My bf and his gay friend.

[Spookymana]

And I have asked why he doesn’t shower much. He just makes excuses that he’s busy or he forgot to. It’ll just use baby whips to clean himself up.

[rainbowsandroses]

45 minutes ago, Spookymana said:

Why he’s doesn’t shower much is beyond me. 

^He does though before spending the night with his gay lover. 

He just doesn't care with you, he might be refusing to shower (and to be clean) to avoid having sex with you.

[MissCanuck]

10 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

He just doesn't care with you, he might be refusing to shower (and to be clean) to avoid having sex with you.

I was wondering the same thing. 

And I absolutely agree that he doesn't care about you, OP. He doesn't care to be clean and pleasant for you. But for his apparent lover, yes. 

[Morello]

The couple counselling suggestion was just to help resolve and clarify the situation in a somewhat respectful way that may lead to a positive path moving forward, whatever it is, including to help both process this. There are kids involved, etc., so it would be good to get on good terms anyway.

But yeah, unlikely that it will save the relationship itself, so agree with others that it might not be productive.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

I think you really need to reconsider this relationship. 

Regardless of whether there is something more between them, your boyfriend is behaving in dismissive and disrespectful ways towards you and your family. 

And what is up wit your boyfriend's generally poor personal hygiene? That's just gross. I wouldn't be able to tolerate being near him, let alone having sex with him. Yuck. Why doesn't he bathe more frequently? What kind of work does he do where he can get away showing up unwashed like that? 

Yes I agree. I think this has less to do with your boyfriend's sexual orientation but about his choices to interact with this person in the way he does.  My relationship with a man who ended up coming out of the closet after we broke up finally (he proposed marriage, I declined) never involved anything to do with sexual orientation.  There were zero signs of this from my perspective -the opposite actually - we were very um heterosexual together lol - and the only possible connection was I did sense throughout that he could be emotionally distant/cold which in my early 20s was a challenge but perhaps was part of him pulling away and being in internal conflict about his orientation -this was in the early 1990s.  I found out 10 years after we broke up when we met up for coffee and he told me.  I'd only seen him once at a party for a mutual friend 5 years earlier and he attended on his own.  

I know you have a child to consider.  In this case I would think it's in the child's best interests to co-parent but not be romantically involved with this person whether or not he is gay or bisexual or whatever.

[Batya33]

46 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It's not uncommon for a man to want to cover it by getting with a woman.  

I've heard of men hiding it for years!  They got married, had kids etc.  And come out later in life. 

There are many reasons why - society, the stigma, many men feel shame, just to name a few. 

 

My ex I mentioned below and that Darkchoc mentioned was going to marry me -I ended it after declining his marriage proposal and lead a double life or try to.  I found that out 10 years later after telling our mutual friend that my ex had "come out" to me. Back then there was a real stigma in our circumstances especially.  He's been happily married to a man for many years and I couldn't be happier for them.

[rainbowsandroses]

I couldn't think of the word earlier but the word for a romantic partner being used to conceal one's true sexual orientation is "beard."

It's slang and is defined as:

A romantic partner used to conceal sexual orientation

A person who is used as a romantic partner to hide someone's sexual orientation, such as a gay or lesbian person. This can be done knowingly or unknowingly, and the term can be used in heterosexual and non-heterosexual contexts.

[CrowWing]

Some additional things for you to consider why you might not want to stay in this relationship, and bearing in mind that your kids are surely also observing all of the following whether consciously or not:

1. Your bf is either cheating on you with this friend AND/OR has been leading the friend on for many years (e.g. going on trips and getting dolled up). Either way, that’s a cruel way to treat people and your bf has more than proved he’s OK with that and that he can/will carry on hurting people he supposedly cares about. For years. For decades. He’s getting something out of it, physical or ego, and doesn’t seem to care about others’ feelings. He’s ok with gaslighting the people close to him, both you and the friend. This poor guy (the friend) may be crude and of course you don’t need to stay around that if you don’t like his style, but if you can feel a little compassion for him, you may be able to better see that he really is not the problem here. 
 

2.  The unfortunate fact seems to be that at least one of your kids is also your bf’s biological child and you will have to share custody. The friend’s crassness really isn’t something to worry about; all my friends and I talked one way with each other and another way around our parents; didn’t you? Most people develop situational awareness. Also, I mean, if this is a concern for you — hearing about certain acts isn’t going to change your kids’ orientation or really harm them. Expand their eventual repertoire maybe (lol) but if they learn to respect their own and others’ honest desires, they’ll be fine. The problem is that your bf might be deeply toxic as I pointed out above, and that may be the case no matter who he’s involved with. All you can do is try to model healthy boundaries, compassion for self and others, and make sure they have access to some trustworthy people in their lives. A lot of us grow up with one or two messed up parents; seems to be the normal human condition. 

3. You’ve compromised your own physical and emotional desires. What are you still doing down there if his lacking hygiene disgusts you? Why are you trying to hold on to this man who clearly lacks integrity in his relationships? Not for the kids - you already know you don’t want them to grow up thinking it’s OK to be treated this way. Some work on your own boundaries might enable you to be happier and healthier.

I also am so very sorry, for you, your kids, and yes even this friend, that you’re all in such a stressful and painful situation with a guy who really seems to just not care at all  (based on his continued actions and choices). I hope all of you are able to move on and grow from this.

[smackie9]

If you so want proof, hire a PI for a day and have him followed on one of his bro visits. Not all PIs are expensive...less than 200 bucks a day.

[Tinydance]

5 hours ago, smackie9 said:

If you so want proof, hire a PI for a day and have him followed on one of his bro visits. Not all PIs are expensive...less than 200 bucks a day.

Personally I wouldn't do that because I sort of equate that with stalking. I think if your partner keeps lying to you then you already have your answer anyway. You don't need to hire a private investigator.

[Tinydance]

8 hours ago, CrowWing said:

Some additional things for you to consider why you might not want to stay in this relationship, and bearing in mind that your kids are surely also observing all of the following whether consciously or not:

1. Your bf is either cheating on you with this friend AND/OR has been leading the friend on for many years (e.g. going on trips and getting dolled up). Either way, that’s a cruel way to treat people and your bf has more than proved he’s OK with that and that he can/will carry on hurting people he supposedly cares about. For years. For decades. He’s getting something out of it, physical or ego, and doesn’t seem to care about others’ feelings. He’s ok with gaslighting the people close to him, both you and the friend. This poor guy (the friend) may be crude and of course you don’t need to stay around that if you don’t like his style, but if you can feel a little compassion for him, you may be able to better see that he really is not the problem here. 
 

2.  The unfortunate fact seems to be that at least one of your kids is also your bf’s biological child and you will have to share custody. The friend’s crassness really isn’t something to worry about; all my friends and I talked one way with each other and another way around our parents; didn’t you? Most people develop situational awareness. Also, I mean, if this is a concern for you — hearing about certain acts isn’t going to change your kids’ orientation or really harm them. Expand their eventual repertoire maybe (lol) but if they learn to respect their own and others’ honest desires, they’ll be fine. The problem is that your bf might be deeply toxic as I pointed out above, and that may be the case no matter who he’s involved with. All you can do is try to model healthy boundaries, compassion for self and others, and make sure they have access to some trustworthy people in their lives. A lot of us grow up with one or two messed up parents; seems to be the normal human condition. 

3. You’ve compromised your own physical and emotional desires. What are you still doing down there if his lacking hygiene disgusts you? Why are you trying to hold on to this man who clearly lacks integrity in his relationships? Not for the kids - you already know you don’t want them to grow up thinking it’s OK to be treated this way. Some work on your own boundaries might enable you to be happier and healthier.

I also am so very sorry, for you, your kids, and yes even this friend, that you’re all in such a stressful and painful situation with a guy who really seems to just not care at all  (based on his continued actions and choices). I hope all of you are able to move on and grow from this.

100% all this. I'm not sure how old the kids are but clearly one isn't even born yet so is very tiny. I don’t think there's an issue if people have a gay friend and they talk about just being gay in general. I mean, kids often ask questions like: "Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?" And the gay friend might say: "No I don't have a girlfriend, I like boys." I mean unless someone is homophobic then it shouldn't bother them that their friend talks about being gay only in general terms. However, if the comments are are sexual and graphic then that's just inappropriate for children. Even if the content was about heterosexual sex. And of course if this friend is making all these sexual or sleazy comments towards your partner, it's just really off and disrespectful. If you're all supposed to be friends then this guy should act like a platonic friend.

I definitely think that something very iffy is going on here regardless of whether your partner is actually gay/bi or not. Like what are this man's values if he allows someone to constantly drink alcohol in front of his kids and talk about sex in front of them? And even if he doesn't want to end the friendship but he's clearly not setting any boundaries if the friend just keeps doing this?

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

100% all this. I'm not sure how old the kids are but clearly one isn't even born yet so is very tiny. I don’t think there's an issue if people have a gay friend and they talk about just being gay in general. I mean, kids often ask questions like: "Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?" And the gay friend might say: "No I don't have a girlfriend, I like boys." I mean unless someone is homophobic then it shouldn't bother them that their friend talks about being gay only in general terms. However, if the comments are are sexual and graphic then that's just inappropriate for children. Even if the content was about heterosexual sex. And of course if this friend is making all these sexual or sleazy comments towards your partner, it's just really off and disrespectful. If you're all supposed to be friends then this guy should act like a platonic friend.

I definitely think that something very iffy is going on here regardless of whether your partner is actually gay/bi or not. Like what are this man's values if he allows someone to constantly drink alcohol in front of his kids and talk about sex in front of them? And even if he doesn't want to end the friendship but he's clearly not setting any boundaries if the friend just keeps doing this?

We have gay friends.  Our son is 15- one couple we've known since he was 3.  They have never ever spoken in front of him about being gay -just like none of the heterosexual couples we are friends with and  that our sons know have never talked about their sexual orientation as heterosexuals.  I don't see where that needs to come up.  If my son were to ask a single adult if they had a partner they can say yes or no and if my son were somehow to ask "boyfriend" of a gay woman I would hope she'd just say no - no need to go further and explain why or that if she had a partner they'd be female.  My son and I read books about sex including sexual orientation and gender and preferences.  He has friends with two dads and  two moms over the years, friends with a single parent, divorced parents.  

To me there's no reason for parents' friends to make sexual comments in front of the kids unless they're adults - especially not about one of the parents -ick.  And no reason to share about their particular sex life or sexual orientation or preferences with a child without the parents' permission.  Being gay doesn't mean any need for explanation any more than being heterosexual requires explanation IMO.  There's something really wrong here OP especially where the kids are involved.

[Spookymana]

Yes, one of our children is unborn at the moment.  But our other children are teenagers and old enough to understand the BS that is being said and even if they weren’t, it shouldn’t be said, especially in front of them. 
this friend of his has no boundaries of what he says, and how he talks even when we’re out in public he’s talking about all this guy’s hot only come here for the hot guys. Or he’ll make weird comments about my boyfriend and my boyfriend‘s brother will get in on the stupid jokes and say *** when we’re picking between board games one of which we didn’t choose (that the gay friend brought) which was made for couples/swingers(no idea why he even brought the game to play. One of the things on the board game was if you land on that space you have to kiss somebody. The brother said you’d love it if you landed on that spot and had to kiss my brother  (I won’t say names. He was talking about my bf). I got quite an awkward for a moment. (As the gay guy blushed.) my boyfriend wasn’t there to hear the statement.  He was grabbing another game to play from somewhere else. 
  My boyfriend and I have both had conversations with both of them about stupid comments and how disturbing it is yet it doesn’t seem to completely stop. Even though they know that it makes us both very uncomfortable.
  I’m like I’ve said we’ve gone out on family trips with our kids and the brother and the gay guy and the gay guy ran off to the bar to try to hook up with people and made it known. He also brought an anal toy and had it out on the dresser where it was obvious for everybody to see the toy in a box. 
 And my boyfriend keeps making the excuse that it’s because the guy drinks and that he supposedly sees that he’s drinking too much and is trying to cut back and agrees that he’ll not make these comments anymore.

Some how I’m just being selfish apparently because I don’t want it around anymore and I’m tired of dealing with it. I honestly believe that the friend only came up with the idea of not being around the kids and I anymore because he doesn’t want to stop doing it and it’s a loophole. 
 

[Batya33]

Our son is 15 and old enough too but why subject your children who live with you to this type of language and behavior? Why should they have to tolerate this in their own home? I've been called worse than selfish when I've done the Mama Bear thing to protect my child.  I think you can tell him as the mother you will not allow this person in your home when  your kids are around because of the language and they see him being disrespectful to you.  Let him see this person outside the home without your children (and I get that  you are not comfortable with that either but at least your kids won't have to put up with this inappropriate behavior).

[CrowWing]

There is the issue of things you can control, and things you can’t control. You can’t control how other adults behave. I completely agree that if the relationship is solid, one person should want to respect the other person’s requests and preferences. If they don’t, and don’t have a reason that you can agree with, then it’s not a solid relationship. Your bf isn’t respecting your boundaries, and doesn’t follow through with the agreements he makes with you about the friend. Even if he has good intentions, he continues to make the same choices. In what other parts of your lives together does/will he betray you? Money? Parenting? Safety? He has shown he’s not trustworthy over and over again, and that he cannot be a good partner to you, even if he wants to or wishes he could. 

You’ve said you’ve repeatedly had this conversation with your bf, and it sounds like he agrees and then doesn’t change. Your feelings and words are not a meaningful enough consequence of his behavior for him to change. Yes, if you give him harsher consequences, he may decide to leave you. But if he does that, then what have you really lost?

And what if he then gets together with the friend? Who won a great prize, there? Two people together who don’t conduct their friendships and romances with respect and integrity? Plus a substance abuse illness? Best of luck, boys.

He’s not the person you wish that he was. It’s almost as heartbreaking to grieve the loss of a wish as it is to grieve the loss of a real person, I do understand, and that’s why I said how sorry I am that you’re in this position and that your bf has failed you, because it’s so painful and difficult no matter what choice you make next. And I know how impossible it feels to make those choices and how hard it is to step back and really see the situation when you’re right in the middle of it.

Also, you’re in a challenging co-parenting situation whether you stay together or not. I’m glad you’re finding support in this forum from all these kind people. Maybe it would also help if you seek some advice and ongoing support from a group of other people working on co-parenting with a divorced or separated partner? Because even if you stay with bf, you’re already in the position of trying to co-parent with someone who’s not (maybe despite his intentions, granted) on the same page with you.

[Spookymana]

All of this is so overwhelming and hurts like hell. Ugh 😑 

i appreciate everyone here for the support y’all are giving me. I wish I had evidence and didn’t feel so alone. I don’t have friends bc I always put my kids safe and well-being first. Which sucks but I know it’s better that way for them. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Spookymana said:

All of this is so overwhelming and hurts like hell. Ugh 😑 

i appreciate everyone here for the support y’all are giving me. I wish I had evidence and didn’t feel so alone. I don’t have friends bc I always put my kids safe and well-being first. Which sucks but I know it’s better that way for them. 

Often it takes a village to raise a child including having friends -doesn't have to be mom friends at all.  Your kids benefit from seeing their mom interact with friends.  Friends help when your kids are sick or when you need a little break or a larger break.  Again doesn't have to be mom friends.  I once babysat a baby at my neighbor downstairs for an hour so she could do a conference call -he had pneumonia and an ear infection.  My friend drove me and my son to his pre-k in icy cold weather so I could have a couple of hours to breathe while solo parenting.  I helped and now help my friends through their divorces, and my friend helped me revisit really tough memories making me question stuff. 

I talk with my friends about books we're reading, about our work, about travel we have done or plan to do -because you can't be all to your kids if you're all to yourself and playing this sort of martyr thing where you sacrifice adult friendships for your kids will backfire.  I have opposite sex friends and female friends who are lesbian or bi, our son's godfather is a dear friend for 29 years now including of mine.  I think friendships are essential and not just for parenting help as I wrote.  

[rainbowsandroses]

9 hours ago, Spookymana said:

I wish I had evidence and didn’t feel so alone.

I'm sorry you feel so alone however you have all the evidence you need, it's all staring you right in the face, clear as a bright sunny day.

You just refuse to "see" it, you're not ready to see it, you don't want to see it as that would mean taking action that you are not yet prepared to take - emotionally and physically (i.e. ending the relationship).

I'm truly sorry but remaining in this sham of a relationship is doing you and your kids more harm than good.

Hopefully soon you will realize that, in the meantime, please get checked regularly for STDs assuming you are still having sex with him.

I hope you're not but if you are, get checked immediately and periodically. 

Your life is at risk and if course the well being of your children as well.

Good luck. 

 

[Spookymana]

On 9/7/2024 at 8:22 AM, Batya33 said:

Often it takes a village to raise a child including having friends -doesn't have to be mom friends at all.  Your kids benefit from seeing their mom interact with friends.  Friends help when your kids are sick or when you need a little break or a larger break.  Again doesn't have to be mom friends.  I once babysat a baby at my neighbor downstairs for an hour so she could do a conference call -he had pneumonia and an ear infection.  My friend drove me and my son to his pre-k in icy cold weather so I could have a couple of hours to breathe while solo parenting.  I helped and now help my friends through their divorces, and my friend helped me revisit really tough memories making me question stuff. 

I talk with my friends about books we're reading, about our work, about travel we have done or plan to do -because you can't be all to your kids if you're all to yourself and playing this sort of martyr thing where you sacrifice adult friendships for your kids will backfire.  I have opposite sex friends and female friends who are lesbian or bi, our son's godfather is a dear friend for 29 years now including of mine.  I think friendships are essential and not just for parenting help as I wrote.  

I don’t have friends.  It’s always us being around his friends or me taking care of the house and kids on top of working and paying my own way for everything. It’s so frustrating. I feel like I’m just a friend more than a partner that he loves and adores. 
 He expects me to find work right after I have the baby to work from home, like I won’t already have my hands full with a newborn, 2 other children, house work and recovery let alone looking for a job 🤦🏻‍♀️ it’s so overwhelming 

[Tinydance]

4 minutes ago, Spookymana said:

I don’t have friends.  It’s always us being around his friends or me taking care of the house and kids on top of working and paying my own way for everything. It’s so frustrating. I feel like I’m just a friend more than a partner that he loves and adores. 
 He expects me to find work right after I have the baby to work from home, like I won’t already have my hands full with a newborn, 2 other children, house work and recovery let alone looking for a job 🤦🏻‍♀️ it’s so overwhelming 

Yeah I'm sorry to say but it sounds like likely your partner probably is gay and you're just his cover. Maybe he's not acting like he loves and adores you because he doesn't? I'm sorry 😞

I really think though that now you need to start looking out for you. Especially if your partner and his friends don't respect you so why spend time with them? Also I don't really think it's a good idea to have no friends and only have your children. I've seen what happens in these situations that when the children become adults and live their own life, the mother acts too clingy. You can't have only your children because one day they won't be children anymore. They'll move out and have their own friends and family. So you'll need friends of your own to fill your days with.

[Spookymana]

18 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Yeah I'm sorry to say but it sounds like likely your partner probably is gay and you're just his cover. Maybe he's not acting like he loves and adores you because he doesn't? I'm sorry 😞

I really think though that now you need to start looking out for you. Especially if your partner and his friends don't respect you so why spend time with them? Also I don't really think it's a good idea to have no friends and only have your children. I've seen what happens in these situations that when the children become adults and live their own life, the mother acts too clingy. You can't have only your children because one day they won't be children anymore. They'll move out and have their own friends and family. So you'll need friends of your own to fill your days with.

They’re almost old enough to move out and I’m not clingy towards my kids. So there’s no worry there. 
  I use to have friends but moved and stopped talking to them. Since my bf thought I was flirting with them. Even when it was nothing like that at all. 
  Most of my friends were dudes and a few females. We never really hung out though bc they like to party and I don’t 

[ShySoul]

My mother essentially gave herself to raising three boys. She didn't work after I was born, I believe because my father didn't want her to. She also didn't have any friends. And her husband wasn't there for her as he preferred the company of people at a bar. I saw what that did to her. By the time I, the youngest, was starting college it left her feeling alone and empty. Even when she got a divorce, she didn't really have anywhere to go or anyone to turn to. 

Don't get to that point. If you aren't feeling loved or supported, you need to start loving yourself more. Find your own thing, away from the home, that makes you happy. If you want friends, find something to do and start meeting people who could become friends. It's difficult to face all the hardships you are facing alone. Having a friend to help you through would make it a lot easier to bear.

Like Tinydance said, start looking out for yourself. It's difficult. But you can do it. And it's better to start today then to keep going unhappy as you are. 

[Tinydance]

23 hours ago, Spookymana said:

They’re almost old enough to move out and I’m not clingy towards my kids. So there’s no worry there. 
  I use to have friends but moved and stopped talking to them. Since my bf thought I was flirting with them. Even when it was nothing like that at all. 
  Most of my friends were dudes and a few females. We never really hung out though bc they like to party and I don’t 

I guess my question is, do you think you really want to stay with your partner? I mean, obviously you've been with him for ten years so you saw something good in him. But to me what you've described doesn't sound good to be honest. Your partner told you not to hang out with male friends because you were "flirting". But if you weren't then obviously he just doesn't want you to have male friends full stop. But yet he's really close to his gay friend who's hitting on him? And him having the gay friend is basically the equivalent of him having female friends because the friend is into guys. So there's a huge double standard there.

Also am I correct in understanding that your partner goes out with friends, goes away on trips with this gay friend? But you don't really go out? You only stay home with the kids? That doesn't seem fair to me, especially while you're pregnant. A lot of women don't feel well when they're pregnant physically and/or mentally. So you probably need more help but yet he's going away with that gay friend and getting drunk and just does whatever he wants. I mean I'm sorry but it does come across from your posts that his care factor is low.