Could he feel he's being accused in these moments? Could he be taking it as you want him to pay attention to you over his phone/other activity? Just trying to get perspective on the tone of these discussions.

Is he stressed over something too?

These sorts of issues tend to feel one sided and accusatory, perhaps a better approach would be along these lines. Rather than tell him how miserable, hurt, and stressed you are; tell him how much you love being touched by him. Tell him how much his touch relieves your stress, and how much more it makes you love him. It puts his actions in a positive light, instead of making him feel like a bum.

 

 

[AuthenticSelf]

Ok

Is lack of touch the main problem in this situation?

[Andrina]

Does he possess any good qualities as a partner? If so, what are they?

[BeatPoet]

On 9/5/2024 at 7:16 AM, SicilyLorna said:

During all our relationship I have been touch deprived. It was not so bad as early years we had a dog and I was able to cuddle the dog. Mind you, he was cuddling and touching the dog more than me, even just one year after our marriage. 

There must've been signs about his lack of affection before you got married. Why, if you have a need for physical intimacy, do you marry a 'cold fish'?

[ShySoul]

People with different love languages marry because love is not just expressed in one way. It is expressed in many different ways and the sum total of all those ways is what creates the overall feeling of love, happiness, and contentment we have in a relationship. Even if you feel one area is lacking or does not fulfill your preference, you can see everything else the person does to show affection and believe the overall picture is enough to be with that person.

And those relationships can work wonderfully as long as both sides are willing to listen and understand each other, making some effort and compromise.

If you feel there is an issues, communicate your specific concerns with your partner. Each reach out to the other and try to create a balance., meeting each other half way.

https://www.marriage.com/advice/love/different-love-languages/

https://www.sheknows.com/health-and-wellness/articles/2240518/partners-have-different-love-languages/