My bf and his gay friend.

[Spookymana]

I don’t know where to start tbh.  
 My partner of many years about a decade. Has a gay guy friend that he’s been on and off friends with for 20ish years. 
  The gay friend makes nasty comments about my bf in a sexual manner. My bf never seems to see it. Yet everyone around us does. Even though he doesn’t see it he’s tried telling this guy it’s disrespectful and gross to do this. Yet the last 10 years it’s still been happening and gets worse when the guy is drinking. 
  My partner doesn’t see it like I said but knows it bothers others around is. He has spoken to this person about this again recently and before doing so til me he was ready to cut all ties with said person.  Since he agrees that he shouldn’t be talking like that being weird and flirty and checking him out. 
    I tried stating that this person seriously needs to change his actions, since it’s rude and disrespectful to him and our relationship and is now rubbing off on our children. Who have made weird comments about the 2 of them since hearing weird comments being made about them over the years.
 I’m pregnant and don’t want this behavior around our kids any longer. I thought our kids are old enough where they should know not to say this stuff but clearly. I was wrong and now we will have a baby growing up around it possibly? This is not ok in my eyes at all. 
 Now that they met up and hung out. (For 7+hrs without communicating with me like he said he would.) He has changed his mind and acts like I’m in the wrong for trying to communicate my feelings on the situation. His friend made the suggestion that they should just be friends outside of my kids and I. Which I find to be disrespectful for the fact that the friend knows my bf doesn’t see the nasty comments and that he could just continue to do the weird *** he’s been doing and saying without consequences. Like he’s trying to use it as a loop hole. 
 After I mentioned the way I feel about his so called friend. Stating that a true friend/brother wouldn’t have a crush on you and wouldn’t speak about you in a sexual manner. 
My partner got all defensive and started attacking me. Calling me all kind of names and acted like I’m in the wrong for just trying to talk to him about my feelings on the situation. He said I’m treating him like a child. 
  Before meeting up with said person he was all sweet and loving and  understanding about not wanting this toxic behavior in our lives. Now he says if I’m trying to kick this person out of his life than I can leave and raise the kids and baby alone.
Now is making excuses saying this persons always had his back and doesn’t talk bad about him. (Yet the friend tried to end the friendship a few months ago. When he was out dating multiple people and didn’t want to be friends with my bf anymore. Now he’s inviting to do stuff with him again randomly.)

My bf doesn’t shower much but seems to shower everytime he stays over at this gay friends house. Which bothers me allot. I hate he doesn’t seem to care how clean he is when with me (we have sex often) I really don’t wanna smell his musty balls. I hate feeling like he’s doing things with this gay friend.
Every time the subject comes up he’s annoyed and snapping saying he feels like I see him in away that isn’t him. yet he’s the reason I feel this way. 
 He also says this is why he doesn’t feel comfortable with me pegging him like he’s been wanting me to do. Which I find to be stupid. If anything is not exploring in the bed room makes me feel more justified that I’m right. Like a time he went on a trip with this friend and for the 2 days before he did anal play with himself and brought lube on the trip when it was only going to be him and this gay friend sleeping in a hotel room together. Yet I’m not supposed to have a weird feeling about them?!

[Tinydance]

Well you could be right that something is going on there. Do you think there's any reason that your boyfriend would want to hide that he's gay or bisexual? Like, is he religious or do you live in a country/society that doesn't accept gay people? If he's known this friend for 20 years it seems weird to me that if he really was gay or bi that he wouldn't just be with his friend if he wanted to. Like, his friend was there long before you. If he's not religious or live in a society where being gay isn't accepted then what I don't get is if he is actually gay then why hide it? Unless he has his own internalised homophobia and feels ashamed about it.

The issue I see here is you actually can't control who he can or can't be friends with. Even though this gay guy clearly sounds out of line but for some reason your partner is fine with it. So the reason why he's fine with it is either coz he's not into the friend so doesn't care what he says. Or he actually IS into his friend. But the thing is that his friend has been in his life for 20 years and is a really close friend. So as you can imagine it's not just easy for him to dump him like he's only met him yesterday. And obviously for whatever reason your partner doesn't have an issue with him. He actually likes this guy and it's YOU who doesn't like him.  But it's his friend and not yours. So as much as it sucks but it's actually not your decision whether he can be friends with him or not.

Also on another note, it's not disrespectful to you in and of itself if your partner hangs out with his friends without you. You don't need to hang out with his friends all the time because he's allowed his own time with his friends. Like, if you have girl friends and you go out with them. You aren't obligated to bring your partner with you every time.

Don't get me wrong, I understand why you don't like this friend in particular. I'm just playing devil's advocate here. Unfortunately I agree with your partner that you are actually treating him like a child by dictating who he's allowed to be friends with. At the end of the day also, the gay friend isn't the only problem. Your partner is part of the problem because he's not setting any boundaries with this friend. But your partner is a grown man so how he behaves is out of your control.

I mean, do you have particular proof that anything romantic or sexual is going on between them? Maybe nothing is going on, at least not on your partner's end. Personally if I didn't like one of my partner's friends then I'd do exactly what he suggested. I'd just let my partner hang out with that friend and I'd stay away from them. Because telling them to cut off that friend is controlling. That's just my opinion.

[ShySoul]

People have the right to be friends with whomever they want, even if everyone else doesn't like the person. For whatever reason, he wants to be friends and spend time with this person. That is his choice.

Likewise, it is your choice to not allow yourself or your children around him. If they still want to be friends, and you can't stand being around him, then wouldn't the only real solution be that he spends time with him without you there?

Is your issue really with the friend, or is this more about your suspicions about your partner? You say he is oblivious to the comments, then heavily insinuate about what he is doing when he goes over there. How do you feel about the possibility of him being bi? How would you feel if he was cheating with him? How have you brought the topic up to him? And is there any other reason to suspect this outside of the one person? Is there anything in his past that could explain his feelings or his reluctance to come to terms with it?

If you are really uncomfortable with this, holding it in won't change anything. You need to lay it all out and ask him to lay it all out as well. Don't try to control his actions, that will only make him mad and more determined to see the friend. Have an honest take about your suspicions and how it makes you feel. Say you care about him and just want the truth, why does he go along with someone who so clearly crosses lines?

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Spookymana said:

brought lube on the trip when it was only going to be him and this gay friend sleeping in a hotel room together.

Uh...why did he say he neede lube for this trip? 

 I am sorry, OP., I think your instinct might be right that there is something more going on between them. 

[Spookymana]

I’m not trying to control who he’s friends with. I want respect and if he’s serious that he wants this relationship to be healthy he  would respect the boundaries of not sleeping over his house or anywhere with him like he had agreed to in the past then took it back.  Plus his friend would respect our wishes of being less gross 🤢 when he speaks in general and especially when talking to and about my partner.
 I’m just tired of him saying one thing and then changing it after talking to this said friend. 
 He said he brought the lube to touch himself in the shower. Which makes no sense bc they were only gone 2 days and he almost never touched himself and it was weird he did the couple days before the trip and added the anal toys when he said he hasn’t done it in almost a year. So my question was why would he do it right before the trip with this person specifically and never before a trip when he goes with his brother. Just seems super suspicious and the part where he barely showers yet every time he’s around this guy he showers. He use to always shave before seeing him as well, until I pointed it out to him. 
  I have had the conversation with him no matter what is said he gets defensive and says if he was gay he’d admit it. Then says stuff like he wants a 3 sim with me and a transgender (female with a penis) that he would consider sucking the *** and anal play. That even if I used a toy on him it wouldn’t be the same as a real natural *** doing the job. (Which sound gay to me. Especially with all this extra stuff with the gay friend) he swears if he was gay/bi this guy friend wouldn’t be his type at all. 
  Yes I would be mad if he’s cheating no matter who it’s with. It’s still cheating. ESPECIALLY when we’ve had these conversations in the past and he says he hasn’t been with anyone aside from me since we’ve met. 
 Plus this said friend sleeps around without protection and I don’t need to catch anything. Especially with the fact that I’m carrying my bfs child and have always been super cautious about who I’ve slept with my whole life. Always had them get tested first. 
 I’d rather he just left. I’m not interested in a 3 sum I’m an old soul in a young body. I don’t even find others sexually attractive at all. Which he knows. 

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, Spookymana said:

Now that they met up and hung out. (For 7+ hrs without communicating with me like he said he would.)

^^What do you think they were doing for 7+ hours that he couldn't communicate with you? 

3 hours ago, Spookymana said:

My bf doesn’t shower much but seems to shower everytime he stays over at this gay friends house.

^^Again do you have an opinion as to why he does this?  Needs to be fresh and clean when spending the night with his gay friend but doesn't care to be clean when he's with you?

With everything else you've written including him defending him when he makes sexual comments and lashing out at you, perhaps it's time you consider the very strong possibility that your boyfriend is gay or bi and having a sexual affair with this person. 

Perhaps you should consider making other arrangements for you and your baby and leave them to it..

If me, I would.

JMO

Good luck..

 

[MissCanuck]

8 minutes ago, Spookymana said:

hen says stuff like he wants a 3 sim with me and a transgender (female with a penis) that he would consider sucking the *** and anal play. That even if I used a toy on him it wouldn’t be the same as a real natural *** doing the job. (Which sound gay to me.

Well, obviously he has some sexual attraction to those with a penis. There's no sense denying it, though he seems very reluctant to admit it. It is right there. He might not want a relationship with anyone else, but clealry he is sexually aroused by this. 

I think you are right to be very concerned about what is going on with his friend, OP. 

[Tinydance]

27 minutes ago, Spookymana said:

I’m not trying to control who he’s friends with. I want respect and if he’s serious that he wants this relationship to be healthy he  would respect the boundaries of not sleeping over his house or anywhere with him like he had agreed to in the past then took it back.  Plus his friend would respect our wishes of being less gross 🤢 when he speaks in general and especially when talking to and about my partner.
 I’m just tired of him saying one thing and then changing it after talking to this said friend. 
 He said he brought the lube to touch himself in the shower. Which makes no sense bc they were only gone 2 days and he almost never touched himself and it was weird he did the couple days before the trip and added the anal toys when he said he hasn’t done it in almost a year. So my question was why would he do it right before the trip with this person specifically and never before a trip when he goes with his brother. Just seems super suspicious and the part where he barely showers yet every time he’s around this guy he showers. He use to always shave before seeing him as well, until I pointed it out to him. 
  I have had the conversation with him no matter what is said he gets defensive and says if he was gay he’d admit it. Then says stuff like he wants a 3 sim with me and a transgender (female with a penis) that he would consider sucking the *** and anal play. That even if I used a toy on him it wouldn’t be the same as a real natural *** doing the job. (Which sound gay to me. Especially with all this extra stuff with the gay friend) he swears if he was gay/bi this guy friend wouldn’t be his type at all. 
  Yes I would be mad if he’s cheating no matter who it’s with. It’s still cheating. ESPECIALLY when we’ve had these conversations in the past and he says he hasn’t been with anyone aside from me since we’ve met. 
 Plus this said friend sleeps around without protection and I don’t need to catch anything. Especially with the fact that I’m carrying my bfs child and have always been super cautious about who I’ve slept with my whole life. Always had them get tested first. 
 I’d rather he just left. I’m not interested in a 3 sum I’m an old soul in a young body. I don’t even find others sexually attractive at all. Which he knows. 

The thing is though that your partner is more the issue here than the friend. I agree the friend is being disrespectful but not only does your partner allow it but he potentially is into it. I don't actually think the friend would be doing this if your partner was like: "You need to stop this right now man!" But for whatever reason he's tolerating or even encouraging it.

I think you have some big issues going on there and it's not just related to this friend. I mean it's clear your boyfriend is attracted to penis and receiving anal. He wants to have a threesome with a transgender woman. I don't think that he's completely straight. Even if he's not gay, he's probably bisexual or bi curious. And maybe it wouldn't even be an issue if he's bi on its own but you are not interested in having a threesome. Or being polyamorous where he gets to mess around with his friend. I mean let's get real, if he was fully straight, his gay friend's advances would make him feel uncomfortable. But you say he "doesn't notice". I'm sure he notices! But he likes it for whatever reason.

I think you need to stop fixating on this friend as the only cause of the problem because he's not. He's behaving in a way that your partner allows/encourages him to behave. And telling your partner to end the friendship won't really solve the problem for good. If your partner is gay/bi and he actually wants sexual experiences with penis, he'll find it somewhere else. The friend is just a symptom of what your boyfriend actually WANTS to be doing. Your boyfriend is the actual problem here.

And yes it's suspicious that he brings lube or does anal play right before going on a trip with this friend. If he's actually sharing a room with this guy why would he be jerking off if the guy is right there? Like if I share a hotel room with a female friend I'm not going to masturbate in front of her. 

[Spookymana]

Oh I agree my bf is a big part of the problem. Yet says it me. When in reality when I bring it up I’m talking calmly and respectfully and just getting disrespected with an attitude and a raised tone.  
  He says he doesn’t mention the gross and weird stuff bc it makes the situation more uncomfortable especially when we are around others. He also makes excuses that his friend only does this weird stuff when drink. ( he’s always drunk. He’s an alcoholic. Full on.) 

[Tinydance]

Just now, Spookymana said:

Oh I agree my bf is a big part of the problem. Yet says it me. When in reality when I bring it up I’m talking calmly and respectfully and just getting disrespected with an attitude and a raised tone.  
  He says he doesn’t mention the gross and weird stuff bc it makes the situation more uncomfortable especially when we are around others. He also makes excuses that his friend only does this weird stuff when drink. ( he’s always drunk. He’s an alcoholic. Full on.) 

So does this friend come over to your house and you all hang out? I don't think you can really tell him to cut off his friend but maybe just remove yourself and the kids from the situation. Like, go to another room, go for a walk with the kids, etc. I agree with you it's really inappropriate to have a constantly drunk person around your children who says sexual stuff. But again your boyfriend is allowing all this. And you gotta wonder why he keeps someone like this around. Has this stuff with the friend been going on the whole ten years you've been together? 

[Spookymana]

Yes, his friend does come over to the house and no my boyfriend doesn’t have that right to just have him over especially when the kids are here when we made the agreement that he’s not allowed around our children, unless he changes the way he talks and the drinking problem.  

Plus, my home is my comfort zone and I shouldn’t have to feel disrespected and uncomfortable in it. Especially with my children and as soon to have newborn.
 I will not allow that *** around my children and we have nowhere to go. We can’t walk anywhere when we live next to a man highway.  
 And of course, I don’t like them hanging out, especially when I get ignored for hours. With all the weird *** that’s gone on and I definitely don’t like him spending the night at his house.

this person has gone on family trips with us and hung out at the bar to find a person to hook up with when he was supposed to be spending time with us not just me and my boyfriend but multiple people and just ditch us all. 
 I also don’t agree with the fact that everyone’s saying that he has the right to hang out with this person when that’s complete and utter bull*** if it’s disrespecting our relationship and our children.  And if he wants that life, he shouldn’t be here because I’m not gonna keep putting up with disrespect and I shouldn’t have to and I sure the hell I’m not gonna have my children growing up thinking that the way that this person talks & acts is normal. 

 

[MissCanuck]

I think you really need to reconsider this relationship. 

Regardless of whether there is something more between them, your boyfriend is behaving in dismissive and disrespectful ways towards you and your family. 

And what is up wit your boyfriend's generally poor personal hygiene? That's just gross. I wouldn't be able to tolerate being near him, let alone having sex with him. Yuck. Why doesn't he bathe more frequently? What kind of work does he do where he can get away showing up unwashed like that? 

[Spookymana]

He doesn’t get much of a bad smell aside from his ball sack area. He does t get normal body odor. Neither do I bc we eat really healthy and don’t drink sodas just water. So our sweat isn’t usually smelly. But his down there can get bleh bc we are active people. Like very active sports wise. He will use baby wipes to clean up and do sink washes instead of showering. Which is annoying to me. 

[Spookymana]

He says that he should be allowed to give this person another chance and I should be understanding of that. But I have been understanding our whole relationship and it hasn’t really changed much and then got worse when he became a heavier drinker in the last year.
my boyfriend says it’s hard to let go of a 20 year friendship. A weird thing to me is that his friend says we’ve been together for 20 years that we’ve been friends for 20 years.

and everyone around him is like oh he’s just talks like that he’s weird. It doesn’t mean anything by it.

[Morello]

Sorry to break it to you, but your partner is as gay as it gets.

But the real concern here is how dismissive he is of you. Other than couples counseling, I can’t see anything else to suggest here.

[MissCanuck]

15 minutes ago, Spookymana said:

He doesn’t get much of a bad smell aside from his ball sack area. He does t get normal body odor. Neither do I bc we eat really healthy and don’t drink sodas just water. So our sweat isn’t usually smelly. But his down there can get bleh bc we are active people. Like very active sports wise. He will use baby wipes to clean up and do sink washes instead of showering. Which is annoying to me. 

That still doesn't explain why he doesn't shower. 

[Tinydance]

6 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

That still doesn't explain why he doesn't shower. 

Yeah sorry but if he plays sport and never showers that's really gross! I'm pretty sure healthy diet isn't actually related to body odour. Everyone will get body odour if they don't shower.

[DarkCh0c0]

@Batya33 was with a gay (in denial) person for years before they broke up. Could you share some advice?

Honestly OP, your instincts are right. You need to start planning an exit. He's treating you badly. He has no hygiene, stays with said friend for 7hrs+, gaslights and belittles you, is OK with flirting behaviour even in front of you, is OK with and is engaging with anal with who knows who (so possibly cheating), mocks your needs, is a heavy drinker, is putting you and your child at risk of STDs and so forth. He does not value you. This is not what you signed up for. I'm sorry.

[Tinydance]

Can you think of any reason if your boyfriend is gay or bi why he'd want to hide it? Like, why he'd be with a woman to cover it up? I'm just trying to figure out if he's really gay or whether he just lets this friend get away with everything.

[rainbowsandroses]

29 minutes ago, Morello said:

Sorry to break it to you, but your partner is as gay as it gets.

Clearly! 

 

30 minutes ago, Morello said:

Other than couples counseling, I can’t see anything else to suggest here.

Guy is gay, no amount of couple's counseling is gonna help with that.

AND he's cheating!

OP time to wake up and smell the coffee. 

Stop harassing him about it or anything else, say goodbye to your stepkids and just get the heck out.  

Take care of you and your baby once born.

You can't fix gay and you can't fix a cheater. 

I'm sorry. 

 

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Guy is gay, no amount of couple's counseling is gonna help with that.

AND he's cheating!

I tend to agree with this. 

Whether gay or bi, counselling isn't going to change it (nor should it) OP, you have a big decision to make.  

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Like, why he'd be with a woman to cover it up?

It's not uncommon for a man to want to cover it by getting with a woman.  

I've heard of men hiding it for years!  They got married, had kids etc.  And come out later in life. 

There are many reasons why - society, the stigma, many men feel shame, just to name a few. 

 

[Spookymana]

healthy diet does help you not have no there’s science behind it. 
Why he’s doesn’t shower much is beyond me. 

[MissCanuck]

Just now, Spookymana said:

Why he’s doesn’t shower much is beyond me. 

You have never asked him?

I would be demanding it, personally. Unpleasant smell aside, it's poor hygiene and leaves him (and by extension, you and your kids) more vulnerable to infections and illness. 

 

[Spookymana]

I don’t know where you got the idea that they’re my step kids because that’s not the case at all. All three children are my biological children.  
And another scary thing is if he’s going to continue hanging out with this person, and then he gets visitation with his child he’s gonna have that person around my ***ing child something that we agreed to not have because of the toxicity. Which is honestly beyond infuriating.