Advice on ex-partner getting back in touch

[r123ok]

I was with my (now ex) partner for around 2 years until we had an argument a couple of months ago and they started to ignore or 'ghost' me with no real explanation. I hadn't been taking it very well because I was very much in love with him and we were getting on very well until that point. I've felt quite depressed and lonely since.

I had given up hope of ever hearing from them again but last week, out of the blue he got back in touch and said he was wondering how I was and whether I wanted to meet up for the evening. I was pretty lonely & depressed still not having got over it properly and said yes - went over and it was as if nothing had changed. We had a lovely time and I felt so happy and relaxed for the first time in months.

I asked if he would want to perhaps meet again soon, and he said he would like to, but "just as friends for now". This was last Thursday and I haven't heard anything since.

I am so happy to have him back in my life, but looking for some advice really on what to do next. I would like to meet up with him again possibly at the weekend, but don't know if he is interested in that way. The "for now" suggests he would like to pick things up again relationship-wise at some point - but do I send him a message, or wait for him to message me? I don't want to appear clingy or overbearing but also can't stop thinking about him and the good times we've shared.

[smackie9]

First off you are going down a bad road here. You are rewarding him with affection for stonewalling you for months ....like your desperation is letting him off the hook. Snap out of it! This isn't some wonderful reconnect. This is abuse on your emotions. You get to the bottom of this with communication and get proper answers from him. If he's gonna play games and withhold a relationship to control you...best be kicking this man to the curb.

[Cherylyn]

The "friends for now" offer is no deal.  He'll only hurt you repeatedly.  Both of you broke up for a reason.  No sense revisiting old wounds all over again.  It will be awkward and uncomfortable for you.  This set up is weird. 

Like you,  I remember good times, too.  However,  it's actually good to remember bad times and it's those bad memories which remind you that the bad could very well happen should you allow him back into your life. 

Never remain in standby mode at a person's whim and convenience.  Respect yourself.

[Batya33]

Friends talk about who they are dating and would like to date -would that be ok with you as "friends" with him? I agree with the others. Stay away.

[MissCanuck]

Girl. No. NO. 

Don't do this to yourself. This is going to end with more pain for you.

4 hours ago, r123ok said:

The "for now" suggests he would like to pick things up again relationship-wise at some point

Not necessarily, no. It just as easily suggests he wants to keep you on the backburner and maybe jettison you again when he meets someome else, only he can do it "gulit-free" because he warned you that you are just friends. 

4 hours ago, r123ok said:

we had an argument a couple of months ago

What was this argument about? Did you two even discuss any of that when you met up the other night? Or he just wanted pretend it never happened?

[rainbowsandroses]

5 hours ago, r123ok said:

I was with my (now ex) partner for around 2 years until we had an argument a couple of months ago and they started to ignore or 'ghost' me with no real explanation.

 Girl .....NO!!!  

Referencing your previous, I thought you were going to work on becoming independent and raising your self-esteem?  

This has nothing to do with him wanting to be "friends."  My guess is he was bored, in a dry spell and/or needed an ego boost and you certainly gave that to him, didn't you. 

5 hours ago, r123ok said:

I asked if he would want to perhaps meet again soon, and he said he would like to, but "just as friends for now". This was last Thursday and I haven't heard anything since.

^^Course you haven't.

He got what he needed (an ego boost and validation that you still want him) and jmo but I doubt you will be hearing from him again. 

Please do NOT message him again.  Think more highly of yourself and raise your standards.  

I would advise you to block and delete and take steps to move on and heal. 

I'm sorry.  

 

 

 

[TeeDee]

You are debasing yourself here.  He was bored & reached out because he knew you would be right there anxious to get back together & accepting of whatever crumbs he offered. 

You need to let go of this & figure out why your self esteem is so poor that you would let him treat you like this & come running back for more.  

[Cherylyn]

Don't be at his disposal otherwise you'll be sorry.  👎  ☹️

[Andrina]

Let me guess. You two were intimate with the get together. If so, that's even more of sign how heartless he is. He doesn't care about how contacting you and especially being intimate with you is setting you far back in your closure. And giving you false hope.

After a full two years, you think ghosting is an ethical way to end things? Yet another sign he's not a decent human being. But you've been too close to the situation to see things clearly, like not seeing the forest for the trees.

Do you really think a person willing to end things after 2 years truly cares? He knows this will likely spell forever and he was okay with that. A person who cares will ask his partner to work on whatever issues exist. That is, unless it's a dealbreaker like cheating or substance abuse, etc.

Take the upper hand and block him. You deserve better and hopefully with time and distance away from him, you'll realize this.

[shouldhavelearned]

Like others said

Stay away and no contact 

[afatalistdawn]

This is just my two cents, as someone who has gone through something similar.

It sounds like this guy is trying to have his cake and eat it too. By staying "friends" he gets to keep you at arm's length while still having access to you. Trust your gut and tread carefully, because if/when this guy disappears again, you will be in twice as much pain as before.

Also, consider reframing the idea that you "have" him in your life. You don't have him. Until recently, you weren't sure you would ever hear from him again. What happens if you get into another argument or hit a different rough patch? Is he going to run away again? What's stopping him, considering he did it before and you took him back? On the contrary, it sounds like he "has" you, and he might not even want you, but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either.

There's an old fable about a dog in the manger: A Dog asleep in a manger filled with hay, was awakened by the Cattle, which came in tired and hungry from working in the field. But the Dog would not let them get near the manger, and snarled and snapped as if it were filled with the best of meat and bones, all for himself.

The Cattle looked at the Dog in disgust. "How selfish he is!" said one. "He cannot eat the hay and yet he will not let us eat it who are so hungry for it!"