rainbowsandroses Posted September 8 Share Posted September 8 2 hours ago, Morello said: If lesbian porn hugely turns you on like that, you might not be the 100% hetero you think you are. ^^ The type of lesbian porn I enjoy watching is soft, sensual, erotic massaging and such. I also fantasize about the p*nis and male/female PIV sex, I just don't particularly enjoy watching it in porn except with boyfriends as I said. I don't need porn to fantasize, I have an extremely active and colorful imagination! And I fantasize about LOTS of things! But heck I am bipolar so perhaps sexually I am bisexual! Who the heck knows, my sexuality is fluid and all encompassing, I don't rule anything out! 😂 Well I take that back, I do rule some things out like sex with animals, children and inanimate objects but hopefully you know what I mean.. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted September 8 Share Posted September 8 46 minutes ago, ShySoul said: @Cariadmawr If you ever read this, sorry about the debate your thread became I'm with you there. These threads sometimes devolve and derail into debates that don't actrually address the OP at all and they seem to abandon the chat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted September 8 Share Posted September 8 19 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: I have an extremely active and colorful imagination! And I fantasize about LOTS of things! As I believe you said earlier, the brain is the largest erogenous zone. I push my fantasies as far as they will go. There is an entire multiverse living in my head filled with every color in a box of crayola. Pretty sure some of them would surprise people I know.😲 Imagination is a wonderful gift. And now I really hope no one here develops the powers of telepathy.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 8 Share Posted September 8 OP I wanted to return to something you wrote early on to which I responded but briefly. With all respect and this is shored up by what others have written here -asking how "men" view porn and specifically whether you should believe that he was thinking of you and/or views porn in order to enhance his strong attraction to you - please try your best not to categorize "men" with rare exception -you married an individual person and sounds like for very specific reasons and to me he deserves to be treated if at all possible as an individual. Especially when it comes to matters of sexuality and how he expresses himself sexually. Going down the path of asking whether all more most men react in a certain way also devalues that you married an individual person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted September 8 Share Posted September 8 13 hours ago, Morello said: Sexuality is about what interests you (and turns you on), not what you decide to do with it. If lesbian porn hugely turns you on like that, you might not be the 100% hetero you think you are. Well, I believe you can watch the same sex porn and not necessarily be gay or bisexual. It is just sleeping with women or having feelings for them that one might quite not be 100% straight... Sometimes, too, people do experiment with same-sex relationships and find they're not for them. I'm not sure even sleeping with a person of the same gender necessarily means bi-sexual or gay. I often say that the ultimate test of one's sexual orientation is not which sex one has sex with (or who one prefers sexually)—it's how one truly feels. But the mere watching can simply come from mere curiosity or even an intention to achieve better sexual performance in one's hetero relationship, not necessarily from any kind of attraction. It's just all semantics. The real question is always “What do I want?” On 9/3/2024 at 5:43 AM, Cariadmawr said: Thanks for your advice and opinions. I have had my doubts that he is just saying that he doesn’t find the women attractive to save my feelings. Although, if I’m honest it’s just making it worse as I feel that he is insulting my intelligence. He is adamant that he didn’t watch porn for arousal and only to look at the act (certain position) to trigger a memory. Apparently it helped him to remember the sounds and feeling easier by watching a couple in the same position. He said that as he is circumcised and masturbating without lubricant can be painful, he tries to think about the memory and feeling of actual sex as that is what will get him to orgasm quicker than relying on just the video. I kind of understand that reasoning but am really struggling to believe that he can watch naked women and not find them arousing or attractive, even if it is a secondary part of his thinking during masturbation. Do all men find the women in these videos attractive or can it be just a means to an end by looking at the act? The above point, I think, is relevant because just because one's husband watches porn from time to time doesn't mean that he will suddenly leave one for another woman. Eventually, attacking pornography is not going to help solve whatever problem it is that you're facing with your partner. It is my feeling that you feel threatened if your husband happens to find other women attractive... It does sound like you're simply refusing to accept that this may, in fact, be what has happened; you've indoctrinated yourself with this expectation that partners should find each other to be the 'one' only attractive person in the world. Also, FWIW, watching porn is non-participatory. Yes, the sex in the porn may turn a person on, but the actual human experience side is completely removed from watching porn, by definition. IF your husband is regularly watching porn and he no longer finds you attractive, sure, that's a major red flag. It centers on the relationship, not the porn. But I think the videos are analogous to frequent masturbation (without porn) with the goal of releasing oneself from the clutches of certain sexual impulses. It's natural. I will note though, there is a difference between masturbation to regular porn, and people masturbating to more addictive, rough hardcore porn. If it's borderline addiction then it might fit your additional feelings of concern. If it makes him an addict, it's bad regardless of how much it "offends" people, in my opinion. There is a documentary about dietary sugar consumption which talks about how the sugar lobby messed with science so to create enough confusion to guide public policy in its favor. This prompted a major debate. Don’t make a similar mistake: don't confuse your personal interpretation of your husband possibly finding other women attractive with him intrinsically as a person no longer finding you gasp worthy (only then is it a problem as no relationship is going to survive that). Still, if you have very strong opinions about not wanting your husband to watch sexual content and pornography in general it's going to be a problem for you and we can't expect you to get any less upset about it. It's your view of sex and personal monogamy--and a valid one. But he might not have the same view and this is where the difference of perspectives other people have will ultimately collide with you; you're not him, you don't value what turns him on or off.🤷 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted September 8 Share Posted September 8 15 minutes ago, yogacat said: you've indoctrinated yourself with this expectation that partners should find each other to be the 'one' only attractive person in the world. On 9/3/2024 at 6:49 AM, Cariadmawr said: It’s one thing to think a film star is pretty and another if they are lusting over another women’s body and achieving sexual gratification from doing so. I don’t watch porn and can honestly say I don’t find other men sexually attractive. I might notice a good looking guy on telly or in the street but my mind doesn’t think any more than that. I feel betrayed if he was lusting over others as I believe that should be something that is exclusively for your parter. That’s just my opinion and how I feel about my marriage. I think she is okay with him finding someone attractive. It's carrying that feeling further that is the issue. Saying "oh, she's pretty" is a lot different then wanting to view them naked and doing intimate things with another person. The issues stem from lust and trust. Honestly, everything here is all speculation. We don't know why he is watching it. He may be telling the truth and using at as a visual aid to help him mentally set a scene placing her in the role of the actress. Or he may be lusting after them. All we know is that she isn't happy. @Cariadmawr, talk to him. Really have a discussion on what love, sex, and porn mean for YOU, each of year. Try to see things from each others perspective. Come to a compromise if possible. But neither of you should sacrifice your values. You both deserve the relationship you want, the one that will give you the most happiness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted September 8 Share Posted September 8 1 hour ago, yogacat said: I often say that the ultimate test of one's sexual orientation is not which sex one has sex with (or who one prefers sexually)—it's how one truly feels. ^^Totally agree yogacat. Speaking for myself since @Morello sort of challenged my sexuality; watching porn between women, imagining sex between women or between women and men or whatever which way is a fantasy. I have fantasized about threesomes as well but have absolutely zero desire to engage in real life. To clarify I have never developed romantic feelings for a woman, never "fallen in love" with a woman, never had a romantic relationship with a woman nor was ever tempted to. I simply enjoy the sexual fantasy. That said I did not take offense at your post@Morello and if I'm honest not ruling anything out! Like I said my sexuality is fluid and I am open and flexible to just anything occurring as I proceed forward on my journey.😅 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted September 8 Share Posted September 8 18 minutes ago, ShySoul said: I think she is okay with him finding someone attractive. It's carrying that feeling further that is the issue. Saying "oh, she's pretty" is a lot different then wanting to view them naked and doing intimate things with another person. The issues stem from lust and trust. You're talking about fantasies, she's asking from a fantasy perspective AND physical attraction: Quote "Do men think about their wives when masturbating and watching porn? Can they watch naked women on porn and not feel aroused and attracted to the actresses in the video?" Quote "Do all men find the women in those videos attractive or is it just a means to an end by looking at the act?" She would feel betrayed were he lusting over others, hence doing something she believes should be reserved for one's partner. A fantasy is a daydream with erotic potential. The problem that partners sometimes have is understanding that fantasies aren't necessarily something we'd actually like to do. It's when it shifts to the territory of obsession that it's problematic. It is also a problem when it is not clear whether it is acceptable to dream about someone else besides one's partner since it depends upon the set of values and principles a person considers good for them. For her, being sexually attracted to someone other than her (i.e. him getting sexually aroused from looking at another woman) is not acceptable because, in her opinion, it crosses her boundaries: On 9/3/2024 at 6:49 AM, Cariadmawr said: I feel betrayed if he was lusting over others as I believe that should be something that is exclusively for your parter. That’s just my opinion and how I feel about my marriage. For him, he said that this helps him to remember the sounds and feelings of the memories of him and him wife's past intimacy. Maybe he had a spicy viewing experience while there and wants to recreate something better or different-maybe kinkier-it's a fantasy. One fantasy does not mean that someone isn't 100% committed to his or her partner. Whatever your boundaries @Cariadmawr, you will have to state clearly to your husband that fantasizing about someone other than you crosses your values and boundaries. Then, he gets to a) accept it, b) undo his fantasies in order to honor you and bridge the gap or, c) get frustrated by it until he just says "hey I love ya dear and I won't look at anyone." It is not really up to any of us to tell you or your husband how inappropriate or appropriate it is when it comes to attraction or fantasy. One could fantasize about them-even though they wouldn't actually pursue it-because they have the sexual attributes they fantasize about. That is noteworthy, because being sexually attracted to a person is one thing, while human appreciation-through the means of admiration, fondness, or sexual fantasy-is quite another in that it does not suggest further involvement. It was originally asked: Quote "Do guys think of their wives whenever they masturbate and watch porn? Guys, can you watch naked women on the porn and not get turned on, not even find those actresses in the video attractive? That sounds to me like you're uncomfortable with your husband finding anyone other than you attractive. Of course, I could be wrong, but assuming for instance that I am not, that is no healthy outlook on a long-lasting, happy relationship. That would mean you truly believe he instinctively should just shut off his attraction sensors to all others but you throughout his life. In theory, nice, but highly unrealistic. Not that you won't find someone that agrees with you, but more importantly that your husband is 100% on board with your feelings on this subject. Maybe wheels may turn more smoothly if you share with him how it makes you feel to the roots and try to get him to empathize with what he would not find comfortable if he were in your shoes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted September 8 Share Posted September 8 22 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: ^^Totally agree yogacat. Speaking for myself since @Morello sort of challenged my sexuality; watching porn between women, imagining sex between women or between women and men or whatever which way is a fantasy. I have fantasized about threesomes as well but have absolutely zero desire to engage in real life. To clarify I have never developed romantic feelings for a woman, never "fallen in love" with a woman, never had a romantic relationship with a woman nor was ever tempted to. I simply enjoy the fantasy. That said I did not take offense at your post@Morello and if I'm honest not ruling anything out! Like I said my sexuality is fluid and I am open and flexible to just anything occurring as I proceed forward on my journey.😅 I hear you. Sexuality is so fluid. Like, I am 100% hetero but I find Troye Sivan (who is homosexual) very attractive because he looks so "pretty and feminine" and I find that he oozes sex appeal. Does that make me less hetero, no? I'm still attracted to men, just one example that happens to be homosexual and more "feminine" in appearance and mannerisms. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted September 8 Share Posted September 8 Thread has run its course. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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