Leaving text messages unread for days

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, tattoobunnie said:

Call her or send another text.

He already did, 

She got the texts, and she replied, but was pretty lukewarm. 

[ShySoul]

15 hours ago, Darlington said:

I thought we were giving OP advice about the current situation, not a revolution that might happen in the future? 🤷‍♀️

That was a side comment related to what we were saying about people's constant use of phones. Wasn't related to the topic at hand. For my views on that, see my other posts. 🙄

[ShySoul]

On 9/9/2024 at 5:55 PM, jazz_lover said:

having a very busy social calendar

On 9/4/2024 at 8:31 AM, jazz_lover said:

she’s a fairly recent graduate new to London so has probably overextended herself with networking and socialising

Sounds like she isn't stringing you along, she is simply busy. You were also on a trip, so maybe she didn't want to bother you, thinking you would be occupied with other things as she was?

You also mentioned times when she did reply back fairly quickly and you waited hour before you responded. That's the thing with texts, people aren't always available to reply. That's life getting in the way, not a sign to that it's not worth it.

10 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

she initiated a lot of handholding on both dates and on second date during the musical rested her head on my shoulder and then when the couple next to us left at the interval she stretched out and using my chest as a pillow and we’ve kissed a few times (although no making out)

Doubt she would be doing all that if there wasn't something there. Stop stressing yourself over this and just get the next date planned.  Odds are once you are in person, you'll pick up where you left off and you'll be wondering why you let any of this bother you in the first place.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 9/9/2024 at 7:59 PM, Morello said:

You can just answer "Sounds great, feel free to reach out when you know which day would suit you best. I'd love to hear from you again. In the meantime, enjoy the fashion show", or something to that effect.

15 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

I sent her a reply along the lines suggested by Morello and Darlington. So I will see if she does come back with anything more concrete. But I'm not getting my hopes up and if she doesn't get back to me I will simply move on. 

@jazz is there an update?

Has she responded?  It's been 15 hours, I'm on pins!  

 

 

[jazz_lover]

Haha the original post was motivated by a wait of over 150 hours so manage your expectations I know I am ! 
 

Seriously though she knows I want to see her and it’s up to her to find space in her calendar next week and when she does so to contact me. It’s only Tuesday of this week so if I do hear back from her it’s likely to be at the weekend.

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

25 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

Haha the original post was motivated by a wait of over 150 hours so manage your expectations I know I am ! 
 

Seriously though she knows I want to see her and it’s up to her to find space in her calendar next week and when she does so to contact me. It’s only Tuesday of this week so if I do hear back from her it’s likely to be at the weekend.

Ok but even assuming she doesn't know her schedule yet, she could still reply with I duuno.... something? 

Acknowling your text, like say "okay will do!  Look forward to seeing you. 😀"

Something?

Sounds to me like you're finding excuses to rationalize her lack of interest but okay man, if you're cool with it, that's all that matters, good luck. 

 

 

[jazz_lover]

I mean if it was me I would have sent a quick acknowledgement even as simple as "Sure will let you know". 

But I'll give it another week. If a week from now there is still zero progress in arranging a third date then I will write this off. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

I mean if it was me I would have sent a quick acknowledgement even as simple as "Sure will let you know". 

But I'll give it another week. If a week from now there is still zero progress in arranging a third date then I will write this off. 

Just how I used  to do things if it helps.  I wrote off every person if there wasn't a date time and place scheduled -meaning I assumed each date was the last and I lived my life with that outlook -no time spent "waiting" no energy directed toward that person who then was a nonentity unless and until we had a date planned (before we were exclusive/before our dating was assumed). If he asked then he was back in my life as a dating prospect.

Also I didn't give the person the benefit of my conversation./contact if he hadn't set up another date - if he called to say hi I either didn't take the call or or I kept it as brief as possible sometimes throwing him a bone like "nice chatting, I'm busy and I look forward to seeing you when you have time" or something.  Typically I said nothing -the men I dated including very shy men if they wanted to go on a date knew how to ask.  If they wanted a chat buddy or buddy -no time for that -I already had enough friends.  From your end - the ball is in her court obviously you shouldn't ask her again -but I'd put her off my radar unles and until she steps up.  JMHO>

[rainbowsandroses]

@jazz reading your earlier posts, I do think she was initially quite interested.  

But something happened along the way, either on the dates or timing and you being gone, who knows.  

Just my experience but the very early stages, the first few dates are so precarious and fragile, anything can happen and if the connection isn't kept alive with some sort of escalation and consistent effort (by both), things can fade or die.

Jmo but I think this is dead, there is literally nothing happening.

What I'm curious about is why you're still interested?

Other than the first two dates, she is demonstrating very little interest and there has been so much distance with virtually no communication, she can't even do you the courtesy of acknowledging your kind response to her extremely elusive text.

On 9/10/2024 at 3:54 AM, MissCanuck said:

There's a lot be said for learning how to recognize very low interest, and not wasting more time or energy on it. 

^^Requoted for emphasis.

 

 

 

 

 

[jazz_lover]

I’d agree with you it seems to have fizzled out despite the promising start. 

I did feel the second date didn’t go quite as well. I dated a social butterfly like her a few years ago and we had a few bad dates where I couldn’t bring the energy she seemed to need and on the second date I was very drained because my travel plans were being held up by visa issues and it was very stressful. So maybe that was a factor. 

Usually dating situations are a lot simpler. Things either progress smoothly or low interest is very obvious from the outset. But it’s been a good lesson not to invest emotionally so early on or get too cosy too quickly.

Anyway thanks to all the helpful advice I think I’ve done as well as I can in the circumstances. I’ve made it clear Im back from my holiday and want to see her again and as she wasn’t free on the evening I suggested and wouldn’t give me a counteroffer I have no reason to text her again unless she steps up and suggests a day for next week. 
 

And maybe if there is some residual interest on her part she might sense the shift and see I’m no longer making an effort or chasing her and she might then figure she might lose me as an option if she doesn’t step up and at least agree to another date. 
 

But like I said I’m not hopeful and I’m going to keep myself busy with catching up with work , the jazz festival over the coming days and maybe go on some other dates 

 

 

[jazz_lover]

Still absolutely nothing from her. And its been almost a week. 

Apparently in the digital age there is a phenomenon called "the slow fade" or "fizzling". Texts come fewer and farther between, they stop making concrete plans, stop showing any enthusiasm, and they basically just distance themselves until you take the hint. 

Apparently it is catching on because ghosting is seen as lacking compassion but it still allows you to avoid difficult conversations. Of course the downside is the lack of closure and room for confusion for the other person. 

Anyway I've deleted her number. I resisted the temptation to send a sarcastic text like "Texting doesn't seem to be working that well for us. How about we switch to a faster form of communication like carrier pigeon, postcards or telegrams?" End of the day she's read my messages, can respond reasonably promptly when she wants to, and clearly doesn't want to. And no point calling her out on it even in a funny way. 

[ShySoul]

31 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

Apparently it is catching on because ghosting is seen as lacking compassion but it still allows you to avoid difficult conversations. Of course the downside is the lack of closure and room for confusion for the other person. 

Wish people would use option C - Being straightforward and honest about things and just talking. You still are lacking compassion regardless if you stop all at once or little by little. If anything it's worse to drag things out.

Sorry this happened. Better things are out there for you. Take care of yourself.

[SophiaG]

48 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

Apparently in the digital age there is a phenomenon called "the slow fade"

Yep. Good on you to not send the sarcastic text - that will be a bit much IMO. Of course after your two seemingly quite successful dates it would be quite disappointing and confusing for her to do this, but I don't think many people consider it a big deal or even think about it consciously when they slow fade on someone they've just met once or twice and didn't quite click with. It's well before any relationship is formed and it could be seen as overly dramatic to have a formal talk about "breaking things off." Sucks to be on the receiving end when you thought things went well though. Glad you've deleted her number and moved on!

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

Yep. Good on you to not send the sarcastic text - that will be a bit much IMO. Of course after your two seemingly quite successful dates it would be quite disappointing and confusing for her to do this, but I don't think many people consider it a big deal or even think about it consciously when they slow fade on someone they've just met once or twice and didn't quite click with. It's well before any relationship is formed and it could be seen as overly dramatic to have a formal talk about "breaking things off." Sucks to be on the receiving end when you thought things went well though. Glad you've deleted her number and moved on!

Agree entirely.  Silence is lack of interest.  Slow fade has been around forever- whether landline or carrier pigeon or AIM messages contact fades/slows.  I think it wasn't thoughtful of her to suggest that "perhaps" she would see you again but happens all the time with dating and new acquaintances/new friendships. I had many one and two date wonders and preferred silence as lack of interest as opposed to some flowery fake you are so amazing but [fill in it's not you it's me excuse].  

I'm sorry you're disappointed!

[rainbowsandroses]

I'm with @ShySoulon this one specifically when one person continues to pursue as @jazz_loverdid.

When jazz reached out when he returned and directly invited her out, imo a decent human being would have simply replied "I enjoyed spending time but have decided to continue my search, wish you the best" or something of the like. 

Instead of what SHE said "maybe next week?" which was utter BS obviously.

And it caused jazz quite a bit of anxiety until it became obvious she ghosted. 

To each their own but personally I find that approach cruel and unnecessary.

People rarely think of the other person's feelings anymore which is sad. 

JMO.

I'm sorry @jazz_lover.

 

 

[jazz_lover]

Thanks for your kind responses and sympathy. 

I always preferred silences and never took ghosting personally in the early stages of dating. When someone stops responding after a date the message is clear....they don't want to continue the interaction.

But replying to some messages but not others, and making references to possible future plans and saying on a few occasions she's looking forward to hearing all about my holiday was very confusing! 

She could have simply left it at thanking me for the second date (which she did) and then ignored any further messages I sent and I'd have got the hint pretty quickly.

Instead a few days later she texted me asking whether my travel plans got sorted and how my weekend was and when I replied asked more questions about my holiday, said she wanted to hear all about it and to send her photos. And when I'd enquired about her weekend in response instead of just saying "it was great thanks" she told me exactly what she'd been up to (Friday cocktails, Saturday Indonesian food, Sunday day trip). So really quite conversational. And I responded in kind giving some brief details about my holiday and sending some photos which she could have at least acknowledged (e.g., "Looks great. Enjoy the rest of your holiday!". But she just didn't bother replying at all. 

Then when a week later to try and get a bit more clarity  I asked her out instead of ignoring she again used the "can't wait to hear all about it" line in reference to photos I sent a week ago and said while she was busy we could perhaps meet the following week. And when I essentially said let me know she didn't get back to me. 

So I don't think I'm completely crazy for getting quite confused and anxious. Although it has been a good lesson not to get emotionally invested so early on in the dating process even when things did seem quite promising from the outset. And also that my gut usually is right. 

But it is a relief that it is no longer confusing and I know where I stand. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, jazz_lover said:

Thanks for your kind responses and sympathy. 

I always preferred silences and never took ghosting personally in the early stages of dating. When someone stops responding after a date the message is clear....they don't want to continue the interaction.

But replying to some messages but not others, and making references to possible future plans and saying on a few occasions she's looking forward to hearing all about my holiday was very confusing! 

She could have simply left it at thanking me for the second date (which she did) and then ignored any further messages I sent and I'd have got the hint pretty quickly.

Instead a few days later she texted me asking whether my travel plans got sorted and how my weekend was and when I replied asked more questions about my holiday, said she wanted to hear all about it and to send her photos. And when I'd enquired about her weekend in response instead of just saying "it was great thanks" she told me exactly what she'd been up to (Friday cocktails, Saturday Indonesian food, Sunday day trip). So really quite conversational. And I responded in kind giving some brief details about my holiday and sending some photos which she could have at least acknowledged (e.g., "Looks great. Enjoy the rest of your holiday!". But she just didn't bother replying at all. 

Then when a week later to try and get a bit more clarity  I asked her out instead of ignoring she again used the "can't wait to hear all about it" line in reference to photos I sent a week ago and said while she was busy we could perhaps meet the following week. And when I essentially said let me know she didn't get back to me. 

So I don't think I'm completely crazy for getting quite confused and anxious. Although it has been a good lesson not to get emotionally invested so early on in the dating process even when things did seem quite promising from the outset. And also that my gut usually is right. 

But it is a relief that it is no longer confusing and I know where I stand. 

Yes I think it was rude of her and shows that she is not a person who is good with her word or treats people with thoughtfulness.  I agree -if she wasn't sure she wanted to see you again simply say something like "I had a great time on our dates.  I'm not sure I want to continue for personal reasons nothing to do with you! If I change my mind I will reach out and if you're still interested and available we'll figure out a time to meet".  Or silence if she didn't want to meet at all would be ok too.

[ShySoul]

Perhaps next time be more definitive on plans. Instead of sometime next week or let me know when you are ready, try to pin down a specific date at least, if not an activity. Less room for confusion and anxiety if you just get it settled as soon as possible.

I get that you didn't want to push her, but sometimes you have to push a lot to make things happen. And knowing how busy she was, would have been good to tie things down before other things got in the way.

Don't think she was necessarily rude or didn't want to see you, as much as other things got placed higher on the list then someone she didn't know as well. 

Still doesn't make it feel any worse though.

Again, sorry this happened. Unfortuntately, when you go the dating route, things are going to not work out more then they are going to work. Learn from it, pick yourself up, and try again. Hope next time goes better.

[SophiaG]

1 hour ago, jazz_lover said:

But replying to some messages but not others, and making references to possible future plans and saying on a few occasions she's looking forward to hearing all about my holiday was very confusing!

Indeed! I feel like people sometimes act in quite thoughtless ways in online dating they wouldn't necessarily treat someone they meet in real life with. Almost like they see you less as a person, more as a profile among so many profiles. I've had guys very communicative and eager to make plans up until the day of the said plan when they suddenly fell silent and disappeared. Who would have known?! Over time you grow a thicker skin for sure...

 

26 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

I get that you didn't want to push her, but sometimes you have to push a lot to make things happen. And knowing how busy she was, would have been good to tie things down before other things got in the way.

I think this is a typical case of some/low interest. She had a good time on the dates and was open to see OP again, but not keen enough to make an active effort to keep in tough while he was away or make seeing him a priority when he was back. With the ambiguous response she left the door open to be pursued. If OP pushed for a date, she might have agreed. But when OP left the ball in her court, she couldn't be bothered to return it. Some guys might be ok with continuing the chase but clearly this is not good enough for OP.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

Perhaps next time be more definitive on plans. Instead of sometime next week or let me know when you are ready, try to pin down a specific date at least,

In jazz's defense he had already done that.  Invited her out with date, time, place.  He could not have been any more definitive!

She was the one who replied ambiguously and evasively with her "perhaps next week."  

And jazz replied "cool let me what days you're free." 

@jazz_loveryour response was perfect under those circumstances, please don't second guess yourself, not that you are.

For whatever reason, she lost interest after two dates.   It happens, it's quite common as I'm sure you're aware.

Trying to pin her down again would not have made any difference except make you appear desperate and foolish. 

Which I have no doubt you already know!

It takes BOTH people making effort, not one acting evasively and the other chasing trying to pin them down. 

Sigh. 

 

 

 

[yogacat]

On 9/9/2024 at 6:56 PM, jazz_lover said:

I haven't replied anything yet.

Agree that she hasn't said no. Although "perhaps next week we can do something" is very non committal". So probably she doesn't know which day if any she might be free. And I can understand as generally I avoid making plans too far in the future as well. So trying to pin her down on a specific date might backfire. 

And you are right. She could have simply responded to the text I sent today so it was considerate to try to catch up on the other messages she hadn't responded to. 

Maybe the way to go is reply "Sure I'd like that" and then closer to the time (perhaps this Sunday) suggest some possible dates for next week? And I can segue into it by asking how the fashion show went. 

I'm a little frustrated. But my situation has improved somewhat even though it would have been easier if she'd agreed to the date (or made a firmer counteroffer) or rejected me outright. I can see if I can arrange a date for next week and see how things go in person and assess whether there is any potential. And if I cannot manage to arrange a date for next week then I will take it as a sign that it isn't meant to be. And in the meantime I should probably explore other dating options. 

She replied she can't that day but she counter offered "next week, ?" and you didn't reply.

You could have shot a text back saying "Sounds great, just let me know which day next week works for you."

Her suggestion of next week may have been non-committal, and you didn't give her the opportunity to commit by not replying. If you had left it open ended, she very well may have solidified plans with you.

Of course, she may not be interested. Sometimes it can also be a polite way of rejecting your invitation without directly saying no.

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, yogacat said:

You could have shot a text back saying "Sounds great, just let me know which day next week works for you."

This^^ is exactly how he did reply.  Pretty much word for word. 

Perhaps you missed that post? 

[yogacat]

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This^^ is exactly how he did reply.  Pretty much word for word. 

Perhaps you missed that post? 

Oh, he did? I stand corrected... 

[ShySoul]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Trying to pin her down again would not have made any difference except make you appear desperate and foolish. 

Or it could have shown you were willing to put in extra effort to make absolutely sure you met up, confirming your interest instead of just throwing it on the other person and not doing anything else. Also shows you don't really care about how you appear because you are too focused on trying to be near her.

All depends on what the individual is comfortable with doing. For him, the interest wasn't sufficient enough to keep trying. And that's fine. For her, we don't really know what she was thinking. But clearly it wasn't meant to be. And that's fine as well.

Better luck next time jazz_lover.

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, yogacat said:

She replied she can't that day but she counter offered "next week, ?" and you didn't reply.

She said “maybe next week”. That means “Maybe if I dont have anything else more fun to do”. Why couldnt she be more enthusiastic about it and said “Next week I will leave free to do something with you”? To keep his interest. Why should he be the one to follow up anything if she hasnt been enthusiastic about him very clearly asking her out? Him keeping the interest there isnt only on him and him alone. When other side is showing him she isnt really happy about him asking her out and that she has more better plans.