Reconnected with a girl after 20 years

[ShySoul]

Floatingaround,

I was once interested in someone who said she wasn't interested in a relationship with me, despite saying she liked me and us having lots in common and a great time whenever we talked or spent time together. I respected her decision but still kept in touch with her as usual. We were still friends and still got along great. 

Slowly she opened herself to seeing me as an option again. She was interested in more, she just needed the time and space to work out what it was that she really wanted. In being her friend and not pressuring or expecting anything else, it showed that she could trust me and gave her the chance to see that things could work out.

If I had just stopped being friends and cut her out of my life to look for the next date, I would have missed out on many happy moments and a wonderful first kiss.

Take her at her word that she isn't wanting anything serious right now. Don't expect anything out of this. But if you still want to be friends, then be friends. If you still want to stay in touch, stay in touch. Just because a date doesn't lead to a romantic relationship, doesn't mean you have to forget about them entirely. Sometimes the missed connections can become great friends or even resources to find other things down the road.

[Andrina]

5 hours ago, ShySoul said:

If I had just stopped being friends and cut her out of my life to look for the next date, I would have missed out on many happy moments and a wonderful first kiss.

This mode of operation, embracing people waving yellow and red flags, results in connections that fizzle fast. I'd rather have one or two long term quality relationships in a lifetime than 20 short-lived bits of happiness. I see this process of non-vetting as more of missing out on a keeper who walks by without you noticing because you're busy with a person who was never that into you from the get-go. Plus having a quality person walk away when they find out you're hanging out with a person you spent all day in bed with and wanted more from if that person hadn't put on the brakes.

[SophiaG]

I don't necessarily see harm in maintaining a friendship if you can manage your expectations. Otherwise just let her know you would love to date her and can't be just friends and she can reach out to you if her circumstances change.

[ShySoul]

5 hours ago, Andrina said:

This mode of operation, embracing people waving yellow and red flags, results in connections that fizzle fast. I'd rather have one or two long term quality relationships in a lifetime than 20 short-lived bits of happiness. I see this process of non-vetting as more of missing out on a keeper who walks by without you noticing because you're busy with a person who was never that into you from the get-go.

Except that's not at all when I've said.

I'm saying to follow your heart and do what you feel is right for you. If you still have feelings for someone, you can't just dismiss them. It's not so easy to say move on and find someone else. If you try, you can find yourself not ready to invest in someone else, find that you're heart really isn't in it. So you miss out on things anyway, but now have the added stress and pressure of trying to make yourself do something you don't really want to do just because you think you should. It doesn't work.

Relationships shouldn't be about vetting anyway. It should be about embracing the moment. It's accepting people for who they are and respecting them as a unique individual, not comparing them to a checklist. The attitude of try people out and if they don't want a relationship, forget them and try the next one on, is rather limiting to the wide range of possibilities out there and can cause you to miss out on all levels of friendships/relationships with people.

I've always believed in staying open to anyone, in keeping a door open for friendship. And it hasn't lead to 20 short bits of happiness. On the contrary, it's lead to a lifelong friendship that I am grateful every day for. And what's wrong with a short bit of happiness? It still means you are happy.

Follow your heart. Do what is right for you. Finding your happiness is what is most important.

[Floatingaround]

5 hours ago, Andrina said:

This mode of operation, embracing people waving yellow and red flags, results in connections that fizzle fast. I'd rather have one or two long term quality relationships in a lifetime than 20 short-lived bits of happiness. I see this process of non-vetting as more of missing out on a keeper who walks by without you noticing because you're busy with a person who was never that into you from the get-go. Plus having a quality person walk away when they find out you're hanging out with a person you spent all day in bed with and wanted more from if that person hadn't put on the brakes.

Just to be clear, I don't have many options going at the moment. I was ***ing the kids mother until recently.

 

Honestly the more I reflect on the comments she made, I really don't have an issue with her being seeing selfish , she deserves it. I don't mind that she hooks up with other guys, if I looked that good I would too.

 

So I don't have an issue being her friend and seeing the energy she gives and go off that.

 

 

[Floatingaround]

6 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Except that's not at all when I've said.

I'm saying to follow your heart and do what you feel is right for you. If you still have feelings for someone, you can't just dismiss them. It's not so easy to say move on and find someone else. If you try, you can find yourself not ready to invest in someone else, find that you're heart really isn't in it. So you miss out on things anyway, but now have the added stress and pressure of trying to make yourself do something you don't really want to do just because you think you should. It doesn't work.

Relationships shouldn't be about vetting anyway. It should be about embracing the moment. It's accepting people for who they are and respecting them as a unique individual, not comparing them to a checklist. The attitude of try people out and if they don't want a relationship, forget them and try the next one on, is rather limiting to the wide range of possibilities out there and can cause you to miss out on all levels of friendships/relationships with people.

I've always believed in staying open to anyone, in keeping a door open for friendship. And it hasn't lead to 20 short bits of happiness. On the contrary, it's lead to a lifelong friendship that I am grateful every day for. And what's wrong with a short bit of happiness? It still means you are happy.

Follow your heart. Do what is right for you. Finding your happiness is what is most important.

Love this. So well spoken

[Floatingaround]

11 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Floatingaround,

I was once interested in someone who said she wasn't interested in a relationship with me, despite saying she liked me and us having lots in common and a great time whenever we talked or spent time together. I respected her decision but still kept in touch with her as usual. We were still friends and still got along great. 

Slowly she opened herself to seeing me as an option again. She was interested in more, she just needed the time and space to work out what it was that she really wanted. In being her friend and not pressuring or expecting anything else, it showed that she could trust me and gave her the chance to see that things could work out.

If I had just stopped being friends and cut her out of my life to look for the next date, I would have missed out on many happy moments and a wonderful first kiss.

Take her at her word that she isn't wanting anything serious right now. Don't expect anything out of this. But if you still want to be friends, then be friends. If you still want to stay in touch, stay in touch. Just because a date doesn't lead to a romantic relationship, doesn't mean you have to forget about them entirely. Sometimes the missed connections can become great friends or even resources to find other things down the road.

Again 🙌

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, Floatingaround said:

Honestly the more I reflect on the comments she made, I really don't have an issue with her being seeing selfish , she deserves it. I don't mind that she hooks up with other guys, if I looked that good I would too.

So I don't have an issue being her friend and seeing the energy she gives and go off that.

If that is where she is at in her life, then you won't change it. Respect it and enjoy what you can get.

I like the honesty coming from both of you. Neither side did anything wrong, it's just a case of timing not allowing it to go further. You handled it well and at least have a good memory to look back upon. Hopefully you can continue to know her and have other fun times as well, even if only as friends.