Cariadmawr Posted September 2 Share Posted September 2 I have recently found out that my husband of 15 years has been occasionally masturbating to porn when I’m unavailable for sex. He says he uses it as a memory trigger to remember sessions with me and that he isn’t aroused or attracted to the porn actresses. Apparently he finds remembering sex with me much more stimulating and can only orgasm when thinking about us together. Do men think of their wives when masturbating and watching porn? Are they able to watch naked women on porn and not be aroused and attracted to the actresses in the video? I’m just wondering if he is lying to me to spare my feelings when he is actually fantasising about sex with these women. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redswim30 Posted September 2 Share Posted September 2 This is a pretty normal thing for men to do when their partner is unavailable. I'm not your husband, so I don't have any idea what does or doesn't turn him on. It's entirely possible he is telling the truth. It's also possible he's sparing your feelings. Look, porn is a fantasy and even if he is turned on by them, so what? He's doing it when you are unavailable. The alternatives are he either forces you when you are sick/not in the mood/asleep- etc- or he goes out and cheats on you IRL- and I'm guessing you would not prefer those options. It's simply a release and nothing more. I really wouldn't overthink this. The vast majority of men watch porn at least sometimes. As long as he's not using it OVER intimacy with you, there's no real problem. IMVHO, please don't hung up on "is he attracted to them or not"- You and your partner are both going to find other people in the world- IRL or on tv, the internet, movies, etc- attractive. It doesn't MEAN anything. It's purely a fantasy and really has nothing to do with your relationship. Take it with a grain of salt and move on. Don't let this be an issue in an otherwise good and long-lasting marriage. It's not worth it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted September 2 Share Posted September 2 Porn is essentially a visual aid. While some men can obviously be attracted to a specific actress and be imagining her, it can also just be something to set the mood or assist in getting that extra stimulation just be observing the act. For some men, the woman can run together, even be interchangeable. It's more about the specific scenario or fantasy being displayed. It could give him ideas of things he would like to try, imagining you in place of the woman and thinking about how you would look or feel. What is important is that he doesn't choose the porn over you, that he still pays you attention both emotionally and physically. Talk with him and try to understand it from his point of view. Maybe even watch it together once to see if it's something you can be okay with. And if you still aren't comfortable, that's okay as well. Let him know. See if you can work together to find something that you are both okay with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted September 2 Share Posted September 2 1 hour ago, Cariadmawr said: He says he uses it as a memory trigger to remember sessions with me .... This makes very little sense to me. He needs to look at other women screwing random dudes to trigger memories of you? Why not look at pictures of YOU to trigger memories of you? Watching porn is fine but at least be honest about why. Porn is an escape from the real world for many men, it's a fantasy. As such, my understanding is they don't typically think of their wives or girlfriends unless they're watching the porn together while being sexually intimate together. JMO. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 2 Share Posted September 2 2 hours ago, Cariadmawr said: I have recently found out that my husband of 15 years has been occasionally masturbating to porn when I’m unavailable for sex. He says he uses it as a memory trigger to remember sessions with me and that he isn’t aroused or attracted to the porn actresses. Apparently he finds remembering sex with me much more stimulating and can only orgasm when thinking about us together. Do men think of their wives when masturbating and watching porn? Are they able to watch naked women on porn and not be aroused and attracted to the actresses in the video? I’m just wondering if he is lying to me to spare my feelings when he is actually fantasising about sex with these women. Men are individual people. How did you find out? Individual men who watch porn have individual experiences as far as what they think about, if they think about anything at all, etc. Just like individual women. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shouldhavelearned Posted September 3 Share Posted September 3 While I don't agree with his reasoning, I wonder why you're not available. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cariadmawr Posted September 3 Author Share Posted September 3 Thanks for your advice and opinions. I have had my doubts that he is just saying that he doesn’t find the women attractive to save my feelings. Although, if I’m honest it’s just making it worse as I feel that he is insulting my intelligence. He is adamant that he didn’t watch porn for arousal and only to look at the act (certain position) to trigger a memory. Apparently it helped him to remember the sounds and feeling easier by watching a couple in the same position. He said that as he is circumcised and masturbating without lubricant can be painful, he tries to think about the memory and feeling of actual sex as that is what will get him to orgasm quicker than relying on just the video. I kind of understand that reasoning but am really struggling to believe that he can watch naked women and not find them arousing or attractive, even if it is a secondary part of his thinking during masturbation. Do all men find the women in these videos attractive or can it be just a means to an end by looking at the act? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redswim30 Posted September 3 Share Posted September 3 57 minutes ago, Cariadmawr said: I kind of understand that reasoning but am really struggling to believe that he can watch naked women and not find them arousing or attractive, even if it is a secondary part of his thinking during masturbation. Do all men find the women in these videos attractive or can it be just a means to an end by looking at the act? Why are you so focused on this piece of it, OP? If you start an argument over what goes on in his head, you will open a giant can of worms over something very minor. No one here can speak for "all men"- no one can tell you what goes on in their heads. Why are so concerned about this? At this point, I have to ask - WHY is it that you have been "unavailable" - I noticed you haven't answered that question. Were you out of town? Sick? Busy with work? Is it possible you are worried because you feel some guilt at being "unavailable" and are worried that you are pushing your husband away from you? Or is something else going on in your marriage that makes you not trust your husband? It's important to remember, OP- every person in a marriage is entitled to some level of privacy, not secrecy- privacy. Most men are not going to sit there and explain to their wives what it is they think of while looking at porn. Would you want your husband asking what goes through your mind while you are taking a prolonged time in the bathroom? I'm guessing not, because you are entitled to some privacy. NO ONE and I mean NO ONE tells their partner every single thought they have about everything in their head. You cannot control that and you should not even attempt to. I'm sure you have/have had private thoughts you wouldn't want to share with your husband. I want you to really consider why it is that you cannot let this go. Please give your husband a break here. If he's been a good husband and has given you NO reason not to trust him- there's really not an issue here. Please consider before you get mad at him or go down a path of "thought policing" that you may never recover from- PLEASE think if that's really the kind of marriage you want to have. Do you want your husband to demand to know details about every single thought you ever have? Can you honestly say you've never had a harmless fantasy about other man- crush on someone like a movie star, a sexy dream about someone else or likewise? If so, did you rush off to tell your husband every little detail. Unless you have some other major issue that you have not shared- PLEASE let this go, OP. This is not something worth ruining a marriage over. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cariadmawr Posted September 3 Author Share Posted September 3 2 minutes ago, redswim30 said: Why are you so focused on this piece of it, OP? If you start an argument over what goes on is his head, you will open a giant can of worms over something very minor. No one here can speak for "all men"- no one can tell you what goes on in their heads. Why are so concerned about this? At this point, I have to ask - WHY is it that you have been "unavailable" - I noticed you haven't answered that question. Were you out of town? Sick? Busy with work? Is it possible you are worried because you feel some guilt at being "unavailable" and are worried that you are pushing your husband away from you? Or is something else going on in your marriage that makes you not trust your husband? It's important to remember, OP- every person in a marriage is entitled to some level of privacy, not secrecy- privacy. Most men are not going to sit there and explain to their wives what it is they think of while looking at porn. Would you want your husband asking what goes through your mind while you are taking a prolonged time in the bathroom? I'm guessing not, because you are entitled to some privacy. NO ONE and I mean NO ONE tells their partner every single thought they have about everything in their head. You cannot control that and you should not even attempt to. I'm sure you have/have had private thoughts you wouldn't want to share with your husband. I want you to really consider why it is that you cannot let this go. Please give your husband a break here. If he's been a good husband and has given you NO reason not to trust him- there's really not an issue here. Please consider before you get mad at him or go down a path of "thought policing" that you may never recover from- PLEASE think if that's really the kind of marriage you want to have. Do you want your husband to demand to know details about every single thought you ever have? Can you honestly say you've never had a harmless fantasy about other man- crush on someone like a movie star, a sexy dream about someone else or likewise? If so, did you rush off to tell your husband every little detail. Unless you have some other major issue that you have not shared- PLEASE let this go, OP. This is not something worth ruining a marriage over. Thanks for your advice. When I say i’m unavailable I was referring to my time of the month or illness. Apparently he would look at porn if we hadn’t had sex for a few days before my period or if I become unwell. I take my marriage vows very seriously and I don’t feel that a man or women in a committed long term relationship should be fantasising about others. It’s one thing to think a film star is pretty and another if they are lusting over another women’s body and achieving sexual gratification from doing so. I don’t watch porn and can honestly say I don’t find other men sexually attractive. I might notice a good looking guy on telly or in the street but my mind doesn’t think any more than that. I feel betrayed if he was lusting over others as I believe that should be something that is exclusively for your parter. That’s just my opinion and how I feel about my marriage. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redswim30 Posted September 3 Share Posted September 3 21 minutes ago, Cariadmawr said: Thanks for your advice. When I say i’m unavailable I was referring to my time of the month or illness. Apparently he would look at porn if we hadn’t had sex for a few days before my period or if I become unwell. I take my marriage vows very seriously and I don’t feel that a man or women in a committed long term relationship should be fantasising about others. It’s one thing to think a film star is pretty and another if they are lusting over another women’s body and achieving sexual gratification from doing so. I don’t watch porn and can honestly say I don’t find other men sexually attractive. I might notice a good looking guy on telly or in the street but my mind doesn’t think any more than that. I feel betrayed if he was lusting over others as I believe that should be something that is exclusively for your parter. That’s just my opinion and how I feel about my marriage. If all this is true, then I think you need to go to counseling. The vast majority of people (married or not) fantasize about other people. You need to decide if this is something you can accept or if you need to get a divorce. You're entitled to your opinion, OP. But IMO, I think you are expecting something that is very unrealistic, if not impossible from someone else. You will never be able to control someone else's thoughts and if you think you can, then maybe marriage simply isn't for you. The vast majority of people (male and female) do not find their spouse and ONLY their spouse attractive or fantasize about. Human beings are programmed to be attracted the opposite sex, and we cannot even always control these reactions or thoughts. IMVHO, you are going to have a difficult time being in any serious relationship with a healthy adult male if you cannot accept that you are not the only woman in his life that he will ever find attractive or fantasize over or masturbate over. Please do not equate marriage vows with "never finding anyone else attractive" as that is a false comparison. You are allowed to have that opinion, but again- IMO, it's incredibly unrealistic. Only you know if this issue is worth ending an otherwise healthy marriage over. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kampuniform3 Posted September 3 Share Posted September 3 56 minutes ago, Cariadmawr said: Thanks for your advice. When I say i’m unavailable I was referring to my time of the month or illness. Apparently he would look at porn if we hadn’t had sex for a few days before my period or if I become unwell. I take my marriage vows very seriously and I don’t feel that a man or women in a committed long term relationship should be fantasising about others. It’s one thing to think a film star is pretty and another if they are lusting over another women’s body and achieving sexual gratification from doing so. I don’t watch porn and can honestly say I don’t find other men sexually attractive. I might notice a good looking guy on telly or in the street but my mind doesn’t think any more than that. I feel betrayed if he was lusting over others as I believe that should be something that is exclusively for your parter. That’s just my opinion and how I feel about my marriage. No, you don’t need to seek counselling simply for not complying to a putative status quo. Truly unbelievable that anyone would make such a ridiculous claim. Yes, I agree with your assertion that sexually fantasizing about others carries with it the risk of escalation. It’s been my experience in life to discover that people reside in one of two camps on this matter. For me it was a point of honour to never allow my guard to drop for a second, and I was fastidious in my commitment to my partner in all respects. This wasn’t a challenge, as I never saw her as anything other than perfect…despite her imperfections…if you know what I mean. …and then you have the less morally unhygienic crowd who try to rationalize the behaviour. Not cool in my estimation. As you say, it’s about commitment. In today’s laissez faire culture, commitment is a four letter word. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted September 3 Share Posted September 3 What, exactly, are the advantages of deciding to be insulted? It's a natural act that doesn't require the performance of satisfying another. If you believe that turning into the mind-police will somehow benefit your marriage or your own psyche in some way, then good luck with that. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waffle Posted September 3 Share Posted September 3 Oh yes, the "everyone does it so that makes it okay and if you have a problem with it you need counseling" argument. 🙄 I remember my mother when I was a child saying "and if everyone jumped off a bridge would you do that too?" I think the point of porn is that you're thinking of just about anyone other than your spouse. To claim you're thinking of your spouse is sort of silly really. Of course you're not. Brings to mind the saying Variety is the Spice of Life, and porn is a way to get that variety. Look, Cariadmawr, if you're not okay with it then you're not okay with it. Some view it as a form of infidelity and I'm not sure they're wrong. It also changes one's views on women and sex--many (meaning most. All?) will claim it doesn't but it does. Just know that if someone is going to do it, then they're going to find a way to do it. "I won't do it anymore" means "I will hide it better." It is a decision and he is actively making the decision to do this. Period. So I don't know what the answer is. Being that it's so readily available, and free, I think it really is a case of Accept or Reject. There is no way to monitor this successfully. I've never seen micromanaging internet habits or otherwise negotiating as having good results. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redswim30 Posted September 3 Share Posted September 3 The OP is allowed to have whatever opinions she wants. I don't think anyone said that she couldn't. If she wants to feel betrayed and feels that this is worth being upset over and possibly ending her marriage over, that's her call. Couples can feel however they wish about porn. The point is you have to agree. If one person views it as a simple release and the other views it as a betrayal, there's a major problem. Maybe she needs to be with someone who also views it as infidelity. But her husband clearly doesn't. - that is why I recommended counseling. Counseling is not about "making her accept" anything. It's about seeing if she and her husband can agree or if they cannot agree and need to end the marriage so they can both be with more compatible people who agree on what is or is not a betrayal of marital vows. Since this is how she feels, this is not a small issue. I know this is a "hot button" topic for some people. But that's exactly my point. A married couple should agree one way or other on whether it is or not. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 3 Share Posted September 3 3 hours ago, Cariadmawr said: take my marriage vows very seriously and I don’t feel that a man or women in a committed long term relationship should be fantasising about others. It My marriage vows did not include that promise. At all. Yup I have and I bet my husband has and I also know because we love each other we'd never share that because it's tacky and thoughtless to share that. We take our marriage vows including the ones in our religious ceremony-very very seriously. Not just "very". I would not be ok at all with any regular porn watching -I don't think my husband does watch ever and not regularly. I don't watch porn. We both have in our past and we both have together a long time ago. I would not be ok if he shared with me who he fantasizes about sexually. That would be hurtful to me and nor would I ask. We never had to have an actual discussion because I know what his value are I know what his behaviors and boundaries are and vice versa. Any of the rare conversations we've had about boundaries with the opposite sex have been quickly resolved or ended up being no issue at all. We stay in touch with certain exes and we have close friends of the opposite sex and always have. It's crucial to be on the same page and I too wouldn't care at all to hear that regular porn use is ok because like "boys will be boys" - you decide OP exactly what your boundaries are and if you want to reevaluate your boundaries of course I defer to you!! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted September 3 Share Posted September 3 4 hours ago, Cariadmawr said: I take my marriage vows very seriously and I don’t feel that a man or women in a committed long term relationship should be fantasising about others Does your husband agree with this take on your marital vows? That neither of you should have sexual fantasies about anyone else? While you are certainly entitled to your own views, I think it is plain unrealistic to assume he doesn't sometimes fantasize about other women. And yes, he likely lied to you when he said he wasn't aroused by the women in the porn he watched. I don't think he had any malicious intent, though. I assume he was genuinely trying to spare your feelings, and not to insult your intelligence. Try not to punish him for that. Had you two ever talked about porn use before? You say you've only recently discovered that he watched porn, but you've been married 15 years. So, I am wondering what sort of conversations (if any) you've previously had about this. Did he know you don't really agree with it? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cariadmawr Posted September 3 Author Share Posted September 3 1 hour ago, MissCanuck said: Does your husband agree with this take on your marital vows? That neither of you should have sexual fantasies about anyone else? While you are certainly entitled to your own views, I think it is plain unrealistic to assume he doesn't sometimes fantasize about other women. And yes, he likely lied to you when he said he wasn't aroused by the women in the porn he watched. I don't think he had any malicious intent, though. I assume he was genuinely trying to spare your feelings, and not to insult your intelligence. Try not to punish him for that. Had you two ever talked about porn use before? You say you've only recently discovered that he watched porn, but you've been married 15 years. So, I am wondering what sort of conversations (if any) you've previously had about this. Did he know you don't really agree with it? We had a very brief discussion about porn when we moved in together and I made it clear that I wasn’t happy with him viewing it. When I have asked him over the 15 years whether he viewed it he said no and I naively believed him, until I caught him one night when he thought I was asleep. He says he never fantasises about anyone else and agrees that that is infidelity. Like I say he has sworn that he doesn’t find other women attractive. I just don’t know how anyone can watch porn and not find the women attractive. I think we may benefit from counselling. I love him but I need to feel secure and loved in my marriage and not feel that he is looking elsewhere for gratification. 6 hours ago, redswim30 said: Why are you so focused on this piece of it, OP? If you start an argument over what goes on is his head, you will open a giant can of worms over something very minor. No one here can speak for "all men"- no one can tell you what goes on in their heads. Why are so concerned about this? At this point, I have to ask - WHY is it that you have been "unavailable" - I noticed you haven't answered that question. Were you out of town? Sick? Busy with work? Is it possible you are worried because you feel some guilt at being "unavailable" and are worried that you are pushing your husband away from you? Or is something else going on in your marriage that makes you not trust your husband? It's important to remember, OP- every person in a marriage is entitled to some level of privacy, not secrecy- privacy. Most men are not going to sit there and explain to their wives what it is they think of while looking at porn. Would you want your husband asking what goes through your mind while you are taking a prolonged time in the bathroom? I'm guessing not, because you are entitled to some privacy. NO ONE and I mean NO ONE tells their partner every single thought they have about everything in their head. You cannot control that and you should not even attempt to. I'm sure you have/have had private thoughts you wouldn't want to share with your husband. I want you to really consider why it is that you cannot let this go. Please give your husband a break here. If he's been a good husband and has given you NO reason not to trust him- there's really not an issue here. Please consider before you get mad at him or go down a path of "thought policing" that you may never recover from- PLEASE think if that's really the kind of marriage you want to have. Do you want your husband to demand to know details about every single thought you ever have? Can you honestly say you've never had a harmless fantasy about other man- crush on someone like a movie star, a sexy dream about someone else or likewise? If so, did you rush off to tell your husband every little detail. Unless you have some other major issue that you have not shared- PLEASE let this go, OP. This is not something worth ruining a marriage over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted September 3 Share Posted September 3 20 minutes ago, Cariadmawr said: Like I say he has sworn that he doesn’t find other women attractive. ^^This is different from porn. Do you honestly expect that he should never find another woman (other women) attractive? Like ever? I mean, there are attractive people everywhere, wherever we go, there will be attractive people. If we have two functional eyes, or even just one, we are going to notice them. Or do you mean when he's watching porn? Can you clarify? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted September 3 Share Posted September 3 35 minutes ago, Cariadmawr said: When I have asked him over the 15 years whether he viewed it he said no... So he lied. Which given how you feel about porn is understandable on one hand, deceitful on the other hand. I have no issue porn, heck my SO(s) and I have sometimes watched it together! It can (and has!) actually enhance sexual intimacy in my experience, assuming both people are open, feel secure and trust each other. My opinion and experience. That said, the fact he lied when you asked him would not sit well with me personally. And to add insult to injury he gives you some 'song and dance' about how he only watches to trigger memories of you. Which is highly unlikely. I agree that counseling would benefit you both and not just because of the porn. Neither of you trust the other IMO which may possibly be why you dislike porn, believe it's wrong and/or feel threatened by it and why he lies to you about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cariadmawr Posted September 3 Author Share Posted September 3 37 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: ^^This is different from porn. Do you honestly expect that he should never find another woman (other women) attractive? Like ever? I mean, there are attractive people everywhere, wherever we go, there will be attractive people. If we have two functional eyes, or even just one, we are going to notice them. Or do you mean when he's watching porn? Can you clarify? I think everyone notices and acknowledges when someone is attractive but that’s where it ends. There’s should be no further thoughts of that person if you are in a committed relationship. Those are my boundaries in a marriage. I appreciate that this may not be the same for other couples though. I believe that viewing porn and fantasising about sex with others is crossing that line. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 3 Share Posted September 3 1 hour ago, Cariadmawr said: I think everyone notices and acknowledges when someone is attractive but that’s where it ends. There’s should be no further thoughts of that person if you are in a committed relationship. Those are my boundaries in a marriage. I appreciate that this may not be the same for other couples though. I believe that viewing porn and fantasising about sex with others is crossing that line. And he agreed with those boundaries? Like not just to please you but he feels that in a marriage there should be that level of restriction and control over thoughts and feelings? Each couple gets to choose but to me it depends why he agreed etc. I only wanted to marry someone who was 100% into having or adopting a child not just go along with my desire to be a parent. So I get that there's a difference with "ok sure I can do that for you" and "yes I agree with you and I want the same thing". I absolutely think lying is wrong -if he promised he promised. I'm really not sure how a person promises not to think about someone who looks attractive -how that person controls their feelings and thoughts. Like I love chocolate and I restrict myself from eating too much of it/eating it at certain times etc - but doesn't stop me at that time from thinking how much I wish I could have it (not all the time but sometimes) -I just don't act on it. Do you really think a human being can control their thoughts or feelings after seeing something or someone who looks desirable/attractive? I mean the marriage vows presume that we will be tempted -but not act on it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cariadmawr Posted September 4 Author Share Posted September 4 1 hour ago, Batya33 said: And he agreed with those boundaries? Like not just to please you but he feels that in a marriage there should be that level of restriction and control over thoughts and feelings? Each couple gets to choose but to me it depends why he agreed etc. I only wanted to marry someone who was 100% into having or adopting a child not just go along with my desire to be a parent. So I get that there's a difference with "ok sure I can do that for you" and "yes I agree with you and I want the same thing". I absolutely think lying is wrong -if he promised he promised. I'm really not sure how a person promises not to think about someone who looks attractive -how that person controls their feelings and thoughts. Like I love chocolate and I restrict myself from eating too much of it/eating it at certain times etc - but doesn't stop me at that time from thinking how much I wish I could have it (not all the time but sometimes) -I just don't act on it. Do you really think a human being can control their thoughts or feelings after seeing something or someone who looks desirable/attractive? I mean the marriage vows presume that we will be tempted -but not act on it. So what’s the point in getting married and entering into a so called committed relationship if you continue to get aroused and fantasise about being with others ? Surely the whole point is for the security of having a loving commited parter who only desires you. Otherwise it’s just a partnership of convenience where you can look but not touch. In my opinion that’s just a farse of a relationship! If that person is not fulfilling you completely then is really any point in being with them? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinydance Posted September 4 Share Posted September 4 4 hours ago, Cariadmawr said: I think everyone notices and acknowledges when someone is attractive but that’s where it ends. There’s should be no further thoughts of that person if you are in a committed relationship. Those are my boundaries in a marriage. I appreciate that this may not be the same for other couples though. I believe that viewing porn and fantasising about sex with others is crossing that line. Well unfortunately most people can't control their thoughts. And most certainly you can't because you're not in their head. I don't know if I'm more like a guy or something because I'm female but I've always thought that finding people attractive is a normal thing. The way I see it is we meet all sorts of people all the time and many we're probably attracted to. But we make a conscious choice to commit to a partner and be with only them. So you’re choosing every day that you won't hit on other people, sleep with other people, etc. But as you're living your life, you are not a robot. If you see someone attractive it's not like you're dead inside and you won't notice. To me porn is just a fantasy. Like when women have crushes on a hot celebrity like Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, whoever. It's not like they're actually truly in love with Johnny Depp and don't even like their partner because of Johnny Depp. Same thing with porn. You look at the people if you're horny, then you just forget them. You don't know them and they're a nobody really. What I've been wondering is it really just me coz I see so many posts from women who are so upset about porn? They feel jealous and threatened by porn. Like it's really so threatening that it's just some random woman on a screen that they would never meet. I don't get it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted September 4 Share Posted September 4 1 hour ago, Cariadmawr said: So what’s the point in getting married and entering into a so called committed relationship if you continue to get aroused and fantasise about being with others ? Surely the whole point is for the security of having a loving commited parter who only desires you. Otherwise it’s just a partnership of convenience where you can look but not touch. In my opinion that’s just a farse of a relationship! If that person is not fulfilling you completely then is really any point in being with them? Each couples definition of what is and is not acceptable will vary. It is for them to decide, not for others to judge and interfere upon their relationship. Personally, I agree with you. If I am with one person, then why would I think about being with someone else? If this is the person I've pledged my heart and soul to, my life to, then that is enough for me. I've barely even found people externally attractive as it is. Should I be in a relationship, I will only have eyes for her. And while I won't fault her for noticing someone else, the love that I hope to have would be one where we are all we will ever need. As far as viewing porn without finding the women attractive, sure it is possible. There are all different types of porn and all different types of women in porn. It can be easy to find something where the woman doesn't match your particular taste. Then you can focus on the position, plot, theme, etc. Most porn is rather predictable and routine, so you don't really have to pay attention and it can be background as you fade into whatever scenario you play in your head. And the actors and actresses can easily become interchangable. You could probably find 50 girls who are blond with big, beautiful... blue eyes. The issue, as it always is with porn, is trust. He lied to you about using it. Now you worry he is lying about why he is using it. He broke your trust so you are having trouble believing him. Which is fair. The only way to resolve it is to do whatever you need to in order to rebuild that trust and come to a mutual understanding and agreement about this topic. If you need to talk to a professional, do so. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted September 4 Share Posted September 4 4 hours ago, Cariadmawr said: So what’s the point in getting married and entering into a so called committed relationship if you continue to get aroused and fantasise about being with others ? The question is this: does your husband agree with this view on marriage and fantasizing? You should not take it is a given that this is how all married people think, including your husband. Did you just assume he did, or did you two actually talk about this when you got married? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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