Leaving text messages unread for days

[ShySoul]

On 9/10/2024 at 7:28 PM, ShySoul said:

Sounds like she isn't stringing you along, she is simply busy.

So I'm thinking moving would qualify as being busy. At least any move that I've done has been a major headache that would be a distraction from seeing someone I've barely got to know. 

Also, I was without a phone for a bit when I had to switch to a "smart" phone. Having a phone stolen is a hassle, especially given how much people store on it these days. So that seems like another good reason she was busy.

You can see these as excuses and use it to cut a person out of your life. You can make assumptions about what she was doing and think she is lying. Or you can take her at her word and talk to her. What harm comes from talking? Why would it be so difficult to believe life got in the way but now she wants to pick things back up? She didn't have to contact you again. But she did. And she said she was sorry for not talking sooner. Do you want to hold the past against someone? Or do you want to move on and see what could happen?

 

[Morello]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

So I'm thinking moving would qualify as being busy. At least any move that I've done has been a major headache that would be a distraction from seeing someone I've barely got to know. 

Also, I was without a phone for a bit when I had to switch to a "smart" phone. Having a phone stolen is a hassle, especially given how much people store on it these days. So that seems like another good reason she was busy.

You can see these as excuses and use it to cut a person out of your life. You can make assumptions about what she was doing and think she is lying. Or you can take her at her word and talk to her. What harm comes from talking? Why would it be so difficult to believe life got in the way but now she wants to pick things back up? She didn't have to contact you again. But she did. And she said she was sorry for not talking sooner. Do you want to hold the past against someone? Or do you want to move on and see what could happen?

 

Another shocking piece of advice. Good grief, Shy Soul...

"sorry had a bit of a rollercoaster these last few weeks ….my phone got aggressively stolen and moved to a new place. Hope you are doing well”

This is such a classic example of people messaging years later just to alleviate their guilt of not responding when they should have. No interest on her part in this message. Zero. Nada. No mention of a meeting or anything else. The "hope you are doing well" was a kiss of death. It was almost "take care", as in, "we probably won't be in touch from here on so, have a good life! Please don't think I'm a bad person!".

The best (or worst) case scenario here would be, like others said, her first option didn't work, and now she's trying to keep you in her orbit. No other advice here other than block and move on.

 

 

[ShySoul]

10 minutes ago, Morello said:

Another shocking piece of advice. Good grief, Shy Soul...

"sorry had a bit of a rollercoaster these last few weeks ….my phone got aggressively stolen and moved to a new place. Hope you are doing well”

This is such a classic example of people messaging years later just to alleviate their guilt of not responding when they should have. No interest on her part in this message. Zero. Nada. No mention of a meeting or anything else. The "hope you are doing well" was a kiss of death. It was almost "take care", as in, "we probably won't be in touch from here on so, have a good life! Please don't think I'm a bad person!".

The best (or worst) case scenario here would be, like others said, her first option didn't work, and now she's trying to keep you in her orbit. No other advice here other than block and move on.

🤣🤣🤣 Oh, good one. Had to catch my breath for a minute there. 

You might be right. Or maybe not.

Only one person on this thread has actually spoken with her, and he hasn't done so in a month. None of us knows what she has been doing. None of us know why she messaged him. All we can do is speculate. Everything is our opinion based on our feelings about people. 

I find the assumption that she was dating around and that he has been reglated to second chance as a very cynical view of the world and of people in general.  There is no basis for it either. If she didn't say anything about meeting him, she also didn't saying anything about meeting other people. 

Why the need to read into things? Why make up reasons and motivations that may or may not be true? Isn't it possible that someone did have things happen and wasn't able to get in touch?

I lost touch with a friend I had made on this site once for a month. She had simply got busy and taken time away from the site. She thought she had sent me an email but it didn't go through. I could have assumed that she was playing games with me and stopped talking to her. And I would have lost a good friend over a silly misunderstanding. Instead we reconnecting and kept the friendship going.

I hope you are well isn't a brush off. Neither is take care. It could honestly be an attempt to wish a person well or telling them to take care of themselves. I end most conversations with some version of take care - be it talking to family, co-workers, or a love interest. And I have every intention of talking to them again. I say it becase I really do want them to be safe and take care of themselves.

Maybe she isn't interested romantically. Maybe it's just an attempt to reach out to another person and stay in contact. Regardless, why be the person who ignores or dismisses someone? Why be so cold to people? Why not stay civil and polite and write back? Why not see if anything can happen - whatever it turns to be? He got upset by her not responding to him. So what sense does it make to do the same thing back to her?

I'll I'm saying is don't give up on something without trying. If a person reaches out and opens the door for you, step inside instead of slamming that door in their face.

 

[yogacat]

I think you can keep in touch as a friend (if you can) but I wouldn't date her... People are so tied to their smart phones, that she waited a month to get a new one is suss. I hate to not look on the bright side here but that excuse sounds, like, well... a load of toads.

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, yogacat said:

I think you can keep in touch as a friend (if you can) but I wouldn't date her... People are so tied to their smart phones, that she waited a month to get a new one is suss. I hate to not look on the bright side here but that excuse sounds, like, well... a load of toads.

But also there are other ways to get in touch with someone than a smart phone.  If someone really cares.  I'd get a new one ASAP because it's an integral part of my work life -dual authentication, work calls, etc and my workouts as I now listen to podcasts while I work out.  

I've found that people who genuinely cannot keep up a friendship or in touch or in touch at the prior level are honest about it.  I have a friend I haven't seen in years and two years ago we made plans and she cancelled (this wasn't the first time) as she'd been up all night editing a book for her publisher (very very true) and she was willing to meet but I told her no get some rest. 

She went MIA for almost a year until my FB bday - we chatted and we confirmed -look - life is too busy especially for her so let's keep in touch when we can and if it so happens we're free last minute to do coffee or lunch we'll be in touch - I think she was relieved not to have to make a specific plan with me and it felt very -genuine.  That to me is how humans treat other humans when they care -even if the end result is - look I can't keep up this friendship right now. 

[AuthenticSelf]

On 10/3/2024 at 7:36 AM, jazz_lover said:

Received a text out of the blue from her saying “sorry had a bit of a rollercoaster these last few weeks ….my phone got aggressively stolen and moved to a new place. Hope you are doing well”

 

Too be honest, I don't see any point to have the conversation going. It is like she is making you to put up some topics or suggest something. 

I would say if she has something like "how have you been?" or something along the line of "how are you?" or "what are you up to?", at least we can see some effort. 

If this is WhatsApp, give a thumb up reaction on the message so she knew you read it and just let it go. I would not even type anything back. If she wants to talk to you, she will send the second message asking for something to continue the conversation. Otherwise, everything is quite. 

[yogacat]

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

But also there are other ways to get in touch with someone than a smart phone.  If someone really cares.  I'd get a new one ASAP because it's an integral part of my work life -dual authentication, work calls, etc and my workouts as I now listen to podcasts while I work out.  

I've found that people who genuinely cannot keep up a friendship or in touch or in touch at the prior level are honest about it.  I have a friend I haven't seen in years and two years ago we made plans and she cancelled (this wasn't the first time) as she'd been up all night editing a book for her publisher (very very true) and she was willing to meet but I told her no get some rest. 

She went MIA for almost a year until my FB bday - we chatted and we confirmed -look - life is too busy especially for her so let's keep in touch when we can and if it so happens we're free last minute to do coffee or lunch we'll be in touch - I think she was relieved not to have to make a specific plan with me and it felt very -genuine.  That to me is how humans treat other humans when they care -even if the end result is - look I can't keep up this friendship right now. 

Indeed. She could have messaged him on the app that would clarify that she is not interested but wishes him well or something along those lines. Unless she's thinking she's just going to throw out a line and see if he bites back.

Back in the day when I went on dates with men I was not interested in afterwards, I would not respond if they reached out because I felt no response sent a clear message. I wouldn't continue to reach out to them afterwards. I don't like being in a dating situation where I don't like the man and he's still in my peripheral vision.

Also at one point I disliked confrontation. Now I make it a point to say after the date (if there's no further interest on my part) that I was not interested in anything further but wished them well or said it was nice meeting them. Something so they won't be left wondering.

[ShySoul]

Maybe she realized it had been a month and didn't know if you would even accept a message from her, if you would react precisely like everyone else around here is reacting? Maybe this was her version of an acknowledgment of her actions and a tentative step to trying to repair things, trying to see how you would respond? 

Do you want to be the person who returns a wrong (assuming it was wrong and not an innocent error) with another wrong? Do you want to ignore a person? Especially knowing how hurt you felt by that act? Or do you want to be able to say you rose about that?

Just say "Hi. Hope you are well." Short, polite, simple. No harm done. Don't expect anything else. If she responds, go from there. 

5 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Indeed. She could have messaged him on the app that would clarify that she is not interested but wishes him well or something along those lines.

Which app? Going through the post I didn't see any app mentioned, though I might have missed it. All I see are texts and she never seemed comfortable or very good using those. I also saw how she was a recent graduate busy with work and networking. She seemed to have a lot on her plate and a move might have been too many things to juggle, so something fell aside. But she was very interested when they were in person. 

 

 

[yogacat]

25 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Which app? Going through the post I didn't see any app mentioned, though I might have missed it. All I see are texts and she never seemed comfortable or very good using those. I also saw how she was a recent graduate busy with work and networking. She seemed to have a lot on her plate and a move might have been too many things to juggle, so something fell aside. But she was very interested when they were in person. 

I thought it was mentioned somewhere that they met via online dating. I could be wrong though. I was willing to give her the BOTD but after he asked her out, she hasn't made any inference to going out again Shy, especially considering the "hope you're well" so reaching out to her further would be futile at this point.

[jazz_lover]

Yeah. I think I've just lost enthusiasm really.

Perhaps she is genuinely overwhelmed with life. Perhaps she is just incredibly scatty. Perhaps she just has other priorities at the moment. 

But it still means that she is undatable and I do not see how you can build a romantic connection with someone if they do not have the willingness or the ability to meet on a regular basis and keep in touch between meets. 

Perhaps if I was persistent and make all the running I might be able to pin her down to another date. But even if she has a nice time if the factors above are still operative or if her interest in me is lukewarm then it will quickly fizzle out again and I will just end up wasting time and money.

Plus I have been on a few dates recently with other women. And I am not having any of these issues. They respond promptly to texts and make an effort to continue the conversation. When I ask them out they either say yes or suggest an alternative day. And these women have far more demanding jobs than the women I wrote this post about and also have very busy social lives. Of course they are a bit older and more mature and dating is probably more of a priority for them. But those are all relevant factors. And I kind of feel that with the girl in the original post a guy would only have a chance if she was super into him off the bat. Whereas these other women are at least willing to make an effort to see how things develop. 

 

[Kwothe28]

4 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

But it still means that she is undatable and I do not see how you can build a romantic connection with someone if they do not have the willingness or the ability to meet on a regular basis and keep in touch between meets. 

Undatable for you. For some other man she maybe is willing to do that steps. That is what you need to separate. If you dont see the other person making an effort, than you dont need to make the one as well and move on. 

6 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

Plus I have been on a few dates recently with other women. And I am not having any of these issues. They respond promptly to texts and make an effort to continue the conversation. When I ask them out they either say yes or suggest an alternative day.

See? That is great to hear and you should redirect your efforts to those women.

6 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

And these women have far more demanding jobs than the women I wrote this post about and also have very busy social lives. Of course they are a bit older and more mature and dating is probably more of a priority for them. But those are all relevant factors.

From my experience, I dont think its the age issue. Just willingless to meet you in timely maner. The woman from first post doesnt have that. All those other women do. And that is good for you. Recognize that as a sign of interest to date you and date those women instead.

[Batya33]

16 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Undatable for you. For some other man she maybe is willing to do that steps. That is what you need to separate. If you dont see the other person making an effort, than you dont need to make the one as well and move on. 

See? That is great to hear and you should redirect your efforts to those women.

From my experience, I dont think its the age issue. Just willingless to meet you in timely maner. The woman from first post doesnt have that. All those other women do. And that is good for you. Recognize that as a sign of interest to date you and date those women instead.

Agree with all and I really liked your post, Jazzlover including the scatty reference which I just now realized is jazz-related -well done!! I also don't think age is a factor. Started dating as a young teen -landlines only no answering machines either and we all followed up on dates and plans when we were motivated. Or it was "mom tell Bugsby I'm not home/in the shower/he actually met my twin last week not me".  I've written elsewhere and here that really busy people (I was, only dated those) make the time and are very good too at not being flaky.  Meaning even if as you said  they might not be over the moon they automatically act reliably if they choose to "give things a chance to develop" -often that is because really busy people are successful in their work or careers because they are so reliable. 

Or if they are busy as in overwhelmed, if they are also serious minded -or actually if they see that casual dating might be a good outlet despite the stuff going on -they too will be reliable. 

My friend met her husband  through an online site many years ago that was the main site I use too.  They were briefly dating -she was not over the moon but absolutely liked him and wanted to date him -when her mom tragically passed away from cancer. 

There was a week long mourning period at her family home where they received visitors. She was -overwhelmed and they'd not been dating long.  He showed up every night -and - as she described -he made himself busy -he chatted with others who were there, etc- he didn't ask her  to spend any time with him as she was busy hosting/talking/grieving. He simply showed up, reliably, asking nothing.  That is a strong reason she fell in love with him.  They've been married about 20 years now.  That's what reliable, serious minded people do when they want to get to know someone -they show it in that kind of way IMO.

Again your head and heart are surely in the right place OP I like your thinking and hope you're enjoying the women you are meeting!

[MissCanuck]

Yes, time to your attention elsehwhere, OP. 

This woman is just plain not interested enough. It's not complicated. 

[ShySoul]

On 10/6/2024 at 3:48 PM, yogacat said:

she hasn't made any inference to going out again Shy, especially considering the "hope you're well" so reaching out to her further would be futile at this point.

Wasn't sending a message saying "hope you're well" reaching out? Reaching out to her would just be returning the message and leaving the door open for anything in the future.

On 10/11/2024 at 2:46 AM, jazz_lover said:

But it still means that she is undatable and I do not see how you can build a romantic connection with someone if they do not have the willingness or the ability to meet on a regular basis and keep in touch between meets

The only people who are undatable are the ones who we deem to be undateable. But be clear, that is not her doing. That is you making the decision about her.

I have known couples (any all stages of a relationship) that lost contact for a variety of reason. But one of them eventually contacted the other. And this time they were able to stay in contact, date, have a relationship, and even marry. 

And even if you don't date, why give up on simply knowing someone? Why not see if you can have a friend? What's to say they won't have a female friend to set you up with? The possibilities in this world are endless. And yet everyone is so quick to give up on a person. Honestly, you were always trying to give up on this. So you got your, and apparently everyone else's, wish.

Please, do leave her alone so she can find someone right for her who won't judge or make assumptions about her and will return her messages.

I wish both of you sucess in finding whatever you are after. Just be careful about shutting doors behind you or burning bridges. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

Wasn't sending a message saying "hope you're well" reaching out?

No. This is breadcrumbing.. OP is smart enough and has enough self-respect to recognize the difference there. 

[yogacat]

7 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Wasn't sending a message saying "hope you're well" reaching out?

Reaching out, sure? Indicating she is interested? Not so much...

He asked her out and then she went off the radar for weeks... what kind of interest does that show? 

I don't think sending a message saying "hope you're well" is necessarily showing interest. It could just mean that she wanted to check in and see how he was doing without necessarily wanting to pursue anything further at the moment. 

[rainbowsandroses]

9 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

No. This is breadcrumbing.. OP is smart enough and has enough self-respect to recognize the difference there. 

Imo, it was worse than breadcrumbing.  It was actually insulting.

Claiming she didn't reach out for an entire month because her phone was "aggressively" stolen?  What does that even mean, was she attacked?  And why tell this to the OP after an entire MONTH? 

Not to mention, who can be without a phone in this day and age?  Really?

Any normal person would purchase another phone like immediately or at the very least a temporary burner phone. 

She could have borrowed a friend's phone to reach out, she could have called from work.   Any number of ways she could have gotten a hold of him, had she been interested.

There is no way on god's green earth an interested person would use a stolen or lost phone as an excuse to not reach out for an entire month.  Just the idea of it sounds ridiculous imo. 

And imo her even telling him this was insulting. That she would assume he would actually buy that excuse like some chump. 

If me I'd be embarrassed to use that as an excuse, it's not plausible in this day and age and again insulting imo.

"I hope things are well" was a kiss off imo similar to "take care have a nice life."

@ShySoulI have such respect for you and your opinions but I really wish you'd take women off the pedestal sometimes.

I'm happy you’ve had positive experiences and never been jerked around but I invite you to get on some men's forums and listen to what many men experience with some women.

It's not pretty!  And I'm a woman saying this!  But I do have empathy for them sometimes.

Not all women (or men as this is not gender specific) have good honorable intentions, and imo given this woman's actions as of late, her goal IMO was to keep OP in her orbit as a back up or for attention/validation which is NOT uncommon.

Thank goodness @jazz_lover had/has the awareness, self-respect and good sense to recognize that and continue moving on.

 

 

 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

laiming she didn't reach out for an entire month because her phone was "aggressively" stolen?  What does that even mean, was she attacked?  And why tell this to the OP after an entire MONTH? 

Not to mention, who can be without a phone in this day and age?  Really?

And -even if -I agree with you -there are other ways to get in touch -if you wish to.

[rainbowsandroses]

40 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

And -even if -I agree with you -there are other ways to get in touch -if you wish to.

I believe I mentioned that? 😀

45 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Any normal person would purchase another phone like immediately or at the very least a temporary burner phone. 

She could have borrowed a friend's phone to reach out, she could have called from work.   Any number of ways she could have gotten a hold of him, had she been interested.

There is no way on god's green earth an interested person would use a stolen or lost phone as an excuse to not reach out for an entire month.  Just the idea of it sounds ridiculous imo. 

 

[Batya33]

39 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I believe I mentioned that? 😀

Oh my gosh what happened was my phone wasn't working so I didn't see that you wrote that!! ;-).  anyway bears repeating.

[rainbowsandroses]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Oh my gosh what happened was my phone wasn't working so I didn't see that you wrote that!! ;-).  anyway bears repeating.

My haha was me laughing "with" you, not "at" you Bat.  Your post was funny!

Just thought I'd clarify since emojis especially the laughing ones can sometimes be misinterpreted. 😆

 

[ShySoul]

On 10/13/2024 at 9:22 AM, rainbowsandroses said:

I have such respect for you and your opinions but I really wish you'd take women off the pedestal sometimes.

I'm happy you’ve had positive experiences and never been jerked around but I invite you to get on some men's forums and listen to what many men experience with some women.

It's not pretty!  And I'm a woman saying this!  But I do have empathy for them sometimes.

Not all women (or men as this is not gender specific) have good honorable intentions, and imo given this woman's actions as of late, her goal IMO was to keep OP in her orbit as a back up or for attention/validation which is NOT uncommon.

I've been screwed with more times then I care to count, by men and women. I place no one on pedestals. I appreciate everyone for exactly who they are.

Not everyone has good intentions. But far more do then don't. To follow most of what I hear and read is to assume the worse in people and jump to conclusions that are really unfounded and have no actual proof for. 

No one outside the poster ever met this woman. No one ever talked to her. No one on this board can say definitely what she was thinking, feeling, or doing. It is all our opinions.

I don't see people as men or women. I don't assume things. I see people as individuals, and individuals are flawed and make mistakes. And everyone deserves a second chance. Instead of creating terms, or assigning blame, lets talk to people and give them a chance. Let's see good in everyone. Let's believe in them. You would want people to give you a chance. We all would. So let's do it.

Sorry if I believe in being hopeful and trusting people when they say something. Sorry if I want to believe the best in people. Sorry if I refuse to let my personal experiences and pain cause me see the world in harsher terms. And sorry if I strive for acceptance and love of everyone, of trying to understand and see the side of the one who isn't here to speak for themselves. 

I'd rather live in that world, with those thoughts and believes, alone, then be one who gives up on anyone. 

[rainbowsandroses]

13 hours ago, ShySoul said:

I've been screwed with more times then I care to count..

I'm sorry to hear that Shy, truly. 

13 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Sorry if I believe in being hopeful and trusting people when they say something. Sorry if I want to believe the best in people. Sorry if I refuse to let my personal experiences and pain cause me see the world in harsher terms. And sorry if I strive for acceptance and love of everyone, of trying to understand and see the side of the one who isn't here to speak for themselves. 

^^And I respect that Shy.  I am also a very positive person and prefer seeing the good.

However, when there is such blatant disinterest as has been displayed by @jazz_lover girl in this thread, I prefer to be realistic too.

Having the awareness to recognize that such behavior (based on actions or as in this case non-action) is harmful to me emotionally.

That's actually how I avoid being screwed with per your first quote. 

And I do this after giving many benefits of doubt, but after time as in this situation, it becomes glaringly obvious so I walk away.  

That's been the goal of everyone here.

Not to evoke bitterness or distrust but rather to instill awareness and seeing the situation for what it IS not what they want it to be or 'hope" it will be and end up getting screwed. 

Anyway no sense in debating it, to each their own.

Whatever makes you happy Shy and I truly hope someday you find and get what you're looking for, in love and in life.