Leaving text messages unread for days

[jazz_lover]

I figured as she didn't know my travel plans and would have probably figured I would be back (given it is over a week since I flew out) I'd ask her out over text and see what she came back with and if I left it too late she might already have weekend plans. 

I couldn't find any appealing art exhibition but there is a jazz festival in London this week so I texted her saying "Hey A. Hope you've had a good start to the week. It is the London jazz festival later this week and there is a great quartet playing Friday night at 8pm. Would you like to accompany me?"

Several hours later she texted back. 

She started with the text I sent over a week ago (the one she didn't respond to) and used the quote function to reply starting with the question I asked about the Indonesian food she said she'd tried for the first time and she attached a photo and said the food was great with a lot of interesting flavour combinations.

Then she used the quote function where I'd said "here are a few photos as a taster" (as she'd asked me to send her photos) and she replied "lovely can't wait to hear all about it".

Then finally she quoted the message I sent earlier today and said it sounds good but she'd already made plans to see a fashion show on Friday....but perhaps let's do something next week?

It all felt a bit rushed as though she was just trying to swat away my unread messages as quickly as possible rather than trying to engage in any way. And the "maybe next week" is very non-committal.

I get the feeling it is just going to be too much of a headache. Between her not having any interest in texting between dates and having a very busy social calendar it will be an uphill battle. And it doesn't seem as if she is interested enough to help me out by being more specific about when she is free or making a proper counter-offer or showing any real enthusiasm about seeing me again. 

Not really sure how to respond to all of this. I figured I would get some closure either way but it seems like she is continuing to string me along a bit either because she does not want to hurt my feelings my rejecting me outright or she wants to keep me as an option for when there are lulls in her busy social calendar.

I was thinking perhaps just reply 24 hours later  "Sure I'd like that. Enjoy the fashion show".

My logic is as follows:

a) There is no point trying to pin her down to a specific evening when she might not know her schedule yet or might have no serious intent of meeting next week and is just trying to fob me off. And if she is just overstretched and overloaded then pressuring her will just backfire and if she is simply not interested then I'll just get another non-committal response (e.g. "Not sure yet will let you know"). 

b) She clearly isn't interested in building a connection through texting so no point burdening her with questions or anything that requires an immediate response. 

c) It leaves the ball in her court. Either she reaches out next week and tries to arrange something or I don't hear from her again in which case I can date other women. 

[yogacat]

23 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

My logic is as follows:

a) There is no point trying to pin her down to a specific evening when she might not know her schedule yet or might have no serious intent of meeting next week and is just trying to fob me off. And if she is just overstretched and overloaded then pressuring her will just backfire and if she is simply not interested then I'll just get another non-committal response (e.g. "Not sure yet will let you know"). 

When she said "perhaps let's do something next week?" What did you reply to that?

I'm not sure what your response was but it's not like her answer was "no" or "no, I don't want to see you next week." 

I sense frustration and I don't think it's an overreaction to just want closure or a straightforward rejection. I do think though that you should leave it at this point. If you're already feeling like it's an uphill battle and you're not sensing real enthusiasm for seeing you again, then having this tension and overthinking the situation isn't going to make for a good start. 

[SophiaG]

45 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

It all felt a bit rushed as though she was just trying to swat away my unread messages as quickly as possible rather than trying to engage in any way. And the "maybe next week" is very non-committal.

I wouldn't necessarily see it that way! I think it's a good thing that she addressed your earlier messages. It's kinda consistent with what I'd do if I just forgot responding or didn't want to bombard you with messages while you were on vacation. If I were you I'd probably just respond to her last message with something like "sure, do you want to get coffee/go for a walk next week? How about Saturday?" It sounds like she communicates/bonds better in person and I'd try to meet in person so you won't keep wondering the whatifs. And if she declines again then you know for sure.

Given what you described I would guess she's not too invested but wants to see you again and get to know you more. This is not necessarily a bad thing - personally I rarely get too excited after a first date or the first 2-3 dates. So if you meet again, do something lowkey and just talk. Get a better understanding of her intentions and preferences for communication. No need to go for more fun activities or romantic gestures before you know where this is going. I feel a lot of this frustration stemmed from your assumptions and overthinking of her texting behavior.

[jazz_lover]

I haven't replied anything yet.

Agree that she hasn't said no. Although "perhaps next week we can do something" is very non committal". So probably she doesn't know which day if any she might be free. And I can understand as generally I avoid making plans too far in the future as well. So trying to pin her down on a specific date might backfire. 

And you are right. She could have simply responded to the text I sent today so it was considerate to try to catch up on the other messages she hadn't responded to. 

Maybe the way to go is reply "Sure I'd like that" and then closer to the time (perhaps this Sunday) suggest some possible dates for next week? And I can segue into it by asking how the fashion show went. 

I'm a little frustrated. But my situation has improved somewhat even though it would have been easier if she'd agreed to the date (or made a firmer counteroffer) or rejected me outright. I can see if I can arrange a date for next week and see how things go in person and assess whether there is any potential. And if I cannot manage to arrange a date for next week then I will take it as a sign that it isn't meant to be. And in the meantime I should probably explore other dating options. 

 

 

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Sounds like she's playing you along. 

If you reach out with an other she may accept if she wants do it.

Main thing is, does she have something more interesting to do.

Saying perhaps....yeah yeah

 

She could have said something more along the lines of I'm free this day or that day. That would help you plan a date or quick in person meet up that she could respond to.

She could be saying that in hopes you don't check back in. 

[Morello]

You can just answer "Sounds great, feel free to reach out when you know which day would suit you best. I'd love to hear from you again. In the meantime, enjoy the fashion show", or something to that effect.

But then act like this is over and only change your mind if she gets in touch with a date. If she doesn't, or comes back with more fluffy stuff, I'd just ignore.

[MissCanuck]

I can only speak for myself, but when I am interested in a guy, I don't behave like her. 

I wouldn't leave his message unread for days. I wouldn't be that vague about when I coud get together. 

She's lukewarm at best. Next. 

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

I was thinking perhaps just reply 24 hours later  "Sure I'd like that. Enjoy the fashion show".

 

Too vague. It implies that next week you would still have to make effort to organize a date while she could be doing nothing. I like "feel free to reach out when you know which day suits you the best" post. It passes the ball in her yard and that she should contact you next week and inquire about the date. And not you asking again. So, if she is interested she would let you know. If she isnt, she wont.

The reason why you should do that is simple. Effort shouldnt be one sided. If it was, it means only one side wants something to happen while the other is phlegmatic about it. That isnt a good situation if you want more. So, pass the ball in her yard and see if she would make any kind of effort. If she does, great. If she doesnt, you will know where you stand and move on.

[ShySoul]

Stop over thinking and treating this as some kind of game or puzzle that you need to work out.

You worry about why she hasn't responded and assume that means she isn't interested. She replies, and you worry that it wasn't enough and thus she is not interested. She doesn't specify a specific date, so you assume she isn't interested. You assume she is stringing you along. You are thinking of moving on to the next person.

Are you trying to sabotage yourself? Do you really want to see her?

She has shown she is not a big texting person. So take her for who she is and find a way to communicate that is more her style. Texting is not the only way to chat with someone or get to know them. Plenty of couples get along just fine and get to know each other without the need to constantly text.

Whenever she has spoken or written you, she has displayed interest. So focus on that interest. If she says maybe next week, try to find something for next week and suggest it as soon as possible. Put yourself in that appointment book before her calender fills up. 

This isn't a game of who says what or when. This isn't about a ball being in anyone's court. This isn't someone not showing interest. This is a matter of making schedules meet up. It takes effort and patience, but you can do it. And she seems to want to do it as well. 

Don't worry about creating the right plan or what you should be doing or saying. Just go with what you feel and say what you want to say. It's not as difficult as you're making it out to be.

5 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

it will be an uphill battle

Just my experience, but those battles are often the ones most worth fighting. And the rewards once you've climbed it are the sweetest.

 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

) It leaves the ball in her court. Either she reaches out next week and tries to arrange something or I don't hear from her again in which case I can date other women. 

I am just quoting this but I agree with you in general and I find this all so odd.  Why wait that long and then perfunctorily reply as she did - it's like something I would do at work if I was away for a week, found an old email and quoted each part so my coworker wouldn't have to scroll to see what she wrote a whole week ago, forgetting I'd be away.  

I think she -replied - in a kind way but not enthusiastic enough - you put in effort.  She should have done far more than perhaps.  I know I am buried to my whatever in work right now and can't make certain specific plans even for a phone call but I try to be specific like "I can't make a plan yet for later in the week but by ____ (in 3 days) I should know my schedule a lot better and I wil reach out.  " The goal is if you care and you are super busy let the other person know you are doing your best to specifically make a plan to see or talk to them.  

I have a friend who's judged me for not making enough effort to make a plan to see her We live about 45 minutes away, I don't drive, we can meet sort of in the middle.  There was a musical we both wanted to see it was 15 minutes from her.  Tickets were readily available. I told her which days I could do it and that I could be flexible/play by ear, etc She  said good and she'd  get back to me -there were multiple opportunities over 3 weeks. That was two months ago almost and she never picked up the ball.  I made the decision -as you are -I've done enough.  If she really wants to see the musical with me she'll pick a day etc.  I called her bluff. Is it a game - partly. I'm good with what I did. Show her who you are and what you are about -your time is valuable, time for her to step up.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Whenever she has spoken or written you, she has displayed interest. So focus on that interest

I always focus on the extent of interest.  In all situations. To decide how to react to decide if it's worth my time investment.  Did that in dating too and way before cell phones.  I didn't need to be thrown a perhaps bone.  Or "sounds cool let's meet for coffee sometime!"  When I interviewed for my job 3 hours after the interview I sent follow up thank you emails.  When my future husband called me three days after platonic meet up one and said he had a ticket  that weekend for some play I never heard of did I want to go I said 'yes".  I didn't even know if it was a group outing.  I didn't care I just wanted to see him again.  Had I already had plans I would have been quick on the draw and expressed my regrets and said "but I am free on ___ how about we ___"  It's the extent of interest.  That's my "personal opinion" always with the disclaimers but I know so few people who genuinely want a potentially serious relationship and would settle for "perhaps" as interest in this specific situation.

My friend started bumble a week ago or so and had her first meet Sunday. He showed up 5 minutes late to that ubiquitous coffee chain, no apologies or advance warning (and yes she wanted him to acknowledge it), and he didn't offer to buy her coffee while they were at the counter ordering.  She summed it up (she is in her 60s, he in his 50s he said) as this is a poor first impression, no effort, next. 

She didn't overthink -she knows her worth.  He showed "interest" -he showed up and they talked for one hour.  But she doesn't want mr. lukewarm on a first meet.  Seems to me neither does the OP want to settle for lukewarm. 

Perhaps this lady will realize she'd better step up -but him accommodating her nonsense further because he desires to see her and she showed "interest" with "perhaps" to me makes no sense.  And yes even if it is partly a game - sometimes to me if you're that into someone you have to step back and use some external rules to remind yourself of what you are worth.

[Darlington]

9 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

"Sure I'd like that. Enjoy the fashion show".

I would reply: "Sure, let me know when you're free and we'll arrange something". 

Short. Sweet. Matching the same energy and effort. Personally, I would send it right away, not wait 24hrs. 

But I come back to what I previously said in another reply. This girl is just not that into you. If she was, should be equally as concerned about your texts/communication as you are about hers. But she is completely unbothered. 

I wouldn't waste any more time, energy or braincells on this one. Thank you. Next. 

Ps. Have you considered that she was asking about your trip and photos to confirm you were out of the country? I have done so in the past to try and avoid bumping into someone while on another date (when meeting multiple people online). 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

10 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

Then finally she quoted the message I sent earlier today and said it sounds good but she'd already made plans to see a fashion show on Friday....but perhaps let's do something next week?

@jazz_loverbest to just move on. Just let it go, enough is enough already, geez! 

Not only did she not suggest an alternative date, but anyone who responds to a direct invite with an ambiguous and non-committal "perhaps another time" or "maybe next week" or anything of the like is lukewarm at best, not interested at worst. 

Common sense really. She might have been interested at some point but somewhere along the way it died or faded, happens all the time. 

Don't bother analyzing it, delete her number and move on is my advice.

Interested people act interested and she's not!  Not by a long shot.

Do not chase, just let it go. 

I'm sorry man. 😞

 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I always focus on the extent of interest.  In all situations. To decide how to react to decide if it's worth my time investment.

Yes, this. 

There's a lot be said for learning how to recognize very low interest, and not wasting more time or energy on it. 

[Darlington]

On 9/8/2024 at 10:55 PM, ShySoul said:

Revolutions don't happen overnight.

I thought we were giving OP advice about the current situation, not a revolution that might happen in the future? 🤷‍♀️

[jazz_lover]

@Darlington: London is a huge city so I highly doubt she asked about my travel plans for that reason. And we've only had a few dates so she is free to date other guys (and probably she is). 

I think Batya33 probably has the right read on her. She is basically a kind person and maybe being young doesn't realize that she's stringing me along a little. And the "replying to work emails after a long holiday" analogy is very apt. That is exactly how it seemed to me. Also these latest texts had quite a few typos so clearly she sent them in a rush without much thought. 

I sent her a reply along the lines suggested by Morello and Darlington. So I will see if she does come back with anything more concrete. But I'm not getting my hopes up and if she doesn't get back to me I will simply move on. 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

I sent her a reply along the lines suggested by Morello and Darlington. So I will see if she does come back with anything more concrete. But I'm not getting my hopes up and if she doesn't get back to me I will simply move on. 

^This is actually a great attitude!

And after reading @Morelloand @Darlingtonposts, I agree and am glad you did that. 

You took your ego out of it, didn't act butt hurt, and responded with confidence.

Let us know!!!  I'll be on pins waiting and hope it works out. 

 

[Darlington]

32 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

London is a huge city

^^Facts!

But it can also be the smallest city at the most inconvenient time 😅😅

@jazz_lover you seem to have your head screwed on right and deep down could sense something was a little off (hence the original post, I assume).

I wish you the best and hope you'll find someone who equally matches your effort and interest, and who doesn't leave you doubting about how they feel about you. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, jazz_lover said:

@Darlington: London is a huge city so I highly doubt she asked about my travel plans for that reason. And we've only had a few dates so she is free to date other guys (and probably she is). 

I think Batya33 probably has the right read on her. She is basically a kind person and maybe being young doesn't realize that she's stringing me along a little. And the "replying to work emails after a long holiday" analogy is very apt. That is exactly how it seemed to me. Also these latest texts had quite a few typos so clearly she sent them in a rush without much thought. 

I sent her a reply along the lines suggested by Morello and Darlington. So I will see if she does come back with anything more concrete. But I'm not getting my hopes up and if she doesn't get back to me I will simply move on. 

It takes two. She’s not stringing you along. You have the choice of response. She would be if she made a plan and stood you up. I don’t think it’s age related. I started dating as a young teen. I knew full well how to show interest in dating. My mom met my dad at 16. He looked up her father’s name in the white pages after casually asking her last name. Then called her and asked her out for a date. 

[SophiaG]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

The goal is if you care and you are super busy let the other person know you are doing your best to specifically make a plan to see or talk to them

You sure sound like the kind of friend I'd love to keep Batya! I agree, people who put in no effort are exhausting. I think in this case I'm a bit biased as I'm a girl who develop feelings over time so I don't get head over heels in the first few dates. If I happen to be super busy with my life or other things at the same time, I might come across as lukewarm or low interest - and probably missed some great men this way! But I also noticed that they've cuddled and kissed quite a bit in those two dates - not something I would do if I'm just getting to know and not sure about a man.

I sense that OP might be the type with anxious attachment and tends to overthink small things like how long it takes for her to reply, tone of her messages, typos, etc. In this case it might be a torture to date a bad texter. I used to be somewhat like that but my current bf is horrible in texting and it doesn't bother me one bit since we see each other all the time and from those interactions I know for a fact he adores me. OP if she texts you back to schedule a date you might just need more in-person time to figure each other out.

[jazz_lover]

SophiaG yeah she initiated a lot of handholding on both dates and on second date during the musical rested her head on my shoulder and then when the couple next to us left at the interval she stretched out and using my chest as a pillow and we’ve kissed a few times (although no making out).

Ive  had women make out with me because they’ve been tipsy or wanted to test the chemistry etc but I can’t recall women being affectionate unless they genuinely liked me and felt comfortable with me. So that adds to my confusion. 

Your explanation makes sense and hopefully she’ll follow up and help arrange a date and I can then see how things go in person. 
 

anyway will keep you all posted 

 

 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It takes two. She’s not stringing you along. You have the choice of response. She would be if she made a plan and stood you up. I don’t think it’s age related. I started dating as a young teen. I knew full well how to show interest in dating. My mom met my dad at 16. He looked up her father’s name in the white pages after casually asking her last name. Then called her and asked her out for a date. 

Batya33 I'm confused what you're saying here^^.

By definition "stringing someone along" is:

>>To deceive someone about what your true intentions are.<<

People do that by declining a direct invite but continuing to text and saying things like "maybe another time" or "perhaps next week" etc. 

I find there is a lot of "stringing people along" on dating apps.  Often times they have no intention to date, they may be in another relationship or married but enjoy the attention so will continue texting "suggesting" they want to date but making no effort to actually schedule a date and declining invites. 

When you stand someone up, there is no ambiguity, no "stringing along" it's a straightforward action that is rude, thoughtless and leaves no guesswork. 

That's my understanding of this two common phrases anyway. 

Here we (I) have no idea if this woman is stringing him along however if she continues to be elusive in her responses, there is a good chance she might be.  Impossible to know at this point. 

@jazz_loververy directly asked her out, he said:

15 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

Hey A. Hope you've had a good start to the week. It is the London jazz festival later this week and there is a great quartet playing Friday night at 8pm. Would you like to accompany me?"

Can't get any more direct than that!  With date, time, place.  She responded in a very elusive and non-committal way.

I get she had plans but an interested woman would have offered another time, not "perhaps next week" ugh. 

Reading your last paragraph above (bolded) re your dad, I'm not sure if you're suggesting he should ask her out again after receiving a response like that?

Again I'm confused by your post and what you're suggesting.  So if you would clarify it would be appreciated.

@jazz_loverI think your response was awesome! 

Perfect just right. 

If you don't hear back or she continues to be elusive with her "maybe's' or "perhaps" just next her.

You've done more than enough.

JMO 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

31 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Batya33 I'm confused what you're saying here^^.

By definition "stringing someone along" is:

>>To deceive someone about what your true intentions are.<<

People do that by declining a direct invite but continuing to text and saying things like "maybe another time" or "perhaps next week" etc. 

I find there is a lot of "stringing people along" on dating apps.  Often times they have no intention to date, they may be in another relationship or married but enjoy the attention so will continue texting "suggesting" they want to date but making no effort to actually schedule a date and declining invites. 

When you stand someone up, there is no ambiguity, no "stringing along" it's a straightforward action that is rude, thoughtless and leaves no guesswork. 

That's my understanding of this two common phrases anyway. 

Here we (I) have no idea if this woman is stringing him along however if she continues to be elusive in her responses, there is a good chance she might be.  Impossible to know at this point. 

@jazz_loververy directly asked her out, he said:

Can't get any more direct than that!  With date, time, place.  She responded in a very elusive and non-committal way.

I get she had plans but an interested woman would have offered another time, not "perhaps next week" ugh. 

Reading your last paragraph above (bolded) re your dad, I'm not sure if you're suggesting he should ask her out again after receiving a response like that?

Again I'm confused by your post and what you're suggesting.  So if you would clarify it would be appreciated.

@jazz_loverI think your response was awesome! 

Perfect just right. 

If you don't hear back or she continues to be elusive with her "maybe's' or "perhaps" just next her.

You've done more than enough.

JMO 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm sorry you don't understand what I meant -we apparently have different understandings and opinions and I've written all I care to on that point.  I agree that not showing up is clear and I don't define stringing along as you do as far as the dating app examples. I wrote how I feel the OP should respond and  that it takes two -you can reread as  you wish or not!

[tattoobunnie]

On 9/4/2024 at 9:51 AM, jazz_lover said:

 

Three days later and my reply is still on unread. 

 

You are totally overthinking this.  Depending on your phone carrier and phone app, some texts do not go through!  Call her or send another text.  I can honestly say I've missed texts, and my hubs has gotten texts days later.

[yogacat]

16 hours ago, SophiaG said:

No need to go for more fun activities or romantic gestures before you know where this is going. I feel a lot of this frustration stemmed from your assumptions and overthinking of her texting behavior.

I agree. I think you're too in your head and you're forecasting things 7 days down the line.

To begin with, her reply, since she is replying to you, it means she isn't totally disinterested. She had no obligation to reply to you.  She did take the time to reply to previous texts even though she could have just ignored them.

You've been on two dates and then you went on vaca, so factoring in another meetup is valid. Assumptions like "continuing to string me along" is not healthy. 

Enjoy your Jazz Festival and report back. Stop over thinking things.