Leaving text messages unread for days

[jazz_lover]

I have had 2 dates with a woman. 

1st date: drinks and then dinner. 2nd date: musical 

1st one especially went very well and conversation flowed easily and she was very relaxed and charming and touchy feely holding my hand across the table and linking arms with me as we walked and when I went for the goodnight kiss she kissed me back. 2nd date wasn't the ideal setup as she wanted to change beforehand so only arrived 10 minutes before the performance and spent half the interval queuing for the restrooms and as it was a worknight after the show I walked her to her station. But she really enjoyed the show and from the second we sat down she took my hand and nuzzled up to me and even after clapping between musical numbers within seconds she was reaching for my hand again and we kissed a few times as well that evening. 

What I find a little confusing is that while she replies fairly promptly when it comes to scheduling dates the rest of the time she leaves messages unread for days. (You can see from the ticks as they only go blue when she opens the message). 

Then when she does get around to responding however they aren't one word answers and are generally thoughtful and engaging and conversational. But of course if I get drawn in and give a comprehensive reply then it is then another long protracted wait for a response all the while with my message sitting on unread. 

To give a few examples for context. After our first date I texted her an hour later saying I had a lovely time with her. She left it unread and it was only the following evening that she texted back to say she had a great time too and hoped to see me again soon and it was a bank holiday so not a working day or anything. 

After our second date she texted me shortly afterwards saying she got home safe and thanked me for the lovely evening. I texted back saying she's very welcome and I enjoyed her company and the show a lot. 

Two days later she texts asking how my weekend was and whether I got my travel plans sorted (as my visa approval was delayed). I replied about six hours later saying I did and only missed a day of the jazz festival in the end and enquired after her weekend. This time she did reply the same day telling me some details about her weekend and asking me how the jazz festival was and saying I should send her some travel photos and tell me all about it.

I didn't get this until the end of the day as I was trying to avoid data roaming charges but when I did I responded sending some photos, telling her a little bit about the jazz festival and the trip, and making some brief comments in response to what she said about her weekend.

Three days later and my reply is still on unread. 

Logically I am telling myself that we've only had a few dates and she probably has a lot of friends and family texting her and there is nothing in my texts requiring a response and she knows I am on holiday and therefore also busy. And I will be back in a week so if she wants to see me again she can do so then so there is no need to be pen pals and she did initiate the text asking about my weekend and my holiday which shows she was thinking about me and if she wasn't interested she just wouldn't have bothered texting me again after the courtesy message thanking me for the second date. 

But she could have simply texted back saying something like "Photos look great. Enjoy the rest of your trip!" and then I would get the message and wait until I am back to ask her out. 

And assuming she does respond later this week I am not sure what to do then. Should I also wait days before responding? And should I short circuit all the protracted back and forth by finishing my response with something like "Enjoy the rest of your week and hope to see you when I'm back"? At least that way it finishes the conversation and then I can just invite her on a date when I am back. Or is that a bit dismissive when her replies if very delayed continue to be conversational? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Kwothe28]

Nobody needs 3 days to text you back. If they forget about you for 3 days, then you arent on their mind at al and it isnt worth your troubles.

25 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

Should I also wait days before responding?

No, please dont play games. I dont know if she does that but its not worth it. Just either dont text her at all or even better, say that this doesnt work out for you. There is no point when you have to wait for 3 days for somebody to respond your messages.

[jazz_lover]

We’ve only had a few dates and she’s a fairly recent graduate new to London so has probably overextended herself with networking and socialising and dating maybe isn’t a big priority. Perhaps she leaves them unread because she thinks it is better than reading and not responding? Or she’d rather think out a proper response than firing off a quick and thoughtless response ?

And I guess if you are someone who prefers not to have extended text conversations during the dating process and would rather get to know someone face to face it can be tricky to discourage too much unwanted texting without seeming dismissive or uninterested or cold. 

Although I guess you’re right if she was super into me maybe she would be thinking about me a lot and wanting to feel close to me through more regular texting. 
 

 

[smackie9]

Here's the deal...some people are not interested in texting to build a romantic connection. They spend their time texting for the purpose of things like work, school, etc. This is something you have to accept with her. She keeps accepting dates, then there is interest, that's all you need to know.

Now if your love language is texting to build connection, you are dating the wrong lady.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Here's the deal...some people are not interested in texting to build a romantic connection. They spend their time texting for the purpose of things like work, school, etc. This is something you have to accept with her. She keeps accepting dates, then there is interest, that's all you need to know.

Now if your love language is texting to build connection, you are dating the wrong lady.

I have a close friend who is a bad texter- she'll leave me on read then respond to only part of what i wrote days later, then misunderstand things I write that only happens with her.  But she likes catching up by phone.  I think she gets distracted/forgets -but also seems to show she cares about me a great deal in other ways. If she's responding to texts to make and confirm plans and so far showing up etc I say it's fine.

[Cherylyn]

Not everyone texts regularly even in this cell phone age.   Have a verbal phone chat and ask her questions.   Hope you receive the answers you're looking for. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, jazz_lover said:

Perhaps she leaves them unread because she thinks it is better than reading and not responding? Or she’d rather think out a proper response than firing off a quick and thoughtless response ?

I mean, as Kevin Garnett said "Anything is possible". Just dont believe anybody who would held an interest in you wouldnt respond for 3 days. She seems responsive, yes. So you could try asking for another date when you get back. It wont take up a notch from your head if you ask. Just hold low expectations when she cant even see what you sent in 3 days. Or see and doesnt want to respond aka "leave on read". 

[SophiaG]

Did you meet on a dating app? If so she might be overwhelmed by messages and chats. Or like you said she might be super busy with life and school - I've left some good friends "on read" or not read (but I've seen the notification) for days because I wanted to wait until I have some time to properly respond, but then just forgot. For a new love interest I agree it can mean low interest. Just ask her out when you get back and see if this trend continues. If things go well in person you can simply ask her if she dislikes texting or something.

[jazz_lover]

It's been almost 4 days now. She last messaged me on Sunday so maybe she is having a crazy work week and I might hear from her this weekend. 

Also if she does have any interest she will probably start wondering at some point when I am back from holiday as she doesn't know my travel dates and perhaps knowing I am on holiday and having fun she figures that I've got better things to do than wait for her to text back so hasn't prioritized it. 

We exchanged phone numbers so unless she gives her number out to a lot of guys I cannot imagine there being that many other messages competing for her attention. But even if she's only received a dozen or so messages from friends/other admirers/family in the meantime it would push me far enough down in her inbox that she wouldn't see my message unless she consciously scrolled down her inbox to clear it out.

But I suppose I have little to lose by asking her out when I am back. If she accept and is good company then I will only text her to ask her out on dates and wait for her to indicate that she wants to keep in touch between dates. If she says she is busy without making a counter-offer or doesn't respond then I know for sure where I stand. 

 

 

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Instead of asking us, ask her in person or on the phone.

You can't rely on texts  obviously.

[jazz_lover]

Yeah when I am back I can give her a call. That will also give me the chance to see if she is happy to hear from me and then I can decide whether it is worth asking her out again. 

[Starlight925]

She doesn't respond right away because she doesn't want to respond right away.

Quit making excuses for her.

I don't care how busy she is, a response takes LITERALLY 10 seconds.  Literally.

My guess is, she has other texts incoming to which she is responding, other things that are more interesting for her than you.

Sure, she snuggles up to you when you're together, but out of sight, out of mind.

This all reads to me that she's just not that into you.  

Sorry to be so blunt, but I'd let this one go.

 

[ShySoul]

I have sent two texts in my life. I have never replied to anyone's texts. Some people aren't interested in texting.

Life happens. Friends, family, work can all keep you busy. An emergency can happen. Someone can forget their phone some place. Not everyone is tied to their machine day and night and feels the need to instantly respond to everthing.

She seems like a person who enjoys long and detailed coversations. She may also be the kind that likes to think about things first and then give a well thought out response. Text is not the medium for that. So rather then be upset about it, change the medium to something more suitable. Text is not the only way to communicate. I've engaged in long email chains with people I've been interested in. It allowed us to really open up as we could take the time to put thought into each message. Even better is just calling a person and talking to them. You get direct contact, hearing their voice. I've spent hours on the phone with someone, forming a deeper connection in that time that any number of texts could have given us.

Also note that while you are waiting and wondering why she isn't texting back, you're missing out on the opportunity to communicate with her again. Be a rebel and surprise her with a call. Keep up the contact yourself rather then assume things, let any momentum crash, and lead you to feel like giving up.

 

[Darlington]

2 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

 

This all reads to me that she's just not that into you

This is also what I am reading from your situation. It takes maximum 30 seconds to reply to a text. Also, most smartphones today enable you to screen and read a message without actually opening it. I do it a lot, when I am not ready to reply. This makes the message appear unread to the sender, even when I have read it. 

You said she is a recent graduate, so I am going to assume she is under 30? Making her Gen-z or a Millennial. How many of this said group are away from their phones for longer than a couple of hours?

The other thing I will mention is, nothing is sweeter than when you have a little crush on someone and they think of you and message you while they are out of the country. It shows you're on their mind and makes you feel a little special that you can hold their attention, even with an ocean between you. 

If your messages are not evoking anything for her, to the point where she can't even bother to open your messages (because I'm pretty sure she can screen read them) Then, I'm sorry to say: she's probably not that into you.

Ps. If you're the one paying for all the dates, make sure you're not being used. 

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, Darlington said:

You said she is a recent graduate, so I am going to assume she is under 30? Making her Gen-z or a Millennial. How many of this said group are away from their phones for longer than a couple of hours?

Actually Gen Z is starting to try to break away from the phone addiction. More of them are looking to buy "dumb phones." And even if the majority prefer text, there is a larger number that don't and the number is growing. They also don't see the need to answer texts right away.

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2024/apr/27/the-boring-phone-stressed-out-gen-z-ditch-smartphones-for-dumbphones#:~:text=“However%2C there is evidence of,digital world%2C for instance.”

https://theconversation.com/gen-z-goes-retro-why-the-younger-generation-is-ditching-smartphones-for-dumb-phones-204992

https://www.reddit.com/r/GenZ/comments/1aj4arm/do_gen_zs_not_answer_texts_anymore_but_do_phone/

 

[jazz_lover]

I think she probably does at least read the preview as she responds a lot quicker when it comes to scheduling dates etc. And she has a smartphone. 

Thinking about it, it is a little bizarre. Our last date was last Wednesday over a week ago and afterwards she texted me thanking me for a lovely evening. 

So there was no real need for her to text me last weekend asking whether I'd sorted my travel plans and how my weekend was going. And when I replied back saying I'd made it to the USA and only missed one day of the jazz festival and enquired about her weekend she replied within about five or six hours and  sent me back to back texts saying what she'd done on each day of the weekend, sending me a photo of some pretty cocktails she'd had on Friday, asking specifically about the jazz festival and saying I have to tell her all about my trip and send her some photos with lots of exclamation marks etc. So clearly inviting a response. 

And in my experience generally when a woman has low or only lukewarm interest she never initiates texts and her replies are terse, to the point, and not at all conversational. 

Perhaps her logic is that she wasn't in the headspace to provide a proper response and didn't want to give a rushed generic response such as "Nice photos! Enjoy the rest of your trip!" so will instead try to find some time over the weekend to craft a more detailed response similar to the ones she sent last weekend. 

But I think if I don't hear from her over the weekend then I probably have been forgotten or something has changed on her side (new romantic prospect etc) 

 

 

[yogacat]

Stop texting her and just call and ask her out when you get back from your holiday. If she is still interested she will respond and set up a date with you, if she doesn't then you have your answer and can move on.

[DarkCh0c0]

Let's simplify it.

I agree with @yogacat

Ask her out once you're back. If it's a no, you know it was low interest and you move on. If it's a yes, you go on a date and bring up her texting preference. It would be a conversation to have to clear the air so to speak. Part of building a bond with someone is being able to have an honest conversation with them. And if she's interested, then maybe it would be a good time to ask for exclusivity.

[Darlington]

11 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Gen Z is starting

Maybe....but not quite there yet. I work with this generation, and it's no criticism to them but the majority of them are glued to their phones. As are many adults as more and more services become digitalised. 

[ShySoul]

On 9/6/2024 at 10:58 AM, Darlington said:

Maybe....but not quite there yet. I work with this generation, and it's no criticism to them but the majority of them are glued to their phones. As are many adults as more and more services become digitalised. 

Revolutions don't happen overnight.

If records can become popular, anything is possible. 😉

[ShySoul]

On 9/6/2024 at 6:43 AM, jazz_lover said:

But I think if I don't hear from her over the weekend then I probably have been forgotten or something has changed on her side (new romantic prospect etc) 

Just call. All the time wondering is time that could be spent talking.

From the sounds of it she does like talking with you and has made plenty of effort. You don't know what is happening. Maybe she just got busy with the trip and is distracted by all the distractions of life. Assuming she suddenly lost interest is going to cause it to happen.

Call. Talk. Enjoy and have fun. It's better then waiting around and doing nothing.

Hope you have heard from her.

[rainbowsandroses]

12 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Call. Talk. Enjoy and have fun. It's better then waiting around and doing nothing.

^This is assuming she answers the phone.

I tend to think if someone isn't replying to a text message (from phone) they're not going to be inclined to actually answer the phone.

I often don't even hear my phone unless it's right if front of me usually when I'm texting!

@jazz_loveryou can call but be prepared if she doesn't answer which imo is more likely than not and thus you're now even more anxious waiting for her to call back. 

JMO. 

Keep us posted! 

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This is assuming she answers the phone.

Geez, you had to point out the one flaw in my argument, didn't you? 😅

I'm old fashioned, but I think a call shows a little extra effort. I'd be more inclined to pick up thinking it was important or at least call back when I heard the message. 

Can't know what will happen unless you try though. I'd exhaust all my options and if I still got nothing, then I'd call it a day knowing I did everything I possible could. Anything else would be on her.

@jazz_lover Good luck. Hoping for good news.

[jazz_lover]

Afraid I have nothing to report. I am a bit bummed. I thought there was a chance that over the weekend she might find time to catch up on non-urgent texts and her last message was sent to me on a Sunday. 

I suspect if she screens texts she also screens calls. And cold calling her might backfire if she seems it as an attempt to pin her down and if she can't be bothered much with texting I cannot see her being bothered to listen to a voice message or return a call. 

So I am leaning towards a simple text when I am back saying something like "Hey! Back in the UK. There's a cool art exhibition I wanted to see this weekend. Would you like to accompany me?"

Still a bit mystified though what is going on here. And while the acid test is what happens when I ask her out again it is difficult not to speculate.

Lack of interest seems the most obvious explanation. But if that is the case why bother texting me last weekend? She'd already thanked me for the date a few days earlier. 

So why bother asking whether I'd been able to sort my travel plans and then when I confirmed I'd been able to fly out on the 30th August only missing a day of the jazz festival asked follow up questions about the jazz festival and said I had to send her photos and tell her all about the trip. Even if she was just being polite she must have realized she was inviting a response. 

Maybe she is placing herself in my shoes and thinking that I will be too busy having fun for texting and when she said I have to tell her all about it and send photos she meant for me to do so after I was back?

Or perhaps she is exploring other dating options while I am away and other guys have stolen a march on me and it is a case of out of sight out of mind and she will take me more seriously when I am back in the country and asking her out. 

Anyway I think I would heard from her by now if she intended to respond. So will wait patiently until Thursday and text her (probably a bit overeager if I land on Wednesday and text her the same day). 

 

 

[yogacat]

Do what you feel most comfortable with.

If texting her again when you return and asking her out is less anxiety provoking for you then give it a try.

Not saying this is the case because who the heck knows but there IS dating advice floating around out there geared towards women that says when a man you just start dating goes on vacation immediately following your dates see if he reaches out to you and plans another date.

According to this advice, this is an indicator of true interest and desire to see her again.

However, I personally find this advice to be a little bit manipulative and prefer letting things unfold naturally.

OTOH, I recall becoming frustrated when a man I had started dating he'd text/call a lot but slow to ask me out. Eventually my interest waffled.

So it's really up to you how you want to handle it. Just be prepared for whatever she may say or do in response.

Thing is, there is not really a rule of thumb concerning the frequency of texting with someone you like. It does depend on who you are, who they are, and what the dynamic of the relationship in general is. Maybe she is dating someone else while you're away on vacation. Who knows.

If it's been an entire week and she hasn't replied to you yet, the more you text her with no answer, the less control over the situation and will make guys frustrated. If she doesn't write back after two messages at most, move on and don't let your dignity drop in anxiety - not worth it.