Do men think of wife / partner when watching porn?

[Jaunty]

Of course he finds them attractive and sexually arousing.  Otherwise he would not bother looking at the porn.

This doesn't have anything to do with his level of attraction towards you, though I suspect that you were grilling him about whether he found the porn actresses attractive and he was very aware that there would be big trouble if he were to say YES.

Can you leave his private fantasy life alone?   Most people need some kind of privacy and do not need to justify their masturbation practices as long as it's not interfering with their real intimate sexual life with their partner.

[ShySoul]

What happens in a relationship should be mutually agreed upon as okay by both parties. No one should impose their beliefs on the other. Likewise, no one should have to accept their partner doing something they are not okay with.

Try to be understanding that he may not have exactly the same view on porn as you. Try to see it from his side. But if viewing it is a line in the sand for you, then you have every right to feel that way. If one partner is not okay with it in their relationship, then it should stop. It's not necessary and doesn't need to be used if it is going to harm a person and only serve to cause problems in the relationship.

Relationships are founded on communication and compromise. The only way to resolve it is to have an open, honest, and frank discussion on porn/attraction/sex/initmacy/etc. Lay out how both of you view things, what is and what is not acceptable to you. Then see if you can reach a consensus on how to move forward, a conclusion that can statisfy both of you.

 

 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Cariadmawr said:

So what’s the point in getting married and entering into a so called committed relationship if you continue to get aroused and fantasise about being with others ? Surely the whole point is for the security of having a loving commited parter who only desires you. Otherwise it’s just a partnership of  convenience where you can look but not touch. In my opinion that’s just a farse of a relationship! If that person is not fulfilling you completely then is really any point in being with them?

Not to me.  I don't expect my husband to only desire me.  I expect him not to act on any temptations like that -which is what the traditional marriage vows are all about. I don't need that sort of security. We are together because we love each other, we are committed to each other, we both wanted the same things out of life and we have similar and compatible values. I also respect and admire him so much and I would never ever try to control his thoughts or feelings because to me that is an incredibly disrespectful thing to do to a person especially a person you claim to care about.

Does he fulfil me completely -I don't even know what that means - probably not.  I have close friends, I have my work and career, I have close family members who often are also close friends, I love my mom to pieces, I have my volunteer work that is fulfilling on and off for around 40 plus years.  He fulfils my desire to be married to the right person and have a family - we would have looked into alternatives to my giving birth if that didn't work out -we both wanted that so much. 

He fulfils my desire to be in a loving committed relationship with a person who feels the same.  Completion? I'm so glad he and I are fulfilled by other things other than each other - actually what we love about each other too is how we have our own lives and interests and friends - and one of the first questions he asked me at our very first date 29 years ago was why I chose the career I did (which he chose too) because it was important to him to be with someone who was fulfilled that way and not just doing any ole job. At the same time he hoped to marry someone who wanted to be a SAHM for longer than maternity leave.  Obviously we didn't speak of that at the time just sharing with you that our relationship is not based on fulfilling each other completely.

I am not a person who goes around being tempted by other men or notices other men more than fleetingly.  I think he is the same from all I know but I don't care if I'm wrong. He's married to me, committed to me, he's with me for the right reasons. We promised not to act on temptations and to me that also means not playing with fire.  I don't play with fire. Neither does he.  And I will never ever expect of him or inquire of him whether he is tempted by other women or thinks in any sexual way about other women - that would be treating him in an offensive way. We trust each other and that inquiry would at least give the impression I don't.  JMHO.

Also while obviously each couple decides on their own boundaries if a couple takes marriage vows the basic vows should not be up for grabs -you promise not to commit adultery.  You promise if they are traditional vows to love, honor and cherish (we didn't do the obey thing as best as I can recall, ick).  The better or for worse.

Also it's a legal contract if  you don't just do a religious ceremony so you promise  to abide by the legalities.  Some of it is for sure open to interpretation -somehow you read into the vows that promising to resist temptation means never actually being tempted because you'll never desire another human being other than your spouse or even have any feelings or thoughts that way.  But for me one of many many positives of being married is that some of it is actually not really up to the couple unless they also decide not to abide by the vows they took.

[Kwothe28]

On 9/2/2024 at 11:00 PM, Cariadmawr said:

Do men think of their wives when masturbating and watching porn?

I guess maybe some do. But for most its just a fantasy. Men are visual beings. So they just “release themselves” at whatever and move on. 

Now it depends how you look at it. Lots of women find it uncomfortable because they equate it with their men thinking about other women. Which in a way they do. But there is no emotional connection there. He just needs something for “quick release”. If you look at it as some kind of “emotional cheating” then OK but it means you arent really compatible there. I highly doubt he would give up porn since he got used to that. Which could be the sign of porn addiction. And you probably wont get over him masturbating. If there is no compromise there, dont think you can get over this. 

[Tinydance]

I could be wrong but every single time I see posts about women having a problem with their partner watching porn, it seems they're insecure. Like, one girl completely ripped my head off. She wrote in her post that her and her partner have kids and she had a caesarean and has a caesarean scar. She said she felt so insecure and ugly because her partner watched porn so obviously he didn't find her attractive because of her scar. But she said they did still have sex.

To me this seems like some kind of jealousy or insecurity and feeling threatened by these women in porn. And again I don't get it because they aren't "real" in the sense that their partner will never meet them. Like, if a woman watches the movie Magic Mike and fantasises and masturbates to Channing Tatum, that doesn't mean she's in love with Channing Tatum and will dump her partner because of Channing Tatum. She'll still have sex with her partner and Channing Tatum is just a fantasy. 

That's how I see porn and that's why I don't care if my partner watches porn. The other thing is I'm pretty sure most men watch it. Yeah maybe they'll stop because their girlfriend or wife tells them off but they're just doing it to keep the peace. Then the woman shames him and is like: "I caught him and he lied to me." But he watched porn to begin with and you're trying to "train" him not to. How do you expect he'll just have no interest in watching it. 

[waffle]

2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I'm pretty sure most men watch it. 

So?

I don't think OP cares what most men are doing.  She cares what hers is doing.

[Tinydance]

6 hours ago, waffle said:

So?

I don't think OP cares what most men are doing.  She cares what hers is doing.

It was just a comment that most men watch it. It's very common. So my point is It's extremely rare to find a man who doesn't. So her husband probably always watched porn and he only "stopped" because she forced him to. That's my point.

[Jaunty]

23 hours ago, ShySoul said:

What happens in a relationship should be mutually agreed upon as okay by both parties.

I do not agree that a person in a relationship is required to run their masturbation practices past their partner in full detail to obtain approval.   Hell no.

That said, people who agree with you and disagree with me are cut out to be in relationships with one another, but not with a lot of other people.

 

[Tinydance]

I actually don't think that anyone ever sees the man's side at all. Most people have a sexuality and get sexual urges. We are biologically wired to get horny and want to masturbate or have sex. We have a sex drive because that's how we procreate and continue as a human race. Porn exists because people WANT to watch it. Even women watch it and there are porn sites or channels specifically for women centred porn. As an adult you're allowed to watch porn if you're over 18. I watch it and that's my choice. 

If your partner comes in and says: "You have to stop watching it", why do people immediate side with the woman? Say the man is an a hole? He was already watching porn to begin with. As is his right to do. And especially since OP said he watches it when she was unavailable for sex. So you can't even use the argument that she was there so why did he watch porn. She wasn't there. 

You see a post exactly like this every single week. It's all the same post where the woman forbids the man to watch porn. Then she snoops in his phone or computer and says she "caught him". You are not catching a little child steal the cookie from a cookie jar. This is a grown adult who is allowed to watch porn. You are shaming that person and snooping in their private phone etc. And yet everybody normalises this behaviour from the woman and says the guy is the jerk.

I will continue to watch porn as is my right and I'm upfront about it. If someone doesn't like it, see ya. Don't be with me then. But I don't need someone controlling me and expecting I report to them when I masturbate and snooping in my computer.

And I don't understand how you can liken porn to cheating. How can you cheat with someone you've literally never met, spoken to? Sure that's fine to say you don't like porn but it's not cheating.

[ShySoul]

15 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I do not agree that a person in a relationship is required to run their masturbation practices past their partner in full detail to obtain approval.   Hell no.

That said, people who agree with you and disagree with me are cut out to be in relationships with one another, but not with a lot of other people.

Huh, I would think for most couples they would find sharing such practices with a partner to be exciting. I mean, exploring what the other likes or dislikes can be half the fun.

People in a relationship should be compatible in their beliefs. It's not about requiring approval, it's about honest communication of all aspects of who they are, sexuality included. It's about mutually respecting each others values and boundaries. If a person says they are not okay with something and that it hurts them, then how can a person that loves them knowingly continue on with that act and hurt them? 

If I love someone, I want only them and want to avoid making them feel bad. No porn or solo practice would ever be worth the risk of losing the one I love. If that makes me not suitable for a lot of people, or even most people, okay then. The gal that does end up with me is just going to get that much more passion and devotion, having me all to herself without every having to worry I'll stray.

[Tinydance]

3 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Huh, I would think for most couples they would find sharing such practices with a partner to be exciting. I mean, exploring what the other likes or dislikes can be half the fun.

People in a relationship should be compatible in their beliefs. It's not about requiring approval, it's about honest communication of all aspects of who they are, sexuality included. It's about mutually respecting each others values and boundaries. If a person says they are not okay with something and that it hurts them, then how can a person that loves them knowingly continue on with that act and hurt them? 

If I love someone, I want only them and want to avoid making them feel bad. No porn or solo practice would ever be worth the risk of losing the one I love. If that makes me not suitable for a lot of people, or even most people, okay then. The gal that does end up with me is just going to get that much more passion and devotion, having me all to herself without every having to worry I'll stray.

I agree with you that people need to be compatible in beliefs. But if we're using this argument, what if I want to watch porn and I say to my partner: "Honey but if you truly love me you'll let me watch porn. If you don't it doesn't seem you love me because this is what I want." It’s actually the same argument, no?

[ShySoul]

8 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

And I don't understand how you can liken porn to cheating. How can you cheat with someone you've literally never met, spoken to? Sure that's fine to say you don't like porn but it's not cheating.

Emotional cheating. There's the idea that the woman isn't good enough and that he needs another woman to satisfy him. It plants the doubts that something is wrong with her, that if everything was fine, why wouldn't he just think about the person he is actually with?

There can also be the slippery slope argument. Porn is proven to be addictive and can change the way people view sex. It might change how they act in the bedroom, for better or worse. And depending on what a person is watching, it can make a difference. There is a genre specifically for cheating fantasies. I would think a person would have a good reason to be upset if their partner was watching that.

Oh, and even thought it's usually the woman being upset, any of this also applies if the roles are reversed.

4 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I agree with you that people need to be compatible in beliefs. But if we're using this argument, what if I want to watch porn and I say to my partner: "Honey but if you truly love me you'll let me watch porn. If you don't it doesn't seem you love me because this is what I want." It’s actually the same argument, no?

Which is why it just comes down to compatibilty.

I'm not saying anything is wrong with watching it or not watching it. That's up to the couple. If anyone else wants to watch it, they have that right (assuming you're of legal age). I'm sure for some couples it can help their relationship. But if it is that much of a problem for someone, then it comes down to a choice. Do you part ways because you are not compatible? Or do you decide the porn isn't worth as much as being with this person?

It's an individual choice, no right or wrong, do what is right for you. Personally, I find porn to be rather empty and would trade all the porn in the world to have a real, lasting relationship.

 

[Tinydance]

9 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Emotional cheating. There's the idea that the woman isn't good enough and that he needs another woman to satisfy him. It plants the doubts that something is wrong with her, that if everything was fine, why wouldn't he just think about the person he is actually with?

There can also be the slippery slope argument. Porn is proven to be addictive and can change the way people view sex. It might change how they act in the bedroom, for better or worse. And depending on what a person is watching, it can make a difference. There is a genre specifically for cheating fantasies. I would think a person would have a good reason to be upset if their partner was watching that.

Oh, and even thought it's usually the woman being upset, any of this also applies if the roles are reversed.

Which is why it just comes down to compatibilty.

I'm not saying anything is wrong with watching it or not watching it. That's up to the couple. If anyone else wants to watch it, they have that right (assuming you're of legal age). I'm sure for some couples it can help their relationship. But if it is that much of a problem for someone, then it comes down to a choice. Do you part ways because you are not compatible? Or do you decide the porn isn't worth as much as being with this person?

It's an individual choice, no right or wrong, do what is right for you. Personally, I find porn to be rather empty and would trade all the porn in the world to have a real, lasting relationship.

 

I'm not addicted to porn, I just watch it here and there. But it's the principle of it that I refuse to be controlled for doing something that as you said isn’t right or wrong. It just IS. This actually goes back to feeling insecure that your partner isn't into you just because they watched porn. I mean, maybe in some cases they lost interest in their partner but in most cases I think it has nothing to do with that.

I don't care about porn more than my partner. The reason I wouldn't be with someone who is against porn isn’t because porn is so terribly important to me. It's actually not. But it's exactly what you said about compatibility. And this just would be really incompatible with my own beliefs.

I don't disagree that porn could be addictive but anything can be addictive. For example someone could sometimes have a glass of wine with dinner or they could drink two bottles of wine every day. Same thing with porn. Someone could watch it once a week or they could watch it 24/7.

[ShySoul]

31 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Porn exists because people WANT to watch it. Even women watch it and there are porn sites or channels specifically for women centred porn.

Also think there is a difference between wanting to WATCH it versus wanting to DO it. If you have a partner, I would think the urges would be geared towards doing it. Even if the partner isn't there, you have real life experiences and memories to go off of, which I would think would be better feelings then actors you don't know. You can actually recall the touches, sounds, tastes, smells. 

Though I will say thank you for the women centered porn. From what I gather it seems to be a lot more emotionally connective and actually interesting. A lot of porn is either dull or disturbing. But individual tastes will vary.

5 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

But it's the principle of it that I refuse to be controlled for doing something that as you said isn’t right or wrong

Absolutely. When you start getting into feeling controlled, it's become something else and a sign to call it quits. You shouldn't feel controlled to give it up. Someone shouldn't feel controlled or compelled to accept it in the relationship if they aren't happy with it.

It's the couples decision to do what is right for them and will both of them happy. No one should have to do anything, it should be two people willingly making the choice that is right for them.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

Porn has become such a controversial topic in today's society and from my observation, it's right up there with social media activity as being a HUGE issue in relationships.

As @Tinydancesaid, nearly every week there is a new thread from a woman upset about her boyfriend's porn activity usually after she snoops and discovers it on his on his phone.

I recall one thread a few weeks ago from a woman whose boyfriend was in the bathroom too long or she heard noises or something and she walked in!  And found him masturbating to porn.

I do think there is a huge misconception surrounding it.

IMO it's not "emotional cheating," there is nothing "emotional" about it, there is no connection or attachment to any of the actresses/actors.  There is no emotion involved at all.  

True for both men and women.

It's a physical release, a diversion, a fantasy and when viewed in moderation and such that it does NOT interfere with the intimacy a couple shares together, can actually be healthy!  

And enhance a couples sexual experience and intimacy in my opinion and experience.

There have also been studies done and articles written discussing this. 

I don't understand the need for men to lie about it.  That's is so wrong and does so much damage and causes such distrust just like it's done to the OP on this thread after discovering her husband of 15 years had been lying about it. 

Why can't a man simply talk openly and honesty about it and explain it has NOTHING to do with her or his attraction to her or his love for her? 

Communicate for goodness sake, don't just lie or feel you need to stop because your girlfriend or wife is insecure or feels threatened or whatever the issue is. 

Or if it's not that important, then simply stop. 

Reading men's forums, more and more men are getting away from it anyway for their own personal reasons.

I almost feel like it's gotten to the point where if it's important for a woman that her partner not view it, she should ask him when they begin dating just as people ask if they seek a relationship or casual.

If he does, simply move on.

JMO.

 

 

 

 

[Tinydance]

10 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Porn has become such a controversial topic in today's society and from my observation, it's right up there with social media activity as being a HUGE issue in relationships.

As @Tinydancesaid, nearly every week there is a new thread from a woman upset about her boyfriend's porn activity usually after she snoops and discovers it on his on his phone.

I recall one thread a few weeks ago from a woman whose boyfriend was in the bathroom too long or she heard noises or something and she walked in!  And found him masturbating to porn.

I do think there is a huge misconception surrounding it.

IMO it's not "emotional cheating," there is nothing "emotional" about it, there is no connection or attachment to any of the actresses/actors.  There is no emotion involved at all.  

True for both men and women.

It's a physical release, a diversion, a fantasy and when viewed in moderation and such that it does NOT interfere with the intimacy a couple shares together, can actually be healthy!  

And enhance a couples sexual experience and intimacy in my opinion and experience.

I don't understand the need for men to lie about it.  That's is so wrong and does so much damage and causes such distrust just like it's done to the OP on this thread after discovering her husband of 15 years had been lying about it. 

Why can't a man simply talk openly and honesty about it and explain it has NOTHING to do with her or his attraction to her or his love for her? 

Communicate for goodness sake, don't just lie or feel you to stop because she is insecure or feels threatened or whatever the issue is. 

Or if it's not that important, then simply stop. 

Reading men's forums, more and more men are getting away from it anyway for their own personal reasons.

I almost feel like it's gotten to the point where if it's important for a woman that her partner not view it, she should ask him when they begin dating just as people ask if they seek a relationship or casual.

If he does, simply move on.

JMO.

 

 

 

 

100% all this! I don't really understand how someone could actually be "into" a person in porn beyond just feeling horny. They literally have no idea who it is, never met them, very likely never will. I also think there's a bit of double standard because women will sometimes have a poster or a picture of a shirtless male celebrity if they have a boyfriend. Maybe they perve on them and masturbate over them but for some reason that doesn't get looked down on? 

And the other thing is, women that don't like porn seem to just ultimatum their partner. Like, "Don't watch porn or I'm leaving." So they don't watch it but maybe sometimes watch it occasionally in secret. Then the woman finds the porn and is like: "You’re being so disrespectful, obviously you feel guilty so you're hiding it." No he's hiding it because he's been told if he watches porn, the relationship is over. And he watched it in secret also not to upset his partner. The only reason she knows is because she SNOOPED through his electronic devices.

I also don't understand why women can't just have an in depth discussion about porn. For example say: "I'm feeling like you're not into me when you watch porn." Like it's fine to express how you feel and explain WHY they feel that way. E.g. "I don't feel like you're attracted to me." But instead it's always an ultimatum. "Choose porn or me." 

[poorlittlefish]

What did men do before porn existed?  A lot of the stuff in porn is aggressive, degrading and downright painful for women.  A lot of women assume their partners are watching this stuff behind their backs, but it's when these acts and attitudes are brought into their lives that it is a problem.  I do not want to be spat upon, slapped, have a hand around my throat etc - all without asking - but this is what has happened to me.  

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

IMO it's not "emotional cheating," there is nothing "emotional" about it, there is no connection or attachment to any of the actresses/actors.  There is no emotion involved at all.  

Yeah, but lots of women equate porn with that. Because for lots of women sex is emotional thing. So its hard for them to imagine you can just masturbate to somebody without emotional component involved. So to them, if you imagine somebody, means you are thinking about that person and not them. 

You asked why we get this kind of threads every month, well, that is why. Porn isnt new thing. But now it has become a widely available thing. Before there were magazines and you could rent porn at video club, but now its on one click away. So with that, there comes a certain problem that has or hasnt persisted before in that amount. As before you had to make an effort to even see it. Now? Just click on cell phone. I do need to admit that I dont know  many women irl that would not be Ok with the use of porn. But as you can see, there is a wide spread issue when we do have amount of same threads about it. Its a legitimate issue for some, even though we dont see it that way. So OP has a valid opinion about it. But then maybe she shouldnt be with somebody who uses porn. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, poorlittlefish said:

I do not want to be spat upon, slapped, have a hand around my throat etc - all without asking - but this is what has happened to me. 

This isn't porn making men behave abusively - it's abusive men behaving abusively. 

I am sorry this has happened to you. That's awful. But it's also not what OP is describing, fortunately. I think there's quite a difference between the appalling behaviour you've experienced, and a man simply viewing your average porn to experience arousal and release.  

 

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, poorlittlefish said:

What did men do before porn existed?  A lot of the stuff in porn is aggressive, degrading and downright painful for women.  A lot of women assume their partners are watching this stuff behind their backs, but it's when these acts and attitudes are brought into their lives that it is a problem.  I do not want to be spat upon, slapped, have a hand around my throat etc - all without asking - but this is what has happened to me.  

I'm really sorry this happened to you but I don't think that porn is really to blame for this. It's someone being horrible and also not understanding the concept of consent. Mutual consent has to be a very big thing during intimacy and this person disrespected you. There actually are people who are into BDSM and want to be slapped, choked, etc. But they consent to it and often will also have a safe word. So when they're asked to stop, the person has to respect it and stop.

But personally I don't believe porn will make someone behave violently unless they're a violent person to begin with. For example someone could be playing shooting video games but they're not going to actually start shooting people with a real gun. And if they do, it's because they're disturbed and not solely because of the video game.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Because for lots of women sex is emotional thing.

^^Sex is emotional for me too! 

But I've taken the time to educate myself about porn and why some men (and women) enjoy it in moderation.

My boyfriends and I have also talked about it.  Openly and honestly.

So I don't equate it with anything emotional because it's not.

They're jerking off to anonymous random women. No emotional involvement whatsoever. 

That's my understanding of it anyway. 

Everything I've learned about it states it's a diversion, a fantasy and couples who allow each other that bit of diversion from the stress of daily life and private fantasy occasionally (and without hassle) have happier and more harmonious relationships than those who don't.

If a woman feels insecure or feels threatened or doesn't trust her partner is attracted to her, work on that. 

Because imo that will negatively impact the relationship more than his occasional porn activity.

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

But then maybe she shouldnt be with somebody who uses porn. 

^^Completely agree! 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, ShySoul said:

People in a relationship should be compatible in their beliefs. It's not about requiring approval, it's about honest communication of all aspects of who they are, sexuality included. It's about mutually respecting each others values and boundaries. If a person says they are not okay with something and that it hurts them, then how can a person that loves them knowingly continue on with that act and hurt them? 

For me it depends on what my partner is asking me to refrain from or do and it's not always "if you loved me enough you would...." A person also shouldn't hurt themselves in the name of "love".  I don't believe in oversharing.  I don't know "all aspects" of who my husband is and vice versa - I don't even know if we know "all aspects of who we are".  We do know what's important to both of us and most of that is the same.  I don't see where it's necessary if the two people agree/are compatible on the major stuff. 

As situations arise you discuss them whether about sex or otherwise. We had no idea about all the situations  that arise as parents -most parents do not - but we knew the basics so we've muddled through parenting together and done a decent job.

No amount of honest communication on "all aspects" of our views on parenting, children, mother/father roles and juggling work could have prepared us and honestly sometimes all that talk in advance hampers it because then the expectation is "but you said while I was pregnant [and the child is 4]___" - no sometimes when you're faced with a sexuality situation, a parenting situation (I mean -pandemic -think about what sides that brought out in certain people).

I like ignorance is bliss when it comes to porn - because I know I'm not dealing with any sort of addiction on either side, because if that's what he likes to do in private time (hypothetically -I have no idea because -that's his private time!) - sure, fine. 

Same with our interactions with people of the opposite sex- less is more, less is respectful -let your partner be free to have a life outside of marriage/commitment within reasonable boundaries- have the broader discussion,  etc. and have the common sense to check in with each other in rare/odd situations.  We've had a few- because we live in a major city, work for huge employers and he travels a lot and I traveled regularly for the 3 years before we married for my job.  We live in the real world plus in urban areas and I always have worked in male-dominated fields. 

No amount of letting it all hang out sharing "every aspect" takes the place of being on the same page generally and facing situations as they come. The OP is doing a poor job here IMO because she has a very restrictive notion of marriage and porn use in general and it seems compared to her husband.  Her husband seems to be playing fast and loose with the truth which is another issue but perhaps it's in response -like a rebelliion to her view of marriage which maybe he mistakenly went along with and now  regrets?

[rainbowsandroses]

Got to thinking more about this and IMO it's NOT unlike what many women do with their trashy romance novels or the Fifty Shades of Gray trilogy that was literally all the rage years ago and women's fascination and in some cases lust with Christian Gray. 

Or how about Dr. McDreamy and Dr. McSteamy on Gray's Anatomy or Matt McConaughey as Mr. Mike?

Single women, women in serious relationships and married women derive pleasure and fantasy from such books and movies and no one seems to bat an eye!

Most people do understand it's a harmless temporary fantasy escape, which many of us need occasionally otherwise we could go nuts!

In moderation that is what porn is IMO.  Moderation is key.  

Others may disagree but watching porn and masturbation is not having sex unless you consider masturbation having sex..... with yourself?

You're watching sex, again not unlike what many women to when reading about hot passionate sex in those romance novels or watching certain shows or movies.  And escaping in that temporary fantasy. 

To the OP, a hypothetical but what if you enjoyed reading such romance novels or watching those programs on occasion and your husband told you "no more reading those books or watching programs with attractive sexy men, it's emotional cheating and against marriage vows, you're only allowed to think about ME"!!

Of course you'd consider that extremely controlling, stifling, suffocating, etc. 

Or I dunno maybe you wouldn't but the majority of women would. 

You are entitled to feel how you feel, however it might be worth your while to open up your mind a bit, talk to your husband openly and honestly and educate yourself about it.

Just a suggestion, your marriage might benefit from it. 

Good luck. 

 

 

[Jaunty]

7 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 

As @Tinydancesaid, nearly every week there is a new thread from a woman upset about her boyfriend's porn activity usually after she snoops and discovers it on his on his phone.

TBH, I think that quite a few are the same person returning with a new user name over and over.

7 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 

I don't understand the need for men to lie about it. 

Obviously, because there is still a lot of shame associated with sexuality in many cultures.  Also, in situations like the one here (and brought up over and over), clearly the man is in for a world of hurt if he tells the truth.  He'll be shamed, his love and faithfulness to the woman will be questioned, his privacy invaded further in her search for "proof."  Certainly this couple should not be together.  But the power struggle continues.

On top of it all - many people who are going to be very controlling don't exhibit this trait out of the gate.  They often try to be the "cool girl/ boyfriend" who is easy going about things and also sexually adventurous.  A person you'd not expect to be terribly crushed by their partner watching porn. This makes it pretty difficult to realize that there's a huge compatibility issue before finding out the hard way.

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Got to thinking more about this and IMO it's NOT unlike what many women do with their trashy romance novels or the Fifty Shades of Gray trilogy that was literally all the rage years ago and women's fascination and in some cases lust with Christian Gray. 

That is SO weird -to me. Because I literally was thinking of that example this morning to provide in this thread and for whatever reason chose not to.  Maybe because it lacks the "visual?"  but to me personally imagination is just as good or better than visual with novels LOL. Did not read or see 50 shades but obviously great reference.