Reconnected with a girl after 20 years

[Floatingaround]

Recently caught up with a girl i went to primary school with 20 years ago. I seem her on a dating app and sent her a message. she 33 im 32. She has 2 kids i have 3 kids.

We chatted for a few days caught up abit through chat. She seemed not that interested in starting convosation, I was moving during the time and going through hard personal things in life so we didn't chat for a month.

Last week I ended up messaging her and we ended up organising to go kayak 7am in the morning and I would drive to hers. 

Anyway after kayaking we started to drink ciders at her,  got into deep convosations, listened to music all arvo we had great chemistry and banter.

We eventually drank more and she started kissing me coming on very strong. It was a nice surprise.

We went to bed had sex over 6 hours,  cuddled,  fell asleep. The way she treated me was like we were in a relationship. It was so sensual and intense hand holding, something I hadn't been used to, but I guess she is.. woke up a few hour later and ***ed until 11am the next day again.

She asked how many partners I'd been with. I told her 7 or 8, her reply was "so are you scared your going to fall in love with me" jokingly and I replied "what do you mean, I am already in love with you" also jokingly.. we laughed.

She had a game of soccer to play that afternoon, I went and watched her, really wanted to show her I didn't just come over to see her to use her for sex.

Yesterday I messaged her the next day told her I had a fun time and think she's a great person, and that if she would be interested in being in a "friends with benefits" type deal which looking back now I really wish I had rephrased.

This was her response...  " 
No I don’t regret it, it was fun.
But I’ve never been great at friends with benefits because I think the line just gets too confusing.
So for me the less complicated situation would be friends and I think we could both do with another friend.
Does that make sense?... "

I feel I should have just said to her "we should hang out more often its fun" so now I am a little confused.

In an earlier message she said she didn't want become attached to someone but would still want to go kayaking etc.

What are peoples thoughts? 

 

Thanks

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, Floatingaround said:

n an earlier message she said she didn't want become attached to someone but would still want to go kayaking etc.

I took this as she doesn't want to date right now but was willing to go to an activity. Strange that she said she doesn't want to become attached but then after sex, mentioned the falling in love. She's all over the map.

 

1 hour ago, Floatingaround said:

and that if she would be interested in being in a "friends with benefits" type deal

Why did you say this?  Because you figured that's what she wanted and you would settle for that instead of dating, or is it because you don't want to date and only want intimacy?

You two seem to be very unclear on what each of your dating/relationship/merely hanging out/ goals are. Hard to have a relationship if you have opposite or unclear dating/relationship goals. It's like trying to nail Jello to a wall.

 

[Capricorn3]

14 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I took this as she doesn't want to date right now but was willing to go to an activity. Strange that she said she doesn't want to become attached but then after sex, mentioned the falling in love. She's all over the map.

Why did you say this?  Because you figured that's what she wanted and you would settle for that instead of dating, or is it because you don't want to date and only want intimacy?

You two seem to be very unclear on what each of your dating/relationship/merely hanging out/ goals are. Hard to have a relationship if you have opposite or unclear dating/relationship goals. It's like trying to nail Jello to a wall.

^ I second this post in its entirety.

[yogacat]

She commented on falling in love with her because she probably sensed you were smitten with her and was teasing you. Her response about not wanting to complicate things by being friends with benefits makes perfect sense. I have a feeling that if you hang out again, she will make the first move and boom. From friends to lovers. 

As others have said, she's a bit all over the map. Here's why: as a single parent of two kids, she probably does want to have a little sex and she obviously finds you attractive, yet she understands that a FWB situation probably isn't what's best or right for her. Likely, her kids take up a lot of her time, so it's possible that aside from having sex with you, it's easier to NOT be more involved right now than it is to put in time somewhere else. 

You kind of proposed friends with benefits but you want more. She responded that she wasn’t good at FWB and was looking for a friend. That’s fine as long as you don’t mind if she doesn’t develop feelings. If the question is, can you be friends with a girl you’ve had sex with without developing feelings? Sure. If you think you can act like her friend and still end up dating her, probably not.

[Floatingaround]

3 hours ago, Andrina said:

I took this as she doesn't want to date right now but was willing to go to an activity. Strange that she said she doesn't want to become attached but then after sex, mentioned the falling in love. She's all over the map.

 

Why did you say this?  Because you figured that's what she wanted and you would settle for that instead of dating, or is it because you don't want to date and only want intimacy?

You two seem to be very unclear on what each of your dating/relationship/merely hanging out/ goals are. Hard to have a relationship if you have opposite or unclear dating/relationship goals. It's like trying to nail Jello to a wall.

 

I should have rephrased the whole thing and just kept it short, said I had fun with her think she's a great person and would be keen to hang out again. 

I don't know, obviously I can only convey so much through typing. But she was treating me like a king, it wasn't just a ***.. kissing my neck and ears all over me like I was bag of meth or something.. I wonder how common this is for some girls? do you spend 12 hours in bed spending the whole time being intimate and not be pretty invested...

 

I'm waiting for her to let me know when she has time to go kayaking again. For now im not going to ask her anymore questions.

 

Appreciate the responses guys. 

[ShySoul]

She got swept in the moment with a person that she could see herself with. She let herself go to enjoy an experience that she had probably been missing and wishing to have for a long time. But afterwards she realized all the complications that go with that. At this point in time she isn't ready for a full commitment. Being sex partners will just lead to more feelings and is likely to cause problems with at least one of you being hurt. So she was honest and said that it should remain as friends.

I would not be surprised if in time she starts to want more. But don't do anything unless both of you are fully prepared for what crossing that line again means. Don't try to be more or expect more unless and until you are both fully ready for it.

[shouldhavelearned]

Take your time and date

Have those conversations in person

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, Floatingaround said:

I wonder how common this is for some girls? do you spend 12 hours in bed spending the whole time being intimate and not be pretty invested...

Sure, it's possible. Why wouldn't it be? 

14 hours ago, Floatingaround said:

I messaged her the next day told her I had a fun time and think she's a great person, and that if she would be interested in being in a "friends with benefits" type deal

Do you want to actually date her? If so, this was the wrong thing to say. Maybe she too would like to explore something, but then you turned around and offered FWB. I would assume you didn't want anything more if you had told me that. 

[TeeDee]

You are right that request in that medium (over text) was horrid.  I would stop speaking to you all together after that. 

Why do you only want FWB?  Why don't you want to date her properly?  If the answer is you can't handle commitment just now, fine but don't tell her that. 

If you want to try to fix this, apologize for your insulting word choice & ask her on a proper date -- dinner etc.  Pick her up.  Take her out.  Romance her.  Take her home but do not go into her house / bed.  You will need to show her that you want more than to use her for casual sex.  

While she was DTF she probably knows that she falls in love when she has sex so she knows she shouldn't have casual sex because she gets hurt.  You kind of confirmed her worst fears. 

[tattoobunnie]

I would have not sent those texts, but little too late.  Just KISS It (Keep it simple, stupid).  Instead of texting something way too involved, just text, "wanna grab coffee?"  "Wanna check out this new place for dinner?"  "You free for kayaking on this day?"

Asking something to be FWB by text should be avoided.  Why are you rushing too to be steady F-buddies?

[smackie9]

I would say she's not very steady with relationships for whatever reason. Hoping/staying/chasing is going to be a painful journey of her pushing you back all the time, not wanting to commit or go any further. The cryptic message in her text is a dead give away. She communicates poorly because she can't get her thoughts straight.

[Floatingaround]

4 hours ago, TeeDee said:

You are right that request in that medium (over text) was horrid.  I would stop speaking to you all together after that. 

Why do you only want FWB?  Why don't you want to date her properly?  If the answer is you can't handle commitment just now, fine but don't tell her that. 

If you want to try to fix this, apologize for your insulting word choice & ask her on a proper date -- dinner etc.  Pick her up.  Take her out.  Romance her.  Take her home but do not go into her house / bed.  You will need to show her that you want more than to use her for casual sex.  

While she was DTF she probably knows that she falls in love when she has sex so she knows she shouldn't have casual sex because she gets hurt.  You kind of confirmed her worst fears. 

To be honest, I didn't want to come on to eager. I have asked girls this before which they were down for which then lead to long relationships.

 

I do want to date her, my wording was atrocious for the this particular situation. But I also genuinely believe she isn't looking for a partner right now. I know she has casual sex with other guys including her kids father. 

 

I remember she said early in the day that once she finds 1 guy who interests her, that is the only *** she needs. 

 

Now I am actually even more confused, and wonder if it would be worse and even more cringe to explain the FWB comment and rephraze the whole thing again. Or, next time we hang out and if we are intimate again explain myself properly again.

[Floatingaround]

I also believe, she is generally worried about leading me on and hurting my feelings. As she said "she wants to focus on herself and nobody else "

[Floatingaround]

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Sure, it's possible. Why wouldn't it be? 

Do you want to actually date her? If so, this was the wrong thing to say. Maybe she too would like to explore something, but then you turned around and offered FWB. I would assume you didn't want anything more if you had told me that. 

Again, I really liked her, do want to date, but didn't want to come on too strong and scare her off. I have allt to learn obviously.

Do you guys think I should rephraze what I said, or wait until we hang out again and do it ?Because it might be another week or 2 until I see her, I relise I want to make my intentions clear to hear that I do want to take her out to dates, and I don't want to expect sex to be the main out come but to build a connection and see what happens after a few dates.?

[tattoobunnie]

Don't send anything.  You've hung out once.  Do not put all your eggs into one basket, meaning, you don't know her. Slow down.  Get to know her before trying to title it.  It doesn't matter if it was your go to move in the past - you aren't with those people anymore.  Just take your time. It doesn't matter if you had a ton of sex the first time around.  Let her reach out to you next, and enough with the status updates - just mirror her contact volume.

[DarkCh0c0]

23 hours ago, Floatingaround said:

Yesterday I messaged her the next day told her I had a fun time and think she's a great person, and that if she would be interested in being in a "friends with benefits" type deal which looking back now I really wish I had rephrased.

YIKES.

It's going to be really hard to go back from this.

Maybe you both didn't envision such chemistry, but it was a pleasant surprise. Why demote this to fwb?

I agree with other posters though. You guys are intense and a bit all over the place.

2 hours ago, Floatingaround said:

Again, I really liked her, do want to date, but didn't want to come on too strong and scare her off. I have allt to learn obviously.

So you suggest a fwb situationship instead of dating her and taking things slowly?! 

2 hours ago, Floatingaround said:

, I relise I want to make my intentions clear to hear that I do want to take her out to dates, and I don't want to expect sex to be the main out come but to build a connection and see what happens after a few dates

But you said you wanted fwb, not dates. Fwbs don't go on dates.

I think it's best to do this over a call asap, or f2f even better if you want to correct this. But think this through because you'd be making this messy if you change your mind again.

[Floatingaround]

Appreciate the responses.

I do reciprocate her energy and I. not over the top in convosations.

 

I want to get to know her to see where thing go ultimately, my heads been over the place.

I'll wait until she messages me again and then ask her if she's interested in going out to dinner.

[Darlington]

Just be clear with her. Tell her your words came out wrong and that you're interested in dating her. Ask her how she feel about it and take her answer for it. If she is in fact only focusing on herself and says this again, you'll have your answer and be free to move on. If she says yes, she want to explore things with you then great. Be up front and honest. It will save you a whole lot of time and stress. 

[Floatingaround]

I sent her this 

Hey, I wanted to rephraze and make it clear Ive realized that I didn’t express myself the way I intended by using the term "FWB". Id truly like to reconnect, not just on a surface level. I’m sorry if I gave the wrong impression. I’d really like to take the time to get to know you better and see where this goes... Id really like to take you out to dinner some time if you are interested.  Have a nice weekend 🙂

 

Her response -

 

"Hey, that’s so flattering and nice.
It’s nothing against you as a person.
I’m just not open to being anything more than just friends with anyone atm.
I want to be selfish with my time and energy and not have to offer that to anyone other than the kids."

[MissCanuck]

Props to you for trying, OP. 

At least now you know that she isn't offering anything more than friendship. It was best to have cleared that up so you can look elsewhere and not be left wondering about this woman. 

[Floatingaround]

Thanks guys appreciate everyone's input. 

[Andrina]

I'd not pursue a friendship with her. Hanging out with her will make your dating pool far smaller because most dating prospects you have won't want to date you when they find out you're buddies with someone you had sex with.

Also, once she does decide to date, it won't be with you and she will likely place you on the back burner or totally shove you off the stove. Save yourself the grief.

As long as you're not going too fast when it comes to dating, you won't be scaring off anybody who is as much into you as you are into her. Your interest will be shown by when you keep asking out a woman and making an effort to get to know her. No need to put a label on things so early on. Don't pretend to want things or that you don't want things which isn't being genuine. Nobody can fall for someone pretending to be someone they are not.

Also after the third date of you asking a woman out, sit back and see if she begins putting in an equal effort and asks you out. You're worthy of someone who does so. And you're worthy of dating someone who has the same dating/relationship goals as you. Don't settle. Good luck.

[Floatingaround]

42 minutes ago, Andrina said:

 

Also, once she does decide to date, it won't be with you and she will likely place you on the back burner or totally shove you off the stove. Save yourself the grief.

 

can you further elaborate why you believe this?

42 minutes ago, Andrina said:

 

 

[Andrina]

Just by your question, I'm going to guess you will gladly try to be friends with her in hopes she will eventually fall in love. If so, that's always a horrible plan as two people with opposite relationship goals will end in one person wasting their time on nowhere land while letting golden opportunities pass them by in the dating world.

If she saw you, on the first meet, as a potential partner when she was finally ready to date in the far future, she wouldn't have muddled things with a one night stand. She was also trying to turn you off to falling for her by bringing up that she still boinks her ex amongst doing it with a variety of men. I don't know you, but am surprised by anybody who is still drawn to someone who reveals that sort of info. If a guy said the same to me I'd curl my lip in disgust and he'd never hear from me again.

[Floatingaround]

Good response, appreciate it. Your completely right.