Do men think of wife / partner when watching porn?

[Jaunty]

On 9/3/2024 at 2:35 PM, Cariadmawr said:

I  think everyone notices and acknowledges when someone is attractive but that’s where it ends. There’s should be no further thoughts of that person if you are in a committed relationship. Those are my boundaries in a marriage. I appreciate that this may not be the same for other couples though. I believe that viewing porn and fantasising about sex with others is crossing that line. 

Then you are incompatible with this man, obviously.  I'm sorry that it has taken you 15 years to find out.

Since he's obviously been choking his chicken with visual aids for a long time, unbeknownst to you, can you pinpoint any ways that this negatively impacted your marriage?  

It's a shame that now the truth has been revealed that you'll have to move on from this marriage.  But, you know what's up now and no amount of sleuthing is going to get you to the point where you can control his thoughts.  

[ShySoul]

18 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

What did men do before porn existed?  A lot of the stuff in porn is aggressive, degrading and downright painful for women.  A lot of women assume their partners are watching this stuff behind their backs, but it's when these acts and attitudes are brought into their lives that it is a problem.  I do not want to be spat upon, slapped, have a hand around my throat etc - all without asking - but this is what has happened to me.  

Sorry this happened to you. No person should have anything like that happening if it's not mutually agreed upon. I hope this person is long gone from your life.

That is the problem with porn. It desensitises people, disconnects them from reality. A little fantasy can be okay. But the line can so easily be blurred. It creeps up on you without you realizing it. You grow bored with one thing and need something new and more extreme to get the same thrill. You find a wilder fetish. And before long you go down the rabbit hole to things you would have never thought of. And with how easy it is too access, people think nothing of it. People these days get educated on sex through porn, which is a very limited, non-realistic standard upon which to learn.

Yes, you can say it is the viewer choosing these acts. But porn works like any other drug. It affects your mind. Repeat a lie enough times and people will think it's true. See sex in a particular way enough, and some people will think it's normal. And most porn does delve into the rougher side of things, which can be troubling for what that teaches it's views to accept.

https://fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-can-promote-sexual-violence/

[rainbowsandroses]

11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

That is SO weird -to me. Because I literally was thinking of that example this morning to provide in this thread and for whatever reason chose not to.  Maybe because it lacks the "visual?"  but to me personally imagination is just as good or better than visual with novels LOL. Did not read or see 50 shades but obviously great reference.

Well, it's been said that the brain is the largest and most powerful sex organ in the body so yes agree Batya.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

Sorry this happened to you. No person should have anything like that happening if it's not mutually agreed upon. I hope this person is long gone from your life.

That is the problem with porn. It desensitises people, disconnects them from reality. A little fantasy can be okay. But the line can so easily be blurred. It creeps up on you without you realizing it. You grow bored with one thing and need something new and more extreme to get the same thrill. You find a wilder fetish. And before long you go down the rabbit hole to things you would have never thought of. And with how easy it is too access, people think nothing of it. People these days get educated on sex through porn, which is a very limited, non-realistic standard upon which to learn.

Yes, you can say it is the viewer choosing these acts. But porn works like any other drug. It affects your mind. Repeat a lie enough times and people will think it's true. See sex in a particular way enough, and some people will think it's normal. And most porn does delve into the rougher side of things, which can be troubling for what that teaches it's views to accept.

https://fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-can-promote-sexual-violence/

SS, jmo but it's not the porn that promotes violence but the person watching the porn.

Everything in moderation and if one allows it to control their thoughts and actions to the point it negative impacts their relationship or marriage, or causes them to become violent, that's on them.

It's about taking personal responsibility as an adult for the decisions and choices we make and how we allow those choices to affect us.

I feel that way about drug use, alcohol use and smoking cigarettes as well, and my mom died from emphysema due to smoking!   And she would agree with me too and never blamed the cigarettes.

And for every website you link with the cons, there are websites promoting it -- again in moderation. 

I'm not a huge proponent of porn necessarily I'm just saying it's about personal choice and responsibility.

JMO.

 

 

 

[Tinydance]

11 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

SS, jmo but it's not the porn that promotes violence but the person watching the porn.

Everything in moderation and if one allows it to control their thoughts and actions to the point it negative impacts their relationship or marriage, or causes them to become violent, that's on them.

It's about taking personal responsibility as an adult for the decisions and choices we make and how we choose to allow our choices to affect us.

I feel that way about drug use, alcohol use and smoking cigarettes as well, and my mom died from emphysema due to smoking!   And she would agree with me too and never blamed the cigarettes.

And for every website you link with the cons, there are websites promoting it -- again in moderation. 

I'm not a huge proponent of porn necessarily I'm just saying it's about personal choice and responsibility.

JMO.

 

 

 

Yes agree with all of this. I mean in all honesty many things can be an addiction. And there's the belief that people can have an addictive personality. For example one person might go for Friday after work drinks with colleagues every week and have one or two drinks and that's all. But someone else will have a drink and they'll become an alcoholic. Of course there are things that can be more addictive than others. Gambling, shopping, food, alcohol, porn. But not everyone will A) Get addicted to it and B) Act violent because of it.

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

And most porn does delve into the rougher side of things, which can be troubling for what that teaches it's views to accept.

Actually the most consumed category of porn is "lipstick lesbians" having sex.   Evidently both men and women enjoy it.   Just regular lesbian type of sex.   

Also "real people" porn is super popular.  Everyday people doing the dirty deed.  

Unfortunately "teen" is a very popular search.   Hopefully these videos don't feature actual teenagers.   Also "Milf" is sought after.

Hardcore BDSM really is a kink and only for a smallish niche.  

[ShySoul]

4 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Actually the most consumed category of porn is "lipstick lesbians" having sex.   Evidently both men and women enjoy it.   Just regular lesbian type of sex.   

Also "real people" porn is super popular.  Everyday people doing the dirty deed.  

Unfortunately "teen" is a very popular search.   Hopefully these videos don't feature actual teenagers.   Also "Milf" is sought after.

Hardcore BDSM really is a kink and only for a smallish niche.  

That's easy to explain. Lesbians would naturally be more interested in lesbians. Women in general would prefer probably prefer the softer nature then the rougher male stuff. And men will watch it because you get more women and less distracting male.  So it appeals across the board.

By rougher I don't mean BDSM. I just mean things that are rougher in general. It's "pounding" or f'ing someone. It's, as you put it, "dirty." It's spanking or slapping. It's not the gentle making love to someone. Well, unless you specifically search out that category and I wonder where that places on the list.

And it's done this way on purpose. Because there is no emotional connection they have to amp up everything else to keep your attention. They have to make it as visually appealing as possible. So the actors are more endowed and more vocal. Everything is easy. Everyone is available. Everyone is up for anything and enjoys it. It's unrealistic and encourages a certain mindset that can be damaging for people to develop. It can set unrealistic expectations for a relationship.

Again, that doesn't apply to everyone. Some people are okay with it and can separate fantasy and reality. But there are a shocking number of people who can't. 

And again I wonder, if you have a relationship, have a real live person there with whom you can share the wonders of sex and just simple love with, why do you want to turn to emotionless porn that will never really fulfill you or give you the same sense of joy and happiness? 

 

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

SS, jmo but it's not the porn that promotes violence but the person watching the porn.

Everything in moderation and if one allows it to control their thoughts and actions to the point it negative impacts their relationship or marriage, or causes them to become violent, that's on them.

It's not the gun that shoots people, it's the person pulling the trigger. But they couldn't have shot them if they didn't have the gun in the first place.

I don't think it falls all on the person watching it. I think there are many layers to the issue. Every person involved plays a role  The companies making it and what they choose to promote. The actors involved. And the viewer. 

And yes, some porn promotes excessive amounts of violence and is horrible degrading. Degrading to women and men. I don't see how snuff films are anything but promoting violence or how any amount of moderation would be okay.

I've never said all porn was bad or that a couple couldn't watch it. I've even said some couples could find it useful. I've said it's a couples choice and that they should do what they are comfortable with as a couple, having the same compatiblity.

But I'm not going to deny the dark side of the industry and just say it's perfectly harmless. I'm not going to blame people watching without holding the industry itself and the content responsible for it's role in a lot of messed up situations. 

In my mind and heart, sex is about love. It's all about emotion. It's more then just a physical act. If you actually have that, you don't need what has been described, not just by me, as emotionless. 

Imaginary, emotionless and unrealistic scenarios on a screen? Or the person who loves, understands me and is by my side? I'll gladly give give up the former for the latter anyday,

 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 

Y

 

4 hours ago, ShySoul said:

And yes, some porn promotes excessive amounts of violence and is horrible degrading. Degrading to women and men. I don't see how snuff films are anything but promoting violence or how any amount of moderation would be okay.

Yes and some movies and tv shows and video games do as well and there is nothing at all healthy about cigarettes even in moderation but in our world they are available but decisions are made not to get rid of all of it.  I had a poster of John Stamos on my wall as a teenager (my sister had Jim Morrison from the Doors prior to that) -we absolutely had crushes on them for visual reasons mostly. Big deal they were fully dressed in the posters and not doing any sex acts - we had  those posters mostly becuase they were eye candy and I'm sure we each had our fantasy crush.

Had zero impact on our ability to find teenage boys and then men to date who looked nothing like them -not anywhere near that level of hotness/attractiveness and to feel all the healthy romantic feelings -we compartmentalized I suppose (others may approach it differently -others who also have a normal healthy relationship with themselves and their feelings of physical or sexual attraction or crushes). 

I met three really handsome celebrities in person -around 20 years ago -and one I had just a quick greeting with and the other two a much longer conversation and multiple conversations over time because it was part of my work. 

Of course I found them attractive and it was exciting but no I wouldn't have acted on those feelings in any way or that attraction.  Because I'm an adult who makes choices. It's a true slippery slope to proclaim that any porn watching will lead to watching porn that promotes sex with children or violence. 

Yes I personally would have no interaction with anyone who watched child porn or BDSM or like that but I'd never assume that a person who enjoyed being turned on by Fifty Shades of Grey or a John Stamos poster or a movie with sex acts/nudity would presumably go there to child porn.  Apples and oranges  to me.  Just like I don't think because my son drinks soda once in awhile he's going to make unhealthy choices like drinking only soda, trying cigarettes (he says no way -no interest), or eating only candy all day.  If he was a person with a mental health issue and prone to going to excess then sure -I'm talking about reasonably stable healthy people.

[Jaunty]

10 hours ago, ShySoul said:

 

And again I wonder, if you have a relationship, have a real live person there with whom you can share the wonders of sex and just simple love with, why do you want to turn to emotionless porn that will never really fulfill you or give you the same sense of joy and happiness? 

 

Because it's not either / or, and it's actually quite surprising to me when I see how many people seem to think that it is.

Do you feel the same way about masturbation in general?  If you have a partner, that masturbation is "emotionless" sex that "will never really fulfill you or give you or give you the same sense of joy and happiness"?   And, thus, "bad"?

For the record, I don't even watch porn.  At times in my life I have indeed and I won't be surprised if I do sometime again.  Yes, I have a wonderful relationship.

I also watch trashy "true crime" on television often, when instead I know I could be watching a favorite Fellini film or whatever is critically acclaimed at the moment instead.  We pay for streaming service - it's all available all the time.

Also, shame on me:  I eat crappy food sometimes because I feel like it, even though I am highly capable and can afford to prepare lovely dishes or go to a fine restaurant.  

Bottom line for me is twofold:  

1) I am "sex positive" and believe that people who make sex movies, toys, work in the industry, etc need to be respected and not relegated to the trash heap or the "victim" department.  

2)  I am a very huge proponent of respecting the right that my partner, my child (now an adult - an outstanding one) and I myself have to privacy and absolute freedom for our minds to roam where they please.   

I'm a writer, I write all kinds of things and sometimes journal ambitiously.  My partner would NEVER try to "sneak" and read what I've written.  I often choose to share.  MY choice.  

The very mention of someone trying to control another person's thoughts makes my skin crawl.   

 

[redswim30]

3 hours ago, Jaunty said:

 

The very mention of someone trying to control another person's thoughts makes my skin crawl.   

 

Wholeheartedly agree!!!!  No one can control another person's thoughts.   You can't.  And every human being alive has "bad" "imperfect" "unsavory" thoughts all the time.  Someone not talking about them doesn't mean they don't have them. 

Every person alive needs some level of privacy.  I take issue in general with people acting like once you get married your spouse is your property to be "controlled".  I also get weary of fellow women who would cry bloody murder about a man attempting to control his wife, yet seem to take no issue with a woman attempting to control her husband.  It's gross.  And it's naive to act as though everyone has Pollyanna thoughts alone.  We all have complicated internal lives.   I guarantee that rarely do people voice every little thought that goes through their head, even with their closest people. 

It's very simple.  Don't marry someone you don't share the same values with.   Don't think you can change or control someone else.  Don't marry someone you don't trust.  And don't believe that being in a committed relationship means your partner will never ever find another human being- Funny, interesting, attractive, kind, caring, fun to be with, etc.   You just have to trust that they love you and are committed to you, no matter what.  If you DONT believe that, then why are you with them in the first place?

[Tinydance]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Y

 

Yes and some movies and tv shows and video games do as well and there is nothing at all healthy about cigarettes even in moderation but in our world they are available but decisions are made not to get rid of all of it.  I had a poster of John Stamos on my wall as a teenager (my sister had Jim Morrison from the Doors prior to that) -we absolutely had crushes on them for visual reasons mostly. Big deal they were fully dressed in the posters and not doing any sex acts - we had  those posters mostly becuase they were eye candy and I'm sure we each had our fantasy crush.

Had zero impact on our ability to find teenage boys and then men to date who looked nothing like them -not anywhere near that level of hotness/attractiveness and to feel all the healthy romantic feelings -we compartmentalized I suppose (others may approach it differently -others who also have a normal healthy relationship with themselves and their feelings of physical or sexual attraction or crushes). 

I met three really handsome celebrities in person -around 20 years ago -and one I had just a quick greeting with and the other two a much longer conversation and multiple conversations over time because it was part of my work. 

Of course I found them attractive and it was exciting but no I wouldn't have acted on those feelings in any way or that attraction.  Because I'm an adult who makes choices. It's a true slippery slope to proclaim that any porn watching will lead to watching porn that promotes sex with children or violence. 

Yes I personally would have no interaction with anyone who watched child porn or BDSM or like that but I'd never assume that a person who enjoyed being turned on by Fifty Shades of Grey or a John Stamos poster or a movie with sex acts/nudity would presumably go there to child porn.  Apples and oranges  to me.  Just like I don't think because my son drinks soda once in awhile he's going to make unhealthy choices like drinking only soda, trying cigarettes (he says no way -no interest), or eating only candy all day.  If he was a person with a mental health issue and prone to going to excess then sure -I'm talking about reasonably stable healthy people.

Totally agree with your post except one little thing. I'm not into BDSM myself and to be honest I'm not sure I'd be in a relationship with someone who was. I have no problem with it but I don't really see myself fully enjoying either the sub or dom role as I don't really relate to them. You seem to feel the same about BDSM and nothing wrong with that.

However I wouldn't put BDSM and child porn in the same category of being something horrible or something. Child porn is illegal and as children generally don't have a sexuality or want to have sex, it's rape. Torture and rape. BDSM on the other hand is between consenting adults (in theory). It's two adults who are both into it and they enjoy it. There are actually people who get really turned on if you treat them like your slave and I actually knew one woman who was a sub and completely wanted to be controlled and obey her partner. Like, he controlled her bank account etc. I know it sounds weird and I wouldn't want that but she enjoyed it.

[Tinydance]

I'm actually relieved that I'm not the only person who feels this way about porn. I mean, I understand it's always an individual opinion. But for a long time I felt like it was just me and I'd get a lot of women yelling at me about it on online forums. One woman said I was disgusting because I'm watching sex trafficking because porn is sex trafficking. And that I should be ashamed of myself.

But I don't see why porn has to be seen as only all evil? Like, yes there is porn where people were trafficked and there's child porn or snuff movies.

But now on Porn Hub you can only upload photos or videos if you get fully registered and verified with your ID. So the majority of the porn seems to be either professional porn actors or amateur people who make their own porn. And some porn is even just amateur people alone masturbating so they don't even get anyone involved in their porn. Like, there's all types of porn out there so you can't accuse a person that they condone trafficking or child porn if they watch it. I've actually never even seen rough sex videos because it's not even my thing. So I found it very offensive to be told I approve sex trafficking and so on.

[yogacat]

I'm a female, and I have watched porn, and thoughts of a current partner. Sometimes I found the actors attractive, but they physically looked similar to my irl partner. Everyone seeks variety. Look at the foods we eat. But, I didn't really do it for that reason. It was because I was so attracted to my partner, I wanted some "me time," and so, well....

How we have sex doesn't define our love or relationship self-worth-it's just an enjoyable part of life. Other people have a rather idealistic, chaste, and sanctimonious attitude toward sex in the belief that if the act of sex isn't between two humans face to face, it is wrong. Others might find it all right to watch porn or play with toys in order to vary things in their lives. Others will find it offending, disrespectful, and objectifying.

You find it wrong so Houston, we have a problem.

It would be naive of me to believe that my partner does not have sexual fantasies that do not involve me at times.

No one is going to change your opinion of your feelings on a sacred marriage. Some men take a glance and fantasize about other women at least for several seconds, while going out and passing each other.

But if this is your surefire deal-breaker, then so be it-your right to end the marriage.

[rainbowsandroses]

In the spirit of being forthcoming, my interest in watching porn solo (and *  😉 ) is limited to strictly female/female and no I am not a lesbian or bi!

Nor do I have any desire to be with a female in real life.  I am 100% hetero all the way!

Yet I enjoy and can get incredibly turned on when watching female/female porn. 

And no I'm not thinking of my boyfriend during this time, even when I've been crazy in love with him!  

Even when in a serious relationship I watch solo, all my boyfriends knew, and it actually turned them on just knowing! 

Or sometimes, more often actually, I don't even need to watch.  I can simply read something or hear something that triggers my imagination and I take it from there! 😲

It's 100% fantasy and a temporary escape.  My own private little world for a few moments.  

Watching male/female PIV porn does nothing for me typically when alone, I've watched with boyfriends and we incorporate it into our sexual experiences and it's enhanced our experiences!   

I agree with yoga, sex with a partner in a relationship can mean so many different things depending.

It can be how @ShySouldescribed, purely emotional and signifying our love and closeness and that's wonderful BUT...

it can also be hot, raw and dirty at times too devoid of emotion or anything else two people want it to be!! 

And that's OK!  Can even be good and healthy to mix it up like that!

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

However I wouldn't put BDSM and child porn in the same category of being something horrible or something. Child porn is illegal and as children generally don't have a sexuality or want to have sex, it's rape. Torture and rape. BDSM on the other hand is between consenting adults (in theory). It's two adults who are both into it and they enjoy i

I didn't - for me they are in the same category as it would be a dealbreaker for me in a romantic relationship.  I wouldn't have dated someone who was into watching BDSM (let alone participating).  It would be horrible for me to be married to someone and find out they were into that or watching it.I'm not commenting on what you are writing about it.

[Tinydance]

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I didn't - for me they are in the same category as it would be a dealbreaker for me in a romantic relationship.  I wouldn't have dated someone who was into watching BDSM (let alone participating).  It would be horrible for me to be married to someone and find out they were into that or watching it.I'm not commenting on what you are writing about it.

Oh yeah I get that. I don't think I would date someone into BDSM but it's only just coz it usually tends to be a whole lifestyle and I don't think I'd be living that lifestyle. But I have no problem with people doing it if they're doing with people who WANT to do it. And they don't hurt anyone in the sense that they don't force people into it. But to me it's not in the same category as child porn or bedtiality porn or something because I see those types of porn as actual race or abuse.

[Batya33]

Just now, Tinydance said:

Oh yeah I get that. I don't think I would date someone into BDSM but it's only just coz it usually tends to be a whole lifestyle and I don't think I'd be living that lifestyle. But I have no problem with people doing it if they're doing with people who WANT to do it. And they don't hurt anyone in the sense that they don't force people into it. But to me it's not in the same category as child porn or bedtiality porn or something because I see those types of porn as actual race or abuse.

Yes and I wasn't giving my opinion on that.  I have no problem hypothetically what two consenting adults do as long as it doesn't involve physical violence or self-harm.  I prefer not to associate with people who choose to do that in their sex lives and would tell me about it or where what they liked to do was connected in some way to that -we wouldn't have enough in common and I wouldn't feel comfortable being around that person in a friendship.  No judgment though.

[yogacat]

It's neat what everyone is attracted to. I could only watch porn that was "romantic" or "exotic/sensual /passionate" between a man and a woman. I like a little light kink here and there too. 😂 Not the heavy lifestyle though. 

When I'd watch in a relationship there was never any discussion about it. It was just understood it was something that I enjoyed and my partner was okay with it. He actually liked that I was open about my sexuality and felt secure in our relationship.

As for why I'm attracted to this type of porn, I think it's because it presents a more realistic and intimate depiction of sex. I enjoy watching two people genuinely enjoying each other's bodies and exploring their desires together. It's not just about physical pleasure, but also emotional connection.

I think it's important for individuals to explore and understand their own sexual preferences without feeling ashamed or judged. So, I can understand why your husband might be attracted to this type of porn as well. He may also enjoy the intimacy and connection portrayed in this type of porn, and it may enhance his own sexual experiences with you. 

I do think he was fibbing a bit when he said he isn't aroused or attracted to the porn actresses. While he may not have a strong attraction to them, it's not unheard of for men (and women) to find others attractive even when they are in a committed relationship. It's a natural and normal aspect of sexuality.

However, it doesn't mean that he wants to act on those attractions or that he doesn't find you attractive and desirable. 

That's what you're worried about, right? That he's lying and is actually thinking of these women when he's with you? 

[Jaunty]

I am certainly aware that the accessibility of porn really has been the trigger for many problems, including young men becoming inable to be aroused or satisfied by "normal" real women and sex because of the many hours they've spent on their own wanking to the often unrealistic visuals porn provides.   Also men who don't want to have sex because they like watching porn and masturbating better. 

Those are very unfortunate outcomes, but it doesn't mean (IMO) that PORN IS BAD and anybody who looks at it or heaven forbid, ENJOYS it, must be pretty messed up.  AND a cheater of some kind if they're in a relationship.

It means that people have f***ed up. 

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, Tinydance said:

But I don't see why porn has to be seen as only all evil?

It isn't, though. There are plenty of people out there who don't see it that way at all. 

There will always be people whose opinions are on opposite ends of the spectrum, that's true. But there are lots of folks out there whose opinions fall in the middle, such as you're finding here in this very thread. 

Our OP seems to have left the chat, but obviously her opinion differs from many of ours. She's perfectly entitled to those views, of course, but they sure aren't compatible with her husband's. 

[ShySoul]

On 9/6/2024 at 9:35 AM, Jaunty said:

Do you feel the same way about masturbation in general?  If you have a partner, that masturbation is "emotionless" sex that "will never really fulfill you or give you or give you the same sense of joy and happiness"?   And, thus, "bad"?

On 9/5/2024 at 11:12 PM, ShySoul said:

I've never said all porn was bad or that a couple couldn't watch it. I've even said some couples could find it useful. I've said it's a couples choice and that they should do what they are comfortable with as a couple, having the same compatiblity.

Wish people would actually read what I say instead of jumping to conclusions.

Respect a person's right to choose there own life. For some porn great. For others it is evil. And both views can be correct.

And yes, some porn is evil. Child porn, snuff films, the active degradition and humilation of people in scenes, behind the scenes horrors. https://exoduscry.com/articles/shocking-confessions/

Porn and masturbation aren't necessarily bad. But neither will give you the same level of fulfillment or happiness as making love to the person you are bonded with, with whom you share a soul tie to. It's literally two people becoming one in body, heart, mind, and soul. That unity and completeness transcend any orgasm, any kink, any fetish, and any act.

I'm sure that will be turned into how I'm anti-porn, anti-physical, and anti-sex. I'm sure that will be taken by some as not sex positive. But I value sex so much and am so pro-sex, that I see it as a pure demonstration of the thing that matters most in the word, that really unites a couple - love.

 

[Morello]

On 9/7/2024 at 8:42 AM, rainbowsandroses said:

In the spirit of being forthcoming, my interest in watching porn solo (and *  😉 ) is limited to strictly female/female and no I am not a lesbian or bi!

Nor do I have any desire to be with a female in real life.  I am 100% hetero all the way!

Err...

Sexuality is about what interests you (and turns you on), not what you decide to do with it. If lesbian porn hugely turns you on like that, you might not be the 100% hetero you think you are. Sexuality is a spectrum and a very individual and specific thing. But if you prefer to call yourself a 100% hetero, there is nothing wrong with that either. You describe yourself the way you want it. But it's important to realise that sexuality might be a bit more complicated than you seem to believe.

Also, I'm flabbergasted by some people here (like ShyShoul) who simply don't understand or accept that other people might have a different worldview than themselves. Like in "And again I wonder, if you have a relationship, have a real live person there with whom you can share the wonders of sex and just simple love with, why do you want to turn to emotionless porn that will never really fulfil you or give you the same sense of joy and happiness?"

You wonder because that differs from your worldview. People have different interests and ways of going about things. I think porn and sex with your partner are worlds apart - just to start, one act involves one person, and the other involves two. That on itself makes them very different things and with distinct goals. If anything, I wonder why you think everyone should feel/act the same, especially on something as complex as sexuality. Mind-boggling stuff. People are different, and no one needs to receive these "life lessons" solely based on individual sexual preferences. It's patronising, to say the least.

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, Morello said:

Also, I'm flabbergasted by some people here (like ShyShoul) who simply don't understand or accept that other people might have a different worldview than themselves.

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

I've never said all porn was bad or that a couple couldn't watch it. I've even said some couples could find it useful. I've said it's a couples choice and that they should do what they are comfortable with as a couple, having the same compatiblity.

I literally said in the post above yours that I was okay with people having a different view on using porn. I've repeated it many times throughout the entire thread. 

What I find flabbergasting is that people are so quick to judge someone who speaks from there heart about a view that runs counter to the majority, that they ignore what he is actually saying. 

1 hour ago, Morello said:

I think porn and sex with your partner are worlds apart - just to start, one act involves one person, and the other involves two. That on itself makes them very different things and with distinct goals.

I thought one of the arguments here was that porn can involve your partner, not that is was a solely act. And again, I've stated that if a couple chooses to do so, they are free to do so.

Yes, it is worlds different. One is with a real person whom you love and share yourself with. The other is a fantasy that lasts a few minutes and is over. 

This thread was started by a woman who did not like porn and did not want porn in the relationship. That is her choice. I stood up for her and said that if she did not want porn involved, there shouldn't be porn involved. It had nothing to do with the value of porn, or rather or not a couple should view it. It was about her not having to put up with something that made her uncomfortable and that she did not like. Other couples can if they want, but for HER, it wasn't HER values and wasn't right for HER.

I just wanted to help one woman be in a relationship that fulfilled her and gave her everything she was looking for. And for her that means being with a guy who respects her wishes and chooses to not engage in porn.

1 hour ago, Morello said:

If anything, I wonder why you think everyone should feel/act the same, especially on something as complex as sexuality. Mind-boggling stuff. People are different, and no one needs to receive these "life lessons" solely based on individual sexual preferences. It's patronising, to say the least.

And I'm the one arguing on other threads about the complexity of sexuality, trying to share a wider worldwide. I've brought up people being asexual, demisexual, pansexual, soulsexual, etc. I was raised in liberal San Francisco by the Castro district. I speak out for everyone being who they are, regardless of how different that is. And given that I clearly think differently, why would I think everyone should be the same?

Again, just be yourself. You do you. I'll be me. Everyone be who they are in all ways, so long as you aren't hurting others. 

 

[ShySoul]

@Cariadmawr If you ever read this, sorry about the debate your thread became. Bottom line, don't settle for less then the kind of love that you want, the kind of relationship you want. If you believe porn shouldn't be the relationship, then it shouldn't be in your relationship. There are guys who will be okay with that. 

I also don't think you were trying to control anyone or take away someone's right to view porn. You were coming from a place of love, of believing that when two people love each other, they really are all they will need. 

I hope both of us can have that one day.